Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Lauren and Kevin 55]

Hi Ava, there are 8 pages of answers in this thread - and this is an true indication of how caring everyone is here to help you, as we are all independent and going through our own issues as we wook though this awful process.

Just from my own experience, I know how difficult it is to go back when you are so far through and committed your heart. But I want to give you the same advice my mother gave me when I was in a similar situation to yours some years back, (before meeting my wonderful Lauren).

I told my mother about all my plans and what was happening, and she said "go" "your heart will recover much faster when you see how it really is"

So I did, and I spent time with this girl, and when I was lying there at night wishing I could get an earlier flight back to the UK, it was very clear.

So - please go there for a couple of weeks, and once you are there, your heart will tell you truly this is a disaster, and you can come home happy that you made the right decision and look for someone else who will really care for you.

..and you will heal faster..

..and p.s. um..speaking as a Dad...don't trust HIM to take, ahem, precautions....don't get trapped...

Edited July 21, 2015 by Lauren and Kevin

[Hank_ 9,174]

I really appreciate your help (btw your cats are beyond precious ) There is a dilemma that is added to everything: I am currently working in my home-country (France) and my boss said she wants to promote me. Now I must state that it took me a LONG while (about 8 months) to find a job in this difficult economy, and it is a job I enjoy. If I do go to the US, and stay 90 days at the very least, my boss will give my job to someone else and then I'll have to return home and start all over again, with no job to support myself. It is such a tricky situation...I can barely sleep at night and my heart races..I don't know what to do and I am worried to make a mistake, one way or another.And I would never forgive myself.

My gut say, cut and run.

[AvaAdore 4]

I 134

Hello again lovely people

The amount of support from you is overwhelming. I have a few close friends here, who don't really know him but they are very worried as they see he is not reaching out to me when he should, and not doing the basics to maintain a relationship. The stark contrast is that in person, he is all over me. But not here for me emotionally when I'm away, and in need of love and support. They say it can't be right, and perhaps his intentions aren't totally honest.

I will reply to all of you once I return from work tonight. But as per this quick question. To file the petition we only needed the I-134 form with the affidavit of support. His dad was our co-sponsor then, because he knew that signing these is not legally binding. Whereas the one for the AOS would be legally binding.

I'm trying to act fact as I have seen decently priced rountrip tickets...but their prices increase daily so if I book it, I must do so very soon. Also a one-way ticket is often more expensive than a roundtrip ticket, but I guess it makes sense. If I were to book a roundtrip ticket for a couple of weeks, just to be able to assess the situation first-hand and see if he changes in person (all this while keeping my job, in case things go badly, as I'd be using these 2 weeks off as my holiday), wouldn't the immigration officer at the airport find it suspicious that I have a roundtrip ticket and not a single ticket? Would he be able to see this, or would he solely see the "Paris-LA" ticket given by the airline upon checking in?

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Trina, good point. Well he has been the center of my world since I gave my heart to him. You see I'm a shy, private person, and once someone is in my heart, it's forever.

I wasn't going to post because other people have covered this so well but reading this post made me sad. You sound like you'd be a really good wife for someone but not this guy. You'd be wasted on him. Do you really want a life with someone who doesn't love you or even respect you? There are much better men out there and many of them have jobs and don't live with their mum and expect you to provide for them with your savings. Get out while you can.

[bloopygirl 20]

Ava, you sound like such a wonderful person. You deserve to be with someone who makes an effort to take care of you. Someone who is to stressed out to search for a job, or is stressed out just by a bit of paperwork will not make a good husband, unfortunately.

Sometimes we need to think about more than just love. It's not realistic to build a life with someone who will not look for a job, who wants you to fritter away your savings, who doesn't care if you are there legally or illegally. When you move to the US, you will be away from all of your friends and family, and nobody will speak your language. It may be hard for you to find a job, too. This process is difficult to begin with, it will be even harder with someone who cannot handle stress, and pressures you into things you are not ready for, like having children. It sounds like he is making all the decisions, and you are not even thinking about what is right for you. It's your life.

