Not what I had expected :(

[thelastpetitioner 218]

When I first moved abroad, I had developed full blown PTSD and downright shut absolutely everyone out of my internal thinking for a very long time. This is an extreme example, but my husband also has the same tactic. When things are hard, he'll clam up for awhile until it either gets too hard or until he's found a way to relieve it. And he did have a difficult time adjusting for the first few months (a lot of it was guilt from leaving his family).

While i may be a pessimist, you seem to over estemate people and the amount of " good " in their heart.

PTSD from moving to another country? Like you said every one is unique therefor that is irrelevant. Do you realize how rare PTSD just from moving to a different country to get married and start your own life is? Home sickness would be the word.

How so you justify the husband trying his best not to take responsibility?trying his best to get OP to pay while limiting her and her interaction with the outside world and people in her family?

That fact that he was hesitant at first seems to somehow escape every one's mind. Why would a full grown man, perfectly capable of taking care of himself and the Oman he loves and her children, and honestly in love, be hesitant to move, to a completely free country, grow up, give up his partying ways and be responsible?

OP I pray to god I'm wrong, I hope your relationship works out, but at this point it looks like your dealing with a turtle. Someone who doesn't wanna grow up and act their age for whatever reason. I wouldn't invest much in this relationship unless he changes his ways

[GandK 168]

I'll follow suit with an earlier poster and first list my "qualifications."

BA. Psychology, 14 years of behavioral observation, and 4 years living abroad with an ex (in what I had hoped was going to be a lasting relationship).

The first thing I want to say is how shocked I am at how many people jump right into the attitude of failure and futility. It's easy to say those things from behind a monitor and when you don't know the full story, particularly when you're exposed to so many bad endings during work or television...

Secondly, give the adjustment period its full consideration before you dismiss it. Everyone is unique, and as such, we respond to different stresses and stimuli in different ways.

When I first moved abroad, I had developed full blown PTSD and downright shut absolutely everyone out of my internal thinking for a very long time. This is an extreme example, but my husband also has the same tactic. When things are hard, he'll clam up for awhile until it either gets too hard or until he's found a way to relieve it. And he did have a difficult time adjusting for the first few months (a lot of it was guilt from leaving his family).

All marriages have rough spots, and relocating is a very stressful ordeal for most people. Perhaps he simply doesn't want to expose that kind of hurt to you to various reasons, and is more comfortable blowing off steam with his friend than exposing you to anything unpleasant. As twisted as it sounds, I know several people who are much more comfortable showing their vulnerability to people who don't matter than wanting to show that "weakness" to their loved ones. Those who relocate really do sacrifice a lot in the process, more than they often expect.

The only advice I can really give is to give him some time and space, try to make yourself available for whenever he's ready to start communicating, and know where your limits lie. The real trouble isn't the marital difficulties, it's the necessity of balancing it with immigration hurdles. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep us all updated with the (hopefully) good news and outcome. What can I say, I'm an optimist.

I have to go with this one

People that told you to run are just being silly. They barely know you or your husband, they read 15 lines description of your situation and they already conclude the right action for you, I think not.

Life as a couple involves two people, what holds it together is trust and communication. So I suggest you re-establish that communication.

[B & C 1]

While i may be a pessimist, you seem to over estemate people and the amount of " good " in their heart.

PTSD from moving to another country? Like you said every one is unique therefor that is irrelevant. Do you realize how rare PTSD just from moving to a different country to get married and start your own life is? Home sickness would be the word.

How so you justify the husband trying his best not to take responsibility?trying his best to get OP to pay while limiting her and her interaction with the outside world and people in her family?

That fact that he was hesitant at first seems to somehow escape every one's mind. Why would a full grown man, perfectly capable of taking care of himself and the Oman he loves and her children, and honestly in love, be hesitant to move, to a completely free country, grow up, give up his partying ways and be responsible?

OP I pray to god I'm wrong, I hope your relationship works out, but at this point it looks like your dealing with a turtle. Someone who doesn't wanna grow up and act their age for whatever reason. I wouldn't invest much in this relationship unless he changes his ways

Goodness, you assume my mental upsets were from the move itself? That's not the cause of it, but flights are a trigger. The relocation simply hit harder because of it. I just have absolutely no interest in disclosing my personal history on an online forum.

