Hell after NOA2

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

WOW, I'm so glad you found out ahead of time what his personality is really like. Stay strong, and find some true happiness for yourself.

[TeddyHoney 42]

Ramisgreat stay strong! Please don’t judge all American’s by the thoughtless actions and immaturity of the OP. Based on his own writings, and your bravery to confirm the suspicions of many members, he deserves all the diverse opinions he himself requested. I was unaware that a real man even expects a valentines present more or less persecute a women who loves him for not giving them one… and you even tried! It is generally the woman who is offended by not receiving recognition of the day. It is very fortunate you discovered the tip of a toppling iceberg, as it appears there are some deep-rooted issues beyond a man demanding a Valentines present. Hopefully you can quickly move on, get this all behind you, and reestablish happiness.

You know I hadn't even thought about this ever until I just read this post of yours. Even reading the OP and all the comments I still didn't even think about it. But I was married 13 years and it never even occured to me to expect anything from my wife on Valentine's Day. Now that I think about it, I always thought of it as a day where guys give girls stuff. I always got my wife stuff. I think there were times that she may have cooked something on that day that she knew I really liked (she's native Filipina so that would have been some Filipino dish I liked). But as far as I remember, a "Happy Valentine's Day honey" in the morning before I went to work if it were a work day was all I needed anyway. The rest was me giving her stuff - flowers, candy and probably dinner. I never minded doing that in fact I liked doing it and just ignored the fact that it was really forced on us, I mean we don;t need a "day" to remind us to express our love and appreciation. But I didn;t mind. I really never expected my wife to get me anything - Christmas, Birthday, etc. She didn;t work for the first 6 years of our marriage cuz she was new to the country first and then we had kids, so how could I expect these things from her? I didn't. But I did give her money regularly and many times she did get me things (wich would have been a real sacrifice on her part) and after she started working I always got Christmas and birthday gifts but never Valentine's stuff and I never expected it.

Even now with my fiancee I know she's strapped for money and all and I expect nothing from her except the usual mutual respect. But not material things like cards, etc. She does give them and i truly love and appreciate them from her. But if ever I didn;t get a card pr e-mail for some hallmark holiday, she would never have to explain that to me.

Thanks for making me think about that because I swear I never had before. I think someone else mentioned that we here in the U.S most of us men anyway, we do the giving for Valintine's Day and the ladies do the expecting. That's the way I've always known it and never even considered it any other way.

And I may as well add with respect to the OP, there are ALWAYS '3' sides to every story. Yours, the other person's and the absolute truth about the matter. Based on what is here, I think OP is a very bad example of an American man and feeds into the stereo-type that all us American men seek foreign wives cuz they're submissive and we want to make slaves out of them and treat them anyway we want. So that ticks me off. The young lady is better off with out him. I'm guessing both are very young - VERY YOUNG!!! I think untimately its good this relationship is not going any further cuz if OP really behaved that way about such insignificant matters compared to what awaits him in marriage - then it was headed for disaster anyway cuz he appearently couldn't handle it. Heck, far more mature couples have difficulty with married life because marriage is difficult - well worth the work and effort - but its no play thing! I'm not a perfect man by any stretch and made plenty of mistakes in my first and only marriage and hopefully I have learned from them. I've learned a lot about me in that process. I know I can get tired and frustrated and snap at people and usually at those closest to me - but I know that and keep watch for it. Doesn;t mean I don;t still do it just because I know about it, but it does mean that I can recognize the symptons of it coming on and I can do something about it - and it if happens anyway I can be quick to apologize and make a better effort the next time. I know now that it is probably something I will work on the rest of my life and never get perfect. But I'm gonna try! I first had to accept the fact that I was like this! Big step!

Hope both OP and the lady downshift some and get to know themselves and what they really want a lot more before trying this again.

[Christi85 86]

Hi I am his ex finacee. I am not going to write whether i'm right or wrong but yes i will just put down how behaved with me post NOA2.

