k1 approval and break up

[sidccc 6]

hey all, wanted to related my current situation with a russian girl (i'm american) i started a relationship with in oct 2013 when we both met in europe... we've met several times over the last 15 months, the last in spain back in july. we started the k1 process back in april 2014, took 5 months for approval, then a couple of weeks to the moscow embassy, interview, approval, etc. the approval was contingent on fixing a small error in the police report required... which was done but she hasn't gone to get the visa

after the spain trip things began to fall off a bit on my end, mainly due to the length of time apart with only whatsapp, phones calls, and the occasional Skype, but i never showed disinterest necessarily, i think i just started to tire of the type of relationship we had and the long wait, etc

when the interview came (in the beginning of november 2014), she was still very much interested/excited to finally come out but she started having doubts soon after for a couple of reasons. one, she had found a new job that she really liked in moscow, and two, she was worried about what would happen after she came to new york. scared of the move on one hand, but afraid things might not work out and she'd have to go back to moscow, losing her job, etc

at this point though she has totally changed her mind and says she doesn't want to come... stating the reasons above, as well as our ability to communicate. i speak no russian and her english is mediocre, i.e. we can't really have any real banter, jokes, etc are lost on each other for the most part

though for most of the time we were together, we were in love, and expressed that daily, etc.

from her end, during the whole time leading up to the interview, she was enamored... always texting, asking to call and hear my voice or Skype to see my face. and we always talked about the fact that it would be difficult for her at first here in the US. she would have to learn english and it would take her a while before she could find the kind of job she wants, etc. she understood that and always just wanted to be with me

the situation now with her though is a bit confusing and painful

a couple of notes, we took 4 trips after the initial meeting we had in europe. i took her to morocco, to thailand/cambodia, i visited moscow, and the spain trip. all of that at considerable expense. i had also been sending her money on a regular basis, a few hundred a month normally. she had gone through a couple of jobs while searching for the right one. and even with a job, the money was not enough. i would send money for some living expense as well as things she may need... dresses and shoes for work, a new winter coat, whatever... again, considerable expense. i paid for her to get into her apartment, paying the first month and security. she had also borrowed money from friends early on in our relationship that i gave to her so she could pay them back. i did all of this due to the long wait for the visa. i wanted her to have what she needed, etc while we were apart for so long

she was in somewhat of a transient state when we met, and a part of me feels like now that she has herself set up in moscow, her motivations may have changed

our only communication over the last two months is by text. twice she has said she doesn't want to leave moscow, that moscow is her home, and that for some reason (she won't say) that over the last two months 'her feelings have become cold between us'

i have tried to salvage this by texting i still love her, miss her, etc, but she has become increasingly distant, not texting back for hours or a day, or not responding directly to anything i might say. again, normally we would text several times a day, and if there was ever no reply from either of us for any amount of time it would be rare and for some legitimate reason. basically, like she has said, she has become cold. if i say i love you or miss you, she does not reply in kind, at all

she has though once, last week, said that there maybe is a chance. i told her that i still had hope for us and she said, yeah, maybe we can try... but again, during the last week, infrequent texts, non responses, or meaningless responses, and reiterated the 'her feelings have become cold between us'... to be honest i don't know exactly what that means. she could simply say she doesn't love me anymore or whatever

i've asked if she met someone and she has said no... but of course you never know. i feel like i'm chasing a dead horse, obviously over the last few weeks the way we communicate is completely different. she has no interest in calling, etc. and honestly i feel like if you're going to make a decision like ending the relationship for those reasons, you should at least have a phone call... texting something like that seems a bit rude

i'm putting this all out there because it's weighing on me and i'm not sure how to proceed or what more i can say to her, if anything. part of me wants to lay into her for wasting the last year of our lives, and wasting a ton of money. i paid for all the trips, all the visa expenses, are cash directly to her. to be straight all of that is roughly $40k over the last year or so. to do all of that, get her life set up in moscow, and to have her behave this way at this stage to me is baffling

i'm looking for any thoughts the group may have on what's happened... maybe it's a russian thing, i don't know, but this is a f*ked up situation for me

thanks

[Girl from Celebes 588]

hey all, wanted to related my current situation with a russian girl (i'm american) i started a relationship with in oct 2013 when we both met in europe... we've met several times over the last 15 months, the last in spain back in july. we started the k1 process back in april 2014, took 5 months for approval, then a couple of weeks to the moscow embassy, interview, approval, etc. the approval was contingent on fixing a small error in the police report required... which was done but she hasn't gone to get the visa

after the spain trip things began to fall off a bit on my end, mainly due to the length of time apart with only whatsapp, phones calls, and the occasional Skype, but i never showed disinterest necessarily, i think i just started to tire of the type of relationship we had and the long wait, etc

when the interview came (in the beginning of november 2014), she was still very much interested/excited to finally come out but she started having doubts soon after for a couple of reasons. one, she had found a new job that she really liked in moscow, and two, she was worried about what would happen after she came to new york. scared of the move on one hand, but afraid things might not work out and she'd have to go back to moscow, losing her job, etc

at this point though she has totally changed her mind and says she doesn't want to come... stating the reasons above, as well as our ability to communicate. i speak no russian and her english is mediocre, i.e. we can't really have any real banter, jokes, etc are lost on each other for the most part

though for most of the time we were together, we were in love, and expressed that daily, etc.

