Making friends

[futurecoloradogrl 82]

Hi all! I've been living in the US since late 2019 and feel like I haven't got to do much 'living' due to arriving right before the pandemic hit. I was in Colorado after moving here, then we moved to Florida to be close to my husband's friends and some of my extended family, which was really exciting. However, unrelated family drama (nothing to do with me directly; yet sadly nothing I could have done to avoid their hard feelings) means my extended family haven't wanted to see or speak to me, which is a real shame since they're all immigrants too and it would have been wonderful to have had their support during this time. My husband has a lot of friends who we both spend time with, but it's frustrating not being able to shake the knowledge that they're only interested in seeing him and wouldn't choose to spend time with me if he wasn't around. I would LOVE to have friends of my own like I do back home - my few close friends I've known for 10+ years and are finding it so much harder than expected being so far away from them. I know it's unreasonable to expect to have already made lifelong friends, but at this point I was hoping to feel happy and settled, and just feel horribly lonely, sad and anxious most of the time, just filling it with solo hobbies and exercise. Surely this isn't typical?

 

Pandemic life has made meeting people next to impossible - I tried out Bumble BFF but found I didn't have much in common with most of the folks on there, and even when I did get invited to a get-together it wasn't possible for me to attend since it was far away and I still don't have my US driver's licence (again, process really slowed down due to covid). My husband has a series of essential surgeries scheduled over the next few months and cannot afford to test positive for covid and miss them, so unfortunately social activities are out of the question for a while longer. 

 

Anyone else in a similar position? I felt like right after moving here things were going really well - found a new workout studio I really liked and was getting in a good routine, parents were planning to visit in Spring 2020, lots of travel plans, etc and then our lives got turned upside-down. And after reading other similar posts on here I feel silly complaining - he has a good job, we live within walking distance of downtown, I'm from the UK so we're even planning on visiting soon since we'd no longer have to quarantine upon arrival. I can't imagine how awful it would be dealing with racism, living with nasty in-laws, living in an aggressively red area, etc that other new immigrants are having to deal with! 

[Redro 4,570]

1 hour ago, futurecoloradogrl said:

Hi all! I've been living in the US since late 2019 and feel like I haven't got to do much 'living' due to arriving right before the pandemic hit. I was in Colorado after moving here, then we moved to Florida to be close to my husband's friends and some of my extended family, which was really exciting. However, unrelated family drama (nothing to do with me directly; yet sadly nothing I could have done to avoid their hard feelings) means my extended family haven't wanted to see or speak to me, which is a real shame since they're all immigrants too and it would have been wonderful to have had their support during this time. My husband has a lot of friends who we both spend time with, but it's frustrating not being able to shake the knowledge that they're only interested in seeing him and wouldn't choose to spend time with me if he wasn't around. I would LOVE to have friends of my own like I do back home - my few close friends I've known for 10+ years and are finding it so much harder than expected being so far away from them. I know it's unreasonable to expect to have already made lifelong friends, but at this point I was hoping to feel happy and settled, and just feel horribly lonely, sad and anxious most of the time, just filling it with solo hobbies and exercise. Surely this isn't typical?

 

Pandemic life has made meeting people next to impossible - I tried out Bumble BFF but found I didn't have much in common with most of the folks on there, and even when I did get invited to a get-together it wasn't possible for me to attend since it was far away and I still don't have my US driver's licence (again, process really slowed down due to covid). My husband has a series of essential surgeries scheduled over the next few months and cannot afford to test positive for covid and miss them, so unfortunately social activities are out of the question for a while longer. 

 

Anyone else in a similar position? I felt like right after moving here things were going really well - found a new workout studio I really liked and was getting in a good routine, parents were planning to visit in Spring 2020, lots of travel plans, etc and then our lives got turned upside-down. And after reading other similar posts on here I feel silly complaining - he has a good job, we live within walking distance of downtown, I'm from the UK so we're even planning on visiting soon since we'd no longer have to quarantine upon arrival. I can't imagine how awful it would be dealing with racism, living with nasty in-laws, living in an aggressively red area, etc that other new immigrants are having to deal with! 

If you like reading? Have you considered looking for an online bookclub in the area? 

As you are from the UK you can also look to see if there are any "Brits in Florida" groups and start connecting with people from your home country online. 