And I never stated I moved to that country to get married. My husband is not from that country, and I met him several years later.

For the rest of your statement, it's not even worth responding to since you're already negatively biased and my original point was to shed light on the side most people don't look to while in "forum mode."

Premature judgments are useless.

[Divs 35]

I don't know you, but after having read your post, I'll say this. Like you, I used to be a FIXER. I would end up with the biggest losers on earth and try to fix their problem. Not that it helped me at all. But then, one day I woke up and told myself that enough is enough. I'm worth much more than this #### I'm going through. And I moved out and moved on. Today, I can tell you that I've finally found the man of my dreams... just when I least expected it. He's everything I've wanted in my better half and what I thought would only happen in fairy tales. Both of us have been through enough #### in our lives, and we don't intend to screw each other's happiness, for we know and respect the value of love.

You're worth so much more than perhaps even you realize. Get out of it. He's so not worth someone like you. You've been through #### before, and you'll manage well, I'm sure. We're all here rooting for you. Keep your chin up, go for the kill, and move on. You'll find the man of your dreams, and soon. Lots of love your way.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

So my husband arrived 5 days ago. I knew before he arrived that things would be complicated to a certain extent as he was hesitant to come in the first place and he had been "acting out" or "rebelling" gradually for the last 5 months prior to arrival.

Now he's here and his actions are very immature. He is doing things that my own teens don't do. Mocking, giggling, obsessed with the internet and games, etc.... Things that make you feel somewhat embarrassed to have that person as your husband.

He had one friend in the same city I live in, someone I didn't realize would become an issue, but already has. As soon as I'm home from work, he's out the door 30 minutes later, with his friend, doing who knows what. I don't have a way to contact him, other than to call his friends phone, and I honestly have no interest in chasing him around.

On day 3, he became extremely angry because the father of my children called to speak to my daughter. This is a relationship that has been over and done with for over 10 years. My husband was very much aware of this, as they are from the same city in his home country, and they know each other. He was so furious, he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore and that he did not want to be here. He left for 6 hours with his friend, then returned to get his things. I told him to at least stay the night, then in the morning he could do as he pleased. I'm not going to force him to stay. I slept in my daughters room and let him have his space.

He decided to stay but I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken much since that happened.

When I returned yesterday from work, he was preparing some food and when I walked in the door he expected that I run into his embrace and forget everything that had happened the day before. Unfortunately for him, I don't function that way. Everyone is responsible for their actions and words. Brushing your wrongdoings off is not only immature but a coward move, not to mention unattractive. He left with his friend for about 45 minutes, then returned and asked if I minded if he stayed out longer. I told him he's free to do as he wishes. He opted to stay home and I went to sleep.

I overheard a conversation between he and his cousin last evening about him needing a cell phone. I have a pre paid phone that is brand new that I was willing to connect for him. Since his actions are very unpredictable, I'm reluctant to add him to my phone contract. If he leaves I'm stuck paying an unused line for 2 years. Not going to happen. The phone has all the bells and whistles one would want ..... but he says no, he is having a family member send him money so he can get the newest Iphone. He says he doesn't want anything other than this. I cannot afford it, nor will I encourage this type of greedy lifestyle.

I'm discouraged because I thought that he would be more appreciative, more understanding and more considerate. This is not the case. I hated to have to air out my dirty laundry but I need input from people who have gone through similar situations to give me advice. I cannot count on the "give it time, maybe he will change" thing......

I can totally hear your frustrations and disappointment whilst reading this, but rather than jump on the band wagon and just label him and your relationship with him null and void -- time to move on. perhaps I can be a little more constructive?

This is no way a judgement on you, and I can empathize with some of what you have outlined here, but whilst reading all of this I felt like you were speaking about him as though you are a parent rather than an equal partner. I know you are having some difficulties relating to some of his behaviour, but perhaps this child/parent dynamic you are experiencing is also being expressed through both of you.. I am not making you responsible for his actions, but all relationships are effected by both parties and what you are experiencing is in some way a consequence of your behaviour too.

