My wife hates everything here.

[Simeon 25]

OP, my Chinese wife has not yet come to the US or even visited, but I've spent almost a full year's worth of time in China over the years we have been in a relationship and now married. This is my 2 cents on what I've learned from my 7 year relationship with my Chinese wife. TL;DR: Your wife and you need to learn how to compromise and respect each other's cultures.

In a multicultural relationship, the very first thing we had to do as a couple was to make the realization that although we are both human beings, we have different cultures and values. I am an American Born Chinese (ABC), and so the culture gap was not as wide, but I still do things in an American way (OMG, soap is not poison!!).

The second step was to accept the differences and concede the small stuff. When I get sick, I'd rather take an ibuprofen than the crapshoot known as kanlangen, which my wife swears by. That's fine, you take your medicine, and I'll take mine. Your mom wants to live with us in our house when you're pregnant? Sorry, not going to happen, but I can compromise by renting her a modest condo or room nearby. Does it cost more cash? Yes, but it shows that I respect her culture (filial piety) while at the same time respecting mine (independence).

Finally, the third step was to integrate each other's cultures as much as possible. I am not great at it, but I'm learning Chinese. In fact, I'm typing this out here in Shanghai on a business trip speaking (bad) Chinese everyday to my coworkers. It's uncomfortable and tiring speaking a foreign language, but you know what? My wife does it with me everyday, and it isn't much easier, especially after she moves to the US.

OP, to put it frankly, your wife came to the US without the intent to integrate into American culture. I can see it from her actions and her life compartmentalization. She wants a Chinese life in the States. There will need to be those compromises between both of you (e.g. the mother-in-law living in an apartment you paid for) and those times where you just look the other way (e.g. me finding kanlangen for my wife when she's sick in the States). But in order to successfully acculturate to the US, your wife also needs to integrate into American society by find a job or hobby that helps her rub shoulders with Americans, and in time, she will come to understand and respect your American ways of living (in America!). She needs to be the one who chooses this path or the ticket home.

[JBones 7]

I arrived 8 months ago and been married for 7. Just last night I found myself crying, triggered by something I was watching on TV with my husband, missing my officemates, and by extension, my old life in Manila. It's not always like this but I would have to accept the fact that the homesickness will come, in waves. My husband has been very supportive though and does not "scold" me when I'm feeling this way.

Give her time. It's a great adjustment for us who have had to experience being uprooted from our place of birth. It can sometimes feel like grieving --- for the kind of life you once lived, for the language you cannot speak anymore 24/7, for family and friends you have left.

Even if America is 100x better in terms of convenience, beauty, infrastructure and all else, no matter how ugly people think our home countries are, we, immigrants, will still miss wherever we came from.

Hang in there. If you have a bucket of patience, try to get nine more. Your wife's way of coping with changes might be with complaining but hopefully, it will pass. Don't give up. You've gone through a lot with the K1 process. She has exchanged countries to be with you, permanently. Love her, and love her some more.

Edited June 3, 2014 by JBones

[Messybrownhair 251]

Honestly I think she's had plenty of time to adjust. I don't think she wants to. America isn't going to adjust for her, she needs to do it. If she has her AP, let her go home with a chance to come back.. Tell her its up to her, but if she wants to come back she needs to make an effort to try and assimilate. Like an ultimatum. "This is me, this is my life. If you can't love me and accept what I have to offer you then maybe this isn't for the best." I think you've done all you can. Just my two cents. Wish you all the best!

Edited June 3, 2014 by Messybrownhair

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

Dieseltu, I feel sorry for you. It would be interesting to hear other side, but considering that you wrote it seems to me like your wife is treating you very unfair and you're trying to put up with it. Sometimes you just need to stand up for yourself. Like somebody mentioned before, "Sweetie, you don't like the way I'm doing bla-bla-bla (washing dishes, cleaning...)? Do it yourself then any way you want, I've survived doing it this way for 30 years, so it works for me" - that's my position. Are you starting to yell at me? Fine, I will leave room/house and will not come back until you will calm down. You can not get state ID with glamour photo? Sorry, that's how it works, not a big deal, but if you want to complain, you can talk to DMV, because I can't change it.

