Divorce

[Adisa 3]

thank you all for your response. for me i do not believe in the culture shock. i work, but i try to save money for myself and to send a little money home. my wife complains about that and she say things like "you cannot live anywhere for free" but this is her place and she was doing all these things before i came here. she say that i am not a help to her even though i wash dishes and take out the trash. i feel like she only finds things to make issues. she promissed me that she would not be like the americans i read about before coming. she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills, but i feel like she wants to oppress me and i want to live my life. i really feel like she is not willing to give love a chance and only wants to make problems for my life.

will i need a lawyer to represent me in the divorce? i read that i can only remove conditions without her if she was abusive to me. is that true?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

thank you all for your response. for me i do not believe in the culture shock. i work, but i try to save money for myself and to send a little money home. my wife complains about that and she say things like "you cannot live anywhere for free" but this is her place and she was doing all these things before i came here. she say that i am not a help to her even though i wash dishes and take out the trash. i feel like she only finds things to make issues. she promissed me that she would not be like the americans i read about before coming. she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills, but i feel like she wants to oppress me and i want to live my life. i really feel like she is not willing to give love a chance and only wants to make problems for my life.

will i need a lawyer to represent me in the divorce? i read that i can only remove conditions without her if she was abusive to me. is that true?

Are you saying that you don't help pay for your housing and the household bills?

Is she working? If she is, then you should help clean the house, it is only fair. A woman shouldn't have to do twice the work of a man.

So the problem is that she wants you to be an active participant in the relationship and contribute financially?

Or am I missing something here?

[Rob & Monika 87]

Sounds like you guys are married...but not committed. For instance "Her place", "save money for myself", separate finances, "my life".

[The Mean Lady 604]

Are you saying that you don't help pay for your housing and the household bills?

Is she working? If she is, then you should help clean the house, it is only fair. A woman shouldn't have to do twice the work of a man.

So the problem is that she wants you to be an active participant in the relationship and contribute financially?

Or am I missing something here?

Sounds like it to me.

Contributing to household income is a normal thing if you have a job.

Regardless of if your wife payed for her apt/home on her own prior to your marriage, it's more than okay for her to expect you'd start footing some of the bills. Maybe that's not your style, in which case, sorry to be blunt but you sound like a freeloader: taking the trash out isn't contributing.

If that's how you want things to be, then you're not compatible and best of luck to you finding a sugar mama.

No, abuse has nothing to do with removing conditions. You are fine to do that on your own but you will/might have to prove that you entered the marriage in good faith.

Sounds like you guys are married...but not committed. For instance "Her place", "save money for myself", separate finances, "my life".

Edited November 16, 2012 by KDubovik

[Adisa 3]

yes she works. every now and then she gets upset with me and tells me what all she has done for me. i do not make as much money as she does, but i know one day God will raise me up to help her as much as she help me.

[Rob & Monika 87]

Is she working? If she is, then you should help clean the house, it is only fair. A woman shouldn't have to do twice the work of a man.

The workload should be divided evenly, yes. But if one person expects a cleaner house than the other, they need to do the cleaning themselves, otherwise they will just complain about the poor job the other does. I wouldn't expect my wife to fix the car, snowblow, mow the lawn, repairs to the house, etc...those chores always seem to end up on the mans plate but not counted towards the total "shared chores".

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Sometimes the key to a happy marriage is a good budget. With Joseph and I we make very different amounts of money. So we take the common bills ( gas, electric, cell phones and such ) and split them by percentage of income. Then the money left over for each of us is ours. We have separate accounts and I don't see, don't care about that money. It can go to the church, his family, or new clothes. It is his. He is the same way about my money. I was lucky that I was involved with Nigerians for years before I met Joseph so I knew a little about the culture.

Americans for the most part divorce a lot. It doesn't carry the social shame that it does in places like Nigeria. Maybe you should try giving each other space. Opening doors for a woman was part of standard polite behavior when I grew up along with a lot of other lost skill such as giving seats to woman/elderly on transports. However sometimes things don't work out they way they would in an ideal world. You have to learn what really counts and what is not really important and just let go of those things that aren't really important, otherwise you are old before your time.