I am not coming from this angle to make you feel bad, or legitimize any of his behaviour that you perceive as immature or unhelpful in your relationship. I am actually trying to help you see what part you play in all this, so that you can perhaps be a more effective communicator? It's so easy to class this as the 'wrong type' of guy, and it may turn out that he is just that for you, but I think it's a healthier perspective to see what we can do to alter things before we just throw the towel in - after all we can only be responsible for ourselves.

I am a big advocate of learning from the experiences we have in life in order to grow and evolve , and to become better equipped in all my relationships. I do not advocate abuse or anything that comes from that domain.

Just maybe look at yourself and see what you may be able to do to make things easier between you both, and if he doesn't follow or reciprocate, at least you know you gave it your best.

Is there some cultural differences here too? If there is that would also be a consideration.

I really do hope that things improve for you, or that you both are able to effectively communicate with each other how you feel.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[mad1nola 4]

So my husband arrived 5 days ago. I knew before he arrived that things would be complicated to a certain extent as he was hesitant to come in the first place and he had been "acting out" or "rebelling" gradually for the last 5 months prior to arrival.

Now he's here and his actions are very immature. He is doing things that my own teens don't do. Mocking, giggling, obsessed with the internet and games, etc.... Things that make you feel somewhat embarrassed to have that person as your husband.

He had one friend in the same city I live in, someone I didn't realize would become an issue, but already has. As soon as I'm home from work, he's out the door 30 minutes later, with his friend, doing who knows what. I don't have a way to contact him, other than to call his friends phone, and I honestly have no interest in chasing him around.

On day 3, he became extremely angry because the father of my children called to speak to my daughter. This is a relationship that has been over and done with for over 10 years. My husband was very much aware of this, as they are from the same city in his home country, and they know each other. He was so furious, he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore and that he did not want to be here. He left for 6 hours with his friend, then returned to get his things. I told him to at least stay the night, then in the morning he could do as he pleased. I'm not going to force him to stay. I slept in my daughters room and let him have his space.

He decided to stay but I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken much since that happened.

When I returned yesterday from work, he was preparing some food and when I walked in the door he expected that I run into his embrace and forget everything that had happened the day before. Unfortunately for him, I don't function that way. Everyone is responsible for their actions and words. Brushing your wrongdoings off is not only immature but a coward move, not to mention unattractive. He left with his friend for about 45 minutes, then returned and asked if I minded if he stayed out longer. I told him he's free to do as he wishes. He opted to stay home and I went to sleep.

I overheard a conversation between he and his cousin last evening about him needing a cell phone. I have a pre paid phone that is brand new that I was willing to connect for him. Since his actions are very unpredictable, I'm reluctant to add him to my phone contract. If he leaves I'm stuck paying an unused line for 2 years. Not going to happen. The phone has all the bells and whistles one would want ..... but he says no, he is having a family member send him money so he can get the newest Iphone. He says he doesn't want anything other than this. I cannot afford it, nor will I encourage this type of greedy lifestyle.

I'm discouraged because I thought that he would be more appreciative, more understanding and more considerate. This is not the case. I hated to have to air out my dirty laundry but I need input from people who have gone through similar situations to give me advice. I cannot count on the "give it time, maybe he will change" thing......

Oh, Sweetie,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how happy you were to have gone through this process and to finally be with the man you love. You've helped so many, including me. I will pray for you and hope that you come to a decision that is best for you and your children. You deserve to be treated like a queen; and you shouldn't settle for anything less.

God bless

[didopage 337]

I agree with Frozen Angel. Adjusting to a new country can be very difficult, and all the little things that seemed easy in his home country can be a real challenge in the US for him (funny example of my own: I cried a lot when I didn't manage to put gas in the car… yeah, these pumps are differents from the ones in my home country! The idea which came up a lot during my adjusting time was "I feel so silly here"). I also acted like a kid and did some immature crisis (well, not as much as your husband), I guess it was a way to protect myself and reject all the new challenges I had to encounter.