The night we received the NOA2, we both were jumping and expressing our happiness, I went running to my parents to tell them 'we have done it at last.'They were happy too.

2nd day i was little upset for something that happened in my family and i was not being able to show how happy i am,but later i kept telling him 'i am happy but somehow its sad out here' I am leaving now,this feeling is making me sad but i am happy i will finally live with u. 3rd day,he called me from office and i spoke in normal tone,not happy not sad,i dont know what went wrong he screamed from the parking lot 'im tired of your ###### sadness,your ###### sadness' and also some slang he used on me in my mother tongue,this was my first shock.I don't know this man,never lived with him, so of course i kept telling him i am scared of u, he said he is sorry, i said ill be really scared if u scream like this when we fight in person (trust me it was not normal scream,he was at the top of his lung in a public place and over the phone with me, and the reason being I AM NOT SHOWING HIM EXCITEMENT) well, i was happy but tensed for 'n' number of reason which the petitioners here won't understand much but the beneficiaries who r leaving for good might.He told me if he ever gets angry and wants to shout in person he would leave the house and go out.I mean its not too normal for Indians here.

Later we made up and again he started with same topic i am not showing him excitement, i felt getting mentally tortured when he was doing this, i was going to office, he knew it i am going to office and i am howling requesting him to hang up,but he won't his only statement was 'don't go to office, its not a good day for u to go to office',he doesn't need to show me concern after he had made me cry already,he need not do it at all.I might not have reacted how HE WANTED me to react,but he can't deny,everyday i told him i was happy that we got NOA2. I just couldn't explain it to him till end,when i asked my mom to tell him that i was happy.My mom made him understand that 'she is happy but may be she is little scared to leave for good now,she will be actually happy when she will meet u and start her life for good'. He then understood.We patched up.

Next after this we had several small fights,but the worst was the valentines day.

I DID SEND HIM GIFT BUT IT DID NOT GET DELIVERED,I KNEW HE WONT BELIEVE ME SO I GAVE HIM THE FLORIST PHONE NUMBER WHICH WAS A USA NUMBER,THEY CONFIRMED I DID SEND HIM THE GIFT BUT THEY WROTE THE ADDRESS WRONG. SO IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. (I HAVE STILL NOT GOT REFUND,WHICH I DON'T CARE ANYWAY, I DON'T CRY OVER MONEY). I CALLED THEM TO ASK WHY THEY DID NOT DELIVER, THEY APOLOGIZED BUT NEVER DELIVERED THE GIFT, I TOO SAD FOR THAT,I TOLD MY EX I AM SO SORRY AND I AM REALLY SAD IT WAS NOT DELIVERED.HE WAS OK THAT DAY, NEXT MORNING I WAS SLEEPING HE WOKE ME UP WITH A VERY RUDE VOICE,HE TOLD ME I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM THIS TIME AS HE DID SEND ME GIFTS AND I TRIED BUT FAILED.HE THREATENED ME IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING FOR HIM HIS IS GOING TO HOLD THIS VISA PROCESS, I WAS LIKE 'WHAT ARE U SAYING? THIS MIGHT BREAK OUR RELATION??' HE TOLD ME 'YEA I KNOW,GO TELL YOUR DAD YOU ARE NOT COMING TO USA AS YOUR FIANCEE IS HOLDING THE PROCESS'. I WAS SHOCKED,I ASKED 'WHAT U WANT ME TO DO'? HE SAID GO TO THE INTERNET AND DO SOMETHING.SO I WENT TO THE INTERNET AND SEND HIM E-CARD AND EMAIL AND SEND HIM SOME PICS OF ME AND MY FAMILY.I DID NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.\

HE REPLIED IN HIS E-MAIL:

I don't know what you've done over the internet for me except for the e-card you sent. You would have sent pics of your bro's engagement anyway regardless of Valentine's Day. I don't know if you're counting that or not but I cannot count that as a Valentine's gift for me. So if you think you cannot do something to make up for it, this problem will remain unfixed and I cannot proceed further with our visa. And I really have heard a lot of apologies. All I want now is action. I cannot settle for nearly nothing again this year while I gave everything. That is not fair to me. I am deserving a Valentine's gift this year, and I cannot let this go by. So I hope you know what to do before the week is out.