Does it sound a little harsh? May be, but otherwise you will feel miserable all the time and it's not your fault. IMHO, marriage is a union of two adults, it's give and take, but your wife is acting like rebellious teenager with softhearted Dad and a active taker, it's not fair. She is trying to change you a lot, and that's not good. Like we joke in Russia, "when woman marrying man, she has a hope he will change. when man marrying a woman, he has a hope she will not change. and they both have wrong expectations." I think, when you're marrying someone, you should accept this person who he/she is. If you want and need to correct him/her in everyday life including lifetime habits like eating, cleaning, etc. - it's a very bad idea and often causing relationship fail.

When I came to the US, there also were plenty of things I didn't like. Barely existing public transportation, small talks, corn syrup in everything, apt. buildings and houses made of "wood and cardboard" and many, many other things around. But I never ever thought about bitching at my wife about it, because it's not her fault, she didn't make this country as a Legoland from scratch, and she is not responsible for these things. From your posts it seems like your wife is releasing her anger and disappointment with outside things at you personally and it's bad attitude.

Again, I definitely expected my wife to help me with adjustment here because many things are very different, but I'm not a child she adopted, so I didn't expect her to take me everywhere like a toddler and guide through every little step day to day. It takes some time to adjust, but biggest part of adjustment is willing to adjust and working on it by whoever is adjusting. You can not adjust someone from "outside" if this person is refusing to do anything about it.

Putting myself on your place, I would let her go home, because I wouldn't be able to swallow such emotional abuse from my wife. Before we even engaged I warned her that I never could and never will put up with a partner who will make scandals out of nothing, yell at me or will at me for no reason, she assured me she doesn't do such things and, lucky me, she does not.

If you love her so much that you simply can't stand letting her go and she wants a divorse and ticket to China, I don't know what to advise... you're very strong person if you handle such bad treating so good.

- Victor from Russia

Ha..I thought that was just a Russian thing.

It's not a Russian thing at all. Dishsoap is used in Russia by almost everybody, so if somebody from Russia thinks that dishsoap is bad for you, it's just a personal thing, nothing about being Russian.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I couldn;t agree more - she is having internal conflict with how she feels about things and isn't expressing it well

I would just like to try to shed a light on the "I hate" bit. What she is hating is the loss of everything she knows; and that includes her independence. She is just choosing the wrong words to express it.

To the OP - my husband was so frustrated with me...but don't give up. If you regard it as she is complaining to you to vent rather than to find a solution you may feel differently. Men tend to want to find the solution but that may not be what she needs. She may just need to vent 100 million times in order to feel better - she needs understandign and love. You may also want to contact someone whom she respects and use them as an intermediary in a sit down discussion where you discuss what is going on and how she's feel and then also how you are unsure how to help her. Leave judgement at the door.

Good luck

Such a great post

OP, my Chinese wife has not yet come to the US or even visited, but I've spent almost a full year's worth of time in China over the years we have been in a relationship and now married. This is my 2 cents on what I've learned from my 7 year relationship with my Chinese wife. TL;DR: Your wife and you need to learn how to compromise and respect each other's cultures.

In a multicultural relationship, the very first thing we had to do as a couple was to make the realization that although we are both human beings, we have different cultures and values. I am an American Born Chinese (ABC), and so the culture gap was not as wide, but I still do things in an American way (OMG, soap is not poison!!).

The second step was to accept the differences and concede the small stuff. When I get sick, I'd rather take an ibuprofen than the crapshoot known as kanlangen, which my wife swears by. That's fine, you take your medicine, and I'll take mine. Your mom wants to live with us in our house when you're pregnant? Sorry, not going to happen, but I can compromise by renting her a modest condo or room nearby. Does it cost more cash? Yes, but it shows that I respect her culture (filial piety) while at the same time respecting mine (independence).

Finally, the third step was to integrate each other's cultures as much as possible. I am not great at it, but I'm learning Chinese. In fact, I'm typing this out here in Shanghai on a business trip speaking (bad) Chinese everyday to my coworkers. It's uncomfortable and tiring speaking a foreign language, but you know what? My wife does it with me everyday, and it isn't much easier, especially after she moves to the US.

OP, to put it frankly, your wife came to the US without the intent to integrate into American culture. I can see it from her actions and her life compartmentalization. She wants a Chinese life in the States. There will need to be those compromises between both of you (e.g. the mother-in-law living in an apartment you paid for) and those times where you just look the other way (e.g. me finding kanlangen for my wife when she's sick in the States). But in order to successfully acculturate to the US, your wife also needs to integrate into American society by find a job or hobby that helps her rub shoulders with Americans, and in time, she will come to understand and respect your American ways of living (in America!). She needs to be the one who chooses this path or the ticket home.