You need to talk with him, be patient and help him to adjust, but to also tell him that his actual behaviour is difficult to live with for you, and that he needs to react because you won't be able to bear it very long. When my now-fiance talked to me and say the word "break", I realized my behaviour was not right and everything changed since that time.

Does he have or is he looking for a job in the US? That is obviously one of the best way to adjust him to living in the US, feel integrated and be mature again.

Edited February 23, 2012 by didopage

[junikendall 1]

So you get this guy from the DR to the U.S. and he begins acting out? Has he ever visted the U.S. before? And if so has he ever acted out like so? Wow that is so immature. Now I can't sit up here and say that I'm a Saint because right now I'm using the computer and my wife is laying in the bed asleep but we've been together for a while and we will spend our time together like we always do when she wakes. This guy came and automatically started "showing out". You shouldn't let this go on, nor should you chase, but this is your husband we're talking about. You should really find out who that friend is and what the hell is he out doing with that person. I've learned being here that people use other people to coome to countries and marry them and then leave them once they get there. This isn't fair to you, to the U.S., neither to the tens of thousands of people who have been waiting and trying very hard to get into the U.S. You should have a very long talk with this boy and explain him to what goes and what doesn't go and what should be his consequences. If he can't remain in love and treat you like a woman that he loves then he shouldn't be allowed to be living with you for free (especially while trying to get an iPhone, what about a job first?) and put you through shame and hurt nor be allowed to be in the U.S. because that kinda makes him like an illegal person even if he did go through the process. That's really effed up how he could do you like that and do it so soon.

One thing I've done with my wife since we got serious in our dating relationship is to talk about any and everything that we felt - good or bad. And we've talked every single time and we'd argue and we wouldn't see all the eye every time and sometimes some things would be said that we wouldn't mean but we do this so we don't have to harden our hearts to one another and feel like we don't need to talk between ourselves when we're having doubts, trust issues, temptations etcetera. Don't ever allow him or you to become selfish with a declining lifestyle because then you guys will get used to that and begin to run to other things for comfort rather than each other and that's never really good. I had to make up in my mind that my wife would be the only one (besides really good friends or family) that I could run to and share my darkest secrets and my pain, struggles and addictions and I've told her all of it because I know that I need her for that accountability so that I never become something she never fell in love with. So try to talk to him as much as you can and if you can't get to a compromise or an understanding then you should really start making rearragements because you definitely don't need this type of behavior.

[Nero 17]

I agree with the posters who say you deserve to be treated well. Could it be that your husband is having trouble adjusting to being without work etc? maybe things might get better after he gets his greencard and can work / has a job to be responsible for? Well - unfortunately as with any marriage sometimes the true colors don't come out until later. Hang in there and know that everyone here is there for you. Take care

So my husband arrived 5 days ago. I knew before he arrived that things would be complicated to a certain extent as he was hesitant to come in the first place and he had been "acting out" or "rebelling" gradually for the last 5 months prior to arrival.

Now he's here and his actions are very immature. He is doing things that my own teens don't do. Mocking, giggling, obsessed with the internet and games, etc.... Things that make you feel somewhat embarrassed to have that person as your husband.

He had one friend in the same city I live in, someone I didn't realize would become an issue, but already has. As soon as I'm home from work, he's out the door 30 minutes later, with his friend, doing who knows what. I don't have a way to contact him, other than to call his friends phone, and I honestly have no interest in chasing him around.

On day 3, he became extremely angry because the father of my children called to speak to my daughter. This is a relationship that has been over and done with for over 10 years. My husband was very much aware of this, as they are from the same city in his home country, and they know each other. He was so furious, he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore and that he did not want to be here. He left for 6 hours with his friend, then returned to get his things. I told him to at least stay the night, then in the morning he could do as he pleased. I'm not going to force him to stay. I slept in my daughters room and let him have his space.

He decided to stay but I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken much since that happened.

When I returned yesterday from work, he was preparing some food and when I walked in the door he expected that I run into his embrace and forget everything that had happened the day before. Unfortunately for him, I don't function that way. Everyone is responsible for their actions and words. Brushing your wrongdoings off is not only immature but a coward move, not to mention unattractive. He left with his friend for about 45 minutes, then returned and asked if I minded if he stayed out longer. I told him he's free to do as he wishes. He opted to stay home and I went to sleep.