I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MY LOVE I THINK.I DID WHAT I COULD.I MAY NOT BE THE RIGHT,BUT YES HE DESERVES A GIRL WHO CAN LIVE UP TO HIS EXPECTATIONS.HE KNOWS HOW MUCH I HAVE PRAYED FOR US.AND NOW I FEEL I HAD BEEN A FOOL.I DON'T EXPECT HIS PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND ME AND NOT CALL ME 'HEARTLESS AND CRUEL' BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER.

I DON'T WANT THIS THREAD TO CONTINUE,I DON'T KNOW WHY STARTED THIS THREAD,MAY BE TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD,BUT IF THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY.ITS FINE. I KNOW WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE AFTER ALL THIS.

Girl, count your lucky stars!!! That's all I can say!! You don't want to be married to this guy, seriously!!

So you DID send him an e-card after the flowers did not get delivered and it still wasn't good enough for him!!

And he kept threatening to call off your visa because he didn't get a Valentine's gift which wasn't even your fault!!

I've been reading this thread with my husband and we're both speechless. It's one of those stories that you couldn't have made up even if you tried.

Consider yourself lucky you didn't leave your life behind to go to the other part of the world and get into a marriage with this guy.

Sorry OP, I'm trying really hard not to be offensive but you sure aren't making it easy for us

[Darnell 8,478]

Ram[] - I think he was asking for naked photos via email.

Why else to complain about what you sent? 'Special Valentine's Gift', indeed !

Seriously - you are better off without him.

I think this not even proper Bollywood Story, but I'm ready for some dancing !

[Romancita 3]

Mr. Florida, where are you? The suspense is killing us!

[A and T 82]

It sounds like you doing everything you can to be there for her, and her disrespecting you., I say if she doesn't want to grow up and be with you, then let her stay. I am positive lots of other women in the world that would be happy to have a man that cared so much .

[turboman 0]

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant and have raging hormones or what but you seem to be a jerk to me. You tell her you want to hold off on the visa cause she didn't say Happy Valentines day to you. She sent you a gift it was the florist fault you did not receive it. To me that's a threat, telling her you do as I want or else I will hold this visa over your head. That is probably how her parent's see it also, the threats are already starting in their eyes and like any parent they want to protect their daughter.

Then you find out she is in the hospital, and you question her father how can some little argument do that to her, but then you end up in the hospital over all this and get mad at her cause she is not jumping at your side calling none stop etc. Seems to me you are just as immature as she is.

Moving and leaving everything you know and love is not easy for anyone, no matter the age. Some ppl do have very close family and family is a big part of their lives, some ppl can not handle it other's manage to make it through but it is not done over night.

Again this is how I see it from your post.

I somehow I agree with you except the "u re a jerk" thingy..lol... but all d same... u shdnt ahve aborted d visa process...cox it z much more like a threat to her... and for her to unfriend u on fb... den I kinda see it as a more serious stuff dt needs both parents involved..if she still loves u though... and if not... den i guess... u gotta save ur interview, medicals, police report money.. and notify USCIS of ur decision... however, lemme make it clear dt..whateva decision u ll make in d visa process will always be remembered by both ur ex and USCIS...

Good luck...

[Yagisama 93]

Wow, I had imagined something along those lines, but nowhere as bad as it turned out to be. "this problem will remain unfixed and I cannot proceed further with our visa" I mean really? Sister, you really dodged a bullet there!!!

