My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[Ling Ling 22]

You stated that forgiving is "as simple as that. Forgive, forget. Yeah right. So the next time he is on the computer and she walk in the room, he quickly closes the screen as she steps in, even if it was innocent. What do you think she is going to be thinking at that point? Easy? Hardly. Trust is given at the first of a relationship. If it has been broken it will need to be earned back. If he is not willing to work to earn it back then he isn't really committed to the relationship is he.

THAT is putting words in my mouth. I never said ANYTHING about "Forgive, forget", or that anyone should surrender their expectations, nor that trust should not be earned.

I agree that Ling Ling seems to be confounding the essence of my comments.

Who said I was confounding your comments for you to agree with?

Bottom line. It's up to you to decide if you have the heart to forgive, and only you know how long it

will take you to start forgiving. Some people like to look at the bloody gash from an accident, others

like to mend it right away before it gets infected.

Nobody expects you to forget...or at least no reasonable person would expect an indiscretion to be forgotten.

Even when an injury heals, often you'll have the reminder of a scar, but it shouldn't affect you unless you let it.

As for spying on your spouse....that's not trust, and it's not legal.

Perhaps for some you need to treat your spouses like children and explain to them the consequences,

and maybe some of you need to give them ultimatums. But I'd like to think that most of us are married

to adults...and they understand the consequences of their actions without them being brandished in their

face as a weapon of punishment.

Edited January 4, 2009 by Ling Ling

[sasha414 0]

Hi all,

I'm a member here, but I don't want to post under my regular name because I'm too embarrassed about what's been going on...

I've been messed up for the last couple of weeks here... My husband, who I worked long and hard to get to the US awhile back, I found out recently was having an online affair with 2 girls in his home country. It looks like this was going on before he came here too... He has his conditional green card now.

He's told me that he kissed one of them one time when he was out dancing (yeah right) and that that was it. But he was for sure writing her. Before we got married, after we got married, the whole bit. Telling her that he loved her...

The other one he swears was just online writing, something that he did to pass the time.

Keep in mind that this man and I have been together for 2 years now. We did long distance to Peru from the US for a year and a half before he got here.

This all got started because I found a picture of him in our pictures section (I was going to look at our wedding pictures) and there were all these little pictures of kissing, hugging stuff, stuff to put on someone's page on a social networking site. I was like, "What??" Also there was a picture of him that someone had downloaded and then wrote "I love you" on it...

I checked the social networking site and found out that he had a second profile! One that said he was looking for open relationships and he was friends with all of these other women. He'd also been emailing them through a second email acct that he created to communicate with them. Such bs... I couldn't even believe it.

He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now.

That I'm the one that he loves... now of course I'm wondering if the whole thing was just a scam to get here... how else could I feel differently? He was telling the other two girls that he loved them. What a crock...

I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid.

Any thoughts? I really need some help.

the situation is: husband gets to america, wife finds out he has been having internet affairs, husband says he did it because he got bored ( of course, boredom is not a reason to cheat ) . husband says sorry for his mistakes and wife is confused and wondering if her husband truly loves her. Betrayed, i think your mind is set right now on giving your marriage a second chance and if that is what your heart is telling you, then its your decision to make. however, if you decide to work things out with him, you must be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride. most wives who have experienced the same situation were not totally happy because they would have doubts and continue to snoop , checking the husband's emails, checking his pockets etc. women have very strong instincts. if you want to give him a second chance, by all means, go ahead and just take it one day at a time, for the sake of keeping yourself sane, dont stress out too much, if your husband cheats on you again, then it will come to you. and if this happens the 2nd time, then thats another story.

[betrayed 0]

Bottom line. It's up to you to decide if you have the heart to forgive, and only you know how long it

will take you to start forgiving. Some people like to look at the bloody gash from an accident, others

like to mend it right away before it gets infected.

Nobody expects you to forget...or at least no reasonable person would expect an indiscretion to be forgotten.

Even when an injury heals, often you'll have the reminder of a scar, but it shouldn't affect you unless you let it.

