Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Boiler 43,543]

The French Scrabble Champion can not speak French btw

[AvaAdore 4]

You shouldn't ever ask a person to change for you. If the person is so flawed that things have to change prior to you ever getting married, end this relationship and keep looking. This guy sounds like, from everything you've said, he's just not that interested in marriage, your arrival in the US, or putting effort forward in anyway. Why on earth would you expect that to change once you got here?

It's understandable that maybe you feel insecure, that you might not find someone to love you like he "did in the beginning", or that you are not prepared to be single. I promise you that your focus in life from this moment on should be on learning how to love yourself only. Figure out how to better yourself, hobbies that you like, what you want to do in life, etc.

Change your phone number, your email or any other method he uses to get ahold of you and move on.

Last - just because you love someone or gave them your heart does not mean they deserve it. I love my exhusband and always will. Doesn't mean I would ever talk to him again.

Thanks Margaret. I think you are right when you said he doesn't sound interested in what should make him over the moon...the marriage, and my arrival. But never does he communicated he was even glad about it. Why can't be be honest then? Is it definitely a way to lead me on? Perhaps because he can sense that no matter all the lies and betrayals he did, I still stayed?

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[AvaAdore 4]

I know how you feel. It really break us apart when we're in an unbalanced relationship, where you're giving too much of yourself away and not getting the support and love you want and deserve.

There's a point in life that you need to ask yourself if you want to live like this. You're responsible for your own happiness and have the power to change and go after it.

Thanks so much, I know deep down you are right. I often ask myself why he does not give me the support and love I need, to reciprocate. Could it be manipulation, or a deeper problem. Guess I'll never know.

[AvaAdore 4]

Do you see how he manipulates you? He didn't behave properly, but in the end he says it's your fault?

Sad to say, but he simply doesn't care about you (doesn't ask how you're doing/feeling; doesn't put any effort in the process or prepare for a good life for you two by getting a job and planning properly...)

You sound like a resourceful and sane person - your heart will heal and you will be ready to meet someone as great as you are. Pour toujours with the wrong one is a long sentence.

Hi there. Yes, shifting the blame to another person, is according to my friend, typical of cluster B personality disorders, and sociopaths. I do not know whether he is one, but what she explained hinted at it.

Pour toujours...was all I wanted from the very beginning.

[AvaAdore 4]

I've read the whole thread and based on everything you have said, I think this guy is not comfortable or too afraid of the real world.

I think he likes to play video games and meet people online. He doesn't want to work, or really do anything outside of the comfortable bedroom at his mother's house.

I think he liked meeting you, getting to know you, having you fall in love with him, talking you into marrying him and having his children. But he doesn't at all seem to like the reality of the situation he created.

I agree that you should not leave France. He has not shown you that you can rely on him. He's even said that you shouldn't come.

You need to distance yourself from him because you deserve better. Let him see the consequences of his own actions.

If he becomes responsible, gets a job, creates a home for you two, and makes your happiness and well-being a priority, then you can reapply for the K1.

But I really wouldn't hold my breath.

You should not be the only one worrying about your future together.

Thanks ever so much, I am now certain I will not marry him, I am planning on getting there and see first hand how he is getting along with his job search, and if by miracle he found a job, I would re-consider this if he starts caring for me more. He once listened to some awful song that had lyrics as these "I respect your feelings as a woman", and I told him it was disappointed that he would enjoy such a song...now I realise he may just not respect women altogether.

Regarding what you said in your first paragraph, do you think it was all a game for him? just having me fall in love with him? What kind of person would toy with someone's heart like this?

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[AvaAdore 4]

Ava, is that your name? Don't be sad because what we're all making you realize now is a blessing. Trust me, you don't want to realize this stuff once you're already here and kinda trapped. The fact that he only wants you (it sounds like to be his trophy wife) is very concerning. He wants you to play home while he goes and plays. I'm not saying he would cheat on you, but I do not think he's mature enough for marriage at this point and has some growing up to do. Maybe you can put this all on hold in a way? Tell him you refuse to come until he gets a job. Then you'll REALLY see his true colors.

Hello Shauna, no it's just a nick. Thanks so much for being so very kind, I am experiencing a severe hardship but I promise you and everyone that I will not allow him to abuse me any further. Telling him I refuse to come until he gets a job...I did hun. And his response was "well don't come then, if that's all you care about". So again, he put the guilt on me then.

[cdneh 3,112]

I'm just an old lady, really. But in my time I've seen, and been in, relationships such as yours.

They never change, never. In spite of pretty words, best intentions, groveling apologies, they never do. Not only will he never again 'be the person he used to be', he never was that person, not down deep. It's all been an illusion, an total fabrication. He is not who you thought he was, and you cannot make him over into the person you want him to be.