This sort of thing is why there is a part of me that thinks that the 5+ month wait is a necessary evil. By its very nature a K1 visa is something that can be easily rushed into and at times both sides don't get a chance to get to know each other in the conventional way. Going through this process is taxing but it allows both individuals to get to know each other much better. I wouldn't be surprised if USCIS had come to the conclusion that a longer wait increases the likelihood of successful and long lasting relationships.

One thing I don't understand is how the parents are so involved. I know different cultures and all that, but the original poster had his parents calling and then accusing her parents of going back on their word. As if they signed her away and God was their witness and how dare they go back on the agreement!! Anyhow, that's all water under the bridge now. The Valentine's thing turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

[Moomin 292]

It's comforting to me there's a place like visa journey to see, read and share ups and downs and it's easier said than done to advice anybody when it comes to the emotional part of a relationship that we all try our best to invest everything into. It's even harder to read between the lines when all you get is a picture on skype, some strokes on a keyboard and messenger shortcuts for heart-smileys - or should I say it's hard to accept when it's the closeness, support and intimacy of being in the same room for good that matters the most. But sometimes the bumpy visa road leads to a meltdown when making it harder than what it already is. Writer's block, hitting the wall etc. and sometimes you don't realize you're contributing to a downfall.

It's more complex than just add one word of advice here since there isn't a "luuv for dummies" book (I could use one from time to time) and since it's not about forms to fill out the correct way. Just remember to use your experiences to your benefit and that these posts can be eye openers to something you might have overlooked when being in the situation.

Anyways, this is my 2nd post in this thread already. I wish you luck. Both of you.

[Lisamarie 79]

Thanks, I love it too!

Yoo..

i like your Quote .. "Happiness is being Married to a Moroccoan"... pretty cool

[amykathleen2005 441]

It sounds like you doing everything you can to be there for her, and her disrespecting you., I say if she doesn't want to grow up and be with you, then let her stay. I am positive lots of other women in the world that would be happy to have a man that cared so much .

Ha! Does doing everything for her always include having a hissyfit over a non-issue? It sounds like the OP is the one who needs to grow up not his fiance. Hearing this story I doubt any woman on this thread would want to be with this man.

[Mariye & Ky 172]

It sounds like you doing everything you can to be there for her, and her disrespecting you., I say if she doesn't want to grow up and be with you, then let her stay. I am positive lots of other women in the world that would be happy to have a man that cared so much .

You are kidding me right? You tell me how this girl disrespected him (the OP). Why? Because she sent him a Valentine's and it didn't get there because of a clerical error by the Florist? So this gives him the RIGHT TO BERATE her and THREATEN HER by using the means of stopping the VISA and their MARRIAGE? He blames her for her emotional distress, and yet he has himself a little tissy fit, get his panties in a wad and ends up in a hospital himself. And then again, proceeds to BLAME HER [ for his emotional outrage that put him there in the first place] . He gets angry for her not contacting him when he knew damn well she, nor her parents didn't want anything further to do with him! If she were my daughter, I'd not want her to marry a controlling, ego filled, tyrant either! What he did appears abusive and she is all too smart for not being with him. Further, SHE HAD NOTHING TO LOSE BY REMAINING WITH HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS, HER WORK AND HER HOME. He has everything to lose when he loses heart because he's become full of himself and thinks of none other! He certainly didn't think about her when he screamed at her on the fone!

Who really got the shaft here? Not her... And good for her!!

RAMISGREAT: Remain Strong Girl! You're quite brave for posting your response on this thread and it was needed as you are NOT the picture he paints of you. You're the one that deserves the Valentine Flowers.... (F) (F) (F) (F)

[Kathryn41 3,205]

There are indeed two sides to every story and now we have heard from both parties involved, I think it is time to close this thread to further discussion, as requested by the second party involved. The OP has indeed received his answer about what went wrong and I hope that he can learn from his mistakes. Ramisgreat, thank you for having the courage to present the other side of this story. Under the fuller circumstances presented, I concur with those who said you made the right decision. Good luck to you both.