Not what I had expected :(

[Samantha78 117]

I tend to agree with Bocachicababe... to blame his immature behavior in "adjusting" is just a HUGE excuse. He might have attachment issues like you say but then you need to look within yourself and ask why do you choose these types of men? you are not a trained Psychiatrist to deal with such a big psychological disorders he might have according to you (trust issues etc)... Then you say it is a cultural situation!!!! Just because you have dealt with two men with similar standards from the same Barrio does not talk for all of us. If a man just cares for the latest phones the latest Jordans right from the first day i would know that he wants nothing but to live that airhead lifestyle while they tell their friends "they have a vieja in US I'm not saying that that is your case but we are HIGH FRAUD COUNTRY. People do file for cousins, for people who pay them and last but not least men and women down there would disguise themselves as the "ultimate lover" and ask for money or just want PAPERS.... a men asks for money in DR (where MACHISMO would never allow them to ask for one peso ) trust me they do not respect you and never will!! plain and simple... Men in DR who value their women would never allow them to pay for NOTHING! that is our culture and hopefully you know people with different standards and know we are not all the same. Everyone would be homesick!!! but hello!!!! leave you in your "honeymoon stage" the first week of him being here without even saying where he is going!!!! HUGE RED FLAG... you are not his mom and you need a men who you do not need to "lead in the right direction" you need a partner... He was not happy in every step of the way? why did you keep filing and going through all of this? why didn't you say ok stay down there i'm not moving down there so bye bye! You can't give and give and just expect people to give back. Someone doesn't give you in return ADIOS... Otherwise we put ourselves out there to get hurt and disappointed. I believe in being responsible for our own actions. It might seem paranoid but I know of too many stories to not be very careful with these types of men We always think that wouldn't happen to me; he is different!!! but usually we are the norm and we have to be CAREFUL. If my husband asks for one dollar I stop this process right now! why? because in my culture the man is the man and I have to let him be the man and solve his own issues. Of course women usually cook and clean and all of that more than men but usually men are the ones who want to work (provide) the first day they get here and not doing so would really frustrate them (that I would believe is an adjusting issue). I really care for you an hopefully you see that in no way i'm trying to be rude or anything but listen to your heart and ask yourself if you are ready to deal with three teenagers. Adjusting can he hard obviously but this is just out of the ordinary.

I feel you....believe me.......but do know that I def know the difference between a legit Dominican and a shady one......I've only dated Dominicans my entire life. The machismo thing can go in several directions. It can be as you said - too proud to let his woman pay - or it can be in a way that they think they are the best thing to hit the earth since sliced bread, and treat everyone as though they are less than them. I've seen it many many .... too many times. So my observations really are just based on my experience. Jensy is absolutely acting wrong and by saying its a cultural thing is in no way trying to make an excuse or defend him. I personally feel some disgust in the flashy show off stuff that I see from there and the cut throat tactics to get by. Relationships and marriage are not valued and men are babied.....that's the norm, and it's wrong. You said the man is the man.....but just because they are a man doesn't mean they are necesarrily acting like a man. Jensy's aunt waited on his every single command and I expressed how wrong this was many times. I don't think that grown men that are not the breadwinners of the home, should be pampered in any way. I think when you have a family and responsibilities, you should WANT to do this for them and not feel like you should be rewarded or pampered for it. And you know that here, that doesn't fly. Here, I work damn hard, long days....and I never expect to come home and have someone wash my feet or make my bath or do anything for me. This would be a treat....but not expected.

Again, as you know, I am disappointed because I thought he would be grateful for this experience and try to change to better himself if nothing else........and that's not what's happening.

[Miss M 54]

Any change in his behaviour? Have you had a chance to talk and discuss your expectations, or how best you can help each other?

[Samantha78 117]

Hi, just wanted to say you all are good looking people in your pictures and I hope it works out for you!

