My wife hates everything here.

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Except our air and water. Other then that. She regularily complains that she wants a divorce and wants to go back to China. I'm about to oblige her.... She is not adjusting well. And from reading on here. Our life is pretty decent. She really doesn't have to do anything , Anything she wants I get her. Were holding our own, the neighborhoods nice, quiet, works ok. sex, ok. we just got her combo travel, work card. Even have a Chinatown here. I like her cooking. I love her , really. She don't like anything.

All comments are welcome.

Adjusting takes time, and there is no 'average' or reference time. Some do quick so don't.

My wife is from Poland and the first few months were hard. She never drove in her life and still does not today.

She said she would walk to the shopping area about 2-3 miles. It took one time of the "balmy" Summer we have around in Texas for her to realize that walking like that was not an option, at least not until Winter. So she adjusted, I take her to the shopping area and then wait for her call to pick her up. Other times she goes with neighbors that are nice. She took it upon herself to made a nice garden (front and back), and it's never quite finished; it is always changing something. She likes to cook and cooks every day. SHe also plans ahead and prepares the Xmas tree, lights, the whole shebang...It's like a Dickens novel in here by December. We travel at least twice a year, out of the country. She likes to walk the dogs, 3-4 times a day.

Her picture of the US was just what she had seen in TV; now here, she sees the good the bad and the ugly. Some things still are quite annoying, like not having prices with VAT/taxes included.

It was not all roses, we had our differences of opinion, much less now. The main complaint was "X is this other way in Poland", my answer was "this is not Poland or Europe" followed by "X is done this other way in Poland" with me saying, "perhaps but here is done this way, so you need to decide if you want/need it enough to get with the flow or not getting it". I have traveled a lot and lived in Europe and out of the US for decades, so most of what I have in the house or typically I do is really more European like, and that seems to have helped a lot. She never traveled out of POland, except to East Germany before the reunification and Czech republic. In the past 2 1/2 years since she first came, we've been in 15 countries, several of those in South/Central America and Western Europe, North Africa; that has given her a lot of perspective. WIthin the US, we've been in 6-7 states, several large cities (inclusive some with large Polish presence). All that has given perspective. First Summer she said she had been in 'hot' places. I said, 'this is Texas'..By May she was already saying it's hot...I said, 'it's not hot, hot is in July/August'. In June she couldn't believe how "hot" it could get, I kept saying "hot is in July/August, and this year is actually not that hot". By September she finally came to grips to a TX Summer. Following Summer she was ready.

Today, she is about 75% adjusted, the next 25% will probably take another 5 years. She still gets lost when someone with a more pronounced TX twang talks, but getting better, she goes shopping on her own. She runs away of asking questions, especially if I'm around, so I pretend to go to the other side of the store for something, and then she has to ask a staff for what she needs. Getting better. But nothing different than dropping you in the middle of say Paris and leave you to fend for yourself.

Some of what you say is worrisome, I think you guys need to have a talk to level set expectations Giving carte blanche to anything wanted is not a good idea. It took some time to understand the difference between a want and a need, regardless of the sticker price. Some things are just no-brainers, for example, dental work when a tooth broke, ended up beeing about 2k with other complications that came up, she didn't understand initially that I didn't even think of it, had to be done. In Poland, she had waited sometimes for 2-3 months.

Hope this helps.

[Texasav8r 183]

Here's my last 15 minutes. I just washed the dinner dishes and got bitched out. I Cleaned the crockpot. I'm not allowed to use dish soap , because its poison. She don't like the way I wash dishes, clean the floor, wash clothes, what Tupperware I use, anything. I'm literally not joking . She wanted to know what I was putting in the food. She came out on the porch to tell me a Tupperware was cracked and I shouldn't of used it. To put the food away. But a few weeks ago I said to trash it and she said no. I was told I'm lazy, dirty and messy. I stepped in a spot of water and will dirty the whole house. I cant figure out how she uses the sink. Half the dishes in each side and if they get mixed she washes them and boils some silverware. The housing thing is about her apartment in China. There's no maintenance , painting, walls or wood, or anything because there's no yards to cut, or wood, or heat, or trees, or underground pipes for water and heat, Or snow to tear things up. So no maintenance. So she don't like the housing here. The weather. Or that we have to drive everywhere. But she liked the indoor heat and hot showers all winter!!

