Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[bluebook14 32]

If he is well meaning and searching for a job truly stresses him out (I know it would stress me out very much), here are some things to ask him (and yourself)

• Is he at least trying to harness or gain some skill to help with another job and/or career (there are classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. -- there's always something to do)
• I understand you have a decent job and a decent career prospect. Why can't he come live with you in France? there's obviously going to be a compromise, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't have much going on in the US. If he's so close to his buddies (something tells me he doesn't have many of them), he can always contact them online. Also, if you two (and it sounds like mainly you..) collectively make enough money, there's nothing stopping an eventual relocation to the US
• It's not healthy for a 20-something man to be living with his mother. He has a way out - he can live with you. Why doesn't he take this chance. Does this mean he doesn't trust you? If I were in his situation I would move there in a heartbeat, as it would give me increased moral support and give me motivation to build a career and learn a language abroad.

Not willing to learn the language because it's too difficult is a very poor excuse. There's no reason why he shouldn't have at least a basic (albeit broken) command of a language within a few years even from just casual conversation and immersion. It's in his own best interest to move to France with you.

Some of the red flags that have been raised here are the lack of interest in the K1 process (he wants to have kids and get married ASAP, but isn't interested in learning about the process in actually getting you into the US sounds like a combination of immaturity, laziness, and generally not being interested). Also the "it's different for a woman" with respect to illegal status in the US sounds rather sexist (and I'm not talking traditional gender roles, I'm talking downright sexist).

Finally, as others have mentioned, if he expects you to be a stay at home mom and satisfy the traditional female gender role, he should fulfill his own traditional male gender role and not sit at home all day and play video games.

[Boiler 43,494]

Not sure why he can not play video games equally as well in France.

[Gregory&Dyn 113]

What has life's experiences taught you about moving forward when in doubt?
For me, it has most often worked against me. On the flip side, when I exercise caution and move slowly without making hasty decisions, the situation usually works itself out.

My questions for you are (no need to answer - just ask yourself and meditate on the answers)

1. Why does your fiance' live with his mother?

2. What is his employment history like?

3. Why hasn't he found a job yet? If love was on the line, I would be working double shifts at a fast food restaurant.

Your story sounds all too familiar. I can only speak in generalities, but in our country, when a grown man lives with his mother, it is usually a sign that he lacks social skills, lacks occupational skills, he has mother-issues and is incapable of taking care of himself. Again, those are only generalities, but they often prove true never-the-less.

The bottom line is: you are in doubt for a reason, and you have been for a while. This isn't a new revelation for you. This is something you have been pondering and meditating on for some time. It sounds to me like you are looking for a good reason to stay in your home country.

[Rudy & Keren 7]

Hi,

I saw a lot of great VJ advise so far...

I think the thing you have to judge is whether your american fiance has grown enough as a man to qualify for this serious relationship.

I think you know the answer already but really like a lot of things about the guy and would love to see it work.

Sometimes both people are not ready for the same degree of commitment. Wishing it were different doesn't make it so unfortunately.

All people grow in many ways as they age, it is likely that from everything posted that your man has not had the personal growth to really enter into the type of serious relationship your seeking.

You could just continue your online relationship for a few more months and see if he truly will work things out on his end and then re apply for the visa.

I am 55 years old now and have lived on my own away from parents since 22 years old.

The first handful of years was a little hard for me and you know I had to develop some personal discipline & goals in life.

If you have some one that is not disciplined enough to go find profitable work without being told, they are not really ready for any serious relationship.

The point for me where I decided to get my act together or at least work hard on it was when i was 26 years old and my first wife was pregnant and I had to borrow money for the birthing expenses.

I was working most of the year but at a job that was "comfortable" more than it was profitable.

So on my own I realized "hey now I am in debt with an infant son, I need to get on the ball and expand my idea on being productive".

I decided I wanted to be in business for myself and started down that path.

It took me 7 years trying different activities until I found something I enjoyed and developed the discipline and drive with a passion that became and actual career.

Since 1993 I have run my own business.

Point is that people grow as fast as they want to grow.

But you should decide for yourself what qualifications you want to see in a man that you would marry much less have a child with.

Should you be seeking a man that has a track record of production in his field or career?

Should your man have more than just a work history but have actually set out and achieved something in his career so that he has a deep personal belief in his ability?

Should you be seeking a man that has a high degree of personal discipline?

Should you only consider a man with a high degree of ability to communicate-especially when times are challenging?

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man that would suggest you do something illegal?

It really comes down to your standards as to what quality of relationship you are willing to have.

If you do come to the US knowing that your fiance has some growing to do, it may or may not be a bit of a hard life and yelling at him will not help him "grow" faster.

The fastest way would be to support your man's efforts to grow which may or may not happen.

