Absolutely miserable

[Prizm123 1,084]

I felt my wife was going through some of this as well, even though she would never admit to it. I tried to encourage her to go for walks and meet people and talk to them, but she also had to learn English since she did not speak it as well, so it made her a bit gun shy. What I think helped is that I tried to take her places as much as I could and we would go out together when I was working my second job and she could go and help me which made her feel productive.

 

Its a huge adjustment for anyone coming to a different country, all I can really say is stick through it, and things will get better. You guys are in this together.

[JonSeattle 201]

I live in a fun area, so I'm not worried about my future family when they arrive, but I did recently realize that grocery shopping and other errands will have to be done by me for a while, so I need to prepare for that. Your husband might have been surprised by the changes in his life as well.

 

The isolation you feel is certainly understandable. Are there community groups you can join where someone can pick you and and drop you off? If you were to volunteer to help somewhere I'm sure they would be glad to have you, and that would give you a sense of purpose as well.

[AGF 146]

I fully understand your situation because in more ways than one, we are in the same boat.. I honestly feel useless at times haha! Since I have no money of my own, can’t drive, tries cooking but hubby is the better cook so he prefers to cook for us instead, not yet pregnant and today is my 36th birthday, having trouble obtaining my SSN, worrying about how to start compiling for evidence if and when we get our AOS interview.. so yeah, I’m not in the very best of places right now too..

 

One good thing that’s happening right now is that my husband is a really great person.. he is very supportive of me, in every way.. also, I have an excellent relationship with my in laws..

 

It’s good to hear that you’re undergoing therapy. Also, I am trying to learn Spanish for two purposes: makes the time pass by, and hoping that it will be useful in finding a job in the future ( our judge friend told us that they hire interpreters for $50 an hour ).. I also communicate with my family and friends on a daily basis.. reading books and magazines help out a lot, too. I keep our two houses clean ( workdays we live in an RV Park, weekends in our other home).. so yeah, anything to make me feel a little productive 😊

 

You / we will get through this.. we are blessed that our spouses are not bad people ( some married spouse-beaters).. let’s take one day at a time and before we know it, we are actually loving living here 😍😘 I wish you all the best! 

[Cheschirecat 176]

57 minutes ago, Teacake said:

 

Thank you both for your kind replies!

 

I have hobbies (knitting, reading, studying foreign languages), but honestly haven’t been able to do any of them lately because anytime I try, I’m reminded of how far I’ve fallen emotionally. I used to be eager about them, but now that I have to force myself to get into them (and then get annoyed by my own lack of persistence with them), they sort of act as a sad reminder. I want to keep pushing myself to do these things, though.

 

One new thing I’ve started liking is cooking; mainly because it’s something I can’t put off or I get nothing to eat lol. My husband and I recently subscribed to one of those meal kit delivery services where they send you recipes and ingredients and I’m having fun learning to cook. Like cleaning, it can be kind of soothing. I feel pretty proud when something I make comes out OK, and it makes me happy when my husband enjoys it, too.

 

Millington is bigger than the town we were living in previously (at my in-laws’ house), but yes, unfortunately it is really small. 😔 I don’t want to be so negative about the place, but all I keep thinking is how small it is and how much I miss Melbourne...

 

Anyway, thank you both again. I feel blessed to have people I don’t personally know be so kind and understanding.

I live inTn too and it’s been crazy getting my Nigerian hubby  to understand Southern Phrases and our accent. I bet Melbourne is awesome!!!  

[Ontarkie 13,917]

The adjustment is very hard, some of us more than others. It took 3 yrs before I stopped complaining about every little thing and I mean every little thing. That is about how long it took before I finally felt like this was home.

 

I'm the opposite of you though. I would love to live in a small town or better yet in the middle of nowhere. The city life is killing me and I've told my husband enough is enough we are moving. I want a farm nothing big but a little farm away form the crazy city life. (he's on board but it will be hard to find what I want. I'm going to be super picky as we will not move again). 