Everything you have told us about this man suggests that he is not ready to be a husband. He doesn't sound like he can handle the stress of marriage and parenthood very well. Please take care of yourself. At the very least, if I were in your position, I would wait a year or two for him to mature a little bit and look for a job. Good luck

[Loki_Go 126]

Don't be a martyr. This has disaster written all over it and like others have said, you deserve so much more. Love does not resemble what you have.

You may have given him your heart but you can indeed take it right back. I think you already know this. I'm so sorry, I've been through a similar relationship... but in a year you'll be back on your feet and so grateful you didn't do this.

[nitsirk7562 82]

I've been reading this post and it's wonderful to see the outpouring of support for your situation. It sounds like, from this post, that you've decided to maybe book the ticket and give it a shot?

As a person who was emotionally manipulated in the past, I know exactly how you feel. He was so great in the beginning, right? It was easy to trust him and you fell hard and fast. He changed and you're confused as to who the "real" him is. Is he the sweet, loving, attentive guy you met at the beginning? Or is he a lazy, manipulative abuser who makes everything your fault when you know deep down it's not. I've been there. I didn't listen to the advice of my friends or even a forum I posted on about it. I didn't think anyone could offer me any advice because they didn't know the "real" him. I don't know if you will listen. If you're like I was, you won't. You'll go, it'll be an amazing 2 weeks because he's got you now, directly in his control. He can sweep you off your feet again and make you feel like this was the right decision. But then, after you've married, maybe after you're pregnant, he'll show his true colors once again. You'll be heartbroken with no job, no security, and no foreseeable way out.

I've seen it so many times and I was a victim myself. Please listen to the awesome advice here and don't go. He's controlling you from afar and he can do it better in person. I didn't think I could ever move on, but I met an amazing man who loves and respects me. Now I'm happily married to the right person. Someone who doesn't need to "change" or "be fixed." Trust me, this guy is not your project and shouldn't be. It's not possible to change someone. They have to want to change on their own.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. Remember that if you do decide to go, you'll make yourself extremely vulnerable to being caught up in the romance of seeing each other again. You can only think rationally by staying in France. Congrats on your promotion. Remember that if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so. He should have no problem moving to France. Ce n'est pas difficile d'apprendre la langue!

Sending my thoughts and prayers your way in this tough time.

Hello again lovely people

The amount of support from you is overwhelming. I have a few close friends here, who don't really know him but they are very worried as they see he is not reaching out to me when he should, and not doing the basics to maintain a relationship. The stark contrast is that in person, he is all over me. But not here for me emotionally when I'm away, and in need of love and support. They say it can't be right, and perhaps his intentions aren't totally honest.

I will reply to all of you once I return from work tonight. But as per this quick question. To file the petition we only needed the I-134 form with the affidavit of support. His dad was our co-sponsor then, because he knew that signing these is not legally binding. Whereas the one for the AOS would be legally binding.

I'm trying to act fact as I have seen decently priced rountrip tickets...but their prices increase daily so if I book it, I must do so very soon. Also a one-way ticket is often more expensive than a roundtrip ticket, but I guess it makes sense. If I were to book a roundtrip ticket for a couple of weeks, just to be able to assess the situation first-hand and see if he changes in person (all this while keeping my job, in case things go badly, as I'd be using these 2 weeks off as my holiday), wouldn't the immigration officer at the airport find it suspicious that I have a roundtrip ticket and not a single ticket? Would he be able to see this, or would he solely see the "Paris-LA" ticket given by the airline upon checking in?

[Boiler 47,455]

I think you are silly to go.

But MA y people use return tickets as they are cheaper.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Boiler

[rob999 51]

You've had so much great advice already. You have got a lot of emotions rolling up and they make us focus on our dreams instead of reality.