From a cultural perspective, when I read your story, it reminds me of the behavior of many, many men in Colombia. The women in Colombia have to tolerate and support so much with their men, I mention to my wife on occasion that American women do not put up with too much nonsense from men for too long and the way that many Latin Men treat their women, not going to fly with a lot of American Women. She loves this quality of american women and she has so much admiration for American women in this regard, crazy. Generally speaking, it seems American Women are not compatible with Latin Men born and raised in Latin America, of course there are exceptions and success stories. You are very aware of the Latin Culture so if your husband can man-up a little, that would be awesome, getting a job, starting to contribute, all good stuff. I mentioned your story to my wife and without me saying he was from the DR, she guessed he was latino and she said he would never change, I disagree with my wife in this regard, but that was her reaction. She is from Barranquilla, Colombia and the men there are something else, the way the men treat the women there just blows my mind, it is such a cultural difference from the US. So I hear you, I would disagree with a lot of posters here and would say based on my experience in Latin America, your husband's behavior is more the norm than the exception. If he can stay faithful to you and be a one woman guy, that is more than half the battle and you should be well on your way to a happy marriage.

When he says he has not been in a serious relationship with a woman like you and you have more experience than him, do you believe him, I could believe that given my experience with Latin America? He may just not know any better or different.

Your wife is a smart woman!

And what you explained to her was correct. Most American women will not bow down to the pushy masochistic and demanding ways of latin men. I am will to bend a little but not to anything similar as to some things I've seen. If I was able to stay home all day and only worry about cooking and cleaning and talk to my neighbors all day on the patio....I may not be too picky about how things were, since I'm not working or providing. BUT......I am, and always will be the provider.....and I know that he is only used to that stay at home type. So when he sees my life and how many things I have to handle on any given day, he feels intimidated, causing what I'm going to call a tempur tantrum. If I fix something in the house or know something that men tend to be more familiar with, he thinks I'm wrong or tries to find fault in it. LIke he cant handle that a woman knows how to do things other than tend to the house. SMH What an archaic way of thinking.

I know he has not had any serious relationships like this one....just short term girls or long distance stuff. But using that as an excuse to not be able to show love or appreciation blows my mind. He really doesn't have any good role models. His aunt and uncle who raised him are very nice people but she knows when to keep her mouth shut.......not the best people to follow by example when you are coming to a country where woman aren't raised to shut up ')

[Samantha78 117]

Any change in his behaviour? Have you had a chance to talk and discuss your expectations, or how best you can help each other?

Hey.....I spoke to him today about his immature behavior. He shut down, ignored me, and then dragged his feet away and is listening to music now, occassionally blurting out lyrics - I'm sure in an attempt to annoy me - like a child would. I'm ignoring it. He's great while I'm at work, but as soon as I'm home....it's a whole different story. I come in, barely have my coat off, start to cook dinner, lsiten to the daily school stories from my kids, and do whatever needs to be done. My multitasking is not allowing me to give him the attention he wants but there is no one else to do all of this .... which I'm fine with. He's needy in the attention department. After my 11 hour day it's difficult to please everyone...someone always feels as though I didn't give them enough time. If it's not my kids, it the dog, and not him.

[Samantha78 117]

I am just saying, I have many Latin Friends, been a part of the Latin Culture, dated a lot of latinas, lived in latin american countries, to deny that Machismo and its qualities are not a phenomenon in Latin America would be to have blinders on and to dismiss a very real part of the latin culture. There are descent latinos as well, I know several, and there are several in wife's family that are good husbands. You would have to know my wife and would have to know Barranquilla, Colombia where she comes from to understand.

To deny the materialistic, greedy side of the American culture would also be to have blinders on. To deny the family oriented and centered side of the latin culture would be to have blinders on. To deny certain cultural realities is not useful to me.

It doesn't make me feel good to hear of Machismo, that is not why my wife tells me the reality of the situation to make me feel good, that is a childish way to view a very serious matter, not all the men are like that and yes, there are plenty of cut-throat, green card female sharks swimming in the Latin American Ocean. I have run into several myself when I was still on the hunt.

Please note that I used generally in my comments, there are always exceptions to the rule, but societies have general, customary norms in the society, Machismo is a a part of latin american society. To make an argument to deny that does not carry any water with any latin americans that I know.

When you marry the person, you marry their culture and a person just has to deal with it. The OP married a 25 year old male from the DR who has never been in a serious relationship with a woman like her before. Now she is dealing with the ramifications of this.

I just want to say that I completely understood you and in no way felt you were sterotyping a culture. There are facts and there are rumors. I have lived the facts. Sounds like you have too, and nothing is wrong with speaking from experience. On the other hand, I know there are some amazing and loving latino men because I have latina friends that have these men in their lives....BUT....they always tell me the same things: they went through hell at some point because of cheating or machismo issues AND that it's rare to find the good ones. I thought I found a good one. He may be a good one. He's definitely not showing that right now but.....if the Immaculate Conception really took place, anything is possible, I guess.

