Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Shadowess 13]

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?

OMG PLEASE don't go to the US to see him. Please don't go. He is trying to pressure you into sex and getting pregnant, also known at sexual harassment and RAPE. You do not want to put yourself at risk. If he has the emotional instability you have hinted at, the anger issues and the manipulative skills it can put you in a very dangerous situation.

I think you have resolved that this relationship isn't healthy for you. You are a lovely woman, who is obviously smart, kind, motivated and compassionate.

Going to the USA will only put you in a situation where he can manipulate you, trap you and potentially rape you. Please stay safe and stay in France.

If you want to give him "one last chance" then tell him via email or skype: "I will not come to the US until you are gainfully employed for at least a month. If you decide that looking for a job is too stressful for you then me and my concerns obviously don't mean much to you. If you 'don't want to talk about it' then you are demonstrating your lack of care for me. I deserve someone who will treat me as a equal and valued person. This relationship is over."

Don't waste your hard earned money going to visit him, he is obviously not the man for you. You are worth more than his unmotivated, unemployed, uncaring, and abusive self. Please terminate the relationship and cut all ties with him. I'm scared for your safety around this boy.

Please stay safe.

[trublubu2 62]

he also sounds like he could be a pickup artist with the "negs" (negative things) and his notions about what women should do/be/are. google "pickup artists" or the "seduction community." here's a wikipedia article that talks some about it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seduction_community

when you said this about the interest in serial killers, i became extremely frightened for you, along with the other stuff about him asking you if he wants to punch you...

The latter came from his "technique" to make me fall for him, and then manipulating me. Also his lack of empathy, and sometimes instances when he showed no conscience. As well as his frequent angry outburst, and I realised he read a lot about serial killers, which still puzzles me.

When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this.

*jumping up and down screaming* OMG OMG OMG OMG!
Love To Teach HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD--please listen to her and don't go visit this man.

Dearest Ava---I have been a teacher for 41 years, and I have seen it all. I've also been in an abusive relationship. I am going to be brutal and talk to you like I would one of my former students. I still have contact with tons of them. This isn't judgment, this is seeing the truth as you have told it.

Ok, now what part of this entire relationship do you not understand?

1. He tells you marriage is only for having children. Don't you dare go there and get pregnant. You will be stuck for life in a ####### relationship with a non-existent father. AND you will be paying for all the expenses of raising a child, I believe it is close to half a million dollars in a lifetime (of course, that's if you are a good parent).

2. He asks if you want him to punch you...Honey, are you blind? He is telling you right there he is abusive. He has shown you numerous examples of how he is, but you keep asking if you can change him. The answer is HELL NO. His parents raised him and you see how THAT has turned out.

3. He doesn't work, won't work, and he has stated to you he doesn't want to work. And he has been a smart ### in his answers to you. What is hard to understand about that? Why should he work? His stupid mother has enabled him to be a dependent little mooch his entire life. You can bet the others living in that house area bunch of leeches also. How nice it would be to have a smart educated young lady like you to bring in his income and take care of them.

4. He has basically done nothing in this relationship. You have done all the work. Why is that? Because he is basically unable to be in a relationship AND he doesn't WANT to be in a real one. Who would want him honey? So he finds a sweet caring person, but suddenly that sweet person is going to be in his home. He must be wondering how he could possibly have enough energy to pretend to care about you when you get here. It's been all fun and games to him unless he has to give something of himself. Then he tells you basically that he doesn't care enough to do anything and expects you to live with that. Honey, what do you not understand about this? Believe a person when they are telling you how they are. Even his dad says he's not worth a damn. And, by the way, the paper the dad signed IS legally binding...Tell his dad that and see how much fun they have with that. Being an immigrant is very expensive and it's a long way to citizenship. It sounds like you have a wonderful life there in France. Don't give it up for a loser.

5. He plays games all day. OMG, that is a child that has no life nor responsibilities. I don't for a minute believe he has a college degree of any kind. Ask him for proof. What kind of family allows that behavior? The answer is: A family with no ambitions.

