My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[macutelit 0]

TRUST IS A GOOD FOUNDATION OF RELATIONSHIP!!!! GOOD LUCK

[Ling Ling 22]

I agree with you that there's absolutely no excuse for what this guy has done.

But thinking that he can never be trusted again is a bit extreme.

It's easy to love someone that always does the right things...but if you can forgive someone that's real love.

Some people will take your forgiving them as weakness, and continue with their deceit.

But some will realize that being forgiven shows your strength, and it will give them strength to avoid deceit.

Boredom may be his excuse, but it's not the reason he cheated. Find out the reason, find out why he thought it was OK,

and find out why you should believe it won't happen again.

I didn't say specifically her husband can never be trusted again.......but how? I lost complete trust in my ex after forgiving him time and time again for his lies. Eventually I just never could get past them... I never trusted a word out of his mouth after a while!

I worry her husband will take her forgiveness as a weakness............

You kind of did say that YOU would never trust him again,

...I would be done with him! How can you possibly trust him again? All the things you've said he says is such BS! Do you really buy into all that?

I can see your perspective, given your ex. I say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

There should be no reason to forgive anyone a second time for the same or similar things.

[Old Dominion 26]

We all like to see the best in people but if you are already married and he's out partying, he has showed his true stripes.

I think you're too forgiving.

you should make him prove it. prove that he is sincere.

you can figure a way.

if you keep groveling to him, he'll play you like a fool.

when the cops catch a criminal, do you think that was his first offense? No, it's the first time he got caught.

If you happened to catch him this time, do you think it was his first?

Good luck, hope the best for you

He's not out partying... ?

I'm certainly not groveling to him; where did you get that idea?? I told him to leave if that was what he wanted.

It may be the first time that he got caught. Believe me, if he gets caught again, it's over.

Whether you can live with this is a decision only you can make -- but at least talk with a trained counselor by yourself to help you get your thoughts straight. For example, will you be thinking that he is flirting at the workplace now? Can you handle that suspicion? Good luck and happy New Year!

I am thinking that a counselor would indeed be a good idea. And by myself, nope, that is going to be a trip that we make together. Nope, not even thinking about the flirting at work right now. They've all met his wife, me. Not suspicious about that one bit, admittedly.

Happy New Year to you too.

Couples counseling, as others have observed, can merely make your marital relationship even worse. For one thing, there aren't that many really skilled marriage counselors available unless you include pastoral counselors and clergy. For another, a great deal of attention will be given to the culture from which he came, which might condone such behavior. Finally, your own feelings won't get the attention they deserve when there is an audience. Just my opinion.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Trust is earned, not offered without condition.

I agree with you that there's absolutely no excuse for what this guy has done.

But thinking that he can never be trusted again is a bit extreme.

It's easy to love someone that always does the right things...but if you can forgive someone that's real love.

Some people will take your forgiving them as weakness, and continue with their deceit.

But some will realize that being forgiven shows your strength, and it will give them strength to avoid deceit.

Boredom may be his excuse, but it's not the reason he cheated. Find out the reason, find out why he thought it was OK,

and find out why you should believe it won't happen again.

I didn't say specifically her husband can never be trusted again.......but how? I lost complete trust in my ex after forgiving him time and time again for his lies. Eventually I just never could get past them... I never trusted a word out of his mouth after a while!

I worry her husband will take her forgiveness as a weakness............

[cjgator 2]

Punk this loser. He does not deserve you.

CJ-G

Hi all,

I'm a member here, but I don't want to post under my regular name because I'm too embarrassed about what's been going on...

I've been messed up for the last couple of weeks here... My husband, who I worked long and hard to get to the US awhile back, I found out recently was having an online affair with 2 girls in his home country. It looks like this was going on before he came here too... He has his conditional green card now.

He's told me that he kissed one of them one time when he was out dancing (yeah right) and that that was it. But he was for sure writing her. Before we got married, after we got married, the whole bit. Telling her that he loved her...

The other one he swears was just online writing, something that he did to pass the time.

Keep in mind that this man and I have been together for 2 years now. We did long distance to Peru from the US for a year and a half before he got here.