[V & A 0]

I am just saying, I have many Latin Friends, been a part of the Latin Culture, dated a lot of latinas, lived in latin american countries, to deny that Machismo and its qualities are not a phenomenon in Latin America would be to have blinders on and to dismiss a very real part of the latin culture. There are descent latinos as well, I know several, and there are several in wife's family that are good husbands. You would have to know my wife and would have to know Barranquilla, Colombia where she comes from to understand.

To deny the materialistic, greedy side of the American culture would also be to have blinders on. To deny the family oriented and centered side of the latin culture would be to have blinders on. To deny certain cultural realities is not useful to me.

It doesn't make me feel good to hear of Machismo, that is not why my wife tells me the reality of the situation to make me feel good, that is a childish way to view a very serious matter, not all the men are like that and yes, there are plenty of cut-throat, green card female sharks swimming in the Latin American Ocean. I have run into several myself when I was still on the hunt.

Please note that I used generally in my comments, there are always exceptions to the rule, but societies have general, customary norms in the society, Machismo is a a part of latin american society. To make an argument to deny that does not carry any water with any latin americans that I know.

When you marry the person, you marry their culture and a person just has to deal with it. The OP married a 25 year old male from the DR who has never been in a serious relationship with a woman like her before. Now she is dealing with the ramifications of this.

In no way shape or form am I saying you know nothing about our culture. Yes there is MACHISMO. In fact most of us women are MACHISTA. Our sons are not treated as our daughters and obviously the result is that Latin women are Strong! where men do want special treatment. But you know what! I would not trade the great part of Machismo. Our men have a need to Provide, Protect and are very affectionate...of course they want this affection back and expect women to take care of them... but guess what I love how my man opens the door for me, respects my family and would never pick me up and not come in and say hi to my mom unlike relationships here where teenagers are even allowed to enter a girls room... it just not work like that with us! Of course it all depends where the person comes from...how can you expect a man or woman from a tough neigborhood with little to no education to act the same as a middle class person who sacrificed everything to go to college and knows what hard work mean? Obviously this is only my experience being Dominican and ONLY dating Dominican. We tend to be attracted to people that simulations to our past! either parents etc... and Sam is showing a pattern here which she has to work on. Like I said we are A HIGH FRAUD COUNTRY FOR GOD SAKE... when we embark on this type of relationship the first thing you have to research is the term sanky panky... in DR this is very common! We have to protect ourselves and not expect God to do all the work. In his case he is acting like a four year old with a temper tantrum but even then it needed to be stopped in time... and letting time do the work just makes things worse. Like I said this is out of the ordinary.. a typical guy will be the best husband ever until Permanent Green Card arrives... but this behavior is more than a red flag that has nothing to do with his Machismo. I wish for the best but blaming everything on adjusting/ culture etc and ignoring a guy who is telling you he wants to stay in his country and live the life seems pretty odd because in fact HE IS TELLING HER WHAT HE WANTS..he wants the latest trends in everything without working for it! and sugar coating this is pointless.

[V & A 0]

Replied to wrong post sorry lol

Edited February 24, 2012 by V & A

[V & A 0]

I feel you....believe me.......but do know that I def know the difference between a legit Dominican and a shady one......I've only dated Dominicans my entire life. The machismo thing can go in several directions. It can be as you said - too proud to let his woman pay - or it can be in a way that they think they are the best thing to hit the earth since sliced bread, and treat everyone as though they are less than them. I've seen it many many .... too many times. So my observations really are just based on my experience. Jensy is absolutely acting wrong and by saying its a cultural thing is in no way trying to make an excuse or defend him. I personally feel some disgust in the flashy show off stuff that I see from there and the cut throat tactics to get by. Relationships and marriage are not valued and men are babied.....that's the norm, and it's wrong. You said the man is the man.....but just because they are a man doesn't mean they are necesarrily acting like a man. Jensy's aunt waited on his every single command and I expressed how wrong this was many times. I don't think that grown men that are not the breadwinners of the home, should be pampered in any way. I think when you have a family and responsibilities, you should WANT to do this for them and not feel like you should be rewarded or pampered for it. And you know that here, that doesn't fly. Here, I work damn hard, long days....and I never expect to come home and have someone wash my feet or make my bath or do anything for me. This would be a treat....but not expected.

