Feeling unbearably depressed and homesick

[Howins 37]

Hi all, I don’t really know where to start but I’m basically at my breaking point due to the stress of AOS, acclimating to living in the US, Covid-19 and homesickness after coming here on a K-1.
 

I’m home alone all day. I’ve recently received my combo card, but I’ve not found any work yet. I can’t get my driver’s licence as the DMV is closed (not that we could afford a second car anyway) and there’s nothing really walkable where we live. 

I’m really struggling to fit into the American way to life and lockdown has made it nearly impossible to make new friends. 

 

I moved in October of last year and haven’t been able to go home yet. I expected a six month wait before I would get my AP through and so be able to travel — but the pandemic has made it even more complicated. 

 

I miss home desperately but I’m terrified to fly in case I’m turned away when I try to return with just an AP. I’m also terrified to fly home in case I pick up Covid-19 from another passenger, as cases are skyrocketing in the US. I would be quarantining with my sister once I arrived back in the UK, and she’s pregnant. I couldn’t risk putting her in danger.

 

I’m so depressed, it’s almost unbearable. I just want to go home and see my family. I’m really not enjoying my life here like I thought I would.

 

I never thought this would happen to me — I travelled to the States frequently before I decided to move here and always loved it, and I really didn’t expect to miss home this much. 
 

Lockdown has made things more difficult and I know that, and that’s what I try to tell myself when I get really down — but the uncertainty of everything is a real killer. I have no idea how long my green card might take and I don’t know if it’s safe to travel on AP or during the pandemic.

 

My husband tries his best to be supportive but it’s hard for him to understand why I’m so depressed when we worked so hard to be together, and I can’t really explain it to him. I don’t tell anyone at home how miserable I am because I don’t want them to worry, and I try to play it down when around my husband’s family in case I sound like I’m being over dramatic. 

 

I’m sorry this is such a bummer of a post, and I know everyone on here is going through/has gone through something similar and I shouldn’t whine about it. I’m really trying to put on a stiff upper lip but I just don’t know how long I can keep a lid on it.

 

I figured if anyone would understand, it would be you guys.

 

Thank you for the venting space, it really helps.

[Allaboutwaiting 2,503]

I'm truly sorry you're going through this. 

 

It is understandable you feel this way. Moving to a different country is never easy; this unexpected worldwide crisis makes it even more difficult.

I think we are all overwhelmed in one way or another, and we long for happier times and familiar places.

Things get harder if your current life differs highly from what you were used to and if you tend to be more sensitive. 

 

I hope this depression is just a stage. Feel free to send me a message if you feel like talking. 😊

[thatguyuknow 147]

If you’ve worked all your life it’s going to be hard. I was idle for 5 months over the summer last year and was practically pulling the walls down. Did a lot of cooking, fishing,  swimming and bought a bike, things I never had time for before. 
 

I was lucky, I’m really close with my in-laws and they are so kind to me. I just did what they did and followed along. They would regularly pick me up to do stuff when my partner was at work. Even my partners grandfather would pick me up and we’d go mootchin around loving life. Maybe try and get in with your in-laws?

 

When  you do get a job and you like it, boy does it feel good. I’ve been at my  job since aug 19 and already been promoted. Working here is so much better than the uk. Geez, I used to struggle to go to work when I worked in the uk, everyone is so miserable at work, it would bring me down. 
 

You  have some  big, exciting things coming! This covid business does suck but that’ll pass. If you want maybe apply for some remote work jobs?

[Howins 37]

13 hours ago, Allaboutwaiting said:

I'm truly sorry you're going through this. 

 

It is understandable you feel this way. Moving to a different country is never easy; this unexpected worldwide crisis makes it even more difficult.

I think we are all overwhelmed in one way or another, and we long for happier times and familiar places.

Things get harder if your current life differs highly from what you were used to and if you tend to be more sensitive. 

 

I hope this depression is just a stage. Feel free to send me a message if you feel like talking. 😊

I think it's depression due to the circumstances and I'm hoping it will ease as things start to get better.

