k1 approval and break up

[usmsbow 795]

To think that all people online from all nations are the same seems extremely naive. Different cultures value relationships differently, including the online dating process. Why do you think for example Filippinas have much lower divorce rate than Western cultures, including in America? Because as a society and culture Filippinos value marriage much more than Western cultures! What I am saying is that all cultures are definitely not the same in the online process, regardless how much we think they are and that different cultures have different quirks. As a man, dating Western women is definitely not the same as dating Asian women, neither online nor in real person. The difference is huge.

Sorry OP, this has nothing to do with your situation... All I can say is best of luck to you in moving on.

As for the quote above... Yeah, they don't have a divorce rate lower than most Western countries because of the big presence of the Catholic Church in the Philippines, and the fact that the country has no divorce laws. And that yes, one can get legally separated, but then cannot get married again. Nope, it is because they value marriage more. Give me a break.

You do realize that divorce rates in the USA have decreased dramatically in the past couple decades right? While the % of unmarried people has shot up? One could deduce from those stats that Americans give a lot more thought to who they will marry than they used to (and therefore value marriage pretty highly).

And I also wasn't aware that all Asian women were the same. All ___ billion of them. And ____ millions of Western women are all different from them. Interesting.

[UnaMexicana 153]

I will give you my honest input..

I am apalled by the amount of men and women writing that it is shameful/reprehensible to receive money from your fiance. I disagree completely. I believe that we all have different views about money. If the person is willing to give it, to help out, to have her buy nice things, to do whatever she pleases - what is wrong with that? Coming back to reflect on this after the fact and regretting it doesn't do any good. When we give something, we give it freely and should not jump to conclusions over somebody so swiftly. If she changed their mind in the end and she has not explained as to why, all we say is speculation. I find it sad that people judge so freely when we all know how hard it is to go through this process and just how major of a change in life we are undergoing.

Now, about the vacations... Again, I am at a loss of words on people that accuse somebody of being a gold digger and not caring about the fiance just because he wants to take her on vacation once, twice, thrice. These were all trips they made as a couple. Finances are different for each and we all manage that differently. I am assuming that is the reason why one party footed most of the bills. But again, at his own will.

Please stop accusing and generalizing just because somebody backs out of coming into the US. We don't know the whole story.

OP, in relationships, we always are responsible for our own actions, not for the actions of the other. Furthermore, we control how those actions make us feel. I can't and won't tell you just how many difficult break-ups I have had... and how serious the reasons. But i will say that I have seen my fair share.

From my heart I tell you that everything that you give in good faith, will come back to you in blessings. Stop over analyzing and beating yourself over the financial losses. You enjoyed the trips, you enjoyed making someone feel good/helping them out. You did it because you wanted to and that is really all that you need to think about it. If the person does or does not value it, just simply does not matter.

As for your own feelings and the way you deal with this... It is always helpful to find a way to get closure. If possible, you need to have a real, face-to-face conversation with your (ex) fiancee. Travelling is not an option in my opinion, since you already imply she severed ties over text messaging. Perhaps calling her or a Skype session would be suitable. If none of these are possible, write a letter with everything that you feel and burn it afterwards.. send the ashes out in the wind. Just for closure and for your peace of mind.

I wish you the very best,

UnaMexicana

hey, OP here, someone said it was strange that i had not replied... sorry, about that. i have emailed a few individual posters and will continue... obviously some of these comments are off topic but mostly i want to thank everyone for their input. this forum and reading through everything is actually very helpful. it's cathartic and therapeutic to detail some things out and listen to what people have to say... so thanks to all of you and thanks to VJ for this forum

i've used this forum a few times to gauge visa times and i never really posted about our own, so i'll at least provide that if it's helpful for anyone. first, of course this is NY and russia, our NOA1 was 4.28.14, NOA2 was 9.12.14. she had her interview at the moscow embassy on 11.5.14. we went through the texas facility and then it was transferred to the california facility some months later... the NOA2 came quickly after that transfer

i think i noted before, she was approved but needed to fix her police report doc for some error, which she had to get from her hometown and was to take about a month to do that... as we all know, that's a mute point as this thing is over

i mentioned money before and i want to kind of be clear... most of that was for the vacations, it's not like i was sending her thousands of dollars every month. i sent her about 7k in cash over the last year, then i paid all visa related costs, etc, and the rest was taking trips. just to put that in perspective

i've heard a lot about no self respecting women would take that money... to be honest, i'm not sure about that, though i do think she was a bit selfish. she didn't really sacrifice anything during this process. but i can take some blame for enabling her. i don't know, i'd like to hear more about what people think about the taking of money or accepting vacation offers, etc. this idea i think you can't necessarily assume unless you know everything. but i agree that she probably asked for more that she should have and did not do enough herself to help or take care of herself

also, i think it is quite true that she was scared of making this kind of move... and towards the end i was not as supportive emotionally as i could've been. there's a lot more to that probably, to be honest i can go on and on for a while on all kinds of topics. but it was a long journey, and it's not easy to have an LTR in the first place. but the bottom line i think is that regardless of how she thought about my feelings towards her, or her doubts, etc, to the very end i was supporting her financially and obviously paying for the visa costs. at the end she had to pay the app fee and medical exam, and whatever, so as little as two months ago i was paying 1k for that stuff... and more for other things she may have needed.