I know of a close someone that is 50 years old and living in a car because he never learned and hung out with people that were not growing but rather heading down.

Many people have to find themselves in life and get some successes to put the confidence there. It can just happen at different times for everyone, sometimes it may never happen.

If, and I am just saying "if" you decided to end the relationship with your fiance. That may or may not be the thing to make him realize he needs to start taking life seriously because he missed a big opportunity with you.

I really don't like to "tell" people what to do although it is quite tempting.

It is better you make the decision - right- or wrong and live and grow from it.

Just look at the factors in your decision so that if it is right or wrong you grow from it yourself.

Tomorrow I go with my wife and new daughter for our adjustment of status interview.

From what I have read, the USCIS officers have a certain amount of discretion in determining if the US citizen is earning "enough" income. I have read they want to see the last 6 months or so of income being earned.

So even if you came and used your money to fund the AOS fees and or to live on, the issue of no sustained income by the US citizen may end the journey at the AOS interview after your married.

If in doubt you may want to look into this further?

If you really do care for this man and want to be with him. Make sure you have a plan to succeed with him and not just crossed fingers is my suggestion.

Good Luck with which ever you decide.

Rudy USC

[Anh map 2,098]

Have you told this story to any of your close friends? Do any of them see any positives? Does anyone encourage you to go right away because he sounds like the type of guy they would want to have? What advice would you give to a friend that tells you this exact story about themself?

You cannot "fix" him. He MIGHT change a few behaviors to encourage you to support him and allow him to continue on his current pathetic path. Your traveling to the US would only prolong his childish behavior, and becoming parents dooms your child to this unhealthy lifestyle. This story screams stay away!!

It seems that this boy has found an enabler (you). If you can't cut the cord now, imagine how difficult it would be after he sucks your money dry and fills your world full of excuses as to why he "can't do..."

If you wouldn't date him in his current circumstances if he lived in France, why would you consider marrying him in the US. Falling in love is wonderful and fills us with great hopes and dreams. A healthy relationship nutures those dreams. You do not have a healthy relationship with this person.

The responsibility for your happiness rests with you. If you give someone else that power, you are to blame.

[Donboudha 12]

Avec l'amour vient toujours le sacrifice. You said that you have the visa already. How did he get support (I864)? I am sure that he is sincere and in this situation there are two choices: follow your heart or follow your instinct.

[Boiler 43,494]

Avec l'amour vient toujours le sacrifice. You said that you have the visa already. How did he get support (I864)? I am sure that he is sincere and in this situation there are two choices: follow your heart or follow your instinct.

I 134

[Unshakable Faith 493]

It could have- people handle stress differently. But stress can pop up at anytime. What if you have to go back home to take care of a family member down the road, will he start acting like this again? Even if the distance made him act like this, once you came to the end of the process he should have been excited and start making preparations. You have a decent life where you are. If i were in your shoes, I'd ensure I have money for my return ticket home. Take a 2 week holiday and see how he is in person. See how dedicated he is to finding a job.

I remember when I first came here at 17, my mom told me if I'm searching for a job i need to treat the search like a job. She woke me up at 7am every morning and i wasn't allowed back in the house till 6pm. She would give me money for lunch and a stack of resumes and i could go places and apply all day- i found a job in two days. If he's dedicated he will find something. The fact that he hasn't might mean he's not and his mom is enabling him. That's a recipe for disaster- I've been there and it doesn't end well.

Kudos to your mother! I wish more parent understood that coddling and enabling only produces dependent and unappreciative children.

To the the OP, I must ask- who paid for the petition? My heart truly goes out to you- please see this objectively (even though I know that's difficult). If he's saying these things to you, does he truly love you? It sounds as if he hasn't been made to be responsible... if he thinks it is stressful just playing video games, as others have said- what will he do when he is the one that is working and taking care of his whole family? I would tell him that you need to see some effort before you leave your whole entire life to come here.

My fiance leaves the house at 6am and comes home around 10pm just to be able to provide for himself because he knows what responsibility is. He is showing me that even when he gets here, I don't have to worry about whether or not he has good work ethic. I won't have to question if he's responsible or motivated. It sounds like your fiance doesn't have these qualities right now. I know that it is hard to leave someone you love, but you will never change anyone. They need to change for themselves. You need to make the best decision for yourself because it sounds like this guy has no idea what adult life demands.

[Elizabeth+Fred 35]

Not sure why he can not play video games equally as well in France.

They'd be in French, Boiler, and, as stated, he "cant do French, its too hard". Learning

it would take too much time out of sleeping and/or game-playing.... pay attention!

(sorry Ava, just could not resist, even though the topic is very, very sad)

Now that I'm replying anyway: leave the guy be, stay in France, and get on with life,

as you deserve a lot better than "this" !!

