Not what I had expected :(

[Samantha78 117]

No, it isn't wrong to feel angry for feeling that you have to show him how to be a husband/man. He should "already" be that husband/man and he is not. How old is he, Samantha, if you don't mind me asking (not that his matters...I am only curious)? He looks young, but that really isn't an excuse for his behavior. I think his biggest issue is he is extremely immature, extremely...and it's not like you're purposely "trying to parent him"...with his behavior, one can't help it. I feel you are on a completely different maturity and emotional level than he ~ you're up on a pedastal where you belong and he's just not there.

There is an age difference of 8 years. I'm 33 and he's 25. Yes, I know.....he's 25 and still going through his phases but in my own defense, I will say that from my many visits to see him in his country and watching him run his business and how he interacted with people....it was in a "grown" way and professional. I never in my life expected the immaturity he has been showing me here. Giggling and mocking? Ewwww....that's all I feel when I think of it.

Should I just kick myself in the butt now?

[Samantha78 117]

Posting from 'the other side' as it were, there is definitely a period of adjustment that happens for both USC and their immigrant fiancé(e)/spouse which can lead to behaviour that seems 'out of character'. When I came here, I felt very sad sometimes (I was homesick, but was surprised it happened that fast) and felt awful for feeling that way, as I was also really happy to finally be here, if that makes any sense. I felt very dependent on my husband and like a fish out of water. However, I discussed this with him and let him know the reasons, as I think it would have driven him bonkers otherwise!

If your husband's not willing to talk to you and act as part of a partnership, then I can understand why you're having doubts, especially if any behaviour is similar to that of your ex-partner. I know, sometimes, we have to adjust our expectations for the person we fell in love with, but this time should be a honeymoon period for you and, if this is happening now, I would be concerned that this behaviour would only worsen. Strange behaviour every now and then might suggest difficulties with adjustment but acting like this all the time - not good!

One thing I would add – I understand why you'd expect him to act more considerate, thoughtful and appreciative, but please realise that he may have the same expectations and feel that things aren't as he expected either (and I'm not saying you're not being, just to be clear – just that his perception may be different to yours, and playing devil's advocate).

I hope you're able to come to a solution that feels right for you.

L

Thank you and I was thinking about this last night. I think he does/did have certain expectations to be treated a certain way. I have no idea what those were but I'm sure he had something in mind. Knowing him, most of it probably had to do with money or buying things. His culture is big on showing off what you have. So maybe he wanted some gifts or a huge shopping spree so he could tell everyone back home all of the things he got. Life for them is really relies on what you have in order to place you in a certain status in society. I on the other hand could care less about impressing anyone with material things. I'm not a materialistic person by any means. This portion alone will be a huge struggle between he and I.

[Samantha78 117]

Love isn't who you can live with, it's who you can't live without, and you lived until now without him and believe me you will be able to live without him,because you are better of off him!. You suffered abuse before and you know how abusers act, then please take charge of your life and kick his ####!You deserve better don't forget that.

He is spending more time with his friends than with you,more time playing games than with you. I am convinced you dreamed of a life filled with joy and love.Love is kind,love is not selfish,love is not arrogant,love is joy,love it does not seek its own. Stop a bit and ask yourself Am I living/getting that? as soon you find the answer take action and do not allow others to take charge of your life.

May the Lord bless you and keep you safe.

I operate a non profit organization;please don't be a statistic

http://www.wix.com/s...cv/pearlproject

Amen!!! Without going into too much detail I will say that I have thought about these questions as a routine coping technique and after a while, with the tension and anxiety of the visa process topped with life itself, teens, work, my health, etc.....the answers began to become foggy and unclear to me, when just 1 year ago I could answer all of these instantly and in a sure manner. I think I've lost myself a little, but I am working on finding my purpose and reevaluating my goals again so that I will have that inner strength I need to make the best decisions in this situation as well as others I am faced with.