You are headed for disaster, absolutely. Things aren't going to get better, he has no reason for them to. He thinks he has you all sewn up, and he never needs again in his life to make an effort. Not to make you happy, not to grow up and act like an actual man, not to be a good father.

I can't believe you would seriously consider moving in with this infantile person, and his mother, and his 5 siblings, and his cat. You have no idea how that alone spells disaster.

It doesn't matter what his personality type is, or his reason for his lack of interest in the process, in life, in you. You cannot change any of it. Neither is any of it your fault, so don't accept any blame for his failure to perform. None.

If you never in your life again listen to what people are telling you here, do it now.

Send him an email. Tell him you will not consider making this move as the situation actually is. Do not apologize, do not plead or beg. Then stop all contact. Change the lot, your phone number, your email address, any way he could potentially use to get at you.

And stick with it. Take your heart back. Don't accept an iota of guilt, you've done nothing to deserve that. Keep your job, take that promotion, look around you at all you have and are throwing away with both hands. This 'man' is not worth any of that.

[AvaAdore 4]

I am very sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. It's very easy to be on the outside looking at your situation and wonder why you would stay. Ultimately though, it has to be your decision, as it is your life. The only thing I will offer, is advice that someone once told me; that simply is, when someone tells you something, listen to it. The fact he stated "I don't care enough to do so" and made a statement regarding that the K1 process has made him stop loving you, should tell you everything you need to know. I wish you the best with the rest of your journey and it's amazing to see the support that everyone here on VJ is able to offer.

Absolutely. As I told my friend earlier, if I was looking at that situation from outside, I'd tell the person to run. But alas my feelings are involved and this renders me, almost blinded to it.

Yes, when someone tells you something, listen to it, and take it at face value. The only reason why I didn't leave him is that he is unlike anyone I ever met before: everytime he profusely apologises. Which NOW makes me wonder whether:

1/ he is manipulating me, taking me for a ride

2/ has some more deeper, mental issue.

[Lemonslice 4,563]

You might want to Google "reproductive coercion" - your manipulator seems to want to try that. Be safe Ava

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Thanks ever so much, I am now certain I will not marry him, I am planning on getting there and see first hand how he is getting along with his job search, and if by miracle he found a job, I would re-consider this if he starts caring for me more. He once listened to some awful song that had lyrics as these "I respect your feelings as a woman", and I told him it was disappointed that he would enjoy such a song...now I realise he may just not respect women altogether.

Regarding what you said in your first paragraph, do you think it was all a game for him? just having me fall in love with him? What kind of person would toy with someone's heart like this?

Dear Ava:

Trying to explain or find answers to his behaviors, lack of responsibility, amibition, and motivation are futile aren't they? Does it truly matter why he does and says the things he does? I think not. Sending him emails and messages explaining his poor behavior to him isn't going to do anything. He's not going to read it and all of a sudden pop into the mature, responsibile adult he should be. And honestly, telling him what you want and need has proven futile as well. I know you love him and its hard to let that go. But please don't waste your young pretty years on him. You deserve so much more. You seem so sweet and way too mature for him. I wish you wouldn't bother to go to see him, but I guess no one can tell you what to do.

[AvaAdore 4]

You deserve better and I think there are many others that agree here. It seems you have been committed 100% and he isn't. It's hard to let go of someone and the hope that you will have that person you fell in love with. But you have a lot of good things going for you there, and if I was him and you were coming to see me in 2 weeks I would he overjoyed!! But it seems there is only sadness.

Ultimately you will decide what you want to do for you, no matter what others say here. But there are lots of us out there who see the warning signs and are posting for you here, seems like rooting for you here. I think that regardless of starting the process over or not perhaps that is best right now since this man isn't being 100% committed.

You gotta do what makes you happy and what makes the best sense for you.

Yes it's the most soul-crushing feeling I've ever felt. It feels I am incapacitated because of my feelings, to just tell him off. And I know he sees that, and probably watches and rejoice of all the power he has over me.

People here are marvelous, you all care more than he seems to, as sad as it sounds.

[AvaAdore 4]

I read through this thread and I genuinely feel for you. We all know the trials of being in love across oceans and it's heart wrenching. And to now be at the finish line and to see that things are not what they initially seem has to be a punch in the gut. I'm sorry *hugs*

From what you've written, you do seem very smart and reasonable. My countryman that you have fallen in love with seems like he doesn't deserve the prize that you are. You have a good thing going for you in France and it would be an absolute shame to give up a promising future for someone who is proving to not have half the maturity and wisdom that a marriage will require.

I know it hurts and no one faults you for trying to sort through your feelings to make a decision. At best, I would suggest coming here for a short visit if closure or 'just to see' is an absolute must for you. But, from what you've written, this relationship is a farce and you need to start your healing process to move forward with your life.

Everything is gonna be ok. You're smart and you'll get through this.