I overheard a conversation between he and his cousin last evening about him needing a cell phone. I have a pre paid phone that is brand new that I was willing to connect for him. Since his actions are very unpredictable, I'm reluctant to add him to my phone contract. If he leaves I'm stuck paying an unused line for 2 years. Not going to happen. The phone has all the bells and whistles one would want ..... but he says no, he is having a family member send him money so he can get the newest Iphone. He says he doesn't want anything other than this. I cannot afford it, nor will I encourage this type of greedy lifestyle.

I'm discouraged because I thought that he would be more appreciative, more understanding and more considerate. This is not the case. I hated to have to air out my dirty laundry but I need input from people who have gone through similar situations to give me advice. I cannot count on the "give it time, maybe he will change" thing......

[Samantha78 117]

Two things about your story seemed especially odd to me.

1. Your ex husband is an abuser but you married another man from the same country and town as your ex? And they knew eachother before?

2. You tell your husband he can do whatever he wants... like you shrug and say "whatever" but you really want to say, "stay at home and hang out with me." Why say you don't care when you do care?

You don't owe me or anyone an explanation, but I thought pointing these out (well the second really, the first is already over) might be something to think about for the future.

I wish you the best.

I completely understand your outlook on this, and on the first issue, you're not the first to have said this to me...but I felt as though this was a different story, different person, different decade. They know each other "in passing"....but are not friends by any means. I think much of this problem is the cultural difference, although I am very accustomed to their culture, I think that there are things that maybe I will never accept or understand simply because they aren't normal to me.

On the other issue...you're 100% right...I did want to say stay, but why bother if there will just be silence and awkward feeling. He comes from a country where men pretty much do as they please and they are catered to from birth. So they think they can come and go as they want....and...although I had drilled this into his skull before he had come here that this would NOT be how things work here, I knew he would try to test it out. Me telling him "do as you please" was a test and when he stayed, I knew that he was fully aware of his place.

[Samantha78 117]

I agree with the posters who say you deserve to be treated well. Could it be that your husband is having trouble adjusting to being without work etc? maybe things might get better after he gets his greencard and can work / has a job to be responsible for? Well - unfortunately as with any marriage sometimes the true colors don't come out until later. Hang in there and know that everyone here is there for you. Take care

Thanks

I know for sure that money is a problem here so SOME of the issue may stem from that. He owns a business in his country and was used to making the money he needed and being his own boss. Now he has to work under someone else and make what he is offered. He is the type of person who "likes things" so he needs money to support this. I won't and he is aware of it, but nonetheless it causes an uncomfortable feeling in the home. I set him up with all of the avenues and instructions on how to get his license, so he's working on that this week so his friend can setting him up with a driving job. Maybe that will make a difference.

[Samantha78 117]

So you get this guy from the DR to the U.S. and he begins acting out? Has he ever visted the U.S. before? And if so has he ever acted out like so? Wow that is so immature. Now I can't sit up here and say that I'm a Saint because right now I'm using the computer and my wife is laying in the bed asleep but we've been together for a while and we will spend our time together like we always do when she wakes. This guy came and automatically started "showing out". You shouldn't let this go on, nor should you chase, but this is your husband we're talking about. You should really find out who that friend is and what the hell is he out doing with that person. I've learned being here that people use other people to coome to countries and marry them and then leave them once they get there. This isn't fair to you, to the U.S., neither to the tens of thousands of people who have been waiting and trying very hard to get into the U.S. You should have a very long talk with this boy and explain him to what goes and what doesn't go and what should be his consequences. If he can't remain in love and treat you like a woman that he loves then he shouldn't be allowed to be living with you for free (especially while trying to get an iPhone, what about a job first?) and put you through shame and hurt nor be allowed to be in the U.S. because that kinda makes him like an illegal person even if he did go through the process. That's really effed up how he could do you like that and do it so soon.