[Ben and Jill 37]

There is an age difference of 8 years. I'm 33 and he's 25. Yes, I know.....he's 25 and still going through his phases but in my own defense, I will say that from my many visits to see him in his country and watching him run his business and how he interacted with people....it was in a "grown" way and professional. I never in my life expected the immaturity he has been showing me here. Giggling and mocking? Ewwww....that's all I feel when I think of it.

Should I just kick myself in the butt now?

No...you should not kick yourself in the butt . Just because he's 25 doesn't give him the excuse to act like he's 12, lol. I was only asking out of curiousity...nothing more. I am 8 years older than Ben...age is nothing but a number...not an excuse to act immature, selfish, etc.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Ben and Jill

[Samantha78 117]

While there is a period of adjustment for all of us non USC, there is absolutely no excuse for childish behaviour, manipulation and downright disrespect. I do not get how your husband thinks his behaviour is acceptable because he is having a hard time with adjusting, and staying out with a friend all the time, giggling like a little girl, playing games all day, wanting a 'fancy' phone etc does not in any way help the situation. He seems really immature and incapable of handling his relationship like an adult.

I have had many sad days when I get homesick and hate being here, but have never felt the need to punish my husband for it, nor take out what I'm feeling on him. If anything, he has been a source of comfort. I tell him when I just want to be left alone, and when I am having a bad day - but I have never resorted to childish manipulation.

As you know, this is such a long and painful process for all of us here, so at the very least - your husband should respect you enough to behave like an adult and talk about whatever it is he is going through.

I feel badly for you, and hope that you will not continue to endure unnecessary heartache. Hope it all works out.

Thank you - It has been hell, the entire process. My visa process in particular was extremely difficult and more expensive than it should have been. I almost lost my home In October/November 2011 because I couldn't make ends meet but somehow found a way to overcome this. I was hoping when he arrived that I would finally have someone to share the burden and make my life a little easier, while we were happy together. It's too early to say if that will happen, but this sure isn't a good start :/

[Samantha78 117]

No...you should not kick yourself in the butt . Just because he's 25 doesn't give him the excuse to act like he's 12, lol. I was only asking out of curiousity...nothing more. I am 8 years older than Ben...age is nothing but a number...not an excuse to act immature, selfish, etc.

lol...that's right!!! There are many 25 years olds that are mature for their age. There is no excuse.

[BocaChicaBabe 6]

While there is a period of adjustment for all of us non USC, there is absolutely no excuse for childish behaviour, manipulation and downright disrespect. I do not get how your husband thinks his behaviour is acceptable because he is having a hard time with adjusting, and staying out with a friend all the time, giggling like a little girl, playing games all day, wanting a 'fancy' phone etc does not in any way help the situation. He seems really immature and incapable of handling his relationship like an adult.

I have had many sad days when I get homesick and hate being here, but have never felt the need to punish my husband for it, nor take out what I'm feeling on him. If anything, he has been a source of comfort. I tell him when I just want to be left alone, and when I am having a bad day - but I have never resorted to childish manipulation.

As you know, this is such a long and painful process for all of us here, so at the very least - your husband should respect you enough to behave like an adult and talk about whatever it is he is going through.

I feel badly for you, and hope that you will not continue to endure unnecessary heartache. Hope it all works out.

EXACTLY!! I completely understand the adjustment period can be difficult for some and that everyone handles their adjustment differently. However, I never liked how people always want to use that as an excuse to dismiss the way the beneficiary is acting. Homesick or not, there is NEVER any justification for such ridiculous behavior and disrespect. Blatant disrespect is NEVER acceptable under any circumstances! He’s a grown man who should have the ability to communicate any issues he may be having during this and any other tough time. And if at any particular moment he’d prefer not to discuss everything because he needs his space, then he should be mature enough to say that but still open himself up to possibly talking about it later. He needs to understand that communication is extremely important and it’s the only way you’re going to know what he’s going through so you can work together to help him through it. It does no good to act out and make everyone around him miserable, because it’s never going to change the fact that he’s here and has to face dealing with the life he chose to start in another country. That type of behavior only makes his transition harder for everyone.

