Divorce

[VanessaTony 3,567]

The workload should be divided evenly, yes. But if one person expects a cleaner house than the other, they need to do the cleaning themselves, otherwise they will just complain about the poor job the other does. I wouldn't expect my wife to fix the car, snowblow, mow the lawn, repairs to the house, etc...those chores always seem to end up on the mans plate but not counted towards the total "shared chores".

Everything you listed as "man chores" except the car repairs, my husband and I share. I like being "handy".

[Operator 1,925]

she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills, but i feel like she wants to oppress me and i want to live my life. i really feel like she is not willing to give love a chance and only wants to make problems for my life.

Sounds like she expects a lot from you. Holding the door and going grocery shopping with her...cleaning the house...paying bills!?! Thats just nuts.

I think you should give her a divorce and go live your life away from her oppression!

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Sounds like she expects a lot from you. Holding the door and going grocery shopping with her...cleaning the house...paying bills!?! Thats just nuts.

I think you should give her a divorce and go live your life away from her oppression!

:rofl:

Sounds awful and horrible, doesn't it?

[Darnell 8,478]

i read that i can only remove conditions without her if she was abusive to me. is that true?

No. Study the ROC form, find the tickbox.

[Rob & Monika 87]

Your family was probably doing fine before you got here too.

Give love a chance? What makes you think you can put yourself and your family back home first and your marriage and household second and pull that off? She expects you to be a MAN and ended up with a dependent and selfish boy-child.

No wonder she wants to trade your a$$ in.

Wow, I don't think dropping the blame squarely on his shoulders is right.

He's from a masculine culture and she's from a feminist culture. There is clearly a struggle between who will wear the pants in the family. That little comment about him not holding the door for her...those complaints tend to come from women who want to be in control but still live in a world of chivalry...not to mention it has "i'm trying to change my husband" written all over it. From his point of view, he's in charge, and helping out his family is his choice. She can voice her opinion about it, but in the end, it's his choice and no different than giving money to UNICEF or the local food bank.

[Rob & Monika 87]

Everything you listed as "man chores" except the car repairs, my husband and I share. I like being "handy".

Sounds like you are an awesome wife

I just vent from a previous relationship..lol, outside chores were mine, inside chores were either mine or shared...and only the finances were hers...expectations were very high and I've had the "you don't hold the door for me anymore" complaint before...It's like "wow did you overlook the dishes, laundry, getting kids up and ready for school, the man chores, etc etc". I guess everyone see's this situation differently from their own experiences. Sometimes you just can never live up to the other persons expectations and they will leave.

Edited November 16, 2012 by Rob & Monika

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Wow, I don't think dropping the blame squarely on his shoulders is right.

He's from a masculine culture and she's from a feminist culture. There is clearly a struggle between who will wear the pants in the family. That little comment about him not holding the door for her...those complaints tend to come from women who want to be in control but still live in a world of chivalry...not to mention it has "i'm trying to change my husband" written all over it. From his point of view, he's in charge, and helping out his family is his choice. She can voice her opinion about it, but in the end, it's his choice and no different than giving money to UNICEF or the local food bank.

He's not in charge if he isn't even paying for housing. That isn't how a traditional man in charge relationship works. I can tell you that, because despite living in maybe the most feminist country on Earth, we have a traditional relationship. He pays for the housing and utilities and I stay home and clean, cook, and take care of the little one. He also gets to make the decisions.

It is his choice to give his money back to his family, but then it is his wife's right to treat him like a non-financially contributing member of the household, i.e. like a housewife. If he doesn't like it, he needs to learn to contribute financially or with stay at home husband duties. You can't just have a partner pay all your expenses and you give nothing in return. It doesn't work that way.

[The Mean Lady 604]

Wow, I don't think dropping the blame squarely on his shoulders is right.

He's from a masculine culture and she's from a feminist culture. There is clearly a struggle between who will wear the pants in the family. That little comment about him not holding the door for her...those complaints tend to come from women who want to be in control but still live in a world of chivalry...not to mention it has "i'm trying to change my husband" written all over it. From his point of view, he's in charge, and helping out his family is his choice. She can voice her opinion about it, but in the end, it's his choice and no different than giving money to UNICEF or the local food bank.

This was my thought too, but the money thing is what doesn't make sense to me.

Is it normal in Nigeria for men to require the women to have their own full time job and support a husband?

My assumption (while it may very well be wrong) was that the man was the head of house and main provider.

The other things, like door holding and grocery shopping, are trivial things, but holding hands, that to me seems like something someone would WANT to do? Maybe it's an "in public" kind of thing.