If she is set in getting a divorce there isn't a lot you can do. You have to show that the marriage was in good faith to remove conditions without her. No need for VAWA and trying to prove it when there was none is bad ( some people try to stage VAWA events because they believe it means a green card not a good practice )

[The Mean Lady 604]

Sometimes the key to a happy marriage is a good budget. With Joseph and I we make very different amounts of money. So we take the common bills ( gas, electric, cell phones and such ) and split them by percentage of income. Then the money left over for each of us is ours. We have separate accounts and I don't see, don't care about that money. It can go to the church, his family, or new clothes. It is his. He is the same way about my money. I was lucky that I was involved with Nigerians for years before I met Joseph so I knew a little about the culture.

Americans for the most part divorce a lot. It doesn't carry the social shame that it does in places like Nigeria. Maybe you should try giving each other space. Opening doors for a woman was part of standard polite behavior when I grew up along with a lot of other lost skill such as giving seats to woman/elderly on transports. However sometimes things don't work out they way they would in an ideal world. You have to learn what really counts and what is not really important and just let go of those things that aren't really important, otherwise you are old before your time.

If she is set in getting a divorce there isn't a lot you can do. You have to show that the marriage was in good faith to remove conditions without her. No need for VAWA and trying to prove it when there was none is bad ( some people try to stage VAWA events because they believe it means a green card not a good practice )

Pretty much the same here. Whereas I bring in over 2k a month, my husband brings in only about 200.

He's responsible for paying the hydro and the renter's insurance which accounts for about 100 of that.

Then he gets to spend the rest on what he wants. Though I still cringe when he won't help with groceries and then he'll complain he's hungry

Edited November 16, 2012 by KDubovik

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Pretty much the same here. Whereas I bring in over 2k a month, my husband brings in only about 200.

He's responsible for paying the hydro and the renter's insurance which accounts for about 100 of that.

Then he gets to spend the rest on what he wants. Though I still cringe when he won't help with groceries and then he'll complain he's hungry

My answer when he fusses is "You have your money if you want more " I also use my money to buy treat I like that he doesn't.

[The Mean Lady 604]

My answer when he fusses is "You have your money if you want more " I also use my money to buy treat I like that he doesn't.

I think the part that bugs me the most is that I DONT spend anything on myself.

A treat for myself consists of a bag of sunflower seeds or a box of sour patch kids from the dollar store lol.

My husband is living a cushy lifestyle but I only have myself to blame. I'm a total enabler.

[Sirdaniel42 86]

Simply put, marriages can almost always be saved if the husband is willing to do what the wife wants.

[Teddy B 17,251]

I got a good chuckle out of that one too. I'd be willing to gather that any marriage could be saved if the wife did what the husband wanted too.

[rlogan 2,036]

Fighting over cultural differences means people don't know who they married. It's almost like saying you married someone without realizing they were a different race, religion, or maybe even the same sex as you.

He's disagreed about this being cultural. But people are way too eager to jump in with this excuse, belittling cultural differences as if it is something we should "get over" after marrying instead of before. We have to understand this about them before we decide to marry them.

Edited November 16, 2012 by rlogan

[Cathi 5,610]

If you really love her like you say you do, you will find out why she is so unhappy and go to great lengths to try and reverse it. Simply put, marriages can almost always be saved if the husband is willing to do what the wife wants.

Probably there were some misunderstandings and miscommunications maybe due to cultural differences. Find out what you misunderstood and what messages you completely missed altogether. It wouldn't hurt to talk to her best friends to ask their advice, and follow it.

In case you do ultimately divorce, you'll probably be alright on your own. Be grateful your English is good. You can get a job. It could be worse. You could get kicked out with no family, no friends, and no English.

Seriously? So what the husband wants or needs doesn't matter? What century are you living in?

[himher 634]

Your family was probably doing fine before you got here too.

Give love a chance? What makes you think you can put yourself and your family back home first and your marriage and household second and pull that off? She expects you to be a MAN and ended up with a dependent and selfish boy-child.

No wonder she wants to trade your a$$ in.

thank you all for your response. for me i do not believe in the culture shock. i work, but i try to save money for myself and to send a little money home. my wife complains about that and she say things like "you cannot live anywhere for free" but this is her place and she was doing all these things before i came here. she say that i am not a help to her even though i wash dishes and take out the trash. i feel like she only finds things to make issues. she promissed me that she would not be like the americans i read about before coming. she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills, but i feel like she wants to oppress me and i want to live my life. i really feel like she is not willing to give love a chance and only wants to make problems for my life.

will i need a lawyer to represent me in the divorce? i read that i can only remove conditions without her if she was abusive to me. is that true?