 

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate the offer to talk. Makes me feel a lot less alone.

[Howins 37]

8 hours ago, thatguyuknow said:

If you’ve worked all your life it’s going to be hard. I was idle for 5 months over the summer last year and was practically pulling the walls down. Did a lot of cooking, fishing,  swimming and bought a bike, things I never had time for before. 
 

I was lucky, I’m really close with my in-laws and they are so kind to me. I just did what they did and followed along. They would regularly pick me up to do stuff when my partner was at work. Even my partners grandfather would pick me up and we’d go mootchin around loving life. Maybe try and get in with your in-laws?

 

When  you do get a job and you like it, boy does it feel good. I’ve been at my  job since aug 19 and already been promoted. Working here is so much better than the uk. Geez, I used to struggle to go to work when I worked in the uk, everyone is so miserable at work, it would bring me down. 
 

You  have some  big, exciting things coming! This covid business does suck but that’ll pass. If you want maybe apply for some remote work jobs?

Thank you. I am hoping I'll be able to pick up some remote or freelance work, it's just a bad time for everyone at the moment. But you're right, I've never not worked before and it's so miserable not to have anything to do. I've been really lucky with my career back home so I miss it quite a bit.

 

We aren't very close (proximity-wise) to my in-laws unfortunately, but I do try to speak to family (both here and at home) regularly over the phone and Zoom. I'm hoping I'll be able to maybe see more people now that things are cautiously opening up. I think this is just a case of everything feeling like it's suddenly getting on top of me.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps to know it gets better.

[carmel34 3,638]

So sorry to hear that you are going through such a struggle, the transition to life in the USA has so many challenges so you're not alone.  I can relate because of what my husband has been going through these last 11 months since he arrived on a CR-1 spousal visa.  We were planning a trip to Brazil so he could see his family in August, a year after he left, but the flights were cancelled because of the pandemic so we have postponed the trip indefinitely.  The first few months he was here were really difficult, he was very homesick and missed his family, friends, job, culture, food, climate, basically everything.  Even though he didn't have to go through AOS, he had never driven a car before, and we live too far from any potential jobs, so we started on his driver's license and it has been an odyssey--written test took three tries to pass, then since last November he has been learning to drive a car with the learner's permit and he was terrified of California traffic at first.  He has tried the road test twice and nearly passed last week, maybe the third time will be the charm as they say, then he will be able to drive and finally get a job once the economy improves.  Fortunately he has a part-time remote job which has helped to keep him busy and earning money.  When I saw how homesick he was last year I got him some help--I found a really good therapist from Brazil who was able to help him work through his adjustment anxiety and homesickness.  He also found a good English teacher and had regular online lessons to the point that now he doesn't need them anymore, and his English is progressing nicely with the daily lessons we do together.  He speaks to his family and friends daily by phone or video call which has really helped.  Most of all, we love each other and our relationship has blossomed and grown even stronger during the pandemic.  I encourage you to get professional help if you feel depressed, it can make a huge positive difference.  Good luck and all the best to you OP!

[TOtoVA 4]

11 hours ago, Howins said:

Thank you. I am hoping I'll be able to pick up some remote or freelance work, it's just a bad time for everyone at the moment. But you're right, I've never not worked before and it's so miserable not to have anything to do. I've been really lucky with my career back home so I miss it quite a bit.

 

We aren't very close (proximity-wise) to my in-laws unfortunately, but I do try to speak to family (both here and at home) regularly over the phone and Zoom. I'm hoping I'll be able to maybe see more people now that things are cautiously opening up. I think this is just a case of everything feeling like it's suddenly getting on top of me.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps to know it gets better.

So sorry to hear this. Where abouts in the US are you? There might be a regional forum you can post to find people in the same boat as you (we are many) 

[yoda one for me 322]

Hey, friend. I feel you.