Take a break, take a step back and think - if this was the "perfect" man for me what would he be doing now?

Don't go stopping and compromising in your life to realize it was one big mistake to then have to repair your life whilst he sits in a sofa all day and acts like a 12 year old.

Someone who says "marriage is for kids" I don't agree with and could say harsh words here. We are all different but at the end of the day our principles is what keeps our love for each other strong and makes the one whom you are with your soulmate. If you don't agree on the principles of love between yourselves then do you really think this will be your last relationship challenge with him? I'm not sure this is a sign of you building a happy life.

If my fiancee was from a different country I would learn her language even if she was the one coming to an English speaking country, firstly out of respect and secondly it's part of her - where she's grown up. I would want my fiancee to keep that part of her as it makes her her and if it helps by me learning the language then I don't care how hard it would be to learn!

Clearly you have beautiful dream in your mind but you need to check the dream with reality, if you really really really want to give him a chance then don't go to him, make him come to you! Ask him to show his seriousness! And don't pay! Even being unemployed, money is no object, if me I would find the money from where ever to show my seriousness if I was in the same position (I wouldn't actually get in this position). If he doesn't then wake up from your dream and find a man whom really will respect and support your dream.

Sorry that you have this dilemma, wish you all the best and stay strong and focused!

[Mike-eeh and Odie 193]

This hurts to read this...but I know that if I was in your shoes, I would suggest similarly. It's so hard because he used to call me his "soulmate", and the "most wonderful person" etc.I remember all this, and can't let go. But maybe I should, as you suggest...

Your wife is very lucky. Yes I wanted him to learn French but he never found the time for it.

Interesting...I asked him just that, what are the things that stresses you out so much. And he said "just being alive". BTW, I had to prepare all our previous paperwork, because he would not put any effort and there were errors, wrong digits entered ec...I didn't want us denied so I spent hours at night preparing all the paperwork.

Do you think it might be the distance that made him be so aloof and neglecting?

Listen up. Long distance relationships can be difficult, and at times, stressful. My wife and I were apart for 2 years before she came here. We had our fights, but we always, always, always worked it out together to find resolution. I never told my wife "I don't want to talk about it." That is the worst thing one can say as it stops communication. In my opinion, the long distance is not making him aloof and neglecting. He is taking your love for granted because he believes he "has you where he wants you."

We did our K-1 via a visa service, but we both still had our share of work to submit to the visa service. We worked together, stayed up late discussing our evidence and details. To tell you the truth, by working together, we became more close and committed to the idea of being together. What has he done to help your K-1 process? Nothing. As you say, you did all the paperwork. It is you who were committed to the idea of being together, not him. If he wanted you here as a loving wife, he would have gotten off his butt and helped with the paperwork. It's not like he had a job to go to, like I did, where doing the paperwork after a hard day's work could be immensely taxing. If he cared about your approval, he should have been the one working on the paperwork.

Oh and by the way, you can surely state that my wife is lucky, but in my opinion, I am the lucky one, I am the luckiest man alive to have such a wonderful woman like my wife. She is my world, my everything and I would follow her to the end of time. No task is too daunting, no conversation is too dull, and any time with her is time worth spending. For example, I hate shopping. I downright despise it. But my wife loves shopping. My wife cannot drive, she has this fear of driving. So guess who has to drive her and accompany her shopping? You guessed it! Now I may be a bit cranky when we shop and she will say things like, "You hate me, don't you for taking you shopping?" And I'll say, "I don't hate you, I just hate shopping. But I also love being with you, so it's not so bad."

Now If you go to the USA I can almost guarantee you the following scenario:

1. You arrive in the USA and decide to stay the 90 days.

2. You drive "home" to his mom's house where you live with his other brother and sisters.

3. He will be all nice and lovable, just as he was when you first met. But don't be fooled, this is an act.

4. After 90 Days, you may decide to marry him. (Big Mistake)

5. After you marry he will not file your AoS because you guessed it, he can't afford it because he still wont have a job.