And we are in the city. On a very nice street. But she hates it. But she just figured out that leaving the cities in the States is better. Verses staying in the city centers in China. I don't complain about anything Chinese. I married a Chinese woman. And I like her the way she is. But its not working for her.

Ha..I thought that was just a Russian thing.

Time is key here I think. Like someone mentioned earlier, it takes a long time to adjust. On another forum, several couples mentioned 2 - 3 years in fact. If your love is strong, you can make it work.Be gentle yet firm. Just because she doesn't like the way you do things does not mean you are wrong. Let her know that it is ok to do things the way you do them in this country. Water is cleaner, soaps are approved by strict government oversight, etc. Explain it in terms she will understand and make it understood that it is ok. Compromise on some things of course.

Now, I may take some heat for this next one but it is based on cultural experience with Russia and may be true in China as well...I dunno. Russian women, in general, like a man to be decisive and in control...they do not like weakness. I am not suggesting you be some redneck and treat her like dirt and be mean...NOT AT ALL. Just be a reasonable man who is familiar with his surroundings, his culture and his life and happily introduce her to it....as a team. Respect goes both ways and it sounds like she has little to no respect for you my friend.

Give it time and be patient...and stand on your own two feet too. She may actually appreciate more than you think.

[Dave&Roza 748]

Your wife sounds like mine the first year of our marriage. The US was #######. Things were much better in Kazakhstan. I did not clean the gutters correctly and it almost ended our marriage. She placed her wedding ring on the entrance to the bedroom and was telling me she wanted to go home. I looked on-line and the price of an airline ticket was the same for tomorrow or three weeks from today. I went upstairs and we had a very long heart-to-heart talk where I told her that we had different ideas of how things should be done. That I wanted her in my life because it was better with her than without her. I then asked her if she wanted to stay in the US or leave. She said she would stay for now. I then informed her that I am this close (holding my fingers out and putting them about 1 cm apart) to buying her an airline ticket and sending her home. The next visit to Kazakhstan was 8 months away. During that visit I heard how dirty the city of Almaty was and how terrible the traffic was. Now things are going well, but there are still times when life in the US is not so great, but at least she realizes that life in Almaty is also not so great and it is the person we are with that makes either place tolerable. I hope your wife can come to that realization before throwing away your marriage. You, her, my wife, and myself are not spring chickens and finding that special someone is very hard. She may want to think about that and you may want to bring that up.

I wish you the best and hope it works out for you. All I can say is give it time, but you may have to stand-up for yourself and risk the relationship.