As for spying on your spouse....that's not trust, and it's not legal.

Hi Ling Ling,

I do have the heart to forgive, I've since figured out, through all of this posting. And no, I don't know that I'll ever forget. I can put it away and tuck it aside. Like you said, it'll be like a scar. And he's not forgiven yet, that's for sure! I'm working on it. I'm sure that this process will take some time.

My husband is working on earning the trust back. That's all he can do right now. It'll take me a while to have faith in him again.

I've never said that I was interested in spying on my spouse... I think that all of the other posts from people telling me to install spyware have gotten people confused. I said very clearly earlier that I was not interested in doing so. Just to clarify.

Thanks again everyone, for all of your posts.

[betrayed 0]

Simply put, each individual must choose what behaviour is and is not tolerable. Forgiving someone for past indiscretions is a "process". The choice to forgive may be made in a moment, but the actions required to complete the task are done over time. Taken in steps. A process much like earning trust once it has been betrayed. It is a process, and only time will demonstrate whether the OP's husband is genuine in his interest to restore her faith in him. He cannot rebuild the very foundation of a marital relationship with a mere utternace (or promise) that such behaviour will not be repeated. That will be clear when weeks and months pass and his respect of her and his actions demonstrate that she can turn he back and not hold her breath, wondering if he will stray again. One cannot "fast forward" time such that the process is abbreviated to a moment. That was the essence of my reaction, when the OP said "he has done what is needed to rebuild the trust". She has since come back to expound on that statement, and I feel much more at ease with her last commentary.

Thank you diadromous mermaid for your comments. Yep, weeks and months... I'm glad that I can back and clarified myself in terms of him working on rebuilding my trust.

[morocco4ever 63]

You stated that forgiving is "as simple as that. Forgive, forget. Yeah right. So the next time he is on the computer and she walk in the room, he quickly closes the screen as she steps in, even if it was innocent. What do you think she is going to be thinking at that point? Easy? Hardly. Trust is given at the first of a relationship. If it has been broken it will need to be earned back. If he is not willing to work to earn it back then he isn't really committed to the relationship is he.

THAT is putting words in my mouth. I never said ANYTHING about "Forgive, forget", or that anyone should surrender their expectations, nor that trust should not be earned.

I agree that Ling Ling seems to be confounding the essence of my comments.

Who said I was confounding your comments for you to agree with?

Bottom line. It's up to you to decide if you have the heart to forgive, and only you know how long it

will take you to start forgiving. Some people like to look at the bloody gash from an accident, others

like to mend it right away before it gets infected.

Nobody expects you to forget...or at least no reasonable person would expect an indiscretion to be forgotten.

Even when an injury heals, often you'll have the reminder of a scar, but it shouldn't affect you unless you let it.

As for spying on your spouse....that's not trust, and it's not legal.

Perhaps for some you need to treat your spouses like children and explain to them the consequences,

and maybe some of you need to give them ultimatums. But I'd like to think that most of us are married

to adults...and they understand the consequences of their actions without them being brandished in their

face as a weapon of punishment.

Ah, so it was the forgive and forget statement. No, I said that, in response to your "it is as easy as that" statement. Am I wrong, you did say that didn't you? It isn't "as easy as that". If it was that easy why would it leave a scar? Back peddling. Do you find yourself doing that often in these threads?

Obviously you thought Diad meant ultimatum. But you are now admitting there are consequences. Back peddling.

To the OP it appears that your choice is to give him another chance. This is not going to be easy because you are going to have many doubts about many things from here going forward. Can I give you a little advice on the steps here? This is going to take a long time, so be patient with yourself. There will be times that you are going to doubt him, and you will confront him. He might get angry because he is tired of hearing it. Remeber dear, he created the monster, it is his job to deal with your doubts until he earns it back. Remind him of that.

[TBoneTX 43,434]

Whatever else might be said, these are my observations:

1. Heated though some of the responses here have been, it's extremely heartwarming to see so many people here offering to help the OP. Yes, there are jerks on VJ, but when the chips are down, we can truly be a family. (Sidebar: When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Si, man.)