6. You say you love him. I understand that feeling. Been there, done that. But I can tell you this. When I was IN that relationship, I cried almost every single day, wondering why he acted like that. After a couple of years, I had had enough and got the hell out. OMG, you can't imagine regaining yourself. I have not cried since that day..and it's been almost 5 years. At least mine worked at a job, but he tried to shift blame for all issues on me. I had never been and never will be in a relationship like that again. And, yes he was from another country. He will beat you down until you think you are the problem. He's already doing that to you. At least mine waited til he was here...lol Yes, you are making excuses for his behavior just like I did. You are wondering why he won't change. Ok, here's the reason: HE'S AN ### AND DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE. He came to see you for a big old vacation and fun time. And even then, I'll bet you saw a few episodes of the future. PLEASE get out of that denial. He is what he is, and he's not going to change. HE HAS EVEN TOLD YOU HE HAS NO INTEREST IN WORKING, CHANGING, CARRYING HIS SHARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. AND ON AND ON...Listen to what he is telling you. It was fun for a while, but he's not going to make any effort. This is so sad.

7. You are a wonderful caring woman. You are a giver, and people like him love that. He gets what he wants with no effort. You are deluding yourself when you say you are going to "SEE" if he's really like that. Of course, he is. He has even told you he is. What more proof do you need? If you go there, I can predict your future. He will turn on some charm...I don't see him as capable of giving you much of his time or energy. After all, he has gaming to do. You will convince yourself you can change him. Even if he wanted to change, you would be living in hell AND with a huge group of do-nothings who sponge off the mom, who is not exactly a winner. BUT, Ava, he has told you in so many words he is not capable of love, doesn't want to work, and doesn't care. It's hard for giving people to realize that people can act like this, but it happens all the time. His family will put the screws to you because they need some more money coming in.

8. Why would you want to be in a relationship with him? Ok, sit down and make a list of all of his positives and all of his negatives. How do they stack up? Why do you stay in this relationship? What are you getting out of it? So far, you haven't told us anything positive about this "man." PLEASE listen to the people on this site. DO NOT GO THERE. Cut him off, and look for a real man. Don't beat yourself up because he is incapable of loving anyone. It doesn't matter if he's depressed or anything else. He has absolutely nothing to offer you. You will be out the $4,000 in no time. Save the money, keep your job, do not go there. You will be sorry. I can guarantee that. You are a caring wonderful woman. There are lots of wonderful men out there who would be so happy to have a woman like you. Don't throw your future away on this slug.

I have seen it on this site over and over again. A woman or a man is so "in love" (me included, although there were no signs of what was to come, amazingly) that they refuse to see the truth. And most of these don't have the evidence this man has already given you. He has all but put up a sign that says "Come if you want, but don't expect anything." I have a feeling he would be relieved if you did not come because then he would have to put in the effort to deal with you. Please don't take this to say that any of this is your fault. It's not. He latched on to someone that cared about him, entertained him in France, and has a great future. I doubt he ever thought it would get this far. Now he has to man up, and he is telling you over and over that he doesn't want to. Only disaster (to you) can come of this. Don't look back, run, immediately start chatting with nice people, and in a short while, you will wonder why you ever entertained a thought of being with him.

GOOD LUCK, AVA. You are a sweet woman with a generous heart. We love you, hon....

[kates43 13]

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?

This is exactly the situation I was in before with an ex and I would keep saying no and he would keep coming on to me and constantly making me feel bad and then saying the exact same thing : if you love me you should want this and he would threaten to break up with me and make me feel SO guilty and even get quite aggressive.

From experience, do not do it. Under any circumstance. Do not let him take advantage of you, because you do it, and guarantee he doesn't care it's with you, he will continue to not care about you, until he wants it again.

What you're describing of this man sounds so familiar and there is definitely something wrong. It concerns me SO much when you've mentioned about the punching and the remarks he makes. I've seen it in relationships and it honestly scares me to hear that from you.

I would not bother commenting if I didn't care or didn't know. I'm saying from experience.

If he says those things and you let him take advantage of you, you're going to be more hurt but more under his spell. If he's violent, call the police. And get yourself out of there ASAP!

His behaviour is classic, textbook. Everyone on here definitely has concerns for your safety and wellbeing and the person you're supposed to be marrying doesn't. What does that say?

We have more time in our crazy lives and schedules to try to help you, and he plays video games and is disrespectful. Strangers care more about you.

I'm seriously saying prayers for you. I really hope if you go over, get yourself a hotel room and be so wary of his behaviour. Be strong and do not take any #######.

You sound like such a sweet girl and absolutely do not deserve this. If you need to go back for closure, do so but please be safe and smart.

I wanna guess that his mom doesn't have any smart input. Cos if she did she would be telling him to get off his ### and support you.