This all got started because I found a picture of him in our pictures section (I was going to look at our wedding pictures) and there were all these little pictures of kissing, hugging stuff, stuff to put on someone's page on a social networking site. I was like, "What??" Also there was a picture of him that someone had downloaded and then wrote "I love you" on it...

I checked the social networking site and found out that he had a second profile! One that said he was looking for open relationships and he was friends with all of these other women. He'd also been emailing them through a second email acct that he created to communicate with them. Such bs... I couldn't even believe it.

He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now.

That I'm the one that he loves... now of course I'm wondering if the whole thing was just a scam to get here... how else could I feel differently? He was telling the other two girls that he loved them. What a crock...

I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid.

Any thoughts? I really need some help.

[vof 0]

Hi all,

I'm a member here, but I don't want to post under my regular name because I'm too embarrassed about what's been going on...

I've been messed up for the last couple of weeks here... My husband, who I worked long and hard to get to the US awhile back, I found out recently was having an online affair with 2 girls in his home country. It looks like this was going on before he came here too... He has his conditional green card now.

He's told me that he kissed one of them one time when he was out dancing (yeah right) and that that was it. But he was for sure writing her. Before we got married, after we got married, the whole bit. Telling her that he loved her...

The other one he swears was just online writing, something that he did to pass the time.

Keep in mind that this man and I have been together for 2 years now. We did long distance to Peru from the US for a year and a half before he got here.

This all got started because I found a picture of him in our pictures section (I was going to look at our wedding pictures) and there were all these little pictures of kissing, hugging stuff, stuff to put on someone's page on a social networking site. I was like, "What??" Also there was a picture of him that someone had downloaded and then wrote "I love you" on it...

I checked the social networking site and found out that he had a second profile! One that said he was looking for open relationships and he was friends with all of these other women. He'd also been emailing them through a second email acct that he created to communicate with them. Such bs... I couldn't even believe it.

He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now.

That I'm the one that he loves... now of course I'm wondering if the whole thing was just a scam to get here... how else could I feel differently? He was telling the other two girls that he loved them. What a crock...

I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid.

Any thoughts? I really need some help.

have him deported notify uscis and file divorce

[FaithfulandTrue 6]

He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now.

.

I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid.

Any thoughts? I really need some help.

dag...i really don't know what to say.. dag

[kimico28 0]

Its really hard to have to come to the realization that the person you love most in the world is being less than honest with you.Long distance is tough and it requireds alot of trust and dedication.A few years ago i found an email to my boyfriend(now husband) from some supposed friend.Its wasnt too racy but it was too friendly for my comfort.It stated how she missed him and it was cold and rainy and she wishes he was there.Seeing that email broke my heart,and nearly ruined our relationship.He denied that anything was going on,and I never had evidnece,but after several days,weeks of talking about it I realized that i was able to forgive him,becasue I love him and realized I had to give him the benefit of the doubt especially since we had been together for 4 years at the time.

So my advice is listen to your heart,and figure out how well you know and trust him,and how much you want the realtionship to work.If you feel you need hard facts to be able to trust him and forgive him,well install a key stroke logger ,for your peacce of mind,it may also give you a better insight into the kind of person he is if you believe he may have scammed you.

I hope I was able to help a little

[Gumbolette 58]

Saying that having a second profile into a certain site which is a dwelling place of people who are looking for relationship is absurd for someone who is already married. Passing the time while waiting for this process we all have is already scrutinizing, much more spending each day without in your spouse's arms. Its also not an excuse to open thy self to possibility of cheating even you are just killing the time. If you husband is as much as dedicated to be with you genuinely, he wouldn't do this stupid thing because he knows that if you knew about it, you will be hurt. As most husbands do, they wouldn't wanted to hurt the feelings of their beloved wife. Come'on, there are lotsa things to do while waiting for the VISA. Not creating an account into a site that results yourself being involved to another. its a big NO-No esp to married individuals.

Ask yourself if your husband has his genuine intentions as your husband forever. Just feel the situation, you yourself can attest what is the best thing to do, since you are with him 24/7.

Goodluck with the decision you'll come up with.

[Waldo 0]

I broke up with a girl after a four year relationship. I always hated when people told me... time heals all wounds, or it wasn't meant to be. I realized myself that whatever obvious advise anyone gives you it doesn't make that feeling go away. I will say this. I understand.

