For those who closed the distance, what did you do to make your partner feel more at home?

[David & Diana R 1,005]

1 minute ago, Greenbaum said:

 

Guys. I am much further ahead then you are so maybe I can shed a little light on what CFO is all about.  First the Philippines is a High Human Trafficking country do mostly to the friendly culture.  Pinay's will talk to just about anyone. Think ahead as she is coming to a country that she knows nothing about. Second, their are people here in the States that will take advantage of a Pinay or for that matter anyone that is "gullible" enough to "follow".

 

CFO takes the time to outline the problems that they may encounter and what "authorities" are available to "rescue" them which they also include how to contact them. We, as Americans, are not prone to fall into these situations and of course we already know how to deal with them if we are faced with a "dangerous" situation.

 

So before you condemned something that your not a 100% sure of (I know that you are not totally versed in CFO because one is not allowed to sit in on the CFO meetings) investigate, research and talk with your Pinay about situations that she might encounter and how to seek help. This is not the 1950's where we left our house unlocked or our car doors unlocked. It's a different world out their so just keep that in mind as you begin your knew life together. I wish you and your Pinay much happiness.

 

I to am married to a Pinay and I am no expert in all things concerning a FIL-AM marriage.

Oh, but I  am also married to a Filipina.  And I know exactly what I am talking about.  I am 100% sure.  And I gotta tell you the time wasted on this CFO nonsense was just that...time wasted.  They warned of stuff that has not happened in the US for 50 or 60 years.  A huge money-maker for the Philippine government.  They could have accomplished much more by simply handing them a brochure.  It was a waste of time and money.  We have been married since September 2012 so I am very familiar with the Philippines and have never visited a country in my life that was more corrupt. (And I have visited 10 countries)  Don't get me wrong.  I love the Philippines and it's people but the government and anyone that has any power and control over anyone will use that power in excess.  Money can buy you ANYTHING in the Philippines.  So the USA is far safer than the Philippines. 

[janet3 1,170]

On 6/13/2017 at 5:31 PM, CaptNaimerica said:

I am thinking about how she has to leave her friends and family to come live with me, and since we're doing the K1 visa she won't be able to work for a while, so I want to prepare as much as possible to make her transition as easy as possible. 

 

What kind of things did you do to make the adjustment easier?

 

So far, I know I want to take her shopping so we can decorate the room to make it her own. She has a favorite set of sheets, so I want to get a similar one for our bed. But I need more ideas! 

I'm still in the early phase of the K1 visa...but, so far, I have cleaned out closet space  (and then refilled it....working on it again), I have gotten rid of a third of my stuff  (apparently I'm a hoarder), and taught my dogs to be polite when someone enters a room. I have a wall of travel photos I have taken over the years and have added some of his travel photos. I have also framed pictures of him and I and him with his family and placed them everywhere. He is learning to garden  (I have a garden) and he and I both love home improvement  (and I live in a hundred year old "work in progress" house). I have ordered some of his favorite movies. He is learning to cook and I am learning to cook Algerian food  (and I'm from the south). That is all that comes to mind right now.....

Please keep the suggestions coming....I'm taking notes.

Love the ideas so far!

[Scandi 3,976]

4 hours ago, Wuozopo said:

How about making sure she has pocket money without asking for it.  My wife would get money out of the cash machine and lay it out on the counter at home and say I got us some cash today. Then she would take half and push half toward me.  Or she would say "when you are out today, will you stop and get us some cash?" Or she might say, "I'm out of cash, do you have any left?" and take a twenty off me.  She kindly made it feel like her money was our money. It never felt like she was giving me an allowance. 

And when you're in the city, send her over to the hot dog cart to pay for the dogs with her pocket money, so it's not all one-sided. 

My husband (the USC) added me to his bank account and gave me a card to that account instead on his own accord, made me really feel like it was "us" and not just "you" and "me". Pocket money like what you described wouldn't have worked at all for me. That would've made me feel excluded and like "oh so I only get some pocket money and you don't trust me to share your account with me?". Glad we all think and feel differently. 

 

My hubby works from home and can choose when to work as he's his own boss, so there were many things we could do because of that. Some of the things he did for me (and still does):

 

-First off, he went to Sweden just to "pick me up and bring me home" once I was ready to move, I LOVED not having to travel alone that time. I could also fill his checkin bags with my stuff so it was perfect. ♡

-Many roadtrips so I got to see and got to know the area

-Went to museums

-Went to all kinds of restaurants so I could find my own personal favorites where he now takes me at least twice a month

-Bought me a huge TV (he never watches tv so he never had one before)

-Let me buy a whole bunch of things for the house to make me feel more at home

-Let me re-arrange furniture in the house the way I wanted them

-Took me to the Scandinavian shops in the area so I could get food and candy I was missing from home

-Went to baseball games (So much fun!)