I think if you feel comfortable enough, tell your mom everything. If you trust that she will have smart advice, but I think you'll know already what she will say.

The same thing as everyone else.

Can all of us be wrong and only him be right ?

Xx

[JamnSol 35]

Hello AvaAdore,

I understand the love. I understand not wanting to give up. But, this guy is selfish and immature. You keep making excuses for him- he has practically tried to dump you- "I don't have the energy to do so"??? Don't go for vacation, don't go to visit. Cut him off. When he can send you proof of several consecutive months of actual employment, then maybe resume communication with him. Also, I love my children, I support them through high school, and help them when I can in college, but once they decide to marry, they are on their own, I would not sponsor a foreign fiancé for my child, I don't think what his father has done is unreasonable- in fact, his father knows him better than you do, perhaps you should follow his lead...

As several previous posters have written- run, run, RUN!!!

[didopage 337]

Ava, he obviously doesn't love you... You deserve much better!

[Hairball 11]

Ava,

Something else to consider......You may be describing a substance abuser......Google may be your friend.

Leave this looser, he will only drag you down....And ask yourself, do you want to become like him?

[bloopygirl 20]

Hello, I can't help but agreeing with you, on a gut-instinct level. Do you think there is anything I could tell him to make him realise all this for good?

Thanks so much for your kind words

I don't think there is anything you can say to make someone mature when they are not ready. It sounds like he hasn't experienced very much of life yet, he has never been out on his own and is stuck at his parents' house... so perhaps he doesn't really know who he is yet, and what the role of a husband really is. The role of a husband, to most people, is to protect and provide for his wife and children. He doesn't want to protect you (by potentially allowing you to be there illegally, allowing his mother to say hurtful things about you) or provide for you (won't get a job, has nowhere suitable for you to live.) My parents always say, "you can't live on love." Money is important too.

It's really not that hard to get a job in North America, Canada's economy is worse than the U.S. right now and my last two full-time jobs I just walked in confidently and got a position the same day! And there are temporary work positions too, where you just fill out paperwork and they send you to a factory. There is honestly no excuse, except laziness. I'm so worried about you, going there and getting bullied into staying. And it is so strange that he is dismissive of your worries, when as your man he should be "your rock." What do your parents think about this whole situation?

There have been a lot of times in my life when I ignored my parents' advice, and they always turns out being right... lol

Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you, but I think that going there now would be a mistake... If you do go, please don't get bullied into marrying him! People don't usually change their personality in a few months. Good luck!!!

[Mike-eeh and Odie 192]

Hello and I can't describe how much you've helped me! Thank you so very much.

The relationship you have with your wife is the one I desperately one...companionship, reciprocity, communication and honesty. You both are incredibly lucky and you give me hope.

I think you may be able to evaluate this, due to your profession. My friend suspects that my fiance might have a personality disorder (Cluster B type), or that he might be depressed, possibly bi-polar. Or she suggests he may simply be a sociopath. The latter came from his "technique" to make me fall for him, and then manipulating me. Also his lack of empathy, and sometimes instances when he showed no conscience. As well as his frequent angry outburst, and I realised he read a lot about serial killers, which still puzzles me. How could I know where he is, without an assessment?

Moreover, I will do just what you said. It is for me the best way to get closure (if need be) and see his true colours.

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?

The more I read, the more I fear for your safety, Ava. As a professional, I cannot truly assess your fiance without a meeting to analyze him. However, from what I read from your recent comments, he sounds like a borderline sociopath. I would strongly suggest you do not meet this man. You are not a professional in psychology, you are a woman in love and your emotions can easily interfere with your better judgement, therefore you cannot assess him without bias.

You feel committed because you gave so much of your energy into the K-1 process. I am certain many couples on this site will tell you that many do not want to give up on their partners because so much time, tears and dedication was put into the process. You feel a bond with your fiance because you put so much into the relationship and the K-1 process. He does not reciprocate the same as you because he put virtually nothing into the equation. So it is natural for you to feel a strong sense of love and commitment. He knows this about you and uses it against you invoking feelings of both guilt and obligation so you stay with him. This is not a healthy relationship.

Relationships are based on communication, first and foremost. He refuses to communicate with you, worse still, refuses to initiate communication. He does this to manipulate you, whereby you communicate your thoughts and feelings, making yourself vulnerable, but he does not, keeping himself safe. This is where trust comes in...