I find it strange that he’s not even been here a whole week and already things are awkward in your home. Within only DAYS of his arrival there were problems. Again, I understand the adjustment period, but he just got here and it doesn’t even seem like he’s attempted to make a smooth transition. If it’s a situation where he doesn’t like that he has to rely on you, well he knew that going into this that that would be the case at least in the very beginning. So he should have accepted by now that he’s going to need you for some things until he can be completely independent. Also, you guys haven’t seen each other in months, yet he always feels a need to go out with a friend? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to spend most of his time with you since he hasn’t seen you in so long. Why is his friend getting more of his time than you are? I understand some people are more comfortable with their space and talking about their problems with friends, but talking to others rather than talking to your spouse will never solves your problems with one another. You should be the one he's coming to with his problems.

People always excuse it as being due to the stress of the visa process and the distance and adjusting to a new world. I notice people are quick to defend the actions of the beneficiary because they are going through so much. And I understand it’s not easy for them, but it’s not easy for the petitioner either. We go through a hell of a lot too, making sacrifices and adjustments and somehow what we’re dealing with gets overshadowed by what the beneficiary is dealing with. Both parties are stressed and worried for different reasons. People suggest being patient and understanding with the beneficiary, which I completely agree with. But the beneficiary also has to realize that they need to do the same in return. The beneficiary doesn’t get a pass to make life together harder than it has to be because they left their country/friends/family. They still need to maintain a level of respect and consideration just as would be expected out of someone else. It takes two to make it work. And if one is trying to make things work while the other is doing nothing but adding more problems to an already difficult situation, then it’s not going to work. You said you expected some of this because there were signs prior to his arrival. There is certain behavior that comes from an adjustment period. And then there’s behavior that’s just part of that person’s character and it’s never going to change. People show you who they truly are and it’s up to us to not be blind to it. People say if the love is strong enough then it will work out. I’ve always said sometimes love just isn’t enough. As MCMLXXXII said, it takes more than love to maintain a relationship/marriage.

Yes, things are difficult to a certain extent, but they should NEVER be unbearable to a point where you don’t feel you can relax in your own home and you have to sleep in your daughter’s room rather than in your own bed with your husband. Every couple has their issues every now and again, but when you live together and don’t speak for long periods of time and you’re avoiding each other so early on, that’s a problem. I’m with Steph and I strongly believe it’s all about knowing your worth and never settling for less than you truly deserve. You have worked way too hard and gone through way too much to get him here and the fact that he seems to be showing no appreciation or consideration is unacceptable to me. From the tone of your status updates and the way you stood up for yourself in certain threads, I gathered you were not one to tolerate BS from anyone. So why start now? Why accept it from your husband, when even your children have enough sense not to act that way?

I agree with others in saying definitely give it time and work on it and see where things go. But definitely don’t waste too much time trying to convince yourself to stay because you believe it’s only the stress of the situation making him act that way. You need to consider how much you’re willing to put up with and how long you’re willing to wait to see changes. He needs to be made aware that like him, you’re also making sacrifices and going through an adjustment period, and you will NOT accept disrespect/selfishness/inconsideration on top of all of that. Also you need to consider how this affects your children. They’ve gone from a situation where it was just them and mom in the house to now living with a man that’s upsetting their mother. I know you will get through this and do what’s best for you and your children.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for saying this....you're right, I am that type of person that would "parent" and I have been seeing that in myself also. Not something I'm proud of in this particular situation. But I feel like it's my only option given that he's acting childish. I have this vision in a husband as being a provider, protector, forceful yet understanding, and at the same time loving without being too wishy washy. In him I'm not seeing most of this and that is extremely bothersome to me. In my mind the only option is to be the authoritative one and run the show. I am trying to make some changes though...bite my tongue a little.

