Hell after NOA2

[Nero 17]

It sounds like emotions were really high for both you and your fiance. If I were you, I would take a step back and look at the situation now that you've had a chance to cool off. Perhaps you can be a little more objective. It's hard when you're in the heat of high emotions, however, now that you've had some time to cool off and calm down (and she has too) maybe you can have a calm discussion about it. I think that if you look back on it you can see where there are instances where she was out of line, but there were also instances where you were out of line. Maybe you should have been a little more understanding about Valentine's day. Maybe she should shouldn't have just cut you off without a word. Etc. This is what happens in life and in relationships. We're all human. God made us imperfect, but He also made us to learn from our mistakes. My suggestion would be to take a moment to try to put yourself in her shoes. Think of how she may have felt. Perhaps she was nervous when the NOA2 came through (after all marriage is a big step....especially a marriage that will take her away from her parents who she is obviously very close to), and then when you said "let's hold off on the visa" what started as an uneasy nervousness ballooned into a nervous meltdown (similar to what you experienced shortly after). After all, perhaps she was picturing herself living with you in a new country, married, far from the family she is close to, and then you decide "never mind" and threaten to send her back to India. That would take an argument that was already sad (because it's never nice to fight with your beloved), and turn it into something scary. After all if she feels you will easily divorce her that must be VERY scary, especially for a girl who would then be deported. Also, imagine her sadness and frustration, she TRIED to send you a gift, and even though it was no fault of her own, her gift didn't go through, and then you, the man who loves her, not only doesn't understand and appreciate the effort, you become angry at her. Perhaps this was all very scary and sad for her, and that's what lead to her nervous meltdown. You, upon your break up with her, must have gone through a very similar range of sadness, anger, fear etc. Perhaps, if the two of you are able to have nice adult conversation about it, then you can help her understand how YOU felt, and she can help you understand how she felt, and the two of you could actually develop a STRONGER bond from this.

There is the chance, however, that she's just not ready. She may just not be ready for a relationship this serious. She may not be ready to leave her parents. This is a possibility. If this is what happens then you have two options. 1) Stick with her, let your relationship grow, and wait for her to be ready. 2) Decide it's best to move on, and know what to look out for and avoid in choosing a new partner, and also realize what things you can do to make a relationship strong. It takes two people putting in equal effort to have a good solid relationship, and even then it's not always easy and it's certainly almost never perfect. When we make mistakes, and treated wrong, as much as it sucks, sometimes can be learning experiences that make the next relationship stronger.

Take Care, and Good Luck. It seems like this may be a case where two people with good hearts let emotions get high and it lead to alot of hurt. I hope you can both heal.

[B_J 2,752]

I felt as though I've been doing everything for her constantly over several months, including visiting her and her family in India and her visa, and in return I do not get a single actual gesture of love from her. I've heard her tell me she loves me too many times. But on this Valentine's Day, I was really expecting something from her. It did not have to be complicated. Something simple like an email or a Valentine's Day card would have sufficed. I know she was making the true sacrifice of moving to me, but does that mean she never has the need to show her love for me ever through all these holidays like Valentine's Day and my birthday because she will one day make the true sacrifice?

I just wanted to comment on this part. Love is not a competition. You shouldn't be pointing out what you've done and what she hasn't done. You even say it yourself that, in the end, she's going to make the true sacrifice . So, why make it a competition?

And, as a guy, I really don't expect anything on Valentine's Day. I just want her to be happy with what I give for her.

[BHK_Ren 11]

I agree completely with those who say you are out of order. As the USC, you should know this is a free country, not to mention being the 21st century. She owes you nothing; least of all for "all" the money you spent on her visa. WTH! If you loved her, you would have been equally willing to give up your life in the US and move to India, right?