6. You may think about taking "cash" jobs to help pay for the AoS, and when you have enough money, your AoS still wont happen because he is too busy saving the fantasy world of Aezeroth on his computer to fill out and sign the paperwork.

7. You will then be out of status, illegal, and jobless. You may have been foolish enough to actually have kids, and this is right where he wants you. Why?

8. Because now he can threaten to get you deported if you leave. And if you leave, you cannot come back because you will be out of status, and possibly banned from the USA. You also wont be able to take your children with you even if you decide to leave because he would have to sign permission for you to take them (the children would be US Citizens). As a non-Citizen, you have no say in their travel, and taking them to another state can be considered kidnapping.

9. He'll have you there as his own personal housewife and servant. Occasionally he'll do something nice when he feels you cant take it any more and want to leave, at which point you may "go back to him," hoping he will change, but he won't, trust me.

There are many scenarios not too different form this right here on VJ. As a psychologist, I can tell you, from what you told me so far, that his behavior is classic manipulative, and you should proceed with caution. If you do go to the USA, and want to see his true colors, I advise you to:

1. Use your $4000.00 to find a cheap apartment/rental/motel in his neighborhood and stay there. If you are in the "lion's den (his mom's home)," you will feel obligated to listen to him and his family. They may even coax you into marrying him. You need your own place any way to shower and have privacy.

2. DO NOT under any circumstances have sex with him. Tell him that if he loves you and are worth waiting for, he will wait until you are married. If he presses the issue, use your round trip ticket and go home.

3. Make it clear to him that after 90 days if he does not have a full time job, and an apartment/house of your own, it's over and you are on the next plane to France.

4. Tell him to give up video games for 90 days. If he can't make a small sacrifice for you now, he wont make big sacrifices later, like when he has kids. To ensure he gives up video games, tell him that his game console and PC must stay with you in your hotel room.

I give him 20 days before he shows his true colors.

I might also add, that as a real man, I am bound to behave like a man. A real man adores and respects his woman and would do anything for her. A real man cares enough to provide for his wife and children. A real man supports his wife's goals and ambitions. A real man thinks about the future of his family. A real man communicates his thoughts and desires so that nothing is misunderstood. Finally, a real man makes time for his wife and children, nothing is more important, not a job, not his parents or siblings, not even a video game. Think about it, do you want a real man or a little boy? You are a strong, independent woman with ambition. You need a strong, independent man who will support your goals as well as have his own goals to accomplish. Think about it.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

As the mutual sediment is here....you should probably not go.

However, I can fully understand wanting to see for yourself and perhaps get full closure or a miracle. PLEASE purchase a round trip ticket. No they will not think its strange, as you just said it is cheaper. K1 visa's give you 90 days to see if you do want to stay in the USA and get married. No where does it say you have to get married....especially after arriving and seeing that this relationship is not in your best interest and bring nothing to the table for you. Matter of fact that is a great question! You offer so much to him....What does he bring to the table?? What does he offer in this relationship??

[Mike-eeh and Odie 193]

...Love on my side, I mentioned. On his side, as he shut me down a few times in the past, I send him a photo that had this text "Treat her like you're still trying to win her, and that's how you'll never lose her". To that, he responded "I don't care enough to do so and I don't have the energy to do so. I'd rather play video games or work out. No stress, no complaints".

*sighs*

...He says he is attached to his brothers, sister and family and cat. But what about mine? he didn't even ask. And I have a cat, that I love so much..he didn't even suggest me to bring her, but at the same time my mother wants to keep my cat as she believes she wouldn't tolerate the flight, so she wants to keep my cat.

...I realise he may see this as a weakness to exploit.

He gave me several other reasons, such as he doesn't like the people here. The few times I tried to teach him, he would pronounce a word and then just give up. Another thing that is making my head boil is that he never asks how I'm feeling. I had a medical issue not long ago, and he never asks how things are now. I asked why and he said that if I wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it...