 

I'm not 'homesick' per se, I don't miss Britain at all and while it sucks that my family haven't been able to visit, I'm in no hurry to travel myself. What's been getting me down is the limbo of Covid-19. I was excited to start living my actual life when my greencard was on the horizon but lockdown has extended the feel of that K-1 limbo period. I have my green card but the pandemic has me scared to do much (especially with cases rising in my state). The isolation has been a huge knock on my confidence so I'm wary of even trying to freelance right now. It's rough, and you're definitely not alone. I know I'm not too, but it sometimes just feels like a lot, you know?

 

Feel free to message me if you'd like another Brit friend We're not geographically close, but sometimes just knowing you can reach out to someone in the same situation helps a lot.

[TBoneTX 45,469]

To all:

This infernal virus, and the face-diapers, suck.

Remember the age groups that are most affected, and that comorbid conditions have their effect.

If neither applies to you, try to relax and live more of your life.

Also remember that homesickness is extremely natural.

So is culture shock -- especially when you think you've figured almost everything out but then it strikes you that you don't.

[VadnVince 24]

I definitely had to read through your post to make sure you weren't MY wife! LOL  We've been together for 8.5 years in what I thought was the perfect K-1 Visa love story!  In a nutshell, she REALLY has not become acclimated to being here, after all these years.  Her prevailing defense is that she's more comfortable at home in the U.K., which she should be, but I personally feel that she should have gotten comfortable living with me after all this time.  "At the end of the day", as you Brits say, I've concluded that she "leaped before she looked" and would be better off just admitting that she's perpetually homesick, like yourself, and should just remain in the U.K.  COVID-19 has actually helped with that. 

 

She left to attend to her Mum for a medical procedure which was actually ruled out because of her age (92) and that's been 2.5 years ago!  Her "excuse" for not returning is that we lost our housing, which was inevitable, because she would not try to get gainful employment that would afford us to live the lifestyle that we were both comfortable with, here in America.  I had to do it all by myself and it wasn't possible.  She didn't want to work outside of the home because she didn't feel comfortable working in America.   Didn't want to work from home because she rather work outside the home.  Didn't want to go school to upgrade her skills because she really felt she was DONE with school after vocational training, 40 years ago.  Everything in America was substandard to everything in U.K.  From the beginning, the U.K. vs the USA has been a thing in every way possible, even to the point of refusing to apply for citizenship because she didn't want to "give up her U.K. citizenship", which is not possible.  It's been a stressful experience, for me.  So I may empathize with your husband.   

 

I worked for an airline and have retired so we're able to fly at a tremendous discount - how does £372/round-trip sound?!  We've both been back and forth to where I just left there in March, right before the travel bans started.  She's not been back here in 13 months now, so her green card is in danger of getting revoked.  She can file an appeal, but I'm at the point of saying, "Don't worry about and stay where you're 'more comfortable' !"  She claims she wants to return, but I don't want to get off of this cycle of misery  

 

The moral of MY story is:  People want to GET married before considering what it's going to take to BE married.  And these are some atypical circumstances.  A cross-cultural marriage, different nationalities and now COVID-19 can make for a perfect storm.  I'd say, have a honest "come to Jesus" discussion with yourself and then your husband.  I've already challenged my wife that she has to decide that here is where she wants to BE, COVID-19, notwithstanding.  With any couple, courtship is SO romantic which falls off when you're actually living together.  Not unless you continue to be pro-active with the romance.  It's easy for my wife to make the grand, romantic statements from across the Atlantic - the things will fall right back into the routine when she does return.  So, I want her to stay where she is, going forward. I don't want her coming back if she's not happy and not working toward being happy.  It's made me feel like sh**.   Which ever direction you take - staying and making a positive go of things here, or just returning home - it not going to be easy one way or the other.  You've got to decide on which direction to take to not be miserable.  Eight years in, I can only say that it's only going to get worst if you don't.  CHEERS!  Wife is from Walsall, btw   (Hope you can read thru my typos.  I'm too lazy to proofread!)