Dave

[Ryan H 3,791]

~~~14 posts that did not address the OP have been split off into a separate thread linked below. When posting in this thread, please address the OP's situation in your replies.~~~

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/499172-greeting-each-other-split-topic/

[Dieseltu 19]

Most everyone says to wait. But she don't want to. Every 3 or 4 days . It's I want a divorce and I want to go back to China. She has her travel card. I'd like her to go visit. But she don't want to hear it. If we divorce its surely over.

[raven52 233]

This is very interesting reading. My wife came here April 2013, and after our marriage 6-22 13, we filed her EAD/AP .,.all AOS.,.,in about 80 days she had her EAD and could work. I knew she needed to drive, so I "patiently" taught her to drive, she got her learner's permist to rive, good for 6 months. She said she wanted to work, so knowing her field of work, and she had a 4 yr. in Business ADM.,.,.,college of the Visayas, it was not long until she ha a great job with a great company, and great business, and I even have eye and dental care on her insurance for about 7.00 every two weeks.

I did everything in my power to let her know what to expect coming to the USA.,..,.,timelines.,.,,.job prospects, culture.,.,.,.and all I could. I will never forget when she was leaving the airport, and she asked me, "Hon, where is the street lights, and public transportation, as we drove ddown I-26. I almost had to laugh.,.,.,but explained the best I could.

My point is I just think that filipino women are more "Americanized" than some other Asian women. We could not have a better marriage.,.,she works.,.,and is happy.,.then comes home at night and works more on the house.,.,.,as we try to equal out the chores,..,.we some how make a great team.

I will just offer my opinion, as living in a 4-5 room house with a nice bathroom, clean water, and air, would be very nice coming from what I can see she by reading the posts, what she came from. She has no idea how lucky she is. If she would learn to drive, you would see a great ddifference, as she "would gain some independence".,..,.,and I am sure it would help. I honestly, from what I read, do not think she is open minded to trying to change to the new culture.

You can lea a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink!

[flora01 37]

Except our air and water. Other then that. She regularily complains that she wants a divorce and wants to go back to China. I'm about to oblige her.... She is not adjusting well. And from reading on here. Our life is pretty decent. She really doesn't have to do anything , Anything she wants I get her. Were holding our own, the neighborhoods nice, quiet, works ok. sex, ok. we just got her combo travel, work card. Even have a Chinatown here. I like her cooking. I love her , really. She don't like anything.

All comments are welcome.

If she wants divorce and go back,then where is the problem,let her do that.You can't hold somebody forcefully into relationship.,its a two way process.

By the way i think you must have been very patient man ,who has been going through this for last 1 year.

One year is pretty long time for somebody to adjust here,only if he/she is seriously willing to.

[Al422 221]

Have you considered a relationship counselor? This is a pshchologist who specializes in this sort of thing. We are not talking cheap. Probably looking at a $1500 retainer, but considering what is on the line, worth it.

[Aaron and Marina 24]

I hate to say it, but although there's an element of adjustment...some more, some less...there's also quite a bigger element of understanding what you're doing and following through with a decision prior to doing it. The decision, in this particular case, to get married to someone in another country, leave your native and start a new life! Coupled with the fact the amount of work and reasoning that goes into this, a LONG time before...I'm pretty sure there is time to think and prepare for the transition and change. Your wife has a responsibility to take responsibility for her decision...and not only maintain the relationship and marriage, but move it forward.

You're a bigger man than me if you've put up with that kind of abuse and misery for this long, and continue too. And that's what it is my man...abuse. If it was me, she would have been on a plane long ago. I know it could be easier said that done, but I assure you it would have happened once I determined it was the correct move.

What you're doing now is taking responsibility for the entire relationship...trying to figure out how to help her...how to change her mind...how to make her happy. Do your part, which you have been doing and more.

There's ALWAYS a time to think, reason, fix, put in effort, etc. Elimination is not always the answer...very seldom. In this case though, I'll be blunt again: Cut your time and money losses and send her back. Unless there's something else going on your not aware and/or talking about, this will go on and on. You're in the helping and enabling stage and have been...and it probably won't get any better. What you're also doing is inadvertently teaching her she can say and do whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. Even if she becomes happier, she knows she's free to treat your like garbage at will...and she will.

She sounds like she has some pretty serious emotional problems too in general too...big change or not...that's a little wild and not even close to reasonable.

Send her back.

[Abby&Mario 100]