B. After my own lousy first marriage (my own fault, for not knowing then how to select a mate), I embarked on an intense, one-dude, approximately 17-year study of relationship psychology, and this helped me avoid MANY subsequent mistakes in the dating process and ultimately in finding the current wife. Merely from reading this thread, and as a result of the generous spirit of the contributors, I have gained reminders and new wisdom for my own continuing reflection. Out of the many excellent replies, I'm most impressed by post #109, si man.

iii. The wife has been asking for an update. I told her of the OP's sensibility, introspective abilities, and stated resolve, and the wife hugged me and said "I'm glad for her."

If we think that our foreign spouses have trouble acclimating to life here, pity me as I try to memorize the apparent Spanish term for "wedgie," and guard against real-life demonstrations of it, uff man!

Edited January 5, 2009 by TBoneTX

[Ling Ling 22]

You stated that forgiving is "as simple as that. Forgive, forget. Yeah right. So the next time he is on the computer and she walk in the room, he quickly closes the screen as she steps in, even if it was innocent. What do you think she is going to be thinking at that point? Easy? Hardly. Trust is given at the first of a relationship. If it has been broken it will need to be earned back. If he is not willing to work to earn it back then he isn't really committed to the relationship is he.

THAT is putting words in my mouth. I never said ANYTHING about "Forgive, forget", or that anyone should surrender their expectations, nor that trust should not be earned.

I agree that Ling Ling seems to be confounding the essence of my comments.

Who said I was confounding your comments for you to agree with?

Bottom line. It's up to you to decide if you have the heart to forgive, and only you know how long it

will take you to start forgiving. Some people like to look at the bloody gash from an accident, others

like to mend it right away before it gets infected.

Nobody expects you to forget...or at least no reasonable person would expect an indiscretion to be forgotten.

Even when an injury heals, often you'll have the reminder of a scar, but it shouldn't affect you unless you let it.

As for spying on your spouse....that's not trust, and it's not legal.

Perhaps for some you need to treat your spouses like children and explain to them the consequences,

and maybe some of you need to give them ultimatums. But I'd like to think that most of us are married

to adults...and they understand the consequences of their actions without them being brandished in their

face as a weapon of punishment.

Ah, so it was the forgive and forget statement. No, I said that, in response to your "it is as easy as that" statement. Am I wrong, you did say that didn't you? It isn't "as easy as that". If it was that easy why would it leave a scar? Back peddling. Do you find yourself doing that often in these threads?

Obviously you thought Diad meant ultimatum. But you are now admitting there are consequences. Back peddling.

To the OP it appears that your choice is to give him another chance. This is not going to be easy because you are going to have many doubts about many things from here going forward. Can I give you a little advice on the steps here? This is going to take a long time, so be patient with yourself. There will be times that you are going to doubt him, and you will confront him. He might get angry because he is tired of hearing it. Remeber dear, he created the monster, it is his job to deal with your doubts until he earns it back. Remind him of that.

Back peddling?

You appear to be delusional. Please show me where I have not stood by my views or statements.

Just because something is easy doesn't mean it won't leave a scar. Revisiting my analogy, it's pretty clear that you prefer to keep the wounds fresh, to wit, "You will confront him" and "Remind him of that". To me, that's not the way you move forward...expecting confrontation and reminding someone. Sounds more like a grudge than forgiveness.

I never made claim that there would not be consequences. THERE you are putting words in my mouth again. I said consequences don't need to be made specific, and I followed up stating they don't don't need to be brandished in someone's face as a threat. I stand by that as well.

Apparently you don't believe in trusting, forgiving, and getting past things.

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion and differing point of view, but there's no need to attempt to attribute things to me

that only occurred in your mind.

Betrayed, I know you weren't interested in the key logger. It's very apparent that you're too mature and realistic for that sort of thing.

[morocco4ever 63]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

[Ling Ling 22]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

[morocco4ever 63]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

Do you have issues with everyone that sees things different than you? Perhaps you are the one that is avoiding reality. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated?