either way, my issue mainly i think at this point is how it ended. if she was having doubts or was concerned or scared enough to make this decision, she should have talked to me specifically about those feelings. she sent a text to tell me her decision, and after that decision was made, it was like i never existed. that might be a bit overdramatic, but someone on here said russian women end relationships with a hatchet... well that's definitely what it feels like. like i made this decision and now eff off, it's not as bad as all that but it's obvious, as most of you have said, that she's moved on. maybe with someone else, maybe not... it's quite possible that she met someone though i would not think it serious at this point, but may have impacted her decision... who knows

that's what is hard. she was a major part of my life for a long time, and relevant or not, i invested a lot in this relationship, in time, stress, money, etc

i don't know what else to think about it... i'm trying to figure out what went wrong. was it me? was it her? both? whatever...

anyway, again, thanks to all for your posts, and i'm happy to continue if anyone has specific questions or whatever. it's helpful for me... so thanks

[Calicolom 265]

This happens when you buy a relationship, she just will go to the nex one and do the same thing, she makes a good living at this. Wake up.

[UnaMexicana 153]

This reply is pure gold.

Helps us understand another point of view and it also helps us not to make assumptions so quickly.

UnaMexicana

I'm russian woman. My name is Marina.

I just wanted to tell: don't tell in common. All people are different. Don't tell "russian are bad".

I read your story. It's a really pity. I want to say my opinion about this situation. People study english in every countries. But people in Russia and post-soviet union countries study english at low level. It's a real problem here.

I think she was scared to change her life. I think she was really scared to move in usa without knowing a good level english. I can understand her. I had the same fears. I had a lot of talks with my fiance about my fears. It's stressful.

She got some doubts. All she was needed is to see your calm and confidence that all will be good. I think she didn't see it.

It's normal to get some doubts. We are changing our life. It's not a game. It's a very difficult decision to leave ALL: our friends, our parents, our job and stability

I have an university degrees here. And I told to my fiance "Where will I work? I don't want to work as waitress"

It's difficult to explain. Immigration is not the game. We need to be sure in our partner.

I have read a lot of stories about divorce after some months. Yes, I was scared about it too. What will I do if something will go wrong? I had a divorce here - it's enough for me. I really don't want to be in such situation in foreing country.

If she had the same worries and fears She can choose to stay in Moscow.

I would advice you to come Moscow and see her, to speak to her honesty and rid of her fears. It would be a last chance.

If you love her - don't let her go away.

Marina

[tonyb919 107]

It seems to me that many posters are missing the point and the obvious....Bottom Line is the relationship is over!

All the talk of what he spent on trips, and sending cash and gifts, well guess what....thats what you do in a relationship, its part of the deal. 9/10 a happy man is a generous man, a man , a real man knows that how his lady looks, lives and behaves while in the relationship is a direct reflection on him and what he is doing wrong and/or right.

She is just not into the relationship anymore, maybe its not him, maybe its not her, but i seriously doubt it has anything to do with if she is russian, because this can happen and does happen in all nationalities.

It is what it is, the writing is on the wall! as i said earlier stop the bleeding, and break out, yeah its hard and its tuff but in the long run it will only making you wiser and stronger.

Life is school, we always learn something to make us better!

[Umka36 781]

To think that all people online from all nations are the same seems extremely naive. Different cultures value relationships differently, including the online dating process. Why do you think for example Filippinas have much lower divorce rate than Western cultures, including in America? Because as a society and culture Filippinos value marriage much more than Western cultures! What I am saying is that all cultures are definitely not the same in the online process, regardless how much we think they are and that different cultures have different quirks. As a man, dating Western women is definitely not the same as dating Asian women, neither online nor in real person. The difference is huge.

My question then would be is why not marry an Asian woman in the US? If the answer is the Asian women here are too Western, then what will happen when the foreign spouse arrives and becomes westernize? Or is it that Asian women here do not typically marry older gentlemen, therefore these men look abroad which is fine.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Umka36

[naron&yshie 4]

A Filipina here and I must say thank you to those who does not really generalized every filipina And I must say that same thing should be applied with russians or any other women in every part of the world.

But given the information that the poster said, I must say that both of them have a doubt with the relationship already. I mean the man feeling a bit disconnected because of the distance and the girl feeling scared of the move.

The best to do is to confront the current situation and be brave enough of the truth that will come out.