--Fred (de Pays-Bas)

[djbenitez 8]

Oh, Honey. I am so sorry you are in this situation. As mentioned above, the decision is yours. I work with families that have had their children removed due to abuse and neglect to help them get their lives together so that they can get their children back. Part of my job is challenging the dysfunctional thoughts/behavior of the person in hopes that they can recognize the behavior and make different choices.

I am very concerned with a few things you have written. If your fiance finds it "too stressful" looking for a job, it is not likely he is going to successfully handle stress/responsibility when he is responsible for a wife and a child. The stress for him is going to increase, not decrease. Secondly, you mentioned that his coping mechanism is escaping via video games and entertainment. This will also increase with increased stress. He does not seem to have the emotional maturity at this point to make different decisions. This will likely look like lots of "escaping" and emotional disengagement. Next, you have communicated how valuable this is to you, and the consequences of him not looking for a job are severe, yet it still has not motivated him. I see people make decisions to not correct behavior, even when it risks losing their children, every day. It's not on purpose. There is just not the capacity there to make mature, responsible decisions. Lastly, suggesting that you stay illegally is a major character concern. It puts you in danger. It puts your family and your future in danger. That is not a loving suggestion. That type of thought process will not be limited to your immigration status.

There are some major concerns here. Do you have people near you who love you and support you that could give you some feedback?

[Jawaree 717]

French is hard. I withdrew from French in College

the verbs are hard to master & I did not want a failing

grade. OP do not leave that job no matter how you are in

love, let him move to France & care for the baby after

you get marry...He seem incapable of taking care of you

[jas313 1]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just do not know how not to be. This guy is walking all over you like a doormat. Any sane person with any self respect would have laughed at this guy and told him to piss off. He won't change, I have met several of these types of people and they are useless. I have an aunt with an abusive husband. He put her in the hospital several times because he beat the hell out of her. She kept going back because he said "he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again and that he loved her." I would highly suggest seeing a counselor, sounds like you have some self esteem issues to work through. You don't deserve to be treated like you are by him. You are worth more than that.

[kates43 13]

Hi,

I am reading this thread as well as reading it out sitting here with my mother.

I'm about to move in a few weeks and she is sad to see me go, but said she would be terrified if I was in your situation.

As a loving mother, she asked me to tell you to look after yourself and stay in France !

My advice: the same. Everyone on here has read your words and are trying to look out for you. I don't think anyone has said anything inappropriate or to stop you from being happy.

France sounds like it will make you happy and safe. This man absolutely does not.

From personal experience I've dated a man who didn't care, never asked how I felt, never wanted anything except...you know and I'd eventually had enough and KNEW there had to be a better man out there.

Think about your future, if this is breaking your heart now, imagine feeling this way every single day for the rest of your life.

please look after yourself, dig deep down and make the best decision for yourself, but I really think either put it off u til he proves his commitment or move on and find a better, loving man who treats you the way you deserve.

Good luck !! <3

[Roy&Chanel 109]

Hey there,

Sorry that you are facing this issue right now. Like others, it is difficult for us to give you our decisions as suggestions because afterall, it is your life.

What we can do is to try to give you our thoughts and opinions and what we see as an outsider.

After reading your post, most of all, this isnt solely about the visa anymore, visa can be reapplied but marriage can't. Once you're in its forever your talking about. Of course we do not want to end up bad ways. You should try to give yourself time to think about whether if he is really the one and whether if you trust him enough that he will eventually get a job and push for it. If one really loves you, he would try all ways to get a job just to be with you and secure your life in future.

Moving to a new country and starting a life together as newly wed, you would need alot of money without any support. Getting a rented apartment, buying toiletries, internet monthly payment, food and groceries, some furnitures, etc. If he doesnt get a job anytime soon it will be hard for you. You must immediately apply permit to work once you have done your documentations.

Pros:

- You can motivate him more to get a job when you are there

- You both love each other

- You both tried this far for K1 visa

Cons:

- Insecurity (financially)

- Is he mature enough to take this big step in life? He is no longer responsible for one person's life but both

- You lose your current job or you can take annual/marriage leave

- Will he be able to get a job anytime soon if you're there?

- You might have to live your life with his mom for a long time

If you are unsure about this relationship and have already giving thoughts and posting here, I think you have some insecurities already. If I were you, I would delay the visa and reapply when he gets a job and at meantime visit him as a tourist to see how his life is or just move on and find someone new. Also my dear girl, do not let him use up all our 4k savings or depend on it! You must love yourself first and care for yourself first!

Edited July 21, 2015 by Roy&Chanel

[MUXAGIRL 69]

I am perhaps late to join this thread, but I think deep inside you know what's the right thing to do. That's why you have not used your K1 yet. If you do travel to the States, please make sure you can keep your job in France, so that you don't end up turning your entire life upside down if you do need to go back to France. Take care.