There are some cultural difference but I live in a city that is about 80% Latino and I've always live here. I am very familiar with all of the cultural difference but the ones that nauseate me the most are the ones having to do with the masochistic or machismo behavior. It's unacceptable to me. I'm no feminist but I won't be the quiet little honorable and disciplined housewife either. lol

I too think that this is a parent/child relationship.

On the one hand you say the above (bolded) but in other posts you say things like "I correct him", "I will meet his friend and show him my intolerant self". You want him to be a certain way and he's not. You're hoping to TRAIN him to act the way you want him to act. You want him to be the leader (bolded above) and yet you're the one that tells him how things will be and tell him what behaviour you will and won't accept and how he SHOULD behaving. You won't allow him to be the leader because you're not happy with the way he wants to live, so you want him to be the leader in the manner YOU want to be led... that's not how it works.

If this was at the start of a normal relationship you wouldn't be together because it's obvious you're not compatible. You married HIM and now you're trying to change him into how you think he should be. You idealised how you thought he was and in reality he's not what or who you thought he was. Now you're trying to "fix" him to make it better for YOU.

I'm not trying to insult you. It's obvious your intentions are good and either you were fooled, or you just ignored the obvious and looked for what you wanted, rather than what was there.

I am the immigrant. Yes times were hard because of missing home but FIVE DAYS in and he's acting like this? No it's not normal, it's not even normal for homesickness. This isn't how someone who is happy to FINALLY be with you acts. You admit he was acting out and doing silly things before he got here, that's his "out". He showed you how things were going to be and you ignored them. If you tell him you don't want to continue he probably won't care at all (unless he needs time to find somewhere else to live). He will probably move in with his friend and everything will continue for him to go on the way it is right now.

You're hoping you can still "fix" him but it's unlikely that you will. He needs to WANT to change and it doesn't sound like he does. He needs to WANT to make you happy, and it appears his happiness is more important. By all means give it time. Sit down with him but it's likely he will change for a little while and then revert when he doesn't get what he wants.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Samantha78 117]

EXACTLY!! I completely understand the adjustment period can be difficult for some and that everyone handles their adjustment differently. However, I never liked how people always want to use that as an excuse to dismiss the way the beneficiary is acting. Homesick or not, there is NEVER any justification for such ridiculous behavior and disrespect. Blatant disrespect is NEVER acceptable under any circumstances! He's a grown man who should have the ability to communicate any issues he may be having during this and any other tough time. And if at any particular moment he'd prefer not to discuss everything because he needs his space, then he should be mature enough to say that but still open himself up to possibly talking about it later. He needs to understand that communication is extremely important and it's the only way you're going to know what he's going through so you can work together to help him through it. It does no good to act out and make everyone around him miserable, because it's never going to change the fact that he's here and has to face dealing with the life he chose to start in another country. That type of behavior only makes his transition harder for everyone.

Thanks for the in depth response. He's not a good communicator by any means. I noticed this the moment I received the interview letter. I was just walking into my house after getting off the plane from visiting him, saw the letter and called him immediately. He was very "vanilla" about it and I expected some type of excitement. I asked him if everything was ok and he was a bit defensive so I just brushed it off...I was too happy. After this had happened a few more times I had to get to the bottom of why he was always so blahhh about good news. It basically stems from being abandoned by his parents. He has a difficult time with showing excitement, even though he feels it, because he does not want to be let down. I could relate and it was ok....but its not often he opens up about personal stuff like this. He was taught to keep in inside.

I find it strange that he's not even been here a whole week and already things are awkward in your home. Within only DAYS of his arrival there were problems. Again, I understand the adjustment period, but he just got here and it doesn't even seem like he's attempted to make a smooth transition. If it's a situation where he doesn't like that he has to rely on you, well he knew that going into this that that would be the case at least in the very beginning. So he should have accepted by now that he's going to need you for some things until he can be completely independent. Also, you guys haven't seen each other in months, yet he always feels a need to go out with a friend? I don't understand why he wouldn't want to spend most of his time with you since he hasn't seen you in so long. Why is his friend getting more of his time than you are? I understand some people are more comfortable with their space and talking about their problems with friends, but talking to others rather than talking to your spouse will never solves your problems with one another. You should be the one he's coming to with his problems.