Thanks Sarah. I don't know why he can't see how many sacrifices I have to make. He never commented on it, or said he appreciates it...

Hello, to be honest it terrifies me to live all that behind. But not once has he asked me how I felt about it. he sleeps 12 hours a day, knows how hard I work, and I always have to ask him for Skype chats. It's tearing me apart.

Yes, same, I was excited about the process in fact, and the hurdles meant nothing to me. To me each step was one step closer to living together and I accepted that. While he just found it overly stressful.

Right now it is midnight, I haven't eaten, my eyes are still shedding tears from having to take that decision. And he isn't even calling me or asking about my day.Yes expects me to be on that plane in 2 weeks, with no affection before.

Take some time to read what you wrote. The answer is clear and your own brain is telling you that he is no good for you. Save your money and don't buy a plane ticket. This man obviously does not care about you, and you realize that.

I know it will be difficult to let go, and it will hurt. But time will heal your heart and you will find the man you are meant to be with the rest of your life. A real man who cares about you and will make you his world, his everything. There are men here on VJ who aren't even your fiance, who care enough to tell you that this man will make your life miserable. You deserve better, don't be a martyr for this guy, what would be the point? It's not like he will appreciate your suffering.

[p1nkmamba 18]

Hello again lovely people

The amount of support from you is overwhelming. I have a few close friends here, who don't really know him but they are very worried as they see he is not reaching out to me when he should, and not doing the basics to maintain a relationship. The stark contrast is that in person, he is all over me. But not here for me emotionally when I'm away, and in need of love and support. They say it can't be right, and perhaps his intentions aren't totally honest.

I will reply to all of you once I return from work tonight. But as per this quick question. To file the petition we only needed the I-134 form with the affidavit of support. His dad was our co-sponsor then, because he knew that signing these is not legally binding. Whereas the one for the AOS would be legally binding.

I'm trying to act fact as I have seen decently priced rountrip tickets...but their prices increase daily so if I book it, I must do so very soon. Also a one-way ticket is often more expensive than a roundtrip ticket, but I guess it makes sense. If I were to book a roundtrip ticket for a couple of weeks, just to be able to assess the situation first-hand and see if he changes in person (all this while keeping my job, in case things go badly, as I'd be using these 2 weeks off as my holiday), wouldn't the immigration officer at the airport find it suspicious that I have a roundtrip ticket and not a single ticket? Would he be able to see this, or would he solely see the "Paris-LA" ticket given by the airline upon checking in?

No, people buy roundtrips on here all the time because it is cheaper. IF YOU STAY, then cancel the return flight. Sadly, I don't think you will.

I am jumping in late, but I agree with what everyone has said in this thread, so I will not repeat it all.

Good luck and well wishes.

[Happytobe 164]

I've been reading this post and it's wonderful to see the outpouring of support for your situation. It sounds like, from this post, that you've decided to maybe book the ticket and give it a shot?

As a person who was emotionally manipulated in the past, I know exactly how you feel. He was so great in the beginning, right? It was easy to trust him and you fell hard and fast. He changed and you're confused as to who the "real" him is. Is he the sweet, loving, attentive guy you met at the beginning? Or is he a lazy, manipulative abuser who makes everything your fault when you know deep down it's not. I've been there. I didn't listen to the advice of my friends or even a forum I posted on about it. I didn't think anyone could offer me any advice because they didn't know the "real" him. I don't know if you will listen. If you're like I was, you won't. You'll go, it'll be an amazing 2 weeks because he's got you now, directly in his control. He can sweep you off your feet again and make you feel like this was the right decision. But then, after you've married, maybe after you're pregnant, he'll show his true colors once again. You'll be heartbroken with no job, no security, and no foreseeable way out.