krikt yes I lived before in dangerous places and lost places with him, such as Yakutsk,East of Siberia (winter there is 40 minus), Ethiopia and Ciudad del Lest.

And how many of those moves were meant to be permanent, you knowing that you would never, ever go home to live again? I think that makes a big difference. It's a different mindset.

To the original poster, let me tell you something as someone who has lived in three countries other than the U.S.: it sounds like she's not even trying. She has been with you for just about a year, so I think it's time to have a come-to-Jesus chat with her and say something like, "Look, I'm doing everything I can, but I need your help. This won't work if we don't work on things together. It won't work if you don't try. If you aren't willing to try, we need to end this." Maybe if she sees that you are considering divorce as well, she'll make some effort.

Something that other people haven't commented on yet is that she is 45 years old. Moving to a new country at 25 is one thing, but 45? I imagine that's a whole new level of difficulty, particularly since it's an East to West transition. I think either she's just having a really, really hard time and is acting out (rather immaturely IMO, but I am not familiar with Chinese culture), or she honestly and truly wants to go back to China. If that's the case, cut your losses and let her go.

[malenliam 18]

After reading all the shared stories ..I considered myself lucky. Me and My husband met in Kuwait. My USC husband worked in US government in Kuwait and I worked ad a Nurse there

When I finished my contract I went back in the philippines and my husband came to visit me and we got married in mycountry. He's still working in Kuwait so I moved back to kuwait but this time not yo work but to be his wife. At first its like "cook your own food" but after three months I learned how to cook his food thru google. We never had problem. I just stayed at home cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing. .yes im just like a maid for him...but im happy doing that for him. Maybe because I really love my husband. I dont have any complaint to my husband..he's so nice and sweet. And he appreciate everything I am doing for him.seriously we never had problem..but unfortunately he got layed off so he moved back to US and I moved back to the Philippines. .now were just waiting for my visa to be together again. .. its love how we can accept everything..its the person who is with us who makes the place beautiful.

[Ortolan 381]

OP I'm so sorry you and your wife are having to go through this. Yes, I agree it's time for a heart-to-heart quiet talk with no yelling, and maybe a counselor if you both decide you want that. But life is too short to be feeling terribly unhappy and sick all the time; maybe try to give each other a 3-month 'let's try to make it work' trial, if you both agree, and if it's still not working then maybe the best thing is to help her go back to China.

[2ndMessiah 184]

Have you Thought about moving to China?

How important is the relationship to you?

Some people never adjust......

I moved to the US in my early 40s and it was a struggle for a several years. I didn't think I was set in my ways until my "ways" were challenged. Immigration is maybe a younger persons thing.

[DJ&L 83]

Most everyone says to wait. But she don't want to. Every 3 or 4 days . It's I want a divorce and I want to go back to China. She has her travel card. I'd like her to go visit. But she don't want to hear it. If we divorce its surely over.

I feel your pain, Dieseltu. You're whole story sounds exactly like what I'm dealing with....thought I was reading about myself. My wife is also Chinese and we're about the same age as you guys. She's doing all the things your wife is doing...all of them.

Having to convince your wife to stay once a week...on top of all the complaining...gets old in a hurry.

If you're interested in talking in DM's...let me know.

[kehills 217]

The things you mention, OP - the boiling water, the careful segregation of dirty/clean, concerns about leaching from plastics, etc - all sound like things that can be common in some areas of China. (Concerns about unclean water and needing to boil it, ditto for sanitation, concerns about unknown chemicals, etc.) It sounds like your wife isn't at all familiar with US standards, water requirements, food safety, etc. These sound like fears based on how she grew up, possibly extending into phobias.

If you were afraid that you were going to get a possibly deadly stomach virus every time non-boiled water touched your silverware, wouldn't you be upset/miserable/want to go back someplace where everyone understood that you had to boil the water to stay safe?

It sounds like you guys might need a relationship counselor, but it also sounds like she might need help learning about the various ways the US government does protect the safety of the people who live within it's borders. If you guys are in a larger city, there may be counselors or immigration specialists who help address the specific concerns of people who are immigrating from extremely different cultures, and would be well worth looking into if you want to try to save the marriage.

Until then, talk to her. Ask her to explain, ask her how you can help her feel safer. Because most of what you've taken the time to highlight appear to link back to basic safety concerns, and it sounds like she's been living with heightened fear for a long time, and that does a number on someone.