My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[Cham 3]

It may be Childish BUT why not put a PW on it after all it is HER computer NOT his and if he wants his own computer to flirt and cheat then he can buy it. If she is paying the bills then SHE has the right to say oops no more net.

You need to sit down and tell him dead on what will happen if he is caught at all on the net and YES i do agree he needs to call these women and BE honest about how you feel. HE NEEDS TO KNOW!

You need to also seek therapy if not together for YOURSELF. You need to learn how to love yourself again and be able to trust him and let go of the pain he caused your heart. Otherwise you will be checking constantly and looking over your shoulder wondering if he is still doing it.

He needs to prove to you that he is not doing this AND go to marriage therapy (check the YWCA OR YMCA, they do offer free therapy or discounted based on income)

good luck to you and keep us updated

[betrayed 0]

Only you can sort these other factors out and view your entire relationship, I was in a bad relationship with my ex-wife, that is why she is my ex-wife, and the lack of trust in that person is a life of pure hell. If anything, taught me to be a lot more careful if there was a next time. There was a next time, very happy now, ha, went through thousands with no luck, but she was also looking, and found me, she also had very bad experiences with lack of trust.

Does it really take experiencing lack of trust to be a lot more careful?

This is an interesting post... I have experienced lack of trust, on several occasions, with previous bfs. That's part of what has made this whole thing seem so crazy to me. I think of myself as a non-trusting person. I've been asked by four other men to marry them and I said no to them all because I didn't feel that they could be trusted, that they were "worthy" or that I would be happy with them.

I thought that I had taken the time to be sure. He has treated me better than any other bf I've had, as I've previously mentioned. Just goes to show that you never know...

Please do not feel like the alone ranger....I am sure it happens more than it is admitted. I like Ling Ling's perspective....it seems that you have handled the issue very well. I agree with diadromous merma....by putting it out there and letting him know where you stand, and letting him know it will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Sounds like he is a good man despite the obvious messup. I say give him a second chance but please do not throw caution to the wind!!!!!

Thank you for your post. I've said very clearly that I will not accept this again from him. That if he does it again, it will be over for me. Caution is not being thrown to the wind.

I too am sure that it happens more than is admitted. My husband was just unlucky enough to get caught.

[betrayed 0]

I would concur with Sunshine. This is bothering you and you are talking yourself in circles about the issues. You can definitely use the resources of a knowledgeable and compassionate counselor to talk your mutual ways through the issue. You both have to hear what the other is saying, even if you don't like it, and then come to an agreement about how to proceed from here on. Marriage is hard work, especially in the early days, and there is a lot of accommodation that each must make for the other. Throw in different cultures, being miles from home and boredom and you do have a recipe for problems.

Two good friends of mine had what appeared to be the ideal marriage. He idolized her and she knew it and didn't abuse it. One afternoon we were talking and we started to talk about trust in relationships. I commented on how wonderful their relationship was. She told me it wasn't always that way, that earlier in their marriage he had cheated on her. She found out and it nearly tore their marriage apart. When he saw that he was in imminent danger of losing her, reality hit him hard. He knew he had behaved like an idiot. From then on his goal became trying to prove to her that she could trust him if she would only let him try. She loved him and decided she take the chance. The two of them worked on their marriage, she on forgiveness and he on earning her trust. Was it easy? No. But now, many years later they each know it was worth it. He never repeated the offense - never even wanted to - because he knew just how good a woman his wife was and he didn't want to lose her. She knows now in ways she never could before that she can trust him 100%. He learned the value of their relationship the hard way.

Give your husband the opportunity to prove that he can be trustworthy. He made some stupid mistakes but he may have learned a very valuable lesson from this mistake - just how important you are to him. Give him the opportunity to prove to you he can be trusted. If he blows it a second time then perhaps it is time to move on, but for now, give the two of you a chance. Working with a counselor will help you to address your feelings of anger and betrayal and sadness so that you can move on to forgiveness.

Good luck.

Thank you for your post. I agree that I may need counseling on my own to get past this. Who knows? Maybe I can just get through this with the help of VJ? Ha ha. Seriously, I am going to try though.

This post means a lot to me. I hope that my husband can also see the mistake that he's made and realizes that he'd be silly to lose me. I know that I am a good person. I am smart, have a good job, am attractive (imho) and I work hard to do right in this world (even without a defined religious perspective; spirituality is important to me).