Honestly, I'm glad she was able to see your true colors and break free of a chauvanist before she put on mehendi and a wedding necklace, to say nothing of moving halfway around the world to a place where she would have been completely cut off from her support network of family and friends. You have a lot to learn about women, mate, starting with respect. A fiancee is your future wife and is deserving of your respect, esteem, and love. Yet, you throw a hissy fit and accuse her of not loving you *enough* because a florist goofed and you didn't get a present on a commercial holiday. She is the one who will give up everything to be with you; all you've shown a willingness to "sacrifice" is a few hundred dollars.

So, yes, you are out of line. I wish you much luck in your maturation process. Hopefully you will learn the right lessons from this experience - including how to respect the woman who will be your eventual partner in life.

[magdasal 19]

Uh...I think you hurt her very badly with the way you handled Valentines. It's not about you getting gifts...it's about her. Why did you even bring up the gift from her to you? And the first time you mentioned it, it was pretty clear that the topic of her giving you a gift was depressing her. But you persisted then to question why her gift did not arrive, when you already knew she had attempted to send one to you..the shop confirmed it.

I really think you blew it right there.

Long distance relationships require extra special care. I don't think you got that message until now.

[multi 5]

step back,you both did somthing wrong that leads your relationship into like this situation.

when you get upset about that valentine flowers never delivered to you and doesnt even greet you or even sending a card,then you saidd you will not continue the visa process,is killing her,and that really hurt her.how could you say it with just getting upset into that,you dont even ask her or talk to her what had happen,you might know,she wanted you to surprise,and she just wait till you get the delivery from florist.

but i just couldnt understand why she cut all the communication from you till facebook,i bet she really mad upset on you. IMO,you need to cool off,dont take pride will win over you,when things gets better try to call her again,or do email,untill you would know what really the reason why shes acting like that,and be ready wi yourself about her explanation. anyway evrything happen for a reason. you have to be prepared whatever happen,yes it hurt,evrybody in a relationship experience with this kind of hurted. but if your ex will tell you that she didnt care for you,then open your eyes,its hard to move on,but you can get over in time.. when the time come that you and her will be ok,then take this situation as a lesson for both of you.

[TBoneTX 43,004]

This process can chew you up alive. I remember 3 days after my hubby and I were approved at the NVC we were both talking to divorce attorneys.. oversomething so rediculous I cant even remember exactly what it was. After a few days of not talking, I picked up the phone and apologized for turning a mountain into a mole hill and we started talking again.

Perhaps some cool down time, and perhaps an apology for threatening the visa (my hubby NEVER told me he would hold off on the visa, no matter HOW bad things got). I would also apologise for the Valetines pettiness. She sent you something, the florist is the one you should be mad at, not your fiance.

If you are very serious about this, I would book a plane ticket and go and save this. If you are ready to move on, contact NVC and stop the petition.

I agree with this post most of all, especially the last line. Something similar happened in my own relationship due to distance & remoteness and the pressures thereof. I beat tail down to Ecuador as a top priority (sparing no expense to do so) and was able to salvage things.

A more general comment: Valentine's Day is indeed a commercial holiday. There is (or should be) no emotion inherently attached to it. It's the same with New Year's Eve (otherwise known as Amateur Night). The only occasions that need to be remembered are birthdays & anniversaries -- those that are personal to you rather than contrived occasions that are thrust upon you by an impersonal, commercial world-at-large.

Edited to add: The fact that you each ended up in the hospital due to emotional distress suggests to me that this relationship is very important to each/both of you.

Let us know how you plan to proceed, si man?

Edited February 26, 2011 by TBoneTX

[Nero 17]

I did think of one other thing. Do they celebrate Valentine's day in India the same as we do in the US? If not maybe it didn't occur to her the "importance" of the day, especially if she was good about saying "I love you" any other time. Someone once told me "when you love someone, every day is a holiday". I was apart from my fiance on valentine's day too. She didn't buy me anything, but I wasn't so worried about it. I'm just really happy to have someone so amazing in my life. If you weren't able to see anything but "anger" or "bitterness" or "offense" when you're engaged to be married (no matter who or what is to blame) it's not a good sign. Again, good luck. Everything is a learning experience.