[Ling Ling 22]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

Do you have issues with everyone that sees things different than you? Perhaps you are the one that is avoiding reality. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated?

As I said before, I have no issue what so ever with your opinion differing from mine. My issue is with you saying that I "said" things which I did not.

[morocco4ever 63]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

Do you have issues with everyone that sees things different than you? Perhaps you are the one that is avoiding reality. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated?

As I said before, I have no issue what so ever with your opinion differing from mine. My issue is with you saying that I "said" things which I did not.

Did you say, on the topic of forgiving, that "it is easy as that"? I asked you that before and you ignored the question.

[morocco4ever 63]

Back peddling?

You appear to be delusional. Please show me where I have not stood by my views or statements.

Just because something is easy doesn't mean it won't leave a scar. Revisiting my analogy, it's pretty clear that you prefer to keep the wounds fresh, to wit, "You will confront him" and "Remind him of that". To me, that's not the way you move forward...expecting confrontation and reminding someone. Sounds more like a grudge than forgiveness. So what is your advice. Do you think she can put it out of her head? Do you think that is easy too? So, being a woman, I understand that this will come into her head over and over again. So since you state that you should never remind him of that, you are basically telling her to hold her feelings inside, no matter how much she needs to talk. And if there is something you need to know about a woman is that she is going to need to discuss it until she comes to terms with it.

I never made claim that there would not be consequences. THERE you are putting words in my mouth again. I said consequences don't need to be made specific, and I followed up stating they don't don't need to be brandished in someone's face as a threat. I stand by that as well. Did you say that by discussing the consequences she is treating him like a child, and that you don't agree with what diad said about discussing it? So the woman doesn't have a right to tell him that she will divorce him (if that is what she chooses) should he choose to do it again. This would be considered a pretty normal consequence to cheating, so it isn't throwing it in his face, it is a fact.

Apparently you don't believe in trusting, forgiving, and getting past things. How did you derive this? Perhaps you are dilusional and putting things in my mouth.

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion and differing point of view, but there's no need to attempt to attribute things to me

that only occurred in your mind.

Betrayed, I know you weren't interested in the key logger. It's very apparent that you're too mature and realistic for that sort of thing.

Notes in red.

[Ling Ling 22]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

Do you have issues with everyone that sees things different than you? Perhaps you are the one that is avoiding reality. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated?

As I said before, I have no issue what so ever with your opinion differing from mine. My issue is with you saying that I "said" things which I did not.

Did you say, on the topic of forgiving, that "it is easy as that"? I asked you that before and you ignored the question.

YOU came into this thread in post #105 attacking that very statement (where my name is clearly in your quote),therefore you very well know I made that statement.

I replied to you in post #112, and did not attack you or your opinion.

YOU responded in post #115 again attacking me, and then further insinuation words and ideas that I did not state.

When I asked you NOT to twist my views, then you personally attack me again.

Is any of this ringing a bell?

Have a look at the thread again, and maybe it will.

[morocco4ever 63]

You appear to be delusional.

You seriously need to look into a mirror before you make statements like that.

Avoid reality much?

Do you have issues with everyone that sees things different than you? Perhaps you are the one that is avoiding reality. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated?

As I said before, I have no issue what so ever with your opinion differing from mine. My issue is with you saying that I "said" things which I did not.

Did you say, on the topic of forgiving, that "it is easy as that"? I asked you that before and you ignored the question.

YOU came into this thread in post #105 attacking that very statement (where my name is clearly in your quote),therefore you very well know I made that statement.

I replied to you in post #112, and did not attack you or your opinion.

YOU responded in post #115 again attacking me, and then further insinuation words and ideas that I did not state.

When I asked you NOT to twist my views, then you personally attack me again.

Is any of this ringing a bell?

Have a look at the thread again, and maybe it will.

you tell me that you were replying to my posts, but I am attacking you, yet you called me delusional and that I have a problem with reality. Am I twisting those words as well?