My husband used to always go grocery shopping with me and over the last year and decided it's no longer his "thing" While disappointing, I'm not going to divorce him over it.

I'm sort of thinking out loud but wanting to learn more about the culture lol

[Rob & Monika 87]

He's not in charge if he isn't even paying for housing. That isn't how a traditional man in charge relationship works. I can tell you that, because despite living in maybe the most feminist country on Earth, we have a traditional relationship. He pays for the housing and utilities and I stay home and clean, cook, and take care of the little one. He also gets to make the decisions.

It is his choice to give his money back to his family, but then it is his wife's right to treat him like a non-financially contributing member of the household, i.e. like a housewife. If he doesn't like it, he needs to learn to contribute financially or with stay at home husband duties. You can't just have a partner pay all your expenses and you give nothing in return. It doesn't work that way.

I hear you, but I don't expect them to make that transition quickly after 4 months. I don't know what the long term plans were, they didn't seem to get to the shared assets stage. I was just saying it wasn't entirely his fault as that post had claimed. My grandmother left my grandfather for spending all his money at the bar, and she was right to do so. I guess it depends on how much money goes overseas, and how much he contributes. If he sends most of his pay overseas, then I'd say he's using her. Maybe that is how she feels. If he really wants to save the marriage, I think getting to that shared assets stage would help.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Sounds like you are an awesome wife

I just vent from a previous relationship..lol, outside chores were mine, inside chores were either mine or shared...and only the finances were hers...expectations were very high and I've had the "you don't hold the door for me anymore" complaint before...It's like "wow did you overlook the dishes, laundry, getting kids up and ready for school, the man chores, etc etc". I guess everyone see's this situation differently from their own experiences. Sometimes you just can never live up to the other persons expectations and they will leave.

My ex was horrid. I worked, he got money from his parents (international student). He finished university 6 months before starting his graduate medical program and sat at home all day playing on the computer.

Our agreement was I do the dishes, he cooks. Well I'm sorry but that does not include the dishes from you sitting around all day! he would never take out the trash "I didn't go that way", or collect the mail from the mailbox "I didn't go that way". He didn't want to help pay for gas for me schlepping over to the grocery store because "he didn't come". Never mind it was OUR groceries.

My husband doesn't do the dishes unless he's bored. He can't cook (I don't want to die or live on mac&cheese). I take out the trash on a Friday morning because he leaves REALLY early in the morning. I get the mail when I walk the dogs (have to actually go to the post office). Difference between this and my ex is he at least appreciates it. It's all about attitude.

Sounds like this OP has issues helping out financially or doing "women work"... even though in the womens vs. men mindset typically it means the man is the hunter-gather and the woman the homemaker.. this guy wants her to do both and let him live his life.

thank you all for your response. for me i do not believe in the culture shock. i work, but i try to save money for myself It should be money for you AND your wife and to send a little money home Before helping out with bills?. my wife complains about that and she say things like "you cannot live anywhere for free" but this is her place and she was doing all these things before i came here Yes and now YOU live with her. You increase the water bill, the electricity and gas (if you have it). You are her PARTNER, not a child. she say that i am not a help to her even though i wash dishes and take out the trash That's not financially. You're saving money for YOURSELF and sending money "home" but you're not paying towards household bills. i feel like she only finds things to make issues. she promissed me that she would not be like the americans i read about before coming And what's that? Expecting the man to actually man up?. she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills, but i feel like she wants to oppress me and i want to live my lifeSo live your life. You're stopping her from living HER life with your selfish monetary ways. i really feel like she is not willing to give love a chance and only wants to make problems for my life. This isn't love. You want her to be your mother/maid. Not your partner. If she is making problems for YOUR life, leave.

will i need a lawyer to represent me in the divorce? Depends on whether it's a simple or difficult divorce i read that i can only remove conditions without her if she was abusive to me. is that true? No

Responses in red above.

As others have said, you're using her financially. It doesn't matter that she makes more than you, you should be helping her with the bills. "Your" savings are actually her savings as well, so be prepared to give her half when you divorce. She's been supporting you like you were a child. As she said, you can't live somewhere for free and you're trying to do so. You're using her for a roof over your head and someone to pay the bills. Good luck surviving on what you make without her carrying you.

My husbands pays ALL the household bills, I pay for the groceries, and of course gas my truck (and for parts if it needs it). We discuss the split of bills regularly (I do it to make sure he doesn't feel taken advantage of) and from time to time I offer to pay a bill to give him more spending money (which he never takes me up on).

Money issues are the #1 reason for divorce.

Edited November 16, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[himher 634]

she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills,

You're kidding right? That sounds like a women who wants to be in control or a feminist?