 

[midsummer 84]

On 7/17/2020 at 1:14 PM, Howins said:

Hi all, I don’t really know where to start but I’m basically at my breaking point due to the stress of AOS, acclimating to living in the US, Covid-19 and homesickness after coming here on a K-1.
 

I’m home alone all day. I’ve recently received my combo card, but I’ve not found any work yet. I can’t get my driver’s licence as the DMV is closed (not that we could afford a second car anyway) and there’s nothing really walkable where we live. 

I’m really struggling to fit into the American way to life and lockdown has made it nearly impossible to make new friends. 

 

I moved in October of last year and haven’t been able to go home yet. I expected a six month wait before I would get my AP through and so be able to travel — but the pandemic has made it even more complicated. 

 

I miss home desperately but I’m terrified to fly in case I’m turned away when I try to return with just an AP. I’m also terrified to fly home in case I pick up Covid-19 from another passenger, as cases are skyrocketing in the US. I would be quarantining with my sister once I arrived back in the UK, and she’s pregnant. I couldn’t risk putting her in danger.

 

I’m so depressed, it’s almost unbearable. I just want to go home and see my family. I’m really not enjoying my life here like I thought I would.

 

I never thought this would happen to me — I travelled to the States frequently before I decided to move here and always loved it, and I really didn’t expect to miss home this much. 
 

Lockdown has made things more difficult and I know that, and that’s what I try to tell myself when I get really down — but the uncertainty of everything is a real killer. I have no idea how long my green card might take and I don’t know if it’s safe to travel on AP or during the pandemic.

 

My husband tries his best to be supportive but it’s hard for him to understand why I’m so depressed when we worked so hard to be together, and I can’t really explain it to him. I don’t tell anyone at home how miserable I am because I don’t want them to worry, and I try to play it down when around my husband’s family in case I sound like I’m being over dramatic. 

 

I’m sorry this is such a bummer of a post, and I know everyone on here is going through/has gone through something similar and I shouldn’t whine about it. I’m really trying to put on a stiff upper lip but I just don’t know how long I can keep a lid on it.

 

I figured if anyone would understand, it would be you guys.

 

Thank you for the venting space, it really helps.

I'm a dual citizen (UK and Australia) and I went through this when I first moved out to Australia. I wanted to move here and I loved it here when I first arrived. I read about homesickness but that just didn't seem to be a thing that I would go through until I did. It hit me with full force towards the end of my first year. It cost too much to fly back to the UK there and then so I was stuck with the feeling and did my best to hide how I felt (don't do this) and pretend I was fine. People would ask me, "Don't you miss your family?" and I would say I did but I wanted to be here and I would see them again etc. What I really wanted to say was that I missed my family, my friends and I especially missed having that connection with people who knew me and who had known me for years. I coped by calling home, reading the news back home, going for long walks and watching old episodes of QI and anything that reminded me of home. It took me a while to find work also and like you I wasn't used to being out of work. I think that a combination of going outside for walks and watching comedy (I love QI!) helped me the most but what it really did was helped me to cope until the feeling of homesickness wore off. If I'm completely honest it took finding a place where I felt accepted - for me that was work and the small group of friends I have here now. 

 

You are not alone and it can happen to any of us. In my case I was lucky and the feeling of homesickness wasn't permanent. I met others for whom it was and they did go back. If you can get out and about safely I would take walks outside where you are. I found it helped me to cope and I came to like the differences in the outdoors in Australia vs back at home in the UK. However this plays out for you, it's important to be honest with yourself. If you're miserable and you think it won't get better, start making a plan. If the feeling wears off, the money you save for moving back can be used for something nice for where you are now. Don't be too hard on yourself either x

I am bracing myself knowing I will be going through the same thing again when I move to New York. I'll be going over on a K-1 so I'll have a few months where I won't be allowed to work and I'm hoping that the feeling of homesickness will be easier to bear a second time around.

 

Hopefully this wasn't too much of a ramble and that something in the replies you've had so far helps you to feel a little better.