I thought the same thing...he knew he would have to rely on me for some portion of time. His friend is a bachelor and only sees Jensy as a person he can act like a show off with. He wants to show off his cars and motorcycle and lifestyle....so, that's getting nipped in the bud. And I hate when he talks to other people who are clearly biased, seeking advice. Obviously he will get bad advice. Like the night he left my house....the first thing his friend offered was a place to stay. Bad company for sure.

People always excuse it as being due to the stress of the visa process and the distance and adjusting to a new world. I notice people are quick to defend the actions of the beneficiary because they are going through so much. And I understand it's not easy for them, but it's not easy for the petitioner either. We go through a hell of a lot too, making sacrifices and adjustments and somehow what we're dealing with gets overshadowed by what the beneficiary is dealing with. Both parties are stressed and worried for different reasons. People suggest being patient and understanding with the beneficiary, which I completely agree with. But the beneficiary also has to realize that they need to do the same in return. The beneficiary doesn't get a pass to make life together harder than it has to be because they left their country/friends/family. They still need to maintain a level of respect and consideration just as would be expected out of someone else. It takes two to make it work. And if one is trying to make things work while the other is doing nothing but adding more problems to an already difficult situation, then it's not going to work. You said you expected some of this because there were signs prior to his arrival. There is certain behavior that comes from an adjustment period. And then there's behavior that's just part of that person's character and it's never going to change. People show you who they truly are and it's up to us to not be blind to it. People say if the love is strong enough then it will work out. I've always said sometimes love just isn't enough. As MCMLXXXII said, it takes more than love to maintain a relationship/marriage.

I know.....how is it that the Bene is almost always overlooked. It's a huge change for us as well, not only them. I've been through hell and back....to even have that overlooked for a second bothers me. You're right about certain behaviors. I realize that he is not going to change in some areas, but they all are based on immature behavior or behavior that stems from having no responsibility in life. Once he works and pays real bills and has to learn to save money and make his own food and pour his own drink and fend for himself....I HOPE he will snap out of the baby mode he's in now.

Yes, things are difficult to a certain extent, but they should NEVER be unbearable to a point where you don't feel you can relax in your own home and you have to sleep in your daughter's room rather than in your own bed with your husband. Every couple has their issues every now and again, but when you live together and don't speak for long periods of time and you're avoiding each other so early on, that's a problem. I'm with Steph and I strongly believe it's all about knowing your worth and never settling for less than you truly deserve. You have worked way too hard and gone through way too much to get him here and the fact that he seems to be showing no appreciation or consideration is unacceptable to me. From the tone of your status updates and the way you stood up for yourself in certain threads, I gathered you were not one to tolerate BS from anyone. So why start now? Why accept it from your husband, when even your children have enough sense not to act that way?

I am a no nonsense kind of woman....and for those who know me very well, they are making bets that this marriage will end because of my authoritative and independent ways. So, I was trying to back off a little and allow him to wear the pants...but if he can't maintain that place, I have no choice to take over. I will not have chaos in my life. This is as bad as its going to get. Believe me. My tolerance level is always low but for some things I give a little slack. I did this here and I feel ashamed but I also felt obligated to do so. It sounds weird.

I agree with others in saying definitely give it time and work on it and see where things go. But definitely don't waste too much time trying to convince yourself to stay because you believe it's only the stress of the situation making him act that way. You need to consider how much you're willing to put up with and how long you're willing to wait to see changes. He needs to be made aware that like him, you're also making sacrifices and going through an adjustment period, and you will NOT accept disrespect/selfishness/inconsideration on top of all of that. Also you need to consider how this affects your children. They've gone from a situation where it was just them and mom in the house to now living with a man that's upsetting their mother. I know you will get through this and do what's best for you and your children.