from her end, during the whole time leading up to the interview, she was enamored... always texting, asking to call and hear my voice or Skype to see my face. and we always talked about the fact that it would be difficult for her at first here in the US. she would have to learn english and it would take her a while before she could find the kind of job she wants, etc. she understood that and always just wanted to be with me

the situation now with her though is a bit confusing and painful

a couple of notes, we took 4 trips after the initial meeting we had in europe. i took her to morocco, to thailand/cambodia, i visited moscow, and the spain trip. all of that at considerable expense. i had also been sending her money on a regular basis, a few hundred a month normally. she had gone through a couple of jobs while searching for the right one. and even with a job, the money was not enough. i would send money for some living expense as well as things she may need... dresses and shoes for work, a new winter coat, whatever... again, considerable expense. i paid for her to get into her apartment, paying the first month and security. she had also borrowed money from friends early on in our relationship that i gave to her so she could pay them back. i did all of this due to the long wait for the visa. i wanted her to have what she needed, etc while we were apart for so long

she was in somewhat of a transient state when we met, and a part of me feels like now that she has herself set up in moscow, her motivations may have changed

our only communication over the last two months is by text. twice she has said she doesn't want to leave moscow, that moscow is her home, and that for some reason (she won't say) that over the last two months 'her feelings have become cold between us'

i have tried to salvage this by texting i still love her, miss her, etc, but she has become increasingly distant, not texting back for hours or a day, or not responding directly to anything i might say. again, normally we would text several times a day, and if there was ever no reply from either of us for any amount of time it would be rare and for some legitimate reason. basically, like she has said, she has become cold. if i say i love you or miss you, she does not reply in kind, at all

she has though once, last week, said that there maybe is a chance. i told her that i still had hope for us and she said, yeah, maybe we can try... but again, during the last week, infrequent texts, non responses, or meaningless responses, and reiterated the 'her feelings have become cold between us'... to be honest i don't know exactly what that means. she could simply say she doesn't love me anymore or whatever

i've asked if she met someone and she has said no... but of course you never know. i feel like i'm chasing a dead horse, obviously over the last few weeks the way we communicate is completely different. she has no interest in calling, etc. and honestly i feel like if you're going to make a decision like ending the relationship for those reasons, you should at least have a phone call... texting something like that seems a bit rude

i'm putting this all out there because it's weighing on me and i'm not sure how to proceed or what more i can say to her, if anything. part of me wants to lay into her for wasting the last year of our lives, and wasting a ton of money. i paid for all the trips, all the visa expenses, are cash directly to her. to be straight all of that is roughly $40k over the last year or so. to do all of that, get her life set up in moscow, and to have her behave this way at this stage to me is baffling

i'm looking for any thoughts the group may have on what's happened... maybe it's a russian thing, i don't know, but this is a f*ked up situation for me

thanks

40K for a year that was a bit excessive. Just moved on and forget these things even if it was hurtful. I myself never asked money from my-then-fiancé ( my now husband) though he wanted to send me money which was I refused it. I had a good job while back in my country. It seems this girl only used you as back up plan. Sorry, but that's my thought.

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved form Off-Topic to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[msbau764 245]

Forget about her. No self-respecting girl would accept that much money without feeling shitty about it. Doesn't seem like she cares. You enabled her and gave her everything she wanted. Not to mention she ignored your texts/calls (another obvious sign). If you really, really love her your best bet would be to move to Moscow and live with her. If not, just move on with your life.

[tonyb919 107]

As hard as it may be, and you are already "in deep"....STOP THE BLEEDING, AND MOVE ON.

Better you have this breakup now then when/if you bring her here to NYC, if you bring her here and things are still "cold" as she says and she wants to bolt, your on the hook for her financially for a few years.

[Pheebs1201 269]

If this is how she treats you now, when you guys are so close to finally being together, I dread to think how the relationship would progress. I am terribly sorry you have had to go through this but it sounds to me like it needs to stop. Move on and find someone more deserving of your love.

Good luck.

[NikLR 13,220]

Honestly cancel the petition and move on with life. Getting angry at someone when you chose to spend money on them is silly. Either she is nervous because you were distant for some time or she let you set her up. Either way there seems to be not much you can do about it beyond live and learn. Best of luck in the future.

[av8or1 246]

Having experienced relations with several Russian/Ukrainian women over the past few years, I suspect that she was in it for the right reasons at the beginning. And I suspect that she was sincere with you regarding her intentions. Ergo, there doesn't sound like much deception there to me. However your mistake was sending her that much cash and forking over the dough for those vacations. No self respecting Russian woman would have taken that much money from you nor gone on those vacations. But like everywhere in the world, some women/people can be tempted when it is offered. Sounds like she gave into that temptation and came out a different person on the other end. And that's the "good" scenario. The worst being that you were used the entire time, but again, strictly given what you have said, I don't think so. Regardless, the person she is now is not the person you knew and it's time for you to move on.