 

It's tough finding your new normal and with your husband's stressful job he's not as supportive as he could be. (join the Rant thread in Off topic All are welcome and we can complain in safety  ) 

It's good you are seeking help. That is a big deal as even if just having a safe place to vent you will feel better. It doesn't mean you won't miss your family or miss knowing where everything is when you go out. But it will let you vent without guilt. 

I was here for I think about 3 months and I was outside when a huge spider came flying out of nowhere. Well I started screaming and crying, I was ready to pack my bags and get out of here. Stupid bugs are huge here and well that spider was just something to trigger my homesickness. 

 

Now I'm terrible with getting lost. I'm the type that can get lost in a paper bag. It took me 6 years before I would drive myself anywhere. I didn't have a GPS or cell phone at the time. Then finally my older kids were working at the ball park and we had my daughter. We would go out and I convinced my husband we should get a cellphone in case the older kids got out of work early and needed a ride home. Now I have a smart phone and I love google maps. I can actually drive, I hate driving on the highways but I can get around our city without the gps. But If I need to go elsewhere I can and it feels good to be able to do so. So even after all this time I'm still figuring things out but after nearly 12 yrs here I wouldn't go back to Canada.

 

 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

10 hours ago, Teacake said:

1.  I have hobbies (knitting, reading, studying foreign languages) [..] I want to keep pushing myself to do these things

 

2.  One new thing I’ve started liking is cooking [...] I’m having fun learning to cook. [...] I feel pretty proud when something I make comes out OK, and it makes me happy when my husband enjoys it, too.

 

3.  Millington is bigger than the town we were living in previously

Look at these positives in your life that you're telling us about!

Keep doing them.

Keep your eyes open for even more such opportunities.

Pretty soon, you might find yourself having to limit your commitments and interests.

[Teacake 76]

12 hours ago, Ontarkie said:

The adjustment is very hard, some of us more than others. It took 3 yrs before I stopped complaining about every little thing and I mean every little thing. That is about how long it took before I finally felt like this was home.

 

I'm the opposite of you though. I would love to live in a small town or better yet in the middle of nowhere. The city life is killing me and I've told my husband enough is enough we are moving. I want a farm nothing big but a little farm away form the crazy city life. (he's on board but it will be hard to find what I want. I'm going to be super picky as we will not move again). 

 

It's tough finding your new normal and with your husband's stressful job he's not as supportive as he could be. (join the Rant thread in Off topic All are welcome and we can complain in safety  ) 

It's good you are seeking help. That is a big deal as even if just having a safe place to vent you will feel better. It doesn't mean you won't miss your family or miss knowing where everything is when you go out. But it will let you vent without guilt. 

I was here for I think about 3 months and I was outside when a huge spider came flying out of nowhere. Well I started screaming and crying, I was ready to pack my bags and get out of here. Stupid bugs are huge here and well that spider was just something to trigger my homesickness. 

 

Now I'm terrible with getting lost. I'm the type that can get lost in a paper bag. It took me 6 years before I would drive myself anywhere. I didn't have a GPS or cell phone at the time. Then finally my older kids were working at the ball park and we had my daughter. We would go out and I convinced my husband we should get a cellphone in case the older kids got out of work early and needed a ride home. Now I have a smart phone and I love google maps. I can actually drive, I hate driving on the highways but I can get around our city without the gps. But If I need to go elsewhere I can and it feels good to be able to do so. So even after all this time I'm still figuring things out but after nearly 12 yrs here I wouldn't go back to Canada.

 

 

Wow, 12 years... With how bad I’m coping after only a few months, I applaud you for sticking it out to the point of not wanting to return to your home country. I also noticed that the spiders here (in the South, at least) are insanely big... Daddy long legs are tiny where I’m from, but here I’ve literally seen them the size of my hand. Freaked me out during summer, too. 😖 I’m glad you’ll finally be moving to a place that suits you.

 

As you said, finding my new normal is definitely the biggest challenge because everything in my life feels upside-down at the moment, but I like seeing people’s success stories.

 

8 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Look at these positives in your life that you're telling us about!

Keep doing them.

Keep your eyes open for even more such opportunities.

Pretty soon, you might find yourself having to limit your commitments and interests.