My kids are actually telling me to give him time to get adjusted, but in the beginning, when he was acting out, my daughter told him that if he didn't like it here maybe he shouldn't stay. Not in a rude way but in a truthful way. I'm thankful they're old enough to see things in a clearer way and not feel jealous or defensive. They are giving me my time to see if this is right . Either way they are behind me.

[Samantha78 117]

I too think that this is a parent/child relationship.

On the one hand you say the above (bolded) but in other posts you say things like "I correct him", "I will meet his friend and show him my intolerant self". You want him to be a certain way and he's not. You're hoping to TRAIN him to act the way you want him to act. You want him to be the leader (bolded above) and yet you're the one that tells him how things will be and tell him what behaviour you will and won't accept and how he SHOULD behaving. You won't allow him to be the leader because you're not happy with the way he wants to live, so you want him to be the leader in the manner YOU want to be led... that's not how it works.

If this was at the start of a normal relationship you wouldn't be together because it's obvious you're not compatible. You married HIM and now you're trying to change him into how you think he should be. You idealised how you thought he was and in reality he's not what or who you thought he was. Now you're trying to "fix" him to make it better for YOU.

I'm not trying to insult you. It's obvious your intentions are good and either you were fooled, or you just ignored the obvious and looked for what you wanted, rather than what was there.

I am the immigrant. Yes times were hard because of missing home but FIVE DAYS in and he's acting like this? No it's not normal, it's not even normal for homesickness. This isn't how someone who is happy to FINALLY be with you acts. You admit he was acting out and doing silly things before he got here, that's his "out". He showed you how things were going to be and you ignored them. If you tell him you don't want to continue he probably won't care at all (unless he needs time to find somewhere else to live). He will probably move in with his friend and everything will continue for him to go on the way it is right now.

You're hoping you can still "fix" him but it's unlikely that you will. He needs to WANT to change and it doesn't sound like he does. He needs to WANT to make you happy, and it appears his happiness is more important. By all means give it time. Sit down with him but it's likely he will change for a little while and then revert when he doesn't get what he wants.

I have no choice but to show him what I want and in order for him to be a leader. The way he knows and what he's accustomed to won't work with me or in this country in general. So I'm giving him the "tools", he needs to figure out how to use them and what to do. I don't want to have to do this but if I don't show him, who will? His friends? His absent parents? He has no good role models so I'm left with the responsibility to show him what I WANT AND EXPECT as well as what the real world will expect and tolerate. I already know what he wants and expects, and most of that will be attained through his own hard work and change. I will do the sit downs and explain and talk and do my part...by if what many people are saying actually happens, that he will not change, then that will be the end of it. I'm assuming he wouldn't want to be with someone who he wasn't in it 100% with either. And if we came to that mutual agreement, then I would take the steps to finalize it.

I knew he had some quirky things about him that I wasn't in love with, but we all have that, so I was willing to try. What pushed that over the edge was when he got here and almost immediately felt as though everyone should understand what he's going through, but he can't do the same for others (myself). It's a 2 way street. I can put up with some things, but being unappreciative is not one of those. When he became angry because the father of my children called for them, this was absurd. His reaction to it was even more absurd.. He wants understanding, so it must be given in return.

He has recently said that he now sees how difficult it is for me here as a single mother, the tremendous responsibility I have, and that he can understand things more now than when he was back home. He claims he wants to make life easier for both of us and plans to do this when he starts to work. I gave him a very small window of time to get a job as I don't see a need for him to sit home and relax while I work, when he has the green light per his stamped passport. The plan is, that within the next few weeks he will begin a job. It's a waiting game, a gamble, every step of the way.