Finally, since you don't speak much Russian and therefore I conclude you know even less about the culture, I can tell you with almost no doubt that her words and actions mean that she has moved on. And I suggest that you don't even bother to "lay into her" about the time and/or money wasted, 'cause it means very little in Russian culture, but such actions on your part would convince her without doubt that she made the right choice. And to a certain degree that would hold true in any culture in the world, assuming that you did indeed express yourself in that way.

Look, the bottom line that I tell all guys who ask my advice about dating Russian women is that you cannot think like an American when you are with them. Russians are not politically correct, there is no feminism, there are no cr@ppy catch phrases like "think outside the box" and there is no pressure for everyone to be like everyone else so we can all be the same. When things go South in a relationship, they cut it off with a hatchet and move on with their lives. There is no "let's talk about it" or any of that cr@p. Although there are always exceptions, Russians generally speaking are much more hard-core than Americans. Heck, just a couple of days ago my fiancee told me that I needed to quit sight-seeing when we were walking from the metro station. "You walk like woman, like turtle. Kick your ### little boy!" And it was yet another time I realized why I like Russian women. Bwahahahaha! They don't dance around issues, they don't couch their feelings in PC terms and they don't suffer fools. And if I may speak openly, you are being a fool with this woman now. Sorry, but I can't avoid saying that and give you good advice at the same time, even though it will sound offensive to American PC ears (which I don't care about, seeing as how I am very much opposed to anything PC, but I digress).

Ok. The problem with that for American/Western guys is that they don't realize that Russian women are raised to let a guy down easily, and I mean they are taught that like religion. So when she's telling you "maybe [whatever], maybe we can speak" or whatever else, she's trying to tell you that things are over but to let you down easily as she was taught to do. Unfortunately most Western guys don't get that and they cling onto those words, which don't mean "keep trying", they mean "go away". And maybe she has found someone else, sure, but likely not. Either way, she has moved on from you already. Now you need to move on yourself.

If you attempt this again, I would suggest that you keep your wallet closed a little more. You can't give nothing or else you look like a cheapskate who has no heart nor soul. But there is a fine line. And unfortunately my friend you crossed it far too many times. And more unfortunately you didn't have a strong enough Russian woman to refuse you and to resist that temptation. And BTW, some guys I know use this give-her-money thing as a test really ... they offer and if the girl accepts then the guy moves on. That has merit but it can also generate a false positive.

Anyway. Bottom line, get the heck out while you can. Cancel the petition with the embassy or just let it lapse, your call. I very seriously doubt if she would turn up for the interview.

Edited January 8, 2015 by av8or1

[TBoneTX 43,058]

OP, if you don't accept the insights of above, here's one last test that might give you some closure:

Tell her that you're moving to Moscow to be with her. Pay exceptional attention to her reaction.

Regardless, please let us know what you decide or what the resolution is.

[VOL 425]

Sounds like she has meet another person.

Just cancel the petition and move onto finding someone new.

[Pianist27 31]

av8or1 speaks much truth. Cut your losses and move on. And next time don't throw around so much money, no self respecting person is going to accept it (even if you've got Bill Gates bank account).

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Sorry that this has happened to you, the best thing you could do would be to move on with your life to be honest.

Your other option would be to fly to Moscow and meet her in person and see if you can repair things/ find out what happened but there would be a good chance it would be more money wasted.

[Hin-d 16]

Forget about her. No self-respecting girl would accept that much money without feeling shitty about it. Doesn't seem like she cares. You enabled her and gave her everything she wanted. Not to mention she ignored your texts/calls (another obvious sign). If you really, really love her your best bet would be to move to Moscow and live with her. If not, just move on with your life.

I agree with the above comment! It's pretty unusual for a woman from that region; who's not playing with you, to ask about money. Many consider that to be a shameful act...again, the ones that are genuine!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I say move on and find someone you deserve!

Edited January 8, 2015 by Hin-d

[AverysMom 76]

...look at it this way, $40K is a very cheap price to pay to find out the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with is not the woman for you. If you both were really in love distance and communication barriers would not be an issue because you would make it work. You can't assume that being physically together would change all of that, because if a minor obstacle such as distance already has caused a change of heart than the relationship may not be strong as you once thought.

In my opinion, "closure" is overrated.

[James&Jhon 5]

Hello Sidccc

Well i think you need to make a step forward and confront the situation and call her and try to have the a honest and very open conversation, maybe you already know what is the result but it is better always to make our own decisions and understand what comes around on us to be in peace in the future and do not regret anything about our past.

Try to get back your inner peace either with or without her, the most important thing at this confusing moment is you.

Praying for you.

Jhon.