Divorce

[R&V 8]

I don't get this separate, "yours and mine" money stuff at all. In OUR house, both my wife and I work, who makes more money does not come in to play, (and just in case anyone is wondering, I make twice as much as my wife does). Both of OUR paychecks get direct deposited into OUR joint bank account. All of the bills get paid out of this joint account, no percentages based on who makes more, it's OUR money. What's mine is hers and what's hers is mine! Neither of us makes a major purchase without consulting the other first, because that's the respectful thing to do.

Yup. Totally agree. Every couple has to find what works for them, I guess.

We both didn't have much (savings or similar) when we got married. I guess that helps. We laugh about eveything being "fifty-fifty". He gets a delicous meal in a restaurant and want to try some: fifty- fifty - I win 3 bucks on a scratch-off lotto ticket: fifty-fifty. Haha.

It helps that we have similar spending habits.

[Adisa 3]

i really never bargainedd for this. i don't want this to rubbish my name. how do i make her forget about the divorce?

[Rob & Monika 87]

I would suggest asking her to write out what she thinks it will take for you two to make the marriage work, and to not leave anything out. If she responds in a way similar to "you should already know" or "if you don't know I'm not spelling it out" then you need to explain that you are a man, and that men don't think like women do...she really does need to spell it all out.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

i really never bargainedd for this. i don't want this to rubbish my name. how do i make her forget about the divorce?

You can't "make" her do anything. I'd be willing to bet she's been hinting at divorce for a while, or at least thinking about it.

If you want to try and save your relationship, stop being so selfish. Stop thinking she is responsible for paying all the bills while you save and send money "home". Start helping out more financially and respecting her as a partner, rather than treating her like your mother or a slave.

[The Mean Lady 604]

I don't get this separate, "yours and mine" money stuff at all. In OUR house, both my wife and I work, who makes more money does not come in to play, (and just in case anyone is wondering, I make twice as much as my wife does). Both of OUR paychecks get direct deposited into OUR joint bank account. All of the bills get paid out of this joint account, no percentages based on who makes more, it's OUR money. What's mine is hers and what's hers is mine! Neither of us makes a major purchase without consulting the other first, because that's the respectful thing to do.

We share all of the household chores, for the most part my wife handles the cleaning and laundry while I handle mowing the lawn, snowblowing, fixing the vehicles and any house repairs. I usually handle the trash, but if for some reason I don't, she will. I do most of the cooking, I love to cook. We go food shopping together. I also pay all of the bills and handle the bank accounts. If there is a weekend when I am busier than usual, my wife has no problem mowing the lawn. Other weeks when she is busy, I will clean and do lauundry. It's OUR life together and there isn't anything either one of us wouldn't do to help the other.

This is how I see us working for the future, however being that we live in separate countries at the moment, we have separate accounts. No one touches my account except me because I pay all of the bills except the hydro and insurance which my husband handles from his account. My husband does have a debit card for emergencies though.

I'm looking forward to the day we BOTH have decent jobs and can have (1) account!

[Darnell 8,478]

i really never bargainedd for this. i don't want this to rubbish my name. how do i make her forget about the divorce?

1. give her all of your money.

2. give her each future paycheck

3. clean the house every two days

4. wash the car weekly

5. wash dishes twice a day

6. iron her clothes every two days.

what you did NOT do was successfully bargain prior to your post, so now you must bargain to your detriment.

and that's ok - you reap what you sow.

[himher 634]

Your feminist/modern/traditional commentary in the context of this discussion is illogical. But do you to feel free to ramble on.

On a more personal note: We moved here from Saudi. We lived there for several years.

Summary of what that means: We did gee and by golly head over to one of those countries. It was fun.

With that (additional) bit of irrelevence aside, this is about what makes a marriage work and marriages where one is out for what they can get for themselves and their distant relatives and the other is shouldering the load for the household don't work. That's not a marriage. That's one person using another person for their own gain.

If that is what the culture is wherever this dude is from and that is what the OP expects then he should have married someone from his own culture. It appears that soon he will get the opportunity to do so.