[Richie Rich 70]

Mr Florida --Just be strong .Everything happens for the best . Just be thankful if happened now than later . Just go sufing or chill on the beach in Florida . I hope all works out for you in future .

[multi 5]

I just wanted to comment on this part. Love is not a competition. You shouldn't be pointing out what you've done and what she hasn't done. You even say it yourself that, in the end, she's going to make the true sacrifice . So, why make it a competition?

And, as a guy, I really don't expect anything on Valentine's Day. I just want her to be happy with what I give for her.

i will count myself as one of those ladies who got upset on valentines day because of not getting any surprise from our loveones which we expected they would do,i am just upset but i dont fight,and i still talk to him as nothings happen.then later after couple days i got a flower delivery which is really surprising me.

those happening has open a lot on my mind and how he loved me somuch as I did.

after i got the flowers on my hand,i realize its not that important to receive flowers on valentines i know how great to receive something like this from our loveones,specially that they are making an effort to send it to other side of the country,but what really matter is the love and care.those gifts were nothing,compare to the love and care they can give us in evry minute till whole life.

Mr florida should not react a lot about not getting anything on valentines and saying he will took off the visa for her,its really hurt to hear that,infact he knows that his woman did a delivery but the florist got wrong with the info. guess it has the reason why this happen. hope evrthing will be ok and we will be hearing Mr florida about what happen.

[Moomin 292]

Don't get me wrong, I really feel for you; it must've taken its toll on both of you. But you're never going to work out any problems when you're using each others weakness as a way to triumph in a discussion. It's not about that. Fact of the matter is you used this process against her. No matter the argument, that surely is a way to make her doubt or question her role in your relationship. Not just now but the future as well.

[Lisamarie 79]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you and sorry that the stress of it caused you to spend time in the hospital, but honestly I also can't believe you would say you want to hold off on the visa over a Valentine's Day gift, or card, or email.........Especially since she sent something, and even if she didn't. I'm just not grasping that one. Maybe that made her take a step back and do some thinking about the relationship, with family and friends helping her along in her thinking.

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant and have raging hormones or what but you seem to be a jerk to me. You tell her you want to hold off on the visa cause she didn't say Happy Valentines day to you. She sent you a gift it was the florist fault you did not receive it. To me that's a threat, telling her you do as I want or else I will hold this visa over your head. That is probably how her parent's see it also, the threats are already starting in their eyes and like any parent they want to protect their daughter.

Then you find out she is in the hospital, and you question her father how can some little argument do that to her, but then you end up in the hospital over all this and get mad at her cause she is not jumping at your side calling none stop etc. Seems to me you are just as immature as she is.

Moving and leaving everything you know and love is not easy for anyone, no matter the age. Some ppl do have very close family and family is a big part of their lives, some ppl can not handle it other's manage to make it through but it is not done over night.

Again this is how I see it from your post.

[Lisamarie 79]

Ontarkie, I wasn't trying to reply to your comment, sorry......

I'm very sorry this is happening to you and sorry that the stress of it caused you to spend time in the hospital, but honestly I also can't believe you would say you want to hold off on the visa over a Valentine's Day gift, or card, or email.........Especially since she sent something, and even if she didn't. I'm just not grasping that one. Maybe that made her take a step back and do some thinking about the relationship, with family and friends helping her along in her thinking.

[alibekah 4]

i will count myself as one of those ladies who got upset on valentines day because of not getting any surprise from our loveones which we expected they would do,i am just upset but i dont fight,and i still talk to him as nothings happen.then later after couple days i got a flower delivery which is really surprising me.

those happening has open a lot on my mind and how he loved me somuch as I did.

after i got the flowers on my hand,i realize its not that important to receive flowers on valentines i know how great to receive something like this from our loveones,specially that they are making an effort to send it to other side of the country,but what really matter is the love and care.those gifts were nothing,compare to the love and care they can give us in evry minute till whole life.