I would also look at connecting with your friends back home. I am in several whatsapp groups with close friends and family and we try to schedule group calls every other week or so... 

 

You should also try re-think your negative mindset. You do not know if your husband's friends have no interest in you as a person/friend. 

Perhaps try to develop closer relationships with the individuals you like. 

Invite them out for coffee, drinks or dinner when you can socialize again. Or start chatting to them online about common interests. Slowly build up friendships that are more personal and not just based around your husband's decision on when to spend time with them. 

 

The pandemic has really thrown socializing for a loop though so I don't think your feelings are unusual. 

[Allaboutwaiting 2,480]

Try meetup.com. Search for groups in your area. There are so many with varied interests; I bet more than one will appeal to you. 

Some groups that don't meet in person currently, do so online.

 

Something else you can do is organizing a virtual reunion with your whole class from university or high school. It's so fun catching up online with everyone talking at once.  You might reconnect with someone and become virtual bff's!

 

And if you're into working out, there must be groups near you that gather outdoors to exercise together. If there's none, you can organize yours -there's an app called Nextdoor where you can talk to people from your neighborhood-.

[Timona 3,926]

My NextDoor turns political in most posts. Most blame mayor for everything, just because the mayor isn't from their party. I once got tired and asked the chief complainant to run so that we gladly elect her. Her main task will be to successfully do what she complains about...I will be honest, most who complain are stay at home old ladies.. @Allaboutwaiting

[Mike E 11,722]

IME friendships develop from shared interests: work, school, church, hobbies, kids’ school, kids’ hobbies, etc.

 

So for example,  as you are at the I-751  phase of your immigration journey you have I-9 documents that let you work. If the job you have doesn’t have people  you want to be friends with or people who don’t want to be friends with you, consider finding  a new job.  If  you don’t have a job, consider getting one.  
 

“Pandemic life has made meeting people next to impossible “

 

I’ve been to Florida a couple times since July 2021. It does not appear to me Florida is participating  in the pandemic. 

[millefleur 5,034]

11 hours ago, futurecoloradogrl said:

My husband has a series of essential surgeries scheduled over the next few months and cannot afford to test positive for covid and miss them, so unfortunately social activities are out of the question for a while longer. 

That's a tough situation. I see that you are in Orlando, that's a fairly transient place with a lot of tourists/visitors, it doesn't have the welcoming vibe other cities have. Even though FL has not been as affected by the pandemic as other places, I'd imagine a place that is so based around tourism has been affected. Maybe if you can connect with other expats in the area, that might be good as they could be feeling similar to how you feel now. The plus side about Orlando is that it is large enough that there is an international community there.

 

Also, not having the ability to drive in FL is basically a prison sentence. You will need to get a DL and be able to drive to meet people and go to places. Maybe there are other DMV's in your area that will have shorter wait times to get a DL? Are you waiting on the actual driver's test still or do you just need to walk in, do the knowledge test and that's all?

[Allaboutwaiting 2,480]

7 hours ago, Timona said:

My NextDoor turns political in most posts. Most blame mayor for everything, just because the mayor isn't from their party. I once got tired and asked the chief complainant to run so that we gladly elect her. Her main task will be to successfully do what she complains about...I will be honest, most who complain are stay at home old ladies.. @Allaboutwaiting

Ours is completely different. It is mostly about pets and coyote sightings with some Karen-like complaints here and there and of course, a few political responses unrelated to the actual subject. 

[Ontarkie 13,898]

My experience is that friendship here seems to be different then back home. I have a few friends and one closer friend but not like back home. I did find our local library has activities and stuff you can sign up for. I found making friends there even if just while at the activities seem more real. I don't know it's just different. 

[mam521 1,688]

If you're a Facebook user, try searching for Brits in the US and Brits in FL.  I've joined a couple of Canadian pages and it's nice to relate to the things we miss, the things we still don't quite grasp so find entertaining and where to get the "goods" when we need comforts from back home.  Today's discussion was whether Canadians actually say "aboot", which we don't.

 

My husband is British so the search has been to find "proper sausage" to make sausage rolls.  Admittedly, most of the sausage around here is dreadful.  He liked the availablity of appropriate quality sausage in Canada and has found a place I believe called Jolly Posh that is legit and delivers to Texas, so guess what came for us...lol!

