Not what I had expected :(

[Kazulie 132]

If you don't trust him with a 2 year phone contract, how about 10+ years of financial support?

Run! It won't get better. You WILL come to your senses. I 100% know this. Whether it is now or in 5 years, you WILL. Do it now so you don't waste another minute of your life. Please.

[Ellesse 11]

Posting from ‘the other side’ as it were, there is definitely a period of adjustment that happens for both USC and their immigrant fiancé(e)/spouse which can lead to behaviour that seems ‘out of character’. When I came here, I felt very sad sometimes (I was homesick, but was surprised it happened that fast) and felt awful for feeling that way, as I was also really happy to finally be here, if that makes any sense. I felt very dependent on my husband and like a fish out of water. However, I discussed this with him and let him know the reasons, as I think it would have driven him bonkers otherwise!

If your husband’s not willing to talk to you and act as part of a partnership, then I can understand why you’re having doubts, especially if any behaviour is similar to that of your ex-partner. I know, sometimes, we have to adjust our expectations for the person we fell in love with, but this time should be a honeymoon period for you and, if this is happening now, I would be concerned that this behaviour would only worsen. Strange behaviour every now and then might suggest difficulties with adjustment but acting like this all the time - not good!

One thing I would add – I understand why you’d expect him to act more considerate, thoughtful and appreciative, but please realise that he may have the same expectations and feel that things aren’t as he expected either (and I’m not saying you’re not being, just to be clear – just that his perception may be different to yours, and playing devil’s advocate).

I hope you’re able to come to a solution that feels right for you.

L

[Pinoylover 6]

I too think you better get out why you can! i know from first hand 10 years is a long time to support someone your not even married to. my suggestion is to not marry him and cut your loses then let the USICS deal with him. that is what i would do from what you have said here.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Two things about your story seemed especially odd to me.

1. Your ex husband is an abuser but you married another man from the same country and town as your ex? And they knew eachother before?

2. You tell your husband he can do whatever he wants... like you shrug and say "whatever" but you really want to say, "stay at home and hang out with me." Why say you don't care when you do care?

You don't owe me or anyone an explanation, but I thought pointing these out (well the second really, the first is already over) might be something to think about for the future.

I wish you the best.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Love isn't who you can live with, it's who you can't live without, and you lived until now without him and believe me you will be able to live without him,because you are better of off him!. You suffered abuse before and you know how abusers act, then please take charge of your life and kick his ####!You deserve better don't forget that.

He is spending more time with his friends than with you,more time playing games than with you. I am convinced you dreamed of a life filled with joy and love.Love is kind,love is not selfish,love is not arrogant,love is joy,love it does not seek its own. Stop a bit and ask yourself Am I living/getting that? as soon you find the answer take action and do not allow others to take charge of your life.

May the Lord bless you and keep you safe.

I operate a non profit organization;please don't be a statistic

http://www.wix.com/sandrinhacv/pearlproject

[Miss M 54]

While there is a period of adjustment for all of us non USC, there is absolutely no excuse for childish behaviour, manipulation and downright disrespect. I do not get how your husband thinks his behaviour is acceptable because he is having a hard time with adjusting, and staying out with a friend all the time, giggling like a little girl, playing games all day, wanting a 'fancy' phone etc does not in any way help the situation. He seems really immature and incapable of handling his relationship like an adult.

I have had many sad days when I get homesick and hate being here, but have never felt the need to punish my husband for it, nor take out what I'm feeling on him. If anything, he has been a source of comfort. I tell him when I just want to be left alone, and when I am having a bad day - but I have never resorted to childish manipulation.

As you know, this is such a long and painful process for all of us here, so at the very least - your husband should respect you enough to behave like an adult and talk about whatever it is he is going through.

I feel badly for you, and hope that you will not continue to endure unnecessary heartache. Hope it all works out.

[wee carrington 33]

I don't have too much input other than my sincere best wishes to you.

[bigdog 376]

Sorry to hear this, you can't shine !!!!. And you deserve better, my best friend says loose a husband, horse etc get a better one. Put down the law, USA and marriage is not party central.

[EmelyNJoel 43]

Degree in social work -- wanted to establish my bonafides.

People CAN change, however people usually usuall DON'T change.

Secrecy is never a good sign. So I'd be careful if I were you.

Set some limit in your mind for him to grow up.

And explain what you expect from him in great detail using small words. Men (including me) generally need simple clear instructions.

Tell him how long he has to be the man you thought you married.

The way I was taught is a simple 4 step plan. (choice theory, and reality therapy. - the following is paraphrasing)1. Ask what do I want?2. Ask yourself what am I doing to get what I want?3. Ask yourself, is what I'm doing working?4. If the answer is 'no' do anything ANYTHING else. (( not more of the same, not faster of the same, not harder of the same, something different) because the same obviously wasnt working)

Good luck to you.

[adiiann 163]

From my deepest brain....