Yeah, I do admit I have an issue with seeing the positives in my life right now, but I’ll try to count my blessings. 🙂 

 

Thanks everyone for all your support.

[remotercharm 31]

I'm American and I'd probably be miserable if I lived in a suburb in the south as well. You probably wouldn't want to live out in the boonies in australia either I imagine? I live in DC, probably the most liberal city in the US, and there a ton to do and public transit (I don't own a car). My fiance has visited several times and likes it.  We might move to Philly though.  He is also used to public transit and a more working class vibe so it would suit him better.  Maybe you guys just need to move somewhere more similar to where you are from?  Like I said, I as an American, could not live where you are.  I grew up in Southern California and recently went back for the holidays after a few years in Europe and no way I'd ever move back to LA with all that driving and highways just to go to a damn grocery store.  I bet you'd love Boston or a bigger city.  Perhaps Portland as it's closer to Aus than the east coast. There are a lot of Aussies in NYC if you can hack it.  If you know why you hate the place you live and you're being honest with yourself about the kind of place you want to live, then you should figure out how to get out of the situation.  Hopefully your partner will support you and you guys can move somewhere else.

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by remotercharm

[Teacake 76]

16 minutes ago, remotercharm said:

I'm American and I'd probably be miserable if I lived in a suburb in the south as well. You probably wouldn't want to live out in the boonies in australia either I imagine? I live in DC, probably the most liberal city in the US, and there a ton to do and public transit (I don't own a car). My fiance has visited several times and likes it.  We might move to Philly though.  He is also used to public transit and a more working class vibe so it would suit him better.  Maybe you guys just need to move somewhere more similar to where you are from?  Like I said, I as an American, could not live where you are.  I grew up in Southern California and recently went back for the holidays after a few years in Europe and no way I'd ever move back to LA with all that driving and highways just to go to a damn grocery store.  I bet you'd love Boston or a bigger city.  Perhaps Portland as it's closer to Aus than the east coast. There are a lot of Aussies in NYC if you can hack it.  If you know why you hate the place you live and you're being honest with yourself about the kind of place you want to live, then you should figure out how to get out of the situation.  Hopefully your partner will support you and you guys can move somewhere else.

 

Hi there,

 

Yeah, I agree that I wouldn’t wanna live in the sticks in Australia either. It’s just not my speed. I’d love to move, but with his work, he wants to stay where we are for the next few years and the thought of it honestly kills me. You described it perfectly when you mentioned all the highways and nonsensical driving just to get to a grocery store lol. I just feel so isolated. I’ve been to both LA and NY and honestly think I’d love being in the latter - it’s like Melbourne in a lot of ways. Just feeling stuck where I am.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Teacake

[remotercharm 31]

16 minutes ago, Teacake said:

Hi there,

 

Yeah, I agree that I wouldn’t wanna live in the sticks in Australia either. It’s just not my speed. I’d love to move, but with his work, he wants to stay where we are for the next few years and the thought of it honestly kills me. You described it perfectly when you mentioned all the highways and nonsensical driving just to get to a grocery store lol. I just feel so isolated. I’ve been to both LA and NY and honestly think I’d love being in the latter - it’s like Melbourne in a lot of ways. Just feeling stuck where I am.

Did you already suffer from depression before you moved here?  That's something to keep in mind.  You should have probably considered the situation before you agreed to move there or even done a trial run.  I lived in my fiance's city of Glasgow for almost a year.  We decided to come here for other reasons but at least I know what I'm getting into if we decide to move there.  You are young, though, and perhaps didn't know better.  Definitely try your best to improve your mental health, make friends, exercise, volunteer!!! (since you can't work, that's what my fiance is going to do), and understand that even an american moving to the south would be in great culture shock ( i moved from CA to VA when i was a tween and it was horrific but i did adjust after a while).  If you're much unhappier there, still, compared to how you were in Melbourne and your husband refuses to budge, I would personally make a move.  But give it a try first so you have no regrets.  It's hard to compete with a city like Melbourne.  Perhaps you can convince him to go to back to your home.  I'm guessing he is young, too.  There are plenty of career opportunities elsewhere?  Really, you should be talking to your husband about all this and he should be giving you some kind of hope/consolation.