Relationships need trust to flourish. His refusal to make himself vulnerable is a sure indication that he does not trust you or himself. You said yourself he lied, did not follow thorugh with his commitments, and even flirted with other women. Clearly he cannot be trusted to be a man of his word or faithful to you. He can apologize all he wants, but that is only to make you feel guilty. Even worse he sometimes places the reasons for his deceit on you. What a horrible thing to do!

Relationships involve sacrifice on both sides. Remember my shopping example? I hate shopping but I go with my wife because I simply enjoy being with her. I am sacrificing my enjoyment to make her happy, while enjoying the moment with her. Just to see her smile is enough to make a tedious task for me worth while. If you were to marry him, you would be sacrificing all you know to be in the USA. You would be sacrificing your comforts, your family, your friends, and your great job. He has not even appreciated what you would be giving up by at least finding a job and a place you could both live in private. He is selfish and cares not for your needs or ambitions, which brings me to my next point on relationships...

Relationships are based on love and support. You want to be able to work and drive and have all the rights and privileges afforded to a legal permanent resident of the USA. Sadly, you cannot do that without his having a decent job to make that possible. Instead, he has vehemently noted you should live as an illegal alien, he does not love you, and made it pretty clear his mother will always have a final say in your relationship. Personally, I am 44 years old and while I sometimes take my mother's advice on things, as mothers are seldom wrong, I would not let her dictate the course of mine and my wife's relationship. I am the man of my own house and I will always support and defend my wife's honor, even if my mother has something to say about her. I will always support her want to work, and I'm really trying to get her over her fear of driving so that she may experience freedom to do things without me like going out with her friends, staying late at work if she wants overtime, or even just to take a drive to relax.

Now about the intercourse matter. As I said before, DO NOT have intercourse with him. In fact, do not do anything that is intimate save for a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek as you would a friend or relative. Part of his personality he so wholeheartedly admitted is one of dominance and power. He feels he has "conquered" you mentally, so there is only one last frontier for him to conquer on you and that is your body. Do not give him that, not let him guilt you into giving him that. If he loves you he will wait until marriage. That said, do not be alone with him if you value your virtue. On a personal note, my wife never had intercourse before she met me, she prided her virginity and I understood how important it was for her to keep herself until marriage. Even when she came over on her K-1, I respected her wishes, even though we had wedding plans months later. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. He waited this long, he can wait till marriage. If he presses the issue, leave him, as he is only interested in "conquering" you. If he gets mad or passive aggressive, leave him. This will only get worse if you are married. Sex wont make your relationship better, even if he says it will. He may say he will cheat on you if you do not give him sex, if that is the case, leave him, as he will cheat on you regardless.

Now for some advice:

In light of your new comments about him, I truly believe your fiance is a sick and dangerous individual. He shows no emotional attachment to you. He sees you as an object to conquer. He has no concern for your dreams or ambitions. He wants to control you and dominate you and manipulate you into being with him. He takes your love and commitment for granted and will continue to do so by making false promises to change. He already admitted he does not love you and he conquered you. If you go to see him, you will only reinforce his dominant will over you, and things will get worse from there, as he already displays violent tendencies towards others. He even commented about hitting you, not a good sign.

That said, I would advise postponing your trip to see him for your safety's sake. My advice is do not try to extend the K-1, let it expire and have him refile. If you want to see his true colors, see if he will do all the paperwork and fees this time. If he feels you are worth his time, love and commitment, he will have no problems doing it, as he should be bending over backwards to be with you.

However, if you do not heed my advice, please do the following:

1. Get a hotel, but do not let him know where you are staying. This is for your safety.

2. Only meet him in public places like a mall or restaurant. Do not drive with him anywhere, take a cab. (see #3).

3. If you are to go to his house, rent a car or take a cab. This way you aren't trapped there if he refuses to drive you back to town or the airport.

4. DO NOT have intercourse with him. Of course, do not be alone with him, for obvious reasons.

5. Keep your round trip ticket open-ended so you can leave at any time. It may be a bit more expensive but worth it.

6. Give your family his name and address. If you are to meet him, phone family and friends before the meeting and call them when you are back at your hotel. Let them know where you are, or where you will be each meeting. Take pictures with him and send them to your family and friends.