My advice is to sit down with him and talk about the issues. Tell him everything you feel about your situation and make sure that he will just listen first, then listen to his response regarding the issue and don't make any arguments, let him just talk. After you hear his side of thoughts on your situation, ask him what he wanted to do with your relationship. From there, you can make decision on what you need to do. Just remember that you can't save marriage alone, its a two person job.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

So my husband arrived 5 days ago. I knew before he arrived that things would be complicated to a certain extent as he was hesitant to come in the first place and he had been "acting out" or "rebelling" gradually for the last 5 months prior to arrival.

Now he's here and his actions are very immature. He is doing things that my own teens don't do. Mocking, giggling, obsessed with the internet and games, etc.... Things that make you feel somewhat embarrassed to have that person as your husband.

He had one friend in the same city I live in, someone I didn't realize would become an issue, but already has. As soon as I'm home from work, he's out the door 30 minutes later, with his friend, doing who knows what. I don't have a way to contact him, other than to call his friends phone, and I honestly have no interest in chasing him around.

On day 3, he became extremely angry because the father of my children called to speak to my daughter. This is a relationship that has been over and done with for over 10 years. My husband was very much aware of this, as they are from the same city in his home country, and they know each other. He was so furious, he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore and that he did not want to be here. He left for 6 hours with his friend, then returned to get his things. I told him to at least stay the night, then in the morning he could do as he pleased. I'm not going to force him to stay. I slept in my daughters room and let him have his space.

He decided to stay but I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken much since that happened.

When I returned yesterday from work, he was preparing some food and when I walked in the door he expected that I run into his embrace and forget everything that had happened the day before. Unfortunately for him, I don't function that way. Everyone is responsible for their actions and words. Brushing your wrongdoings off is not only immature but a coward move, not to mention unattractive. He left with his friend for about 45 minutes, then returned and asked if I minded if he stayed out longer. I told him he's free to do as he wishes. He opted to stay home and I went to sleep.

I overheard a conversation between he and his cousin last evening about him needing a cell phone. I have a pre paid phone that is brand new that I was willing to connect for him. Since his actions are very unpredictable, I'm reluctant to add him to my phone contract. If he leaves I'm stuck paying an unused line for 2 years. Not going to happen. The phone has all the bells and whistles one would want ..... but he says no, he is having a family member send him money so he can get the newest Iphone. He says he doesn't want anything other than this. I cannot afford it, nor will I encourage this type of greedy lifestyle.

I'm discouraged because I thought that he would be more appreciative, more understanding and more considerate. This is not the case. I hated to have to air out my dirty laundry but I need input from people who have gone through similar situations to give me advice. I cannot count on the "give it time, maybe he will change" thing......

Girlfriend you know there are sooooo many people on VJ that would love to be able to write..."So my husband arrived 5 days ago..."

I am dreaming to be one of them...

But what disappointing news followed in your post. I am truly sorry.

When we wrote in the PM you shown as a nice person

You describe your husband to b immature and maybe not what you hoped he would be....you likened him to acting more immature than your own teens would act (what a turn off)....And he is gone out already a couple of times? 5th day? You two should be hanging out and enjoying each other's company!!! You come home from work and he is out the door in 30 minutes? Wah???

Sounds like an old, bored, tedious couple scenario...not NEWLYWEDS!!!!!

And, already he has shown a temper....bad sign. BAD SIGN. What could make him turn to anger if the father calls to speak to the daughter??

Is it even his business?

He married you knowing there was an ex and children involved...It takes a mature person to step in and become a step father. Is he willing?

Is he capable?

AS others advised, give it a chance.... sit down and talk with him about these issues now!!! Calmly.

And then you being a mother, make a good decision for your future and your children's future.

You married in summer and God blessed you with your husband in February...this should be a happy time for you both. For you all.

If not blissful at least a husband showing love and respect. Not complaining about not having the latest Iphone.

I pray things will work out for you.

Good Luck

Edited February 23, 2012 by inluvnwaiting

[awsome ali 0]

So my husband arrived 5 days ago. I knew before he arrived that things would be complicated to a certain extent as he was hesitant to come in the first place and he had been "acting out" or "rebelling" gradually for the last 5 months prior to arrival.

Now he's here and his actions are very immature. He is doing things that my own teens don't do. Mocking, giggling, obsessed with the internet and games, etc.... Things that make you feel somewhat embarrassed to have that person as your husband.

He had one friend in the same city I live in, someone I didn't realize would become an issue, but already has. As soon as I'm home from work, he's out the door 30 minutes later, with his friend, doing who knows what. I don't have a way to contact him, other than to call his friends phone, and I honestly have no interest in chasing him around.

On day 3, he became extremely angry because the father of my children called to speak to my daughter. This is a relationship that has been over and done with for over 10 years. My husband was very much aware of this, as they are from the same city in his home country, and they know each other. He was so furious, he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore and that he did not want to be here. He left for 6 hours with his friend, then returned to get his things. I told him to at least stay the night, then in the morning he could do as he pleased. I'm not going to force him to stay. I slept in my daughters room and let him have his space.