Edited February 23, 2012 by sam&jensi

[V & A 0]

I tend to agree with Bocachicababe... to blame his immature behavior in "adjusting" is just a HUGE excuse. He might have attachment issues like you say but then you need to look within yourself and ask why do you choose these types of men? you are not a trained Psychiatrist to deal with such a big psychological disorders he might have according to you (trust issues etc)... Then you say it is a cultural situation!!!! Just because you have dealt with two men with similar standards from the same Barrio does not talk for all of us. If a man just cares for the latest phones the latest Jordans right from the first day i would know that he wants nothing but to live that airhead lifestyle while they tell their friends "they have a vieja in US I'm not saying that that is your case but we are HIGH FRAUD COUNTRY. People do file for cousins, for people who pay them and last but not least men and women down there would disguise themselves as the "ultimate lover" and ask for money or just want PAPERS.... a men asks for money in DR (where MACHISMO would never allow them to ask for one peso ) trust me they do not respect you and never will!! plain and simple... Men in DR who value their women would never allow them to pay for NOTHING! that is our culture and hopefully you know people with different standards and know we are not all the same. Everyone would be homesick!!! but hello!!!! leave you in your "honeymoon stage" the first week of him being here without even saying where he is going!!!! HUGE RED FLAG... you are not his mom and you need a men who you do not need to "lead in the right direction" you need a partner... He was not happy in every step of the way? why did you keep filing and going through all of this? why didn't you say ok stay down there i'm not moving down there so bye bye! You can't give and give and just expect people to give back. Someone doesn't give you in return ADIOS... Otherwise we put ourselves out there to get hurt and disappointed. I believe in being responsible for our own actions. It might seem paranoid but I know of too many stories to not be very careful with these types of men We always think that wouldn't happen to me; he is different!!! but usually we are the norm and we have to be CAREFUL. If my husband asks for one dollar I stop this process right now! why? because in my culture the man is the man and I have to let him be the man and solve his own issues. Of course women usually cook and clean and all of that more than men but usually men are the ones who want to work (provide) the first day they get here and not doing so would really frustrate them (that I would believe is an adjusting issue). I really care for you an hopefully you see that in no way i'm trying to be rude or anything but listen to your heart and ask yourself if you are ready to deal with three teenagers. Adjusting can he hard obviously but this is just out of the ordinary.

[Orando 57]

Hi, just wanted to say you all are good looking people in your pictures and I hope it works out for you!

From a cultural perspective, when I read your story, it reminds me of the behavior of many, many men in Colombia. The women in Colombia have to tolerate and support so much with their men, I mention to my wife on occasion that American women do not put up with too much nonsense from men for too long and the way that many Latin Men treat their women, not going to fly with a lot of American Women. She loves this quality of american women and she has so much admiration for American women in this regard, crazy. Generally speaking, it seems American Women are not compatible with Latin Men born and raised in Latin America, of course there are exceptions and success stories. You are very aware of the Latin Culture so if your husband can man-up a little, that would be awesome, getting a job, starting to contribute, all good stuff. I mentioned your story to my wife and without me saying he was from the DR, she guessed he was latino and she said he would never change, I disagree with my wife in this regard, but that was her reaction. She is from Barranquilla, Colombia and the men there are something else, the way the men treat the women there just blows my mind, it is such a cultural difference from the US. So I hear you, I would disagree with a lot of posters here and would say based on my experience in Latin America, your husband's behavior is more the norm than the exception. If he can stay faithful to you and be a one woman guy, that is more than half the battle and you should be well on your way to a happy marriage.

When he says he has not been in a serious relationship with a woman like you and you have more experience than him, do you believe him, I could believe that given my experience with Latin America? He may just not know any better or different.

[In<3 11]

I have to agree with V just because you have had bad experencies with men from the same culture doesn't mean that every male from DR are the same. I don't believe that our culture or our country lets men do as they please.. in any culture if you let any person do whatever they please they will it has nothing to do with their culture..

[V & A 0]

Hi, just wanted to say you all are good looking people in your pictures and I hope it works out for you!