7. Do not spend money on him. Let him pay for your "dates."

8. Do not let him manipulate you.

9. But most of all, do not let your love for him "spark," you need to be alert and rational. Treat him as an acquaintance, and not a fiance. Why? Because he hasn't proven to you that he is fiance worthy, he is less than an acquaintance at best, right now. Do not believe him if he says he loves you. Do not believe his "nice" charade. Do not believe his sweet and tender words until he has proven the following:

A. He has a job, or has been applying for a job every day.

B. He is securing an apartment or house other than his mother's for you both to live.

C. He can make sacrifices such as: 1. waiting to have intercourse with you, 2. giving up video games for a while, 3. spending his mommy's allowance money on you and your needs instead of his.

D. He initiates communication with you before you initiate it with him.

E. He tells his mother that id he gets a job, he wont be giving her rent as his money it will be going toward his future with you.

F. He tells his mother that you are his world, that you come first, and if she does not like it, she doesn't have to be a part of his life.

You need to understand that your life is important. This man is not worth your time or energy, and there are thousands of men out there who are good men, and would do there darnest to be with you. Once again, stay in France and stay safe. God be with you.

[AvaAdore 4]

The more I read, the more I fear for your safety, Ava. As a professional, I cannot truly assess your fiance without a meeting to analyze him. However, from what I read from your recent comments, he sounds like a borderline sociopath. I would strongly suggest you do not meet this man. You are not a professional in psychology, you are a woman in love and your emotions can easily interfere with your better judgement, therefore you cannot assess him without bias.

You feel committed because you gave so much of your energy into the K-1 process. I am certain many couples on this site will tell you that many do not want to give up on their partners because so much time, tears and dedication was put into the process. You feel a bond with your fiance because you put so much into the relationship and the K-1 process. He does not reciprocate the same as you because he put virtually nothing into the equation. So it is natural for you to feel a strong sense of love and commitment. He knows this about you and uses it against you invoking feelings of both guilt and obligation so you stay with him. This is not a healthy relationship.

Relationships are based on communication, first and foremost. He refuses to communicate with you, worse still, refuses to initiate communication. He does this to manipulate you, whereby you communicate your thoughts and feelings, making yourself vulnerable, but he does not, keeping himself safe. This is where trust comes in...

Relationships need trust to flourish. His refusal to make himself vulnerable is a sure indication that he does not trust you or himself. You said yourself he lied, did not follow thorugh with his commitments, and even flirted with other women. Clearly he cannot be trusted to be a man of his word or faithful to you. He can apologize all he wants, but that is only to make you feel guilty. Even worse he sometimes places the reasons for his deceit on you. What a horrible thing to do!

Relationships involve sacrifice on both sides. Remember my shopping example? I hate shopping but I go with my wife because I simply enjoy being with her. I am sacrificing my enjoyment to make her happy, while enjoying the moment with her. Just to see her smile is enough to make a tedious task for me worth while. If you were to marry him, you would be sacrificing all you know to be in the USA. You would be sacrificing your comforts, your family, your friends, and your great job. He has not even appreciated what you would be giving up by at least finding a job and a place you could both live in private. He is selfish and cares not for your needs or ambitions, which brings me to my next point on relationships...

Relationships are based on love and support. You want to be able to work and drive and have all the rights and privileges afforded to a legal permanent resident of the USA. Sadly, you cannot do that without his having a decent job to make that possible. Instead, he has vehemently noted you should live as an illegal alien, he does not love you, and made it pretty clear his mother will always have a final say in your relationship. Personally, I am 44 years old and while I sometimes take my mother's advice on things, as mothers are seldom wrong, I would not let her dictate the course of mine and my wife's relationship. I am the man of my own house and I will always support and defend my wife's honor, even if my mother has something to say about her. I will always support her want to work, and I'm really trying to get her over her fear of driving so that she may experience freedom to do things without me like going out with her friends, staying late at work if she wants overtime, or even just to take a drive to relax.

Now about the intercourse matter. As I said before, DO NOT have intercourse with him. In fact, do not do anything that is intimate save for a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek as you would a friend or relative. Part of his personality he so wholeheartedly admitted is one of dominance and power. He feels he has "conquered" you mentally, so there is only one last frontier for him to conquer on you and that is your body. Do not give him that, not let him guilt you into giving him that. If he loves you he will wait until marriage. That said, do not be alone with him if you value your virtue. On a personal note, my wife never had intercourse before she met me, she prided her virginity and I understood how important it was for her to keep herself until marriage. Even when she came over on her K-1, I respected her wishes, even though we had wedding plans months later. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. He waited this long, he can wait till marriage. If he presses the issue, leave him, as he is only interested in "conquering" you. If he gets mad or passive aggressive, leave him. This will only get worse if you are married. Sex wont make your relationship better, even if he says it will. He may say he will cheat on you if you do not give him sex, if that is the case, leave him, as he will cheat on you regardless.