-Sea World and the zoo of course (we were living in San Diego at the time so it was close by)

-Bought me all kinds of different brands of deodorant, schampoo, conditioner etc so I could try them and find my favorites, so cute!

-Helped me making phone calls when I didn't feel brave enough

-Drove me everywhere I wanted/needed to go

-Helped me find info about all kinds of things (how to get a SSN, state ID, new passport, and everything that comes along with this process)

-Took me to parks around SD and LA (I wasn't used to living in a big city, the parks and nature in general helped a lot)

-Took me to a dog rescue where we adopted the cutest dog together

-Helped me lose a sh*itload of weight, so grateful since I didn't have the discipline to do it on my own. ♡

-Got me little gifts he knew I missed from home (doing jigsaw puzzles for instance, major stress-reliever for me)

-Talked to my parents on Skype together with me at least once a week, he knows how important the relationship I have with my parents is and he wants to be part of that for my sake, he knows it makes me happy

-Just over-all support regarding everything really, it's so amazing to have someone who helps and backs you up no matter what. I never felt alone for a second despite missing my family back home.

 

There are just so many things, he has been amazing. It's not just a difficult transition for the foreigner but also for the USC sometimes, he has done really well and I'm very, very proud of him. Thanks to him I haven't regretted my decision to leave my home country and my family for one second.

 

 

[Dutchster 1,106]

Before I arrived, my husband made closet space for me which was very very sweet and made me feel so much more at-home already. He took about a week off after my arrival. The following day we went into town and he let me buy new decorations for our house/bedroom/bathroom. Before I was there he found out there is a World Market close to us that imports Dutch food, snacks and candy, he took me there later that week so I had some foods from home. Luckily, the US already felt like home for me the first time I visited so adjusting went really well. However, around December I felt more gloomy. I sat at home all day, he was at work for 10-14 hours a day and I couldn't even drive myself anywhere. The working part didn't hit me as hard as the fact I wasn't even allowed to drive. Imprisoned is how I felt eventually. Every single day I had to wait for him to come home, shower, eat and ask him to take me anywhere. And as much as he was willing to and loved to, for me I felt guilt every time. "What if he wants to lay down at night?" I couldn't even do groceries without him. He felt my mood changing and made sure I was settled to see a doctor if I wanted to and that did me so good that he was acknowledging the struggles and providing a listening ear and solutions/options. He got us a gym membership, too. Working out helped keeping me sane! And him genuinely listening to me, too. 

[Scandi 3,976]

3 minutes ago, Dutchster said:

Before I arrived, my husband made closet space for me which was very very sweet and made me feel so much more at-home already. He took about a week off after my arrival. The following day we went into town and he let me buy new decorations for our house/bedroom/bathroom. Before I was there he found out there is a World Market close to us that imports Dutch food, snacks and candy, he took me there later that week so I had some foods from home. Luckily, the US already felt like home for me the first time I visited so adjusting went really well. However, around December I felt more gloomy. I sat at home all day, he was at work for 10-14 hours a day and I couldn't even drive myself anywhere. The working part didn't hit me as hard as the fact I wasn't even allowed to drive. Imprisoned is how I felt eventually. Every single day I had to wait for him to come home, shower, eat and ask him to take me anywhere. And as much as he was willing to and loved to, for me I felt guilt every time. "What if he wants to lay down at night?" I couldn't even do groceries without him. He felt my mood changing and made sure I was settled to see a doctor if I wanted to and that did me so good that he was acknowledging the struggles and providing a listening ear and solutions/options. He got us a gym membership, too. Working out helped keeping me sane! And him genuinely listening to me, too. 

That's super cute, he seems to be a great guy. ♡ I think what you said about being gloomy is quite common when you get stuck at home and can't get anywhere, especially if you're used to get out and go places on your own, not having to depend on anyone. I'm very sure I would've felt the exact same way if it wasn't for my husband being able to be with me most hours of the day because of him being self-employed and working from home. I was very fortunate that we got to spend so much time together and that he had time to take me places during regular weekdays even, that helped not feeling stuck at home despite not being able to drive myself.

 

It feels so much better now that you can work and drive though, right? 