From a cultural perspective, when I read your story, it reminds me of the behavior of many, many men in Colombia. The women in Colombia have to tolerate and support so much with their men, I mention to my wife on occasion that American women do not put up with too much nonsense from men for too long and the way that many Latin Men treat their women, not going to fly with a lot of American Women. She loves this quality of american women and she has so much admiration for American women in this regard, crazy. Generally speaking, it seems American Women are not compatible with Latin Men born and raised in Latin America, of course there are exceptions and success stories. You are very aware of the Latin Culture so if your husband can man-up a little, that would be awesome, getting a job, starting to contribute, all good stuff. I mentioned your story to my wife and without me saying he was from the DR, she guessed he was latino and she said he would never change, I disagree with my wife in this regard, but that was her reaction. She is from Barranquilla, Colombia and the men there are something else, the way the men treat the women there just blows my mind, it is such a cultural difference from the US. So I hear you, I would disagree with a lot of posters here and would say based on my experience in Latin America, your husband's behavior is more the norm than the exception. If he can stay faithful to you and be a one woman guy, that is more than half the battle and you should be well on your way to a happy marriage.

When he says he has not been in a serious relationship with a woman like you and you have more experience than him, do you believe him, I could believe that given my experience with Latin America? He may just not know any better or different.

Of course she will say that I'm guessing you are not Latin American and that's why she is bashing her own while making you feel good. Sam has not said anything about cheating. If you look at statistics you are just as likely to cheat. More than 50% of marriages in US end in divorce not necessarily for infidelity but the percentage is way lower in other countries. According to a journal I read some time ago Spain is at the top of the stats in infidelity...who knows if that is true but categorizing us all is not adequate either. People also say that Latin Americans are the most passionate people and North Americans Europeans are cold in every sense of the word... do you also believe that? Is about your values who raised you, if your parents were good examples or not. It is way more complicated than to blame it on Our Latin American men. If they are so bad why most petitions are for them? hummmmmmm.... and don't take it personal every relationship is different and we know in the bottom of our hearts if someone is worth it or not understanding someones culture is great too I do agree with that but is not only MEN who people talk about men could also be victims...

Edited February 24, 2012 by V & A

[Orando 57]

Of course she will say that I'm guessing you are not Latin American and that's why she is bashing her own while making you feel good. Sam has not said anything about cheating. If you look at statistics you are just as likely to cheat. More than 50% of marriages in US end in divorce not necessarily for infidelity but the percentage is way lower in other countries. According to a journal I read some time ago Spain is at the top of the stats in infidelity...who knows if that is true but categorizing us all is not adequate either. People also say that Latin Americans are the most passionate people and North Americans Europeans are cold in every sense of the word... do you also believe that? Is about your values who raised you, if your parents were good examples or not. It is way more complicated than to blame it on Our Latin American men. If they are so bad why most petitions are for them? hummmmmmm.... and don't take it personal every relationship is different and we know in the bottom of our hearts if someone is worth it or not understanding someones culture is great too I do agree with that but is not only MEN who people talk about men could also be victims...

I am just saying, I have many Latin Friends, been a part of the Latin Culture, dated a lot of latinas, lived in latin american countries, to deny that Machismo and its qualities are not a phenomenon in Latin America would be to have blinders on and to dismiss a very real part of the latin culture. There are descent latinos as well, I know several, and there are several in wife's family that are good husbands. You would have to know my wife and would have to know Barranquilla, Colombia where she comes from to understand.

To deny the materialistic, greedy side of the American culture would also be to have blinders on. To deny the family oriented and centered side of the latin culture would be to have blinders on. To deny certain cultural realities is not useful to me.

It doesn't make me feel good to hear of Machismo, that is not why my wife tells me the reality of the situation to make me feel good, that is a childish way to view a very serious matter, not all the men are like that and yes, there are plenty of cut-throat, green card female sharks swimming in the Latin American Ocean. I have run into several myself when I was still on the hunt.

Please note that I used generally in my comments, there are always exceptions to the rule, but societies have general, customary norms in the society, Machismo is a a part of latin american society. To make an argument to deny that does not carry any water with any latin americans that I know.

When you marry the person, you marry their culture and a person just has to deal with it. The OP married a 25 year old male from the DR who has never been in a serious relationship with a woman like her before. Now she is dealing with the ramifications of this.