 

That said, there are probably a couple of your hubs friends that you are likely to find some common interest with.  I know...seems a bit lame to piggyback friends, but eh...if it works, it works!  

[Allaboutwaiting 2,480]

1 minute ago, mam521 said:

Today's discussion was whether Canadians actually say "aboot", which we don't.

Agreed. You actually say "aboout". 

[Sammy.NZ 45]

15 hours ago, futurecoloradogrl said:

Surely this isn't typical?

 

I actually think this is very typical - even more so now post covid but was also always the case. I've lived in my husbands home country for 5 years and still don't feel like I've made any close friends here. I think relocating and making friends as an adult is just a hard and slow process, even without all the covid dramas! I've talked to other friends who've moved away from home (but not to a new country) and they seem to have the same issues I have had... I think it just takes a loooooong time.

 

I left friends back home that I had known since grade school & friends I made in University (a very easy place to connect with others) && unfortunately being in a school type environment where it's easy to connect OR having 10+ years of life experience together develops a kind of closeness that just hasn't been very attainable for me here with my current job & lifestyle - I moved across the world to a city where my partner and I had no connections, worked in a small, male dominated office & outside of the gym and work I didn't know where to go to find others. 

 

I've tried an abundance of different methods to meet people & learned to adapt to having 'less friends'... I too tried Bumble BFF & did make a friend out of it but it took a lot of work TBH, I met up with tons of women that I didn't really connect with and when I found a friend I did like we had to really put in the work - it was like dating ahaha, we prioritized getting together once a week and slowly a friendship developed. I've connected with others in local 'expat' groups on FB. Over the years, I've made a few connections through work, gotten to know some of my husband's friends and their partners, and managed to make a couple friends through random encounters in every day life (hairdressers, bars, cafes, etc.) But overall, none of these new friendships have come anywhere close to my friends that I have in  my home country - which again, makes sense, I can't expect someone I've hung out with 5-10 times to be as comfortable and open with me as a friend of 10+ years.  I've learned to just take things as they come, try my best to put myself out there & to continue investing into my core friendships back home - despite the distance, many of my hometown friends and I are closer than ever and probably talk more frequently because I live so far. 

 

Anyway, I guess I don't have any real advice here... Just want you to know I believe this is a very normal experience when relocating anywhere new (especially a new country and especially post pandemic) and you're not alone! Like most good things in life, good friendships just take time. 

[Ontarkie 13,898]

38 minutes ago, Allaboutwaiting said:

Agreed. You actually say "aboout". 

It sure doesn't sound like we do but we do. I get caught every now and again. 

I swear my husband says boil not bowl  and that drives me nuts. 

[Sarah&Facundo 576]

My husband, the immigrant, struggles with this immensely. He has been in the US since 2018 and he does not have any friends. He has a few acquaintances at the gym and at his job, but he hasn't made any real solid friendships. Culturally, in my opinion, it is difficult to make friends here in the US, at least in the northeast where people are extremely busy and preoccupied with their own lives. Most of my friends are ones I've had since childhood, but even we barely see each other.

Meanwhile, when I go to my husband's country, I have a ton of friends I've made on my own and people are much warmer, inviting, and interested in relationships. Just my opinion, but please know you are definitely NOT alone. Moving and starting over again is really, really hard.

[Mike E 11,722]

7 minutes ago, Sarah&Facundo said:

 Culturally, in my opinion, it is difficult to make friends here in the US

Relative to most other countries I agree.  The suburban nature of most of the USA encourages privacy and encourages social walls.  It is typical to not know most neighbors in a 4 dwelling unit ratio in all 4-6 directions (6 it in multi story multi family dwelling like an apartment house).  Hence my earlier suggest to make friends through work, church, hobbies, etc.  

Edited February 22, 2022 by Mike E

[beloved_dingo 1,926]

One thing that has really helped my husband was joining a tennis club. If there is a hobby you enjoy, it could be helpful to meet people through that hobby because you at least already have one thing in common. It sounds like a lot of your struggle is related to COVID though, which is hard to work around if you aren't comfortable being social in-person and cannot drive. However, there is also a lot of value in online friendships so that is still a place to start, and I think following your hobbies is a good way to find like minded people, even online.