Yes. The opposite is where the man works, makes the dough and does the chores that require some muscle, and woman takes care of the house, cooks etc. If you prefer the words "traditional" and "modern" or "western" so be it. I see no difference. Feminism created "modern", otherwise there would be no distinction. Leaving is what makes it controlling, she's not getting what she wants so she is going to take control by leaving. It sounds normal to you because you have lived in it and our culture is full of it. Look at which gender files for divorce most...it's some crazily skewed figure like 90% are women filers. Head over to some seriously masculine countries where a woman can't even show her face, you will see the difference. That is why I brought it up, because their worlds are very different when it comes to the roles of men and women.

Edited November 17, 2012 by himher

[himher 634]

Get this sport.

Your chances of "making" her do anything range in the areas bounded by the following:

none, zilch, and zero

i really never bargainedd for this. i don't want this to rubbish my name. how do i make her forget about the divorce?

[keysjangle 145]

Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Divorce her and move on.

[Adisa 3]

becuz i truly love her deeply. last night was not a good night. she is upset that i have a lawyer n am paying the lawyer $2500 to protect my public record against. she says she cannot believe i can do that when i only gave $300 since i started working almost as soon as I got here. she left me in our bedroom with no heat or anything to cover my body just to suffer me. she say that she knows now that she make a mistake marrying me. she called me a fool after I called her from the lawyer n tell her my lawyer said she had handled plenty cases like mine and that i need her. my wife also got mad at me when she say i tried to convince her into sex before telling her that i was not going to work to meet with my lawyer. i cannot help myself i feel so much for her. i just pray my God see me through.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

becuz i truly love her deeply. last night was not a good night. she is upset that i have a lawyer n am paying the lawyer $2500 to protect my public record against. she says she cannot believe i can do that when i only gave $300 since i started working almost as soon as I got here. she left me in our bedroom with no heat or anything to cover my body just to suffer me. she say that she knows now that she make a mistake marrying me. she called me a fool after I called her from the lawyer n tell her my lawyer said she had handled plenty cases like mine and that i need her. my wife also got mad at me when she say i tried to convince her into sex before telling her that i was not going to work to meet with my lawyer. i cannot help myself i feel so much for her. i just pray my God see me through.

You've only given your wife $300 to pay bills yet you are paying a lawyer $2500?

Wow. I'm not sure whether to believe your story because of how awful it seems to be. It just can't possibly be real that someone would treat their spouse who helped get them to America as you have. Even my father, who used my mother for a greencard, treated her better than you are treating your wife. I can't believe someone would paint themselves so poorly on here, so I am going to call troll.

[Rob & Monika 87]

I stand by my first statement, neither of you are committed to this marriage.

[Rob & Monika 87]

Your feminist/modern/traditional commentary in the context of this discussion is illogical. But do you to feel free to ramble on.

Sorry about that rant... the "you don't hold the door for me" kinda set me off, hit close to home.

[Adisa 3]

call troll? what is that? this is real. sometimes i cannot belief it myself. i came here to be with her i left everyone behind. why would i come if not that i love her. it is just that she is making me afraid to trust her. we have gone through so much since i got here. she never stands by her word. am on payment arrangement with the lawyer. i do not have $2500 saved. i have no one to turn to. I need to protect myself.

[himher 634]

You accurately answered your own question in an earlier post

Q: why would i come if not that i love her?

A: i try to save money for myself and to send a little money home

Good luck on your own.

she left me in our bedroom with no heat or anything to cover my body just to suffer me

Remember: When you are on your own you have to heat your own house (first) then you can send money home (second). This nicely summarizes how marriages work

call troll? what is that? this is real. sometimes i cannot belief it myself. i came here to be with her i left everyone behind. why would i come if not that i love her. it is just that she is making me afraid to trust her. we have gone through so much since i got here. she never stands by her word. am on payment arrangement with the lawyer. i do not have $2500 saved. i have no one to turn to. I need to protect myself.

Edited November 17, 2012 by himher