[Kiwinyc 62]

I have to agree with Simeon, she sounds like it hasn't occurred to her to try living the 'American' way, but that she just wants to live a chinese life in the US.

Remember also that all her moaning and complaints are not necessarily things she wants you to fix - she wants you to validate her feelings, so that she feels heard. If she feels that her complaints are justified and listened to, you might make inroads into helping her deal with the differences and more amenable to change. Its a childish and attention-seeking way of asking for help but she doesn't know any other way to express it - with patience and understanding you can help her learn to change the way she communicates so that its not so hurtful.

Edited June 3, 2014 by Kiwinyc

[Snag 57]

Your wife sounds like mine the first year of our marriage. The US was #######. Things were much better in Kazakhstan.

For me, the US is still #######. I've lived here 18 months. But let me tell you, in the first six months of our marriage, I was very vocal about it. I came from an English speaking country, too. I let my husband know this wasn't right, this wasn't that, this tastes so different from the way they make it back home. And you know, it really does wear a guy out. But my husband pulled up strength no one knew he had, and endured, and I'm so glad he did. It was actually my mother, who I was talking to on the phone, that called me out on it. "Does your husband know you talk about his nation this way?" Slap! I still like things the Australian way. I still like my Vegemite on toast and I still speak my Aussie slang around the house. But I've learned not to criticise or bicker constantly for my husband's sake.

We've learned to compromise. When talking to strangers, I'll try to speak American. When it's him, I'll pop out my most hideous slang. I'll cook Australian food. And I've learned not to put down his country and people and nation. I have too much respect for him for that anymore. Marriage can be a compromise.

Husband gave me time, his love, patience, and did everything that he could to make adjustment easier. It paid off. (Heck, I'm now pregnant).

Have you Thought about moving to China?

How important is the relationship to you?

Following the above paragraph, indeed to this. My husband was getting so worn down by my whining, he said, "Would you like me to move to Australia? I would for you." and that was quite enough - the fact that he was willing. The fact that I knew that if things got too much over here, there was an out, with him. He'd be willing to move for me if I just couldn't handle it. It was a great sanity booster.

Until then, talk to her.

Agreed. This sounds like a communication issue. Nearly everything is. Talk to her, OP. Do it sweetly, kindly, and softly, but be firm. Get inside her mind and emotions, and just talk. Unless she's bat crazy, there probably is a civil side to her that can carry an intelligent, calm conversation.

Remember also that all her moaning and complaints are not necessarily things she wants you to fix - she wants you to validate her feelings, so that she feels heard. If she feels that her complaints are justified and listened to, you might make inroads into helping her deal with the differences and more amenable to change. Its a childish and attention-seeking way of asking for help but she doesn't know any other way to express it - with patience and understanding you can help her learn to change the way she communicates so that its not so hurtful.

^ Also this.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

OP, my Chinese wife has not yet come to the US or even visited, but I've spent almost a full year's worth of time in China over the years we have been in a relationship and now married. This is my 2 cents on what I've learned from my 7 year relationship with my Chinese wife. TL;DR: Your wife and you need to learn how to compromise and respect each other's cultures....

Top marks for your post, one of the best I've seen on VJ recently and a lot of people on here not just the OP could learn from it

For me, the US is still #######. I've lived here 18 months. But let me tell you, in the first six months of our marriage, I was very vocal about it. I came from an English speaking country, too. I let my husband know this wasn't right, this wasn't that, this tastes so different from the way they make it back home. And you know, it really does wear a guy out. But my husband pulled up strength no one knew he had, and endured, and I'm so glad he did. It was actually my mother, who I was talking to on the phone, that called me out on it. "Does your husband know you talk about his nation this way?" Slap! I still like things the Australian way. I still like my Vegemite on toast and I still speak my Aussie slang around the house. But I've learned not to criticise or bicker constantly for my husband's sake.

We've learned to compromise. When talking to strangers, I'll try to speak American. When it's him, I'll pop out my most hideous slang. I'll cook Australian food. And I've learned not to put down his country and people and nation. I have too much respect for him for that anymore. Marriage can be a compromise.

Husband gave me time, his love, patience, and did everything that he could to make adjustment easier. It paid off. (Heck, I'm now pregnant).