Again, as you know, I am disappointed because I thought he would be grateful for this experience and try to change to better himself if nothing else........and that's not what's happening.

I respect you a lot and know you are trying to be positive but sometimes we can't blame nobody if the signs are there... Hopefully I'm wrong... I really hope so but what I meant by men being men means something different for a latina than for someone else. Regardless of how much you know or hang around us Being Italian is not the same thing as knowing Italians and it applies to any culture. I also know a lot of American friends who are attracted to Latinas because of the way we treat them... NURTURING, LOVING EXTRA AFFECTIONATE ETC... am I saying American women are not like that? No! maybe they do not show affection the same way. eg. a kiss on the cheek is not really acceptable when introduced to someone but we are all over everyone lol An American woman/ Dominican Man relationship takes a lot of work due to this. Of course You don't have to take care of him like a baby after a twelve hour shift but our men expect YOU to take care of them at least with the basics and It doesn't make us less of a woman but due to the INDEPENDENT culture in America understanding that is very hard. There is nothing wrong with this but then you need to find someone with your same values or emotionally intelligent enough to work very hard on your relationship. Like I said the signs are all there and if you know our culture like you say you do you know if there are any red flags... I don't think finding a decent Dominican man is hard, finding ANY type of decent relationship is hard. I tend to say what I think and since you asked our opinion I'm telling you to Be CAREFUL... BE VERY CAREFUL! and again work on understanding yourself first and why you allow this!

[Samantha78 117]

Replied to wrong post sorry lol

I'm going to halfway agree and disagree with what you said. I understand your point but again,I've been there, done that, tried that nurturing thing for the needy guy .... All that good stuff.....it didn't pay off and it isn't for me. Sometimes people on the outside can see people much clearer than those people themselves .... These views can be wrong at times but the stories and generalizing def isn't for no reason. When a group of people do wrong things and make a bad name for themselves they often ruin it for the good ones. It's like that in many cultures but the people in that culture either deny it or excuse it. It's understandable. Nonetheless, I may have made a bad choice but it would be nice to think that it's possible for a woman to fall in love with an honest man from another country without questioning whether she's being jerked or not. I think it's an embarrassment for any country to be categorized as high fraud. This says a lot ....

Edited February 24, 2012 by sam&jensi

[amyandjorge 76]

He's needy in the attention department.

I work midnight to 8am, so my husband has been sleeping alone ever since he arrived in the US (except weekends). I wouldn't say he is 'needy' for attention, but I do make sure to make 5-10 mins of 'Jorge time' when I get home. My husband isn't from DR, but it took a long time in our relationship for me to get him to the point where we could sit down and talk about our relationship (what works for me, what doesn't work for him, what he needs, etc). A lot of people, who know people that have immigrated to the US, believe that somehow new jeans and cars just fall from the sky. Even if your husband isn't particularly interested in having shiny new things, all of his friends/family are probably wondering why he doesn't have everything. A friend of mine from DR, hasn't returned in over 8 years because he said he doesn't want to have to spend all the money on new clothes for himself and presents for his family... plus plane tickets for himself, kids, and wife.

It is cliche, but it's worth repeating, communication is key (even more so I find in multilingual relationships).

[TBoneTX 43,069]

I spoke to him today about his immature behavior. He shut down, ignored me, and then dragged his feet away and is listening to music now, occassionally blurting out lyrics - I'm sure in an attempt to annoy me - like a child would. I'm ignoring it. He's great while I'm at work, but as soon as I'm home....it's a whole different story. I come in, barely have my coat off, start to cook dinner, lsiten to the daily school stories from my kids, and do whatever needs to be done. My multitasking is not allowing me to give him the attention he wants but there is no one else to do all of this .... which I'm fine with. He's needy in the attention department.

I've read this entire thread, and two pages ago it became clear what the problem is:

You married a macho and you expect to change or "reform" him. This is probably the most fruitless and (yes) dumb act that anyone could undertake.

Your subsequent actions, as described above, will serve to do nothing but emasculate him (further). Read how you write about him.

I have never been this judgmental here, but I'll say now: The two people in this marriage picked the wrong partners. The culture on the one side and the disrespect for it on the other (you figure out whose is whose) equal pure cruelty. If there's any mutual mercy remaining, you'll end this sham of a marriage, cleanly and rapidly.

And, please: For the sake of everyone, avoid repeating this mistake.

[Penguin_ie 5,986]

***** Closed by Op request ******