He decided to stay but I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken much since that happened.

When I returned yesterday from work, he was preparing some food and when I walked in the door he expected that I run into his embrace and forget everything that had happened the day before. Unfortunately for him, I don't function that way. Everyone is responsible for their actions and words. Brushing your wrongdoings off is not only immature but a coward move, not to mention unattractive. He left with his friend for about 45 minutes, then returned and asked if I minded if he stayed out longer. I told him he's free to do as he wishes. He opted to stay home and I went to sleep.

I overheard a conversation between he and his cousin last evening about him needing a cell phone. I have a pre paid phone that is brand new that I was willing to connect for him. Since his actions are very unpredictable, I'm reluctant to add him to my phone contract. If he leaves I'm stuck paying an unused line for 2 years. Not going to happen. The phone has all the bells and whistles one would want ..... but he says no, he is having a family member send him money so he can get the newest Iphone. He says he doesn't want anything other than this. I cannot afford it, nor will I encourage this type of greedy lifestyle.

I'm discouraged because I thought that he would be more appreciative, more understanding and more considerate. This is not the case. I hated to have to air out my dirty laundry but I need input from people who have gone through similar situations to give me advice. I cannot count on the "give it time, maybe he will change" thing......

i have same kind of issues with my fiancee, i mean she is loving but some time she reacts unexpectdly, even you are a goodlooking couple if it is hapening so , really bad.

how did u first realize that HE is the man for you

Caz being a man i believe that the greatest quality of man is to support his family , give gifts to wife , not to expect, and go to work, insted the wife...

[amyandjorge 76]

I must say, I was rather disappointed in my husband for the first week or so he was here.

He was facebooking A LOT (something he never did before), which I thought was immature. He wouldn't cook or clean anything, he wouldn't put food on a plate for himself, or even pick his own plate up off the table

I must say, we broke down and both got new iPhones after he had been here 3 days...but it was my idea. He was very down about not having a phone and would have gotten any old phone.

Things are a lot better now (19 days later), we had one strong conversation about daily responsibilities and work (in and outside the house). I will say, my husband is *very* uncomfortable with me buying things for him right now, which sometimes leads to him acting unreasonably. He is doing a lot of work on my mother's house, she can't pay him much, but he at least feels like he is doing his man things. Things aren't what they were before, but we are definitely growing in the right direction. Also, my husband's closest friend is 2 hrs away and married.

Not to say your husband's behavior is appropriate or acceptable, I would be witholding affection as well, but he could just be adjusting very uncomfortably. Definitely sit down with him, tell him you love him (hopefully you still do!) then tell him he needs to get his act together.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

I'm sorry to give you the most irrational and perhaps the most unnecessary advice you'll ever receive on this site, but I don't like your husband, and I have a bad feeling about him. I know looks alone aren't enough, but he seems extremely , perhaps unreasonably cocky me.

Now to what you just said. The conversation with his cousin makes me feel like he is just looking at you as a meal ticket which is in no way shape or form acceptable. I would ask your ex husband's opinion since they know eachother.

EDIT: ooo yeah, as someone who had to do the adjusting myself... The whole give it time speech is bull... People are who they are, if they don't feel guilty about their stance in life or bad about what they are doing to others, they won't change it

Edited February 23, 2012 by thelastpetitioner

[B & C 1]

I'll follow suit with an earlier poster and first list my "qualifications."

BA. Psychology, 14 years of behavioral observation, and 4 years living abroad with an ex (in what I had hoped was going to be a lasting relationship).

The first thing I want to say is how shocked I am at how many people jump right into the attitude of failure and futility. It's easy to say those things from behind a monitor and when you don't know the full story, particularly when you're exposed to so many bad endings during work or television...

Secondly, give the adjustment period its full consideration before you dismiss it. Everyone is unique, and as such, we respond to different stresses and stimuli in different ways.

When I first moved abroad, I had developed full blown PTSD and downright shut absolutely everyone out of my internal thinking for a very long time. This is an extreme example, but my husband also has the same tactic. When things are hard, he'll clam up for awhile until it either gets too hard or until he's found a way to relieve it. And he did have a difficult time adjusting for the first few months (a lot of it was guilt from leaving his family).

All marriages have rough spots, and relocating is a very stressful ordeal for most people. Perhaps he simply doesn't want to expose that kind of hurt to you to various reasons, and is more comfortable blowing off steam with his friend than exposing you to anything unpleasant. As twisted as it sounds, I know several people who are much more comfortable showing their vulnerability to people who don't matter than wanting to show that "weakness" to their loved ones. Those who relocate really do sacrifice a lot in the process, more than they often expect.

The only advice I can really give is to give him some time and space, try to make yourself available for whenever he's ready to start communicating, and know where your limits lie. The real trouble isn't the marital difficulties, it's the necessity of balancing it with immigration hurdles. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep us all updated with the (hopefully) good news and outcome. What can I say, I'm an optimist.