Now for some advice:

In light of your new comments about him, I truly believe your fiance is a sick and dangerous individual. He shows no emotional attachment to you. He sees you as an object to conquer. He has no concern for your dreams or ambitions. He wants to control you and dominate you and manipulate you into being with him. He takes your love and commitment for granted and will continue to do so by making false promises to change. He already admitted he does not love you and he conquered you. If you go to see him, you will only reinforce his dominant will over you, and things will get worse from there, as he already displays violent tendencies towards others. He even commented about hitting you, not a good sign.

That said, I would advise postponing your trip to see him for your safety's sake. My advice is do not try to extend the K-1, let it expire and have him refile. If you want to see his true colors, see if he will do all the paperwork and fees this time. If he feels you are worth his time, love and commitment, he will have no problems doing it, as he should be bending over backwards to be with you.

However, if you do not heed my advice, please do the following:

1. Get a hotel, but do not let him know where you are staying. This is for your safety.

2. Only meet him in public places like a mall or restaurant. Do not drive with him anywhere, take a cab. (see #3).

3. If you are to go to his house, rent a car or take a cab. This way you aren't trapped there if he refuses to drive you back to town or the airport.

4. DO NOT have intercourse with him. Of course, do not be alone with him, for obvious reasons.

5. Keep your round trip ticket open-ended so you can leave at any time. It may be a bit more expensive but worth it.

6. Give your family his name and address. If you are to meet him, phone family and friends before the meeting and call them when you are back at your hotel. Let them know where you are, or where you will be each meeting. Take pictures with him and send them to your family and friends.

7. Do not spend money on him. Let him pay for your "dates."

8. Do not let him manipulate you.

9. But most of all, do not let your love for him "spark," you need to be alert and rational. Treat him as an acquaintance, and not a fiance. Why? Because he hasn't proven to you that he is fiance worthy, he is less than an acquaintance at best, right now. Do not believe him if he says he loves you. Do not believe his "nice" charade. Do not believe his sweet and tender words until he has proven the following:

A. He has a job, or has been applying for a job every day.

B. He is securing an apartment or house other than his mother's for you both to live.

C. He can make sacrifices such as: 1. waiting to have intercourse with you, 2. giving up video games for a while, 3. spending his mommy's allowance money on you and your needs instead of his.

D. He initiates communication with you before you initiate it with him.

E. He tells his mother that id he gets a job, he wont be giving her rent as his money it will be going toward his future with you.

F. He tells his mother that you are his world, that you come first, and if she does not like it, she doesn't have to be a part of his life.

You need to understand that your life is important. This man is not worth your time or energy, and there are thousands of men out there who are good men, and would do there darnest to be with you. Once again, stay in France and stay safe. God be with you.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Your steps to follow are now my survival guide when considering visiting to see first hand.

The relationship you have with your wife sounds amazing, and I will remember that you cared for her so much that you waited. If he doesn't wait, I will leave.

Everything you've said resonates with me...the obvious abuse, the lack of communication, and the manipulation.

Today there is a news that makes it even more daunting to choose what to do, because it corrects the employment issue: he emailed me earlier to tell me he's just gotten a job offer that he accepted on the spot. This derives from the only interview he has had, which was 3 weeks ago (I strongly encouraged him to apply then and I suppose he got lucky and must have done well to have an offer from only one interview). Assuming this is correct, how should I approach a possible visit with my K1 now?

Many blessings your way. You're a star.

Edited July 22, 2015 by AvaAdore

[Pennycat 880]

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Your steps to follow are now my survival guide when considering visiting to see first hand.

The relationship you have with your wife sounds amazing, and I will remember that you cared for her so much that you waited. If he doesn't wait, I will leave.

Everything you've said resonates with me...the obvious abuse, the lack of communication, and the manipulation.

Today there is a news that makes it even more daunting to choose what to do, because it corrects the employment issue: he emailed me earlier to tell me he's just gotten a job offer that he accepted on the spot. This derives from the only interview he has had, which was 3 weeks ago (I strongly encouraged him to apply then and I suppose he got lucky and must have done well to have an offer from only one interview). Assuming this is correct, how should I approach a possible visit with my K1 now?