Edited January 13, 2020 by remotercharm

[Teacake 76]

2 minutes ago, remotercharm said:

Did you already suffer from depression before you moved here?  That's something to keep in mind.  You should have probably considered the situation before you agreed to move there or even done a trial run.  I lived in my fiance's city of Glasgow for almost a year.  We decided to come here for other reasons but at least I know what I'm getting into if we decide to move there.  You are young, though, and perhaps didn't know better.  Definitely try your best to improve your mental health, make friends, exercise, volunteer!!! (since you can't work, that's what my fiance is going to do), and understand that even an american moving to the south would be in great culture shock ( i moved from CA to VA when i was a tween and it was horrific but i did adjust after a while).  If you're much unhappier there, still, compared to how you were in Melbourne and your husband refuses to budge, I would personally make a move.  But give it a try first so you have no regrets.  It's hard to compete with a city like Melbourne.  Perhaps you can convince him to go to back to your home.  I'm guessing he is young, too.  There are plenty of career opportunities elsewhere?

We discussed him moving to Melbourne before looking into the whole immigration situation and he didn’t want to. He loves southern culture and doesn’t see himself moving to a more liberal place. I saw the humour in our differences before, but it’s becoming harder now. I was having depression on and off in Australia, but was doing really well at the time of moving. I’d visited a few times, but we were going out all the time on those trips. He wasn’t working, we were attached to the hip and I was happy. Should’ve anticipated things being different in the real world where he would be working and I’d be on my own with no means of transportation a majority of the week, but hindsight is 20/20. 😔 I take responsibility for my mistakes and oversights. I was naive and overly optimistic. I don’t know.

[NikLR 13,220]

I came on a CR1 and I cant tell you how many times I packed my bags that first year.  Or have thought about it since then. I'd still move back to Canada (just not where I was living before) but the economy there is more difficult. My husband is from the south and does nothing but complain about city life and city people. He hates driving more than 5 minutes to anything but hates that we can see into our neighbors yard.  

 

I had PPD but hadnt had any issues in years until I moved here.  I almost died a few years ago and finally sought some help, so Im glad youve found some sooner than I did. 

 

This isnt easy. Just keep going.  You have to learn to support yourself too. Sometimes we have to pretend the loved one isnt there to lean on so we learn to stand on our own two feet. We can do it when we're alone but it's harder when that person is right there.  But our relationships are better when we can. 

[Teacake 76]

4 minutes ago, NikLR said:

I came on a CR1 and I cant tell you how many times I packed my bags that first year.  Or have thought about it since then. I'd still move back to Canada (just not where I was living before) but the economy there is more difficult. My husband is from the south and does nothing but complain about city life and city people. He hates driving more than 5 minutes to anything but hates that we can see into our neighbors yard.  

 

I had PPD but hadnt had any issues in years until I moved here.  I almost died a few years ago and finally sought some help, so Im glad youve found some sooner than I did. 

 

This isnt easy. Just keep going.  You have to learn to support yourself too. Sometimes we have to pretend the loved one isnt there to lean on so we learn to stand on our own two feet. We can do it when we're alone but it's harder when that person is right there.  But our relationships are better when we can. 

🥺 This was really sweet to read. I’m so grateful. I want to be strong on my own, but it’s really hard. There’s more that I would like to get some insight on if you would be willing to read a private message from me.

[IsabelleFredrick 6]

I can totally relate, and have been thinking hard about the effects of the transition psychologically. I have been here 7 months and left all family and my children in my home country. I relate to all you said, and I think that having a friend in the US to chat to in similair time zones (!!!) would be amazing. If you'd like to chat more, message me and we can encourage each other maybe daily/weekly? x

[Teacake 76]

8 hours ago, IsabelleFredrick said:

I can totally relate, and have been thinking hard about the effects of the transition psychologically. I have been here 7 months and left all family and my children in my home country. I relate to all you said, and I think that having a friend in the US to chat to in similair time zones (!!!) would be amazing. If you'd like to chat more, message me and we can encourage each other maybe daily/weekly? x

Sure! I’ll send you a message. 🙂👋🏻