Another great post, I see myself in your comments and I need to moan less about the US or my wife will send me back herself

[twofors 30]

Except our air and water. Other then that. She regularily complains that she wants a divorce and wants to go back to China. I'm about to oblige her.... She is not adjusting well. And from reading on here. Our life is pretty decent. She really doesn't have to do anything , Anything she wants I get her. Were holding our own, the neighborhoods nice, quiet, works ok. sex, ok. we just got her combo travel, work card. Even have a Chinatown here. I like her cooking. I love her , really. She don't like anything.

All comments are welcome.

So sorry to hear that there is so much unhappiness. I manage a large building on the East coast with a total cross section of society. Young, old, families with children, gay, straight, Asian, African-American, Caucasion, Hispanic, etc. We have people from countries all around the world that have lived here. So much of what happens to the people that come to the USA depends on their involvement with the community. Many come for study in higher education programs or are here for research in the science and medical fields. We have a world renowed music school as well as some of the most highly respected medical schools in the world. I know that the happiest of residents are the ones that develope friendship with colleages or other residents within this buidling. Perhaps she could find others in your community with similiar interests such as photograpy or cooking. Online resources could help her find groups to join if she really doesn't want to work. I am originally from a very small town in the Midwest and even there my sister has found faith based groups that encourage interaction in a multi-faith forum to help resolve community related problems such as the homeless or aid for the elderly. Just a suggestion.

[LBeachey 44]

As far as going back to China, I would wait for the GC and then buy her a return ticket with an open return date, she might need a reality check. If she comes back she wont conplain any more (at least not as much).

I would agree with this, my wife has adjusted well to the US. She has been here going on three years. Just recently, she is starting to admit some things in the US are better. While China will always be her home, she is starting to see China as I (and many Americans) see it (I lived there for two years).

Let her go back and see if the Grass is still Greener so to speak, if she chooses not to come back then it wasn't meant to be.

[verysadguy 170]

I could live in Sierra Leone, Congo, Afghanistan if the love of my life is with me.Sorry, but this drama that she hates everything here, I just can't stand. There are hundreds of flights every week to China. I would buy her one way ticket to China.

I agree, if you love you figure a way to prosper not complain on the steppes of Peru or the hinterlands of Mongolia.

My ex hated our hometown when she was with me. Apparently taking care of a newborn was not enough for her. Now she has no child and she has a new man and miraculously loves her life now. So, I would suspect there are other reasons your wife hates her life. If she is really bored, then get a hobby. There is also plenty of charity work that can be done, too.

[jsjs 10]

Sounds like a spoiled brat for a 45 year old. Sorry about that. I'm not able to do much at the moment either but I don't tell my husband I hate his houses and all the stuff she does. IF she truly loved you, she would be trying harder to adapt. She chose to marry you and to live with you. She can't make the US into CHINA. I can't believe she even threatened you with a divorce! Marriage should not be taken so likely that a person can just threaten the other with a divorce because things are not going their way. Sounds incredibly immature to me. You may be better off just letting her go.

Im 50, She is 45

I commented about the housing but I wasn't allowed to post it.

[Operator 1,925]

She is not patient. She wants everything fast. And I have to do everything. Contribute I can understand. But she isn't getting work without driving. And she fought me for a month to get a state ID because she wanted to use her own studio pictures. Her mastered skills are cooking. And she takes excellent photographs. Which she posts on a QQ blog. But I'm not doing projects with, or teaching a complainer. And she likes chatting on the computer with hundreds of Chinese women. But she gets really mad if I'm on the pc. Her English is pretty decent. She can have a conversation, And she taught Chinglish in China. She is making comparisons . And her expectations were unreasonable. I noticed it in China but thought she would adjust. For the most part she is not unreasonable. But she had some serious flawed ideas about America.

Her complaints seem to revolve around She don't like my job. Because I work shifts. She don't like my houses. Because they aren't Chinese concrete boxes with open sewers, with no maintenance.

And she is a clean freak. She says my health is bad. So I'm susposed to eat donkey skin shipped from China. And she said two times since she has been here . I broke her heart.

Her daily routine when I'm working is to stay home. She wont go for a walk, which she likes a lot. She cant drive and she doesn't want too.

When I'm here , its grocery shopping. Visiting parks. eating together.

She has plenty of friends. We have traveled around visiting, and have had her friends here.

All she has to say is I want to go visit, and its done.

I'm glad my wife doesn't post here anymore and if she decides to check in I will add a preemptive "Sorry honey".