Many blessings your way. You're a star.

Do you want to marry someone who addressed your concerns with "yeah, you already told me" and ignores you to play videogames, and is perfectly fine with telling you to just live a marginal life as an illegal immigrant, who is fine with having you quit your job, uproot your life all for him and won't even consider doing the same for you because it's "hard"? Is that seriously the type of marriage and life you want? Someone who has zero respect for you?

Remember, all of this is a preview of every day for the rest of your life with this person. You have spent 3 days and countless hours pouring your heart out to complete strangers over the stuff this man is putting you through, crying your eyes out from sadness and frustration and have had 99% of people here tell you to move on, that this is a bad and maybe dangerous situation--and you're not even together yet. It only gets harder, not easier, with marriage and children. These problems will get bigger, and worse, with more serious consequences and with him in more and more control over your fate.

His unemployment is a *symptom* of a significantly greater problem. I would not get within 100 miles of this person if I were you.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Your steps to follow are now my survival guide when considering visiting to see first hand.

The relationship you have with your wife sounds amazing, and I will remember that you cared for her so much that you waited. If he doesn't wait, I will leave.

Everything you've said resonates with me...the obvious abuse, the lack of communication, and the manipulation.

Today there is a news that makes it even more daunting to choose what to do, because it corrects the employment issue: he emailed me earlier to tell me he's just gotten a job offer that he accepted on the spot. This derives from the only interview he has had, which was 3 weeks ago (I strongly encouraged him to apply then and I suppose he got lucky and must have done well to have an offer from only one interview). Assuming this is correct, how should I approach a possible visit with my K1 now?

Many blessings your way. You're a star.

What if he loses that job or hates it and quits? Do you want to be back here? And the job wasn't the only issue in the relationship. So one issue averted (for now), but what about all the others?

[ginnyirishrose 16]

You're 20 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you there are so many many many better people out there for you I wish I was you at 40 telling you not to do it

[cdneh 3,112]

What if he loses that job or hates it and quits? Do you want to be back here? And the job wasn't the only issue in the relationship. So one issue averted (for now), but what about all the others?

What if it is just words? What if he's only telling you that to keep you quiet, and off his back?

[usmsbow 796]

Dude, you know what you should do. You just don't want to do it. The only reason you're keeping this thread going is in hope that ONE person will say give him a chance. Eh yeah, good luck with that....

What if it is just words? What if he's only telling you that to keep you quiet, and off his back?

LOL, yep. Reminds me of lying to my parents growing up about my homework. Yeah, of course I finished it! HA!

[Ash.1101 1,755]

I don't believe that you'll find anyone that believes that you should give him a chance. We all know how hard this process is, and we've seen people in STABLE happy relationships end up becoming homesick after 2 weeks and no amount of love from their spouse was enough to keep them in a place they hated.

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE that you would not want your future children to marry If you had a daughter and she told you about her boyfriend and said all of the words you're saying to us, would you want her to be with him? Would you want her to feel that pain you're feeling?

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE because you believe they may change after you marry them. MOST people who are pretty cruddy before marriage become even cruddier. All they have to say in their defense is "Well you married me and you know I was like this!" and then put the blame on you.

MARRY THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE -NOW- at THIS current moment in time. If they are not someone that you would want to marry NOW, do NOT marry them.

Remember, BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP can change a person for the better, MARRIAGE usually does not. If just being in a relationship and going through this process didn't make him step up, he will NOT step it up when you get married.

Some people may believe that it's easy to change a life style, but if this is how he's lived his life, how he treats those he "loves" and the world around him, he will not change. He would have to have something incredible happen to him to make him realize that he would need to change and marrying into that would only give him justification to stay the same.

If you marry him the way he is now, you accept that, that is him and that is the person you want to marry and that everything that upsets you about him and hurts your soul and heart is okay with you. Your vows will say for better or for worse and it CAN get worse than what you're dealing with right now. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR, do not believe that you can change him, DO NOT THINK THAT ANY OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, He is who is he is, and he was like this all his life regardless of what "life stories" he may tell you. If you marry him, you marry -him-. You are not marrying what you want him to be, you are marrying him and every ill he can bring you.

You have a chance to break this vicious cycle in your life but YOU have to make it, he never will.

Edited July 22, 2015 by Ash.1101