Yes - it is his choice. She expects him (in his own words) to share the household financial and other responsibilities and he expects to live off of her and support his family while she "takes care of herself like she was fine doing before he arrived".

So the consequences of his choice is his pending/upcoming divorce and a lesson learned that leeches are eventually peeled off and tossed back into the water.

MEN take care of their responsibilities at home first

Wow, I don't think dropping the blame squarely on his shoulders is right.

He's from a masculine culture and she's from a feminist culture. There is clearly a struggle between who will wear the pants in the family. That little comment about him not holding the door for her...those complaints tend to come from women who want to be in control but still live in a world of chivalry...not to mention it has "i'm trying to change my husband" written all over it. From his point of view, he's in charge, and helping out his family is his choice. She can voice her opinion about it, but in the end, it's his choice and no different than giving money to UNICEF or the local food bank.

Edited November 16, 2012 by himher

[Rob & Monika 87]

she expects me to hold the door for her, go grocery shopping with her, help clean the house, chip in with bills,

You're kidding right? That sounds like a women who wants to be in control or a feminist?

Yes - it is his choice. She expects him (in his own words) to share the household financial and other responsibilities and he expects to live off of her and support his family while she "takes care of herself like she was fine doing before he arrived".

So the consequences of his choice is his pending/upcoming divorce and a lesson learned that leeches are eventually peeled off and tossed back into the water.

MEN take care of their responsibilities at home first

Yes. The opposite is where the man works, makes the dough and does the chores that require some muscle, and woman takes care of the house, cooks etc. If you prefer the words "traditional" and "modern" or "western" so be it. I see no difference. Feminism created "modern", otherwise there would be no distinction. Leaving is what makes it controlling, she's not getting what she wants so she is going to take control by leaving. It sounds normal to you because you have lived in it and our culture is full of it. Look at which gender files for divorce most...it's some crazily skewed figure like 90% are women filers. Head over to some seriously masculine countries where a woman can't even show her face, you will see the difference. That is why I brought it up, because their worlds are very different when it comes to the roles of men and women.

Edited November 16, 2012 by Rob & Monika

[Teddy B 17,251]

I don't get this separate, "yours and mine" money stuff at all. In OUR house, both my wife and I work, who makes more money does not come in to play, (and just in case anyone is wondering, I make twice as much as my wife does). Both of OUR paychecks get direct deposited into OUR joint bank account. All of the bills get paid out of this joint account, no percentages based on who makes more, it's OUR money. What's mine is hers and what's hers is mine! Neither of us makes a major purchase without consulting the other first, because that's the respectful thing to do.

We share all of the household chores, for the most part my wife handles the cleaning and laundry while I handle mowing the lawn, snowblowing, fixing the vehicles and any house repairs. I usually handle the trash, but if for some reason I don't, she will. I do most of the cooking, I love to cook. We go food shopping together. I also pay all of the bills and handle the bank accounts. If there is a weekend when I am busier than usual, my wife has no problem mowing the lawn. Other weeks when she is busy, I will clean and do lauundry. It's OUR life together and there isn't anything either one of us wouldn't do to help the other.

[Rob & Monika 87]

I don't get this separate, "yours and mine" money stuff at all. In OUR house, both my wife and I work, who makes more money does not come in to play, (and just in case anyone is wondering, I make twice as much as my wife does). Both of OUR paychecks get direct deposited into OUR joint bank account. All of the bills get paid out of this joint account, no percentages based on who makes more, it's OUR money. What's mine is hers and what's hers is mine! Neither of us makes a major purchase without consulting the other first, because that's the respectful thing to do.

We share all of the household chores, for the most part my wife handles the cleaning and laundry while I handle mowing the lawn, snowblowing, fixing the vehicles and any house repairs. I usually handle the trash, but if for some reason I don't, she will. I do most of the cooking, I love to cook. We go food shopping together. I also pay all of the bills and handle the bank accounts. If there is a weekend when I am busier than usual, my wife has no problem mowing the lawn. Other weeks when she is busy, I will clean and do lauundry. It's OUR life together and there isn't anything either one of us wouldn't do to help the other.

Who decides what's for dinner?

The finances work good that way, unless one or both of you is spending the family into debt. Then I can see a lot of fighting over who makes more and spends more, etc.

I've totally stolen this thread

[Teddy B 17,251]

Who decides what's for dinner?

The finances work good that way, unless one or both of you is spending the family into debt. Then I can see a lot of fighting over who makes more and spends more, etc.

I've totally stolen this thread

We both decide what is for dinner.

If one of the spouses is spending the family into debt, then I would say that relationship has more than just money problems. It's all about respecting each other, if there's no respect, then the relationship is in trouble from day one.