If I had $10 for every time my wife packed her suitcase and told me to drive her to the airport during our first 18 months of marriage I could buy her a round trip business class ticket to Shanghai. I've have even dropped her off there just to drive away and come back 5 minutes later.

Cleanliness is a huge issue in China that's why she is so particular about you being clean in your home, it takes time to change a lifetime of habits, like a lifetime. I knew my wife for sometime before we got married but when we moved in together (in the US) I thought she was a bit nuts.

The text I highlighted above makes me wonder how much you want her to adjust. My understanding is that my wife will never think like an American and I will never think like a Chinese. What we have tried to do is understand the others perspective and to respect their views as we respect the person. For instance, if I take a shower before bed my wife asks that I don't walk to the bed barefoot because it makes her uncomfortable. I understand why she feels this way because I've spent time in China and in some cases it's very difficult to keep indoor floors very clean. At first I took this as she thought our floors were dirty but that's not really the case; it's what makes her comfortable and it is of very little effort for me.

I try to avoid stereotypes but I have found through my research that there are common traits among Chinese women. She is going to worry about your health, not sure how that is a bad thing, maybe you don't want to eat the donkey skin. Ask her if maybe there is something that will have a similar benefit to your health that isn't so different to you. She is not going to be patient, my wife likes deeds not words. She is going to expect a lot from her husband, 'Face' is very important, as my wife became more aware of how I compared to my colleagues and contemporaries she realized I was a pretty good guy but it took time because she was dealing with different cultural norms.

My wife doesn't drive and she works, I drive her everyday. It's all about making compromise, my wife compromised to live in this country with me and I compromise on everything else. Next year we will move back to China and it will be my turn.

I wish you luck, you have both put a lot of effort in to your relationship so far and it would seem a waste to give up easily.

[Snag 57]

Sounds like a spoiled brat for a 45 year old. Sorry about that. I'm not able to do much at the moment either but I don't tell my husband I hate his houses and all the stuff she does. IF she truly loved you, she would be trying harder to adapt. She chose to marry you and to live with you. She can't make the US into CHINA. I can't believe she even threatened you with a divorce! Marriage should not be taken so likely that a person can just threaten the other with a divorce because things are not going their way. Sounds incredibly immature to me. You may be better off just letting her go.

Cool your horses a bit, buddy. Homesickness, at its worst, makes you say and do some really loopy, strange things. I never threatened my husband with divorce, but I did toy if this had been a big mistake and if he would've been happier without me. "If she truly loved you, she would be trying to adapt" - It doesn't work like that. I loved my husband. I was trying really hard. But that didn't stop my mouth getting me in trouble with some dumb things said. We immigrants, particularly if we haven't spent years in the US before, really don't know what to expect.

I'm afraid I couldn't wash my hands as quickly as you of my spouse, no matter how difficult. Yeah, yeah - divorce rates are 50/50 now. I still think that's incredibly sad. Maybe I'm old-fashioned. Marriage does not have to be a temporal thing. If I were the OP, I'd do everything I could to get my spouse to settle, even if it did mean going back to their home country for a visit.

[QueenOfBlades 224]

She needs to make an effort. I moved here last December, and I've had a lot of issues since doing so. I got really homesick around February, then South Carolina became a disaster area and part of my new home was destroyed by a tree as a result of the ice storm. This is mere months after trying to adjust to my new home and country, and we've had to live in two other places since and we're still not back in the house yet. My husband is autistic and can't work or drive, so we've been in the house most of the time and everything that happened has given me an anxiety disorder and I'm on medicine for it now. Before that, there were times I'd lay awake till 8am ranting about how England was better and I want to go back to England and I wish we'd moved there instead and EVERYTHING in England was better, and when he tried to say what was better for us in the US, I wouldn't listen. (I had a job there and we had transport and were independent).

Point being, I love my husband and the important thing is that we're together. I still suffer homesickness, but I am determined to make the best of the US and for us to have a nice life here and there are things I do like here and would miss. We are both very committed to making the US work for us. Another thing, I would never, EVER dream in a million years of asking my husband for a divorce. I love him to death and couldn't bear to part from him. We have our challenges and our struggles, and I've had one of the biggest unexpected challenges of moving to the US with my new house being wrecked, but we'll get through whatever happens together and we will make a good life for us. We'll stay together no matter where we are. Asking for a divorce that easily would make me question her commitment to you.