Big hug!

TBoneTX, responses are below in blue.

The wife, by the way, remained single (all 33 years -- far beyond "old maid" down there!) till she met me, and NEVER would have had the patience to marry an Ecuatoriano, no man. She agrees that Peru is even worse for Machismo, probably worst in all of South America (even more so than Colombia). She says that the couple of lesser macho reactions that you mention (irritation at your spending time out with your amigas, etc.) are evidence that he has been typically affected by the natural macho culture there -- understandable. This requires working with those macho elements that you can stand.

My husband too waited a long time to get married, he's in his early 30s. I am older than he is in my late 30s. Yep, I know he does have a couple of the old school male reactions with his irritation at my spending time out with the girls and spending a lot of time at work. He actually asked me at some point after he was drinking if I had been having an affair.

She listened carefully to your situation as I summarized and then detailed it. She says:

1. Above all, do NOT in any way underestimate the culture shock, uprootedness, or fish-out-of-water syndrome. In fact, this could be the root of the whole situation.

(I will add to this my male perspective that, all too often, stuff bugs us, but we can't pinpoint in our heads what it is, much less articulate it or discuss it; therefore, we ACT, too often irresponsibly or stupidly, or at least thoughtlessly in the eyes of women. This elaborates on what I all-too-breezily wrote earlier: "women talk, men act." Now, back to the wife:)

I know that this has been super hard on him. Also that he wasn't able to send any money home was killing him as he was a major breadwinner in the family. I could see it in his eyes that he was sad. He was still so sad on Xmas even now that he's working; he had to work on the 26th, so we couldn't go see my family either. We spent it here in the city with some other Peruvians, which was great, but I know that it just wasn't the same for him, even if we did do all the Peruvian traditions. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I had to think that I'd be away from my family every year for most of the major holidays... hell, between traveling (once for fun and once to see him) and him working this year, I wasn't able to see my family for Xmas for the last 3 years either! Now he knows that it's only going to be once in a while.

2. Keep your eyes open for any CLEAR (that's an emphasis) further sign of actual (overt) unfaithfulness. Avoid overreacting unless something else happens that's CLEAR. There are obvious positive aspects to your current relationship, and to the situation, aside from his uprootedness.

Believe me, I am.

3. It's important to know either your respective ages, or (your preference) what the age-difference is and which of you is younger. If you feel uncomfortable posting this openly, please send me a PM with it.

I posted this above.

The wife is a happy-go-lucky loca much of the time (and she's engrossed in her favorite telenovela as I write this), but she is very wise indeed, and I respectfully hope that you'll duly consider her words. Gracias, by the way, for so graciously accepting what I've written thus far and for your attentive replies, si man!

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my posts, TBoneTX. Your responses have been helpful.

The sad part in all this, is I dont think he's remorseful, he's just trying to mend the relationship together for whatever reason. I would have a very detailed discussion with him, that he's at fault, and HE needs to correct it. No internet for him, no profile on networking sites for a while. Install the program that lets you know exactly what he's doing on the net to see if he's honest. I know people will say this doesnt build trust, cause she isnt trusting what he says. But he needs to EARN her trust now, its him who has to bear the burdern.

And above all, NO VISITS HOME SOLO. No visits for 2 months. He's in the US, you worked hard to get him here, here is his home. If he doesnt like the conditions, they are too restricting for a cheater, then you know he's not honest in showing you he wont do it again.

On a side note... just cause I'm evil and would want revenge on this #######, I'd make him call the girl, with me next to him, and tell her he's married, he doesnt love her, not to contact him, and all that jazz. Yes make him feel like a piece of #######, you didnt deserve him treating you like this!

There's 100s here who go through the same thing and do not resort to what he did. If he really is remorseful and you both want to work on this relationship, give him a chance but remember, he has to earn the trust back now, u don't hv to give it to him hoping this time he will not break it. All the best

We've actually talked about the home visits solo since our (my husband's and I) original discussions. I've made it clear that it will be some time before I would be comfortable with it. We currently have no plans to go back. Maybe over the summer, but it will be the both of us, if we go.

I think that my requirement that he tell his sister was big enough. She's extremely religious... I think that the erasal of the profile and the non contact with the girls is good enough for me. I really don't want them talking to my husband again, for any reason.