Edited to add that I just re-read and saw that you don't have anything really walkable where you live. I'm lucky to have some beautiful surroundings where I am now but I've lived in spots where going out for a walk wasn't really viable. Is a bicycle an option where you are? 

Edited August 6, 2020 by midsummer

[retheem 566]

What you are experiencing is a perfectly normal event, minus Covid. You will get used to life in America. We all have gone through that, and came out of it.  Rest now because once you start working, you will look for time to rest and you won't have it.

[Juliet57 304]

I am surprised no one mentioned therapy. You def should find someone to talk to and helps you get through those feelings. As much as your husband/friends/family would want to help they probably are not prepared to help you the way you need. Good luck!!!

[Adlitam1 18]

On 7/16/2020 at 11:14 PM, Howins said:

Hi all, I don’t really know where to start but I’m basically at my breaking point due to the stress of AOS, acclimating to living in the US, Covid-19 and homesickness after coming here on a K-1.
 

I’m home alone all day. I’ve recently received my combo card, but I’ve not found any work yet. I can’t get my driver’s licence as the DMV is closed (not that we could afford a second car anyway) and there’s nothing really walkable where we live. 

I’m really struggling to fit into the American way to life and lockdown has made it nearly impossible to make new friends. 

 

I moved in October of last year and haven’t been able to go home yet. I expected a six month wait before I would get my AP through and so be able to travel — but the pandemic has made it even more complicated. 

 

I miss home desperately but I’m terrified to fly in case I’m turned away when I try to return with just an AP. I’m also terrified to fly home in case I pick up Covid-19 from another passenger, as cases are skyrocketing in the US. I would be quarantining with my sister once I arrived back in the UK, and she’s pregnant. I couldn’t risk putting her in danger.

 

I’m so depressed, it’s almost unbearable. I just want to go home and see my family. I’m really not enjoying my life here like I thought I would.

 

I never thought this would happen to me — I travelled to the States frequently before I decided to move here and always loved it, and I really didn’t expect to miss home this much. 
 

Lockdown has made things more difficult and I know that, and that’s what I try to tell myself when I get really down — but the uncertainty of everything is a real killer. I have no idea how long my green card might take and I don’t know if it’s safe to travel on AP or during the pandemic.

 

My husband tries his best to be supportive but it’s hard for him to understand why I’m so depressed when we worked so hard to be together, and I can’t really explain it to him. I don’t tell anyone at home how miserable I am because I don’t want them to worry, and I try to play it down when around my husband’s family in case I sound like I’m being over dramatic. 

 

I’m sorry this is such a bummer of a post, and I know everyone on here is going through/has gone through something similar and I shouldn’t whine about it. I’m really trying to put on a stiff upper lip but I just don’t know how long I can keep a lid on it.

 

I figured if anyone would understand, it would be you guys.

 

Thank you for the venting space, it really helps.

Hi,

 

You are not alone. I’ve been here since February 2020, and basically just managed to move here in the last second before Covid hit. Everything I planned on doing such as taking my drivers license (which I need since you have to drive everywhere in the state we live) and starting to volunteer and build my own life didn’t happen. I’m waiting for my combo card which is taking forever because of the situation with the USCIS. I just want to go home and see my grandmother who’s very sick and my family. 
 

I have diagnosed social anxiety and usually I can handle it if I’m being able to go outside to expose myself to the fears I have. But because of quarantine I haven’t been able to explore my surroundings and the world outside my doorstep have become super scary and terrifying.
 

What has been really helpful though is to simply let my family and my spouse know how I feel. To not express this will only fuel the depression and the feelings of being lonely and powerless. It’s not an easy thing to do, but for me it has released a ton of stress. I think the key is to, together with partner, talk about this. Otherwise the risk is that we normalize the current situation, which makes one think that this is normal and how it’s always going to be.

 

Again, you’re not alone! If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone who’s in the same situation as you - message me. 
 

Sending you virtual strength.