My wife called me on Christmas and I had just worked a 17 hour shift and druged myself so I could sleep for 4 hours. She had a bad dream about me cheating on her. I felt bad even then it made me cry. I hope the best for you and yours.

[Naz&Omi 0]

Ok, I expected MUCH harsher responses on this sight than what I'm seeing..... I'm sorry, but as most of us here spend massive amounts of time apart from our fiances/spouses, I'd say that the MAIN thing that makes these relationships work is TRUST! There is never a guarantee that you're not gonna get hurt in any kind of relationship (my old fiance from a year and a half ago ended up being married the whole time he was seeing me) ...that trust is never gonna come back for him, and for a long time I wasn't able to trust ANY guys!

Rant aside, I know you still love this man.. I mean, you would be heartless if you could just stop loving someone all of a sudden. But at the same time, I don't know how you can EVER look him in the face again with anything but distrust... and like you said you feel like such a fool... I know how you are feeling, and it (He) is not worth it.

This might seem harsh, and I definitely realize the sanctity of marriage, and as a Christian, I believe that divorce is a sad and last option... but I know.. if it was me, and my fiance (soon-to-be husband) ever told another woman that he loved her ... I don't care if it was "in real life" or not... it is not acceptable and it has nothing to do with "forgiveness".. we are women.. we have compassion and care beyond reason.. eventually you will forgive him and see him for what he is.. just a pathetic man who was only interested in making himself happy.. and as sad as that is for him, it has nothing to do with you. I know that you feel like you lived and breathed and died for this man over the past 2 years, and you are all the better for it. Don't feel bad about yourself or feel like a fool (I know it's hard right now), but you are a beautiful person and God has someone for you. I know that's been said over and over again... but I really believe that we as women should never "settle" for someone who makes us feel less than wonderful and complete.. I personally would rather be alone than feel like that.

I wish you all the best and all the wisdom in this situation. Everyone is right to say that ONLY you know how to proceed from here... but like I said, that love doesn't just stop immediately..... first thing is not to act like nothing happened, and the second is to ALways show your husband that you are reasonable and DO have compassion and are not threatening him with the Green Card issue. You are better than that and it will show him that he made a serious mistake in thinking that he could play with a woman's heart like that.. Maybe it will make him a better man some day, but right now, honey, you need to focus on moving past this and realizing that you are worth MUCH MORE than this man has given you......

LOVE YOU **LONG HUG** You are not alone.

[tallcoolone 102]

You have two options:

1.) Divorce him

2.) Accept that he will have other woman on the side. Some couples adust to this, and work out fine. Some don't.

This guy is gonna chase/flirt/date other woman, he just telling you what you want to hear at the moment. Don't be angry with him, either accpet or move on.

It's your choice........

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I'd just divorce him. He obviously has no idea what he wants and is not mature enough to be married.

[NickD 202]

Dang, I am paranoid, perhaps due to my engineering experience on how things can go wrong, have two working computers, at least two vehicles, backup water supply, and even a backup generator. When you have to get things done, really can't depend on just one thing, something can always go wrong, and it does, and at the worse time.

But perfectly happy with one wife, is it possible that your husband is insecure and looking for backup in case anything goes wrong with your relationship? Is this guy immature or perhaps even a juvenile delinquent? Is this just a game for him, or is this just the tip of the iceberg? Ha, know guys if their wife is ill or even pregnant need a backup for sex. While at those times, their wives need all the support they can get, such is true love and devotion.

Only you can sort these other factors out and view your entire relationship, I was in a bad relationship with my ex-wife, that is why she is my ex-wife, and the lack of trust in that person is a life of pure hell. If anything, taught me to be a lot more careful if there was a next time. There was a next time, very happy now, ha, went through thousands with no luck, but she was also looking, and found me, she also had very bad experiences with lack of trust.

Does it really take experiencing lack of trust to be a lot more careful?

[forchika 4]

Please do not feel like the alone ranger....I am sure it happens more than it is admitted. I like Ling Ling's perspective....it seems that you have handled the issue very well. I agree with diadromous merma....by putting it out there and letting him know where you stand, and letting him know it will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Sounds like he is a good man despite the obvious messup. I say give him a second chance but please do not throw caution to the wind!!!!!

FYI:Believe me when I say the familly knows if he has cheating traits.