Mr florida should not react a lot about not getting anything on valentines and saying he will took off the visa for her,its really hurt to hear that,infact he knows that his woman did a delivery but the florist got wrong with the info. guess it has the reason why this happen. hope evrthing will be ok and we will be hearing Mr florida about what happen.

I agree the most with this poster. OP! Fellow Floridian! My dear, my man is from Iran. Do you have ANY idea how LONG it takes to send things there and it may NEVER arrive!!! His birthday present last year NEVER made it to him. And I spent months getting it. I was in tears on the phone because I did not want him to think I never sent him anything. I even sent him a copy of the customs form. He was sad, yes, but never blamed me for it because what could we do?? There is no guarantee that anything can arrive without it opened and/or destroyed. We learned that we could not blame each other for it.

Valentine's Day is truly most important in America. A relative who lives in Switzerland, tells me that its not a big deal there either. You cannot blame her for not taking it as serious as you. That's not fair.

We have fights, duh. We get anxious and over think things and guess who freaked out and had seconds thoughts after the NOA2...me! But i remembered why I love him. You live worlds apart, seeing each other as much as possible which means long distance traveling, jet lag galore and pissy attitudes from exhaustion. All of that feeds into the anxiety. We made a deal to talk out our fears. We have to, its the only way we get through anything.

You know what gift means the most to me? Seeing the sparkle and the smile in his green eyes when he looks at me. It makes all this s**t and petty drama meaningless. There is love in those eyes and I realize that he is sacrificing everything to come here to be with me when our economy is #######! That, my friend, means more than the flowers, the jewelry, the books...wait i love the books a lot too!!

Hang in there and lay on the beach a while, the weather is great now. Think. There was another poster that said that if you want her back, its going to have to be through the family. I have a couple of Indian friends and family is like concrete.

Find peace. Follow your heart.

[BHK_Ren 11]

Ugh. This whole original post still just bothers me on so many levels - as a woman, as a US citizen, as someone who went through this whole insane process. Granted, we've probably all said things in the heat of a moment that we wish we could take back. That said, I have a feeling no one here would stoop so low as to try and threaten our significant other with ending the visa process, no matter how heated the argument. The only smidgen of respect I have for the OP is in publicly admitting his terrible behaviour in such detail - knowingly exposing yourself to criticism for extreme stupidity takes some spine. On the other hand, Mr. Florida seems to have made his disturbing post more for the sake of soliciting sympathy for poor, pitiful him - the same guy whose first resort is to threaten to rescind the whole visa/immigration process just because his fiancee's Valentine's Day gift to him was not delivered on time and she didn't think to send him a separate card.

It's all wrong in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. I still think the ex-fiancee is the lucky one here, for getting to see how much (or, I should say, how little) Mr. Florida really regards her and their relationship *before* she has to convince a U.S. visa officer that she intends to marry this guy because she loves him and he loves her. Sad, that someone would take this process that has been so heartrending for so many here in this forum and elsewhere and use it as a threat in response to something so petty. It's beyond childish and ventures into the abusive, really, for anyone to say "because you did/did not do X, Y, or Z for me, I'm just going to stop the whole visa process, so there!" and that is partly why I find the whole situation so appalling. I cannot find it in me to blame this ex-fiancee for any part of her behavior; I admire her for doing her best to adapt to a volatile environment and then finding the courage to end her relationship with a highly manipulative person.

[RICARDO4EVA2 194]

I emailed her back saying I was really expecting something for this year's Valentine's Day. I told her I am really upset about this situation and I would like to hold off on the visa. I've heard her tell me she loves me too many times. But on this Valentine's Day, I was really expecting something from her.

sorry to hear this. Valentines day is marketed.... not much meaning. You mentioned she express the gesture too many times.."she love you" so why dwell on one day that is marketed to build the economy..? SMH Hope you'll soon over come this concern that has cased you to worry.