One thing I've done with my wife since we got serious in our dating relationship is to talk about any and everything that we felt - good or bad. And we've talked every single time and we'd argue and we wouldn't see all the eye every time and sometimes some things would be said that we wouldn't mean but we do this so we don't have to harden our hearts to one another and feel like we don't need to talk between ourselves when we're having doubts, trust issues, temptations etcetera. Don't ever allow him or you to become selfish with a declining lifestyle because then you guys will get used to that and begin to run to other things for comfort rather than each other and that's never really good. I had to make up in my mind that my wife would be the only one (besides really good friends or family) that I could run to and share my darkest secrets and my pain, struggles and addictions and I've told her all of it because I know that I need her for that accountability so that I never become something she never fell in love with. So try to talk to him as much as you can and if you can't get to a compromise or an understanding then you should really start making rearragements because you definitely don't need this type of behavior.

I love your response.....so much truth in it. Thanks

He had shown some immaturity before, and I would correct him immediately.....he would tell me that he was sorry, that he never had such a serious relationship before, and that he is not experienced like I am, so that once he was here he would learn to be a better and more mature man. As far as the marrying to come here thing....if I were an outsider that would be the first thing I thought of looking at my post. But in our case this definitely wasn't a reason. Both of his parents (separated) live in the US and all of his siblings live here also. At any time they could have petitioned for him but he did not want to come here. He says he's only here for me.....which made me feel good. But now I'm thinking he may be expecting some praise for coming here.

I always try to talk to him and explain myself but he gets offended...again, going back to his culture, expecting women to stay hushed up and get over it. Just typing that makes me laugh!! I am the poster child for being as opposite to that as humanly possible. This week he's been home with my kids since they're on school vacation, and he is seeing how busy yet organized and sometimes hectic my life is. All he continues to say is he needs to start working soon and this would be the best bet. I plan on meeting his "friend" very soon and introducing my "non tolerant " self to him so he can see very clearly why it's better not to meddle in my life.

Is it wrong for me to feel angry because I feel like I'm having to show him how to be a husband/man?

[Samantha78 117]

I agree with Frozen Angel. Adjusting to a new country can be very difficult, and all the little things that seemed easy in his home country can be a real challenge in the US for him (funny example of my own: I cried a lot when I didn't manage to put gas in the car… yeah, these pumps are differents from the ones in my home country! The idea which came up a lot during my adjusting time was "I feel so silly here"). I also acted like a kid and did some immature crisis (well, not as much as your husband), I guess it was a way to protect myself and reject all the new challenges I had to encounter.

You need to talk with him, be patient and help him to adjust, but to also tell him that his actual behaviour is difficult to live with for you, and that he needs to react because you won't be able to bear it very long. When my now-fiance talked to me and say the word "break", I realized my behaviour was not right and everything changed since that time.

Does he have or is he looking for a job in the US? That is obviously one of the best way to adjust him to living in the US, feel integrated and be mature again.

I'm glad you guys are giving me examples from "the other side". I really really did and am still trying to be understanding but it's extremely difficult. When it goes from normal and cute to offensive my understanding option turns off. It's funny how you say you rejected things or acted in a way to reject them because of the change. I very much see this in him. Lots of rejected or refusal to believe something is one way. Perfect example: In the city I live in, we can drink the tap water. Where he lives, drinking tap water will kill you. So he sees me turn on the faucet and drink a glass of water. He quickly asks me what the hell I'm doing and I giggled.....quickly remembering that he was never able to do this. So I explain in detail how things are here. His response: "oh no, that's not true, you can't do that". I was like "what?" I live here and you're telling me no? And he keeps doing that about other things. I can understand being bewildered by things but straight out not trying to accept is a little close minded.

He does have a job lined up - but he needs his license first and he will take his permit test today. I brought him the practice book. Hopefully he can get this all done and over in the next 2 weeks or so.

Oh, Sweetie,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how happy you were to have gone through this process and to finally be with the man you love. You've helped so many, including me. I will pray for you and hope that you come to a decision that is best for you and your children. You deserve to be treated like a queen; and you shouldn't settle for anything less.