Best of luck

"And to now be at the finish line and to see that things are not what they initially seem has to be a punch in the gut" THIS is precisely how I feel. After all these efforts, this is what it is...and it feels like a nightmare. Every day I wake up and feel sick to my stomach because of this, every fiber of my being hurting, and there are times when he is so good at convincing me that I start to second-guess myself ('is it my fault for needing love, care and support? should I understand that he just doesn't have a job and be ok with it, as he PROMISED he'd get one soon?')

[AvaAdore 4]

Ava Try a leave of absence from your boss there, don't resign

You sound as if you are thinking str8 and petitioners dad seem a

very astute man.

Your fiancé sounds as if his parents have cushioned him 100% and now

he wants to add a fiancé, they knowing his ways of procrastinating & other

faults &will not sign on to his responsibility, one cannot blame the dad.

Getting a job now or now he will need a co-sponsor

Seem he would even find something fast-food to help for the moment,

I say come keep your job on ice, store some possessions with family or

friends, analyze the situation ..is he lazy, does he truly wants to work, is he

depressed, or is he about to trade in dependable enabling parents for a

dependable enabling wife and saddle you with quick pregnancy...How

would the baby eat when you have a new-born.You cannot work right away

Have a long talk with him, his family, and see the real deal this side. this way

you can return home at not much lost if you have to, cancel that K1 & not

mess yourself up for future travel to the US

His home situation with a houseful of family is not a good thing to leave

your home and stable job for, visit and return home , I garanttee that wont

be to your liking, they'll also gang up on you when things get ugly

Hello Jawaree. You see his father only co-signed for the I-134 Affidavit for the petition, because this one was not legally binding. And now, even though my fiance asked him to support us for our AOS, the dad refuses. Which makes me wonder...just as you said. He knows his son more than I do. His dad told me 5 months ago that I should 'kick his ### until he finds a job as he is very lazy'. I was shocked when I told me that then, as it seems harsh, but now, I see where he was coming from.

Yes I told him fast food places are recruiting, as there is a high turnover rate in such places. He just said he would drop his resume there, but didn't update me on it. I am also trying not to be a nuisance by reminding him of the necessity to get a job, but when I don't say anything, he lives his cozy life of leisure and doesn't even think of applying. Why can't it come from him?

I am planning on assessing the situation in person, but I KNOW, like I know, that he will say "I don't want to look for a job now, not that you're here...I want to focus on you and show you around".

they'll also gang up on you when things get ugly: this makes me cringe. But I know that many families do indeed side with their son/daughter even when the latter is wrong. And I would have noone to defend me, or be objective. he would have all the power, and more. me? defenseless.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

I thank you for your sympathy once again, really everyone here is making me see everything from a different perspective, and I no longer feel "bad" for needing him to have a job absolutely (when his mother thinks I shouldn't care about it).

I did indeed tell him I'm making all these compromises and sacrifices, and he seems to be taking that for granted. I said all this in the hope he'd realise all the efforts I put into it. But it has dawned on me that the more efforts I have made, the less effort he made. Why would that be? I jut don't understand the thinking behind it.

"marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%" is spot on.

You definitely shouldn't feel badly for feeling he needs to have a job. Sure, the $ is a necessity and a huge part of it, but so is the responsibility and the drive that most people desire in a partner.

My ex-husband (another USC) had issues with this. So while there were plenty of positives (and plenty of other issues in our relationship), he found himself unemployed for at least 9 months of the 3 years we were married. And it wasn't SO much the lack of income that I found troubling (although it would have helped), it was his lack of motivation and drive to make something of himself and support himself and his new wife (I had my own job). And we didn't have to deal with immigration issues on top of it. I can't even imagine....

You are not being selfish, you're being wise. It takes a lot of strength to stand up for yourself and move on from a bad situation. And you certainly seem to know what you want and what you deserve, and it doesn't sound like it's him.

Not using this K-1 (or using it for a round-trip visit) won't hurt your changes of anything in the future. Your VWP will still be intact, and you can always have another K-1 or CR-1 filed for you should circumstances change in the future. Don't let the visa date dictate your future.

[AvaAdore 4]

It's hard to be completely invested in this yourself and the other isn't, which is clear here. The problem with that is that you'll go beyond 100% in the hope they show 10%, but they keep on taking and taking, whether they know it or not.

Time to toughen up, Ava, and do what's best for YOU.

Is it worth leaving a secure job in France for something that (from the outside) looks hopeless? Are you going to end up mothering this man because he can't get off his backside? Are you just a replacement for his mother so he can continue living the sheltered, protected and comfortable life he (looks like he) has always had?

You need to work out if it's what you want - nobody here can tell you if it is or isn't, it's something only you know.

But from my personal point of view: I would be out of there quick smart.

Hello Tayurshu. My friend earlier was saying I have now be re-programmed by him to give my all, and expect nothing in return. What can I tell him to make him understand this?