[betrayed 0]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

I think that would be little bit too silly. He's not a naughty kid that needs to be punished by shutting off the net. He, as an adult, has to stop his online activities voluntarily and not because she forces him to. Forcing him to stop it is the wrong way to go and sends him the wrong message, and I don't think that it would be satisfying for her, either.

Agreed...a child needs to be monitored, not a spouse. If you have to punish and monitor a spouse, the marriage is over.

Hi, nope, not shutting off access to the net. It's his lifeline to his family and friends as well. I'm not going to do that. It would be wrong. I couldn't imagine living without internet access!

If he thought what he was doing was OK, he wouldn't have done it under the cover of secrecy.

My point exactly. The fact that these were clandestine encounters indicates to me, culture or otherwise, that he knew his behaviour was violating their marital agreement. Otherwise, he would have openly cavorted without a mind to his wife's feelings.

The culture argument simply isn't cutting it for me. No offense to the OP, but I sense that he knew he was treading on thin ice, but also had reason to believe that your commitment to the marriage would mean that if found out, you would likely forgive him. There's nothing inherently wrong with offering forgiveness to someone that has commited transgressions, as long as that person is remorseful for his actions and takes the necessary steps to win your trust.

Yes, he obviously knew that what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn't have had the secret email and profile. I'm not sure that he knew that I would forgive him; he's told several of his friends that he thought he were going to separate.

He's done everything I asked him to do in regards to winning back the trust.

Ya know...I think you're gonna be just fine. Glad we could be here for you to vent off some steam.

Sounds like your husband understands the severity, and like he wants to get out of the dog-house, and never go there again.

Best of luck

Thank you!

I only ask that you keep us informed. I really hope the best for you!

Absolutely, will do.

It's funny how I then had to go and create a secret profile to talk about this whole thing...

[sereia 0]

So why not install that program on your computer to track him? How could SAY he has no more profiles or chats but how will you really know?

[Ban Hammer 12,886]

So why not install that program on your computer to track him? How could SAY he has no more profiles or chats but how will you really know?

that may not be legal in some states.......

from one site selling keyloggers:

POSSIBILITY OF LEGAL INTERFERENCE

Before using any of our products, documentation and web site you must understand that under some circumstances and under certain legal conditions your use\misuse of the software can lead you to a court (a legal action can be taken against you). Make sure using our software does not interfere with your local laws. You must understand that if your actions will be classified as 'intruding third party privacy' you will be the only person responsible for this. Superkeylogger.com will never take responsibility for any action of final users. It is the final user's responsibility to obey all applicable local, state, and federal laws.

link

[sereia 0]

Thanks for the info. I have never heard of those types of programs before VJ (or ever used it) so I had no idea of the legalities of it in certain areas!

[bhajishah 4]

Why not ground the poor little fella too hs room for 2 weeks no tv or anything.!!!!!

[diadromous mermaid 36]

He's done everything I asked him to do in regards to winning back the trust.

Could it be that easy? Really? If so, my earlier comment stands. I don't recommend that anyone exaggerate anything in the way of making sure someone makes retribution, but honestly, an act, or rather two acts in this case, that brought your marriage to its knees, and now the individual that breached the trust has miraculously restored that trust, in a matter of a couple of days, JUST LIKE THAT?

Please, for your own sake, reconsider this. It took you both many months, I suspect, in the beginning of your courtship to open up to each other and to feel like letting your guard down. It can't be rebuilt in a day. Otherwise, your reaction to this whole affair was a tempest in a tea cup. UNLESS, as I said earlier, you are generally unreasonably forgiving that he is taking advantage of that fact.

Edited January 3, 2009 by diadromous mermaid

[Ling Ling 22]

He's done everything I asked him to do in regards to winning back the trust.

Could it be that easy? Really? If so, my earlier comment stands. I don't recommend that anyone exaggerate anything in the way of making sure someone makes retribution, but honestly, an act, or rather two acts in this case, that brought your marriage to its knees, and now the individual that breached the trust has miraculously restored that trust, in a matter of a couple of days, JUST LIKE THAT?

Please, for your own sake, reconsider this. It took you both many months, I suspect, in the beginning of your courtship to open up to each other and to feel like letting your guard down. It can't be rebuilt in a day. Otherwise, your reaction to this whole affair was a tempest in a tea cup. UNLESS, as I said earlier, you are generally unreasonably forgiving that he is taking advantage of that fact.

Actually, it is that easy.