Still you're best discretion will come from you. Forget about how much money you spent already... just ask your self if you have enough love to keep on keeping on or let it go. You know both not giving up and letting go needs love

[Leila de Paula 0]

I agree, I am Brazilian, engaged to a Californian and never asked for money to him for anything, even though I was a period without a job (I now have a good job, and we are in the process K1), I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you should consider that she has used you, or that love simply over. Go ahead and all the best for you.

[Romet 28]

It seems to me that many posters are missing the point and the obvious....Bottom Line is the relationship is over!

All the talk of what he spent on trips, and sending cash and gifts, well guess what....thats what you do in a relationship, its part of the deal. 9/10 a happy man is a generous man, a man , a real man knows that how his lady looks, lives and behaves while in the relationship is a direct reflection on him and what he is doing wrong and/or right.

She is just not into the relationship anymore, maybe its not him, maybe its not her, but i seriously doubt it has anything to do with if she is russian, because this can happen and does happen in all nationalities.

It is what it is, the writing is on the wall! as i said earlier stop the bleeding, and break out, yeah its hard and its tuff but in the long run it will only making you wiser and stronger.

Life is school, we always learn something to make us better!

HEAR HEAR TONYB919!! Hear hear...

[av8or1 246]

Some people may take offense to your assumption that men or women from certain countries are exactly the same. Other than that.... good advice.

I see. Well in that case I'd refer you and all of those people to the phrase in my post where I said this: "...Although there are always exceptions..."

Seems like it covered all of the bases to me.

As for offending other folk, well I gotta admit, after being around Russians for several years now, not exclusively in the context of dating (ergo I have many Russian friends both male and female in general), those Russians, their values and culture and their attitudes towards life in general have rubbed off on me a bit. I'm certainly not the person I was before I came to Russia and IMO that's a good thing. I was a bit of a wus before I came to Russia, I'll admit it. The point being that I've become more like Russians (ALTHOUGH THERE ARE ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS - maybe CAPS will help) in that I just don't care if I offend other people very much. I don't want to be disrespectful mind you, but if someone "doesn't like" something I say and they are therefore offended by it, well, the Russian in me just doesn't care. And if I offend a highly PC person, well ... I consider that a victory. lol

Anyway, enough. Thanks for the feedback. And yes, I do mean that sincerely.

Edited January 9, 2015 by av8or1

[sevendelta 17]

UnaMexicana, I read your words. I'm completely agree with you

Love is exist I wish to everyone to find their loves. Don't give up when you found your love!

Marina

[Hollyday 122]

I will give you my honest input..

I am apalled by the amount of men and women writing that it is shameful/reprehensible to receive money from your fiance. I disagree completely. I believe that we all have different views about money. If the person is willing to give it, to help out, to have her buy nice things, to do whatever she pleases - what is wrong with that? Coming back to reflect on this after the fact and regretting it doesn't do any good. When we give something, we give it freely and should not jump to conclusions over somebody so swiftly. If she changed their mind in the end and she has not explained as to why, all we say is speculation. I find it sad that people judge so freely when we all know how hard it is to go through this process and just how major of a change in life we are undergoing.

Now, about the vacations... Again, I am at a loss of words on people that accuse somebody of being a gold digger and not caring about the fiance just because he wants to take her on vacation once, twice, thrice. These were all trips they made as a couple. Finances are different for each and we all manage that differently. I am assuming that is the reason why one party footed most of the bills. But again, at his own will.

Please stop accusing and generalizing just because somebody backs out of coming into the US. We don't know the whole story.

OP, in relationships, we always are responsible for our own actions, not for the actions of the other. Furthermore, we control how those actions make us feel. I can't and won't tell you just how many difficult break-ups I have had... and how serious the reasons. But i will say that I have seen my fair share.

From my heart I tell you that everything that you give in good faith, will come back to you in blessings. Stop over analyzing and beating yourself over the financial losses. You enjoyed the trips, you enjoyed making someone feel good/helping them out. You did it because you wanted to and that is really all that you need to think about it. If the person does or does not value it, just simply does not matter.

As for your own feelings and the way you deal with this... It is always helpful to find a way to get closure. If possible, you need to have a real, face-to-face conversation with your (ex) fiancee. Travelling is not an option in my opinion, since you already imply she severed ties over text messaging. Perhaps calling her or a Skype session would be suitable. If none of these are possible, write a letter with everything that you feel and burn it afterwards.. send the ashes out in the wind. Just for closure and for your peace of mind.

I wish you the very best,

UnaMexicana

Finally someone i can support in this thread. Honestly, after carefully rereading this post i think you nailed it.

Signed: self-respecting Russian woman.

[Husakovic 31]

Im sorry this happened to you. She is gonna regret it be smart and dont take her back!

[Ryan H 3,790]

***One off topic post removed; any additional off topic posts will result in a thread ban for the poster.***

[TBoneTX 43,059]

Stereotyping post removed, along with a post quoting. This is the last notice to stick to the OP's issue.