I've seen it so many times and I was a victim myself. Please listen to the awesome advice here and don't go. He's controlling you from afar and he can do it better in person. I didn't think I could ever move on, but I met an amazing man who loves and respects me. Now I'm happily married to the right person. Someone who doesn't need to "change" or "be fixed." Trust me, this guy is not your project and shouldn't be. It's not possible to change someone. They have to want to change on their own.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. Remember that if you do decide to go, you'll make yourself extremely vulnerable to being caught up in the romance of seeing each other again. You can only think rationally by staying in France. Congrats on your promotion. Remember that if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so. He should have no problem moving to France. Ce n'est pas difficile d'apprendre la langue!

Sending my thoughts and prayers your way in this tough time.

THIS!! I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship about 17 years ago that then turned to physical abuse. The relationship started how you, Ava, said yours started. He was attentive, romantic, and promised me the world. Soon, I found myself living with the guy, taking care of his kids, paying all the bills because he would blow all his money, and being manipulated in the same ways that you are. One minute he would tell me that I was this awful person, the next he would apologize and blame that comment on being frustrated or stressed out.... I can guarantee that if you come, the first couple of weeks will be amazing, so you'll decide to stay.... then, he'll become worse than he is now, and you'll be trapped. See if you can extend the visa, but don't tell him you are.... then, see what he would do to be with you.

The things that you have stated that he says to you are all incredibly manipulative and hurtful. I dare you to take all of this to a friend or family member and see what their reaction is. If it's anything short of the reactions you've gotten here, I'd be surprised. I truly do understand your feelings that it's just the distance and that he'll be different when you're here, but I'm very doubtful he's going to change. Granted this is based on my own personal experiences with people like this and sure there's the small possibility that he's something different, but are you really willing to risk everything to possibly end up in a situation you have no control over or can't escape from?

One of the posters above states that they are a psychologist, and that this person is not an emotionally healthy individual.... Please take heed. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you make the best decision for yourself. At the same time, I'm truly terrified for you.

[Roy&Chanel 109]

Ava, both are you are still young. He's only 20, hes still in the playing games mode and thinking gaming as a profession or being someone Pro in game. He needs to know what gaming is for. It is supposed to be leisure unless he is trying to be some esports player professionally like those dota2 league of legends players who actually earn money monthly. Which those players have to play alot a day and to even scout for agents to sign them up. You need to be really really really good to be one. Since he is so into gaming, is he even trying to be a professional gamer or try to find a job in gaming companies like being a GM or something? Nope, he aint trying at all. There are so many jobs opportunities even in the gaming industry in US, such as working in gaming exhibition events as a promoter, working as a customer service support helpline for the game.

You need to have a deep down conversation with him to let him understand that he is wasting his time away by playing games. You're not asking him to quit but play lesser and make it a part time rather than gaming as a full time. If he doesnt listen which most 20 year olds wouldn't, you should leave him and find someone new. Take your time to find the one, you are still young I believe. There are alot of future for you. There are so many choices out there just like what other posters said. Leaving him is actually a knock in his head to let him understand that he just lost someone he "loves". A wife is there for rest of life, but games? A click on a wipe out by the game master, its all gone.

If you know that going there is just a learning lesson, why even bother to go? I believe you don't even need the lesson because you have posted your insecurities and doubts here, it shows that you're mature enough to think. Save your money, if you have bought the tickets, cancel it and get a refund or just take it as a learning lesson rather than paying more when you are there and having the chance to lose your job and even might have to spend your 4k savings. It is clear that he is not ready for marriage and getting serious in a relationship. Even you are there, it might be difficult for you to judge because you're in love, you will be so into the sweet moment and believe almost everything he said. You have no friends there to help you or to tell you to learn to say No. Do you see yourself as a mother and living a life taking care of his mom, being a housewife in future? Or would you rather have a job in France, might go up to managerial roles and eventually met some mature working man there or somewhere?

Think wisely please. Also, look at the majority of us giving you an answer as do not go there. It already tells everything.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Roy&Chanel