[Dutchster 1,106]

5 minutes ago, Scandi said:

That's super cute, he seems to be a great guy. ♡ I think what you said about being gloomy is quite common when you get stuck at home and can't get anywhere, especially if you're used to get out and go places on your own, not having to depend on anyone. I'm very sure I would've felt the exact same way if it wasn't for my husband being able to be with me most hours of the day because of him being self-employed and working from home. I was very fortunate that we got to spend so much time together and that he had time to take me places during regular weekdays even, that helped not feeling stuck at home despite not being able to drive myself.

 

It feels so much better now that you can work and drive though, right? 

Talking about your hubby tho!! ♡♡ Reading your story made me smile. He seems to be a great guy too! 

Exactly! Most of us, including I, were very independent before moving. That was such a struggle for me, being SO dependent. Eventually I found myself repeating every day. Waking up -> making breakfast -> go online/play games/watch tv -> make lunch -> go online again -> make dinner -> watch tv -> go to bed. We live VERY rural so I can't walk to a store or whatsoever. He'd take me out to Walmart just to walk around so I wouldn't become asocial and see people (or "stretching legs"). Having a normal, daily routine again feels sooooo good. Driving, going to work - finally being able to complain about certain workdays heh. Spending my own money on make up and clothes, shoes and bags. Lucky your hubby is working from home! Glad you haven't experience to feeling of feeling stuck or imprisoned. It stinks!

[KatieAndNaimah 108]

I, and I think Katie mostly, am very lucky to live in New York so we have a great public transportation and a lot of activities to get into. I am hoping that she can pace herself to exploring things, and leave some to explore together so that she isn't as bored. She also has plans to study a new profession so I think that can occupy her time. 

 

You guys have given a lot of good ideas of things I haven't thought of yet and i think that we can really get her settled in!

[Georgia16 2,858]

6 minutes ago, CaptNaimerica said:

I, and I think Katie mostly, am very lucky to live in New York so we have a great public transportation and a lot of activities to get into. I am hoping that she can pace herself to exploring things, and leave some to explore together so that she isn't as bored. She also has plans to study a new profession so I think that can occupy her time. 

 

You guys have given a lot of good ideas of things I haven't thought of yet and i think that we can really get her settled in!

Where will she study? If she does it before GC she will most likely have to pay out of state tuition 

[Wuozopo 4,285]

2 hours ago, Scandi said:

My husband (the USC) added me to his bank account and gave me a card to that account instead on his own accord, made me really feel like it was "us" and not just "you" and "me". Pocket money like what you described wouldn't have worked at all for me. That would've made me feel excluded and like "oh so I only get some pocket money and you don't trust me to share your account with me?". Glad we all think and feel differently. 

 

Well I used the term "pocket money" loosely. We get $200 a pop out of the machine so talking $100 plus whatever was left from the last stop at the ATM. Plus added to the bank account (with my own ATM card) within the first week. Three credit cards. And a car 🚗. So yeah, I felt trusted and like "us".

 

We too pool the money and have no individual bank accounts. Old school maybe? (I read so many on here who want their separate accounts.)  Remember soon-to-be-married folks, you are going to have to show two years of co-mingling finances when you remove conditions to get the 10 year greencard. 

[KatieAndNaimah 108]

1 hour ago, Georgia16 said:

Where will she study? If she does it before GC she will most likely have to pay out of state tuition 

She is going to study to be a software engineer, thankfully it's a profession where being self taught still can afford as much opportunity as going to school for it, though we are also looking into coding boot camps to give her an additional edge, haven't ruled anything out yet.

[TBoneTX 43,328]

Mrs. T-B. had spent previous time in the U.S., and perhaps I overestimated certain aspects of her acculturation.

 

For example, someone had given me a copy of Cat Fancy.  She picked it up and exclaimed in disbelief, "You have magazines about cats?!"  She was also moderately jealous of my long-time cat and the established routines.  Eventually, she noted to me, "In Ecuador, cats aren't members of the family; they're just animals."  It's things like this that one can overlook when an immigrant newly arrives.

[Horus 6]

It's funny because my fiance and I would be living with my parents when we move to San Diego for a couple months. His family have already moved to Oregon and Florida by the time we fly out. I'm worried about having a hard time adjusting, but this also isn't my first rodeo so to speak when it comes to picking up and moving to a totally different country (four times now with Cambodia being the latest) mostly on my own - but at least this time, I'd have family already there and my fiance with me. It's gonna be a ton of fun, I think.

 

Still, there's still a lot of things that I'm worried about. For the most part, I can blend easily with Americans (International School with all american teachers and classmates, baby!), but there are things that I seriously don't know about the United States of A. For one thing, I didn't know Kentucky was a state until 2 years ago. My friends were talking about the Kentucky Derby and I loudly said... "Man, you all must love chicken to name a horse race after a chicken food chain".

 

The laughter I heard still haunts me to this day.

 

Haha

 

When it comes to money-wise, I have decided to let him handle all of that because I'm a terrible person when it comes to saving. When we moved to Cambodia, I was the one with the full time job (something that we talked about and agreed on) and I still preferred to let him handle the money because I am so very not good with it. I'm scared of not being able to work for a couple of months, but I figured if he could do it for the year and half that we lived here, I'm sure that's something I can do as well.

 

7 hours ago, David & Zoila said:

Oh, but I  am also married to a Filipina.  And I know exactly what I am talking about.  I am 100% sure.  And I gotta tell you the time wasted on this CFO nonsense was just that...time wasted.  They warned of stuff that has not happened in the US for 50 or 60 years.  A huge money-maker for the Philippine government.  They could have accomplished much more by simply handing them a brochure.  It was a waste of time and money.  We have been married since September 2012 so I am very familiar with the Philippines and have never visited a country in my life that was more corrupt. (And I have visited 10 countries)  Don't get me wrong.  I love the Philippines and it's people but the government and anyone that has any power and control over anyone will use that power in excess.  Money can buy you ANYTHING in the Philippines.  So the USA is far safer than the Philippines. 

To be honest, I had the same mindset when I first heard that Filipinos had to go through with that, but I've researched it and I've ended up agreeing with it. I think other countries should even apply it on their own countries. There are a lot of sweet and easily fooled Pinays and Pinoys. So the seminar to me seems to be a really good way to make sure that pinoys going to the US have a way out should they realize that this wasn't what they expected it would be.

 

It's not just a powerpoint presentation and interview part 2, from what my friends and people I know have told me, they counsel you to make sure that you're ready for this move in your life.

 

Also, corruption is everywhere, and sometimes it has nothing to do with money but your connections as well.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Horus

[TBoneTX 43,328]

The following might be of interest to some readers of this thread.

 

On Mrs. T-B.'s first Sunday in the U.S., I dropped her at a Spanish-language service at a nearby Catholic church.  (She isn't religious, but she's highly sociable.)  I waited outside at the appointed pick-up time.  She emerged late, bubbling with excitement, and eagerly introduced me to some new acquaintances.  She got some social engagements from this, including a party invitation from some local Ecuadorians.  None of these specific relationships endured, but they made her feel at home by giving her "contact" with immigrants who were already here and in later stages of integration into U.S. culture and society.

 

We repeated these church visits for a few weeks until she seemed satisfied with the size of her group of new friends.

 

In retrospect, this was one of the better things that I did in her early time here.  Church attendees are typically decent people, so it was a high-percentage way to help her develop a social circle.

Edited June 15, 2017 by TBoneTX

[carriec90 1]

We are currently waiting on the visa to be mailed to him- but here are some things I've done so far:

 

Bought him essentials like deodorant, shampoo, beard oil, an electric razor, etc- Things I think he will use regularly but perhaps won't want to pack
Cleaned out half the closet for him and drawers in bathroom for him

Bought him lots of underwear and socks- few shirts/undershirts/shorts and a robe 

Bought a toaster because he loves toast and the thought of me just using broil on the oven is appalling to him

Have pictures of us up

We play a lot of games together so I bought him his own PlayStation controller for some sweet couch co-op

Got some new pillows for him

 

Pretty much I just tried to think about what he uses on a daily basis to have ready for him so it feels more like home.

 

When he gets here we are going to go to the store and pick out foods and products he wants to try. 

[YecaCruz 375]

something I also did was give him space. As much as I wanted to throttle him with love and affection when I would get home from work but I didn't. This was in the few months it took to get his green card. I came home and didn't bombard him right away. Since he's a super lovey-dovey latino he probably wouldn't have minded but still...a dude needs his space.

 

I also brought some of his clothes with me the last time I visited him so he wouldn't have to haul so much through customs. He now has a ton of Castillo del Rey t-shirts that he doesn't wear. Just don't know why I hauled a sea-bag full of his unused t-shirts   maybe I can make a blanket out of them.

 

We also bring back products from Nica when we go down there that we can't find in Bismarck. I have also just mastered the art of making Nicaraguan-style tortillas so I can check off one thing on my growing list of Central American food I need to learn how to make.