God bless

Thanks luv.......it's difficult. And again, I felt bad saying all this stuff but I refuse to act like it's all picture perfect. People need to know the truth about this adjustment period and the possibilities. I hope, if anything, this will help someone else in my same situation.

[Ben and Jill 37]

I love your response.....so much truth in it. Thanks

He had shown some immaturity before, and I would correct him immediately.....he would tell me that he was sorry, that he never had such a serious relationship before, and that he is not experienced like I am, so that once he was here he would learn to be a better and more mature man. As far as the marrying to come here thing....if I were an outsider that would be the first thing I thought of looking at my post. But in our case this definitely wasn't a reason. Both of his parents (separated) live in the US and all of his siblings live here also. At any time they could have petitioned for him but he did not want to come here. He says he's only here for me.....which made me feel good. But now I'm thinking he may be expecting some praise for coming here.

I always try to talk to him and explain myself but he gets offended...again, going back to his culture, expecting women to stay hushed up and get over it. Just typing that makes me laugh!! I am the poster child for being as opposite to that as humanly possible. This week he's been home with my kids since they're on school vacation, and he is seeing how busy yet organized and sometimes hectic my life is. All he continues to say is he needs to start working soon and this would be the best bet. I plan on meeting his "friend" very soon and introducing my "non tolerant " self to him so he can see very clearly why it's better not to meddle in my life.

Is it wrong for me to feel angry because I feel like I'm having to show him how to be a husband/man?

No, it isn't wrong to feel angry for feeling that you have to show him how to be a husband/man. He should "already" be that husband/man and he is not. How old is he, Samantha, if you don't mind me asking (not that his matters...I am only curious)? He looks young, but that really isn't an excuse for his behavior. I think his biggest issue is he is extremely immature, extremely...and it's not like you're purposely "trying to parent him"...with his behavior, one can't help it. I feel you are on a completely different maturity and emotional level than he ~ you're up on a pedastal where you belong and he's just not there.

[Samantha78 117]

I can totally hear your frustrations and disappointment whilst reading this, but rather than jump on the band wagon and just label him and your relationship with him null and void -- time to move on. perhaps I can be a little more constructive?

This is no way a judgement on you, and I can empathize with some of what you have outlined here, but whilst reading all of this I felt like you were speaking about him as though you are a parent rather than an equal partner. I know you are having some difficulties relating to some of his behaviour, but perhaps this child/parent dynamic you are experiencing is also being expressed through both of you.. I am not making you responsible for his actions, but all relationships are effected by both parties and what you are experiencing is in some way a consequence of your behaviour too.

I am not coming from this angle to make you feel bad, or legitimize any of his behaviour that you perceive as immature or unhelpful in your relationship. I am actually trying to help you see what part you play in all this, so that you can perhaps be a more effective communicator? It's so easy to class this as the 'wrong type' of guy, and it may turn out that he is just that for you, but I think it's a healthier perspective to see what we can do to alter things before we just throw the towel in - after all we can only be responsible for ourselves.

I am a big advocate of learning from the experiences we have in life in order to grow and evolve , and to become better equipped in all my relationships. I do not advocate abuse or anything that comes from that domain.

Just maybe look at yourself and see what you may be able to do to make things easier between you both, and if he doesn't follow or reciprocate, at least you know you gave it your best.

Is there some cultural differences here too? If there is that would also be a consideration.

I really do hope that things improve for you, or that you both are able to effectively communicate with each other how you feel.

Thanks for saying this....you're right, I am that type of person that would "parent" and I have been seeing that in myself also. Not something I'm proud of in this particular situation. But I feel like it's my only option given that he's acting childish. I have this vision in a husband as being a provider, protector, forceful yet understanding, and at the same time loving without being too wishy washy. In him I'm not seeing most of this and that is extremely bothersome to me. In my mind the only option is to be the authoritative one and run the show. I am trying to make some changes though...bite my tongue a little.

There are some cultural difference but I live in a city that is about 80% Latino and I've always live here. I am very familiar with all of the cultural difference but the ones that nauseate me the most are the ones having to do with the masochistic or machismo behavior. It's unacceptable to me. I'm no feminist but I won't be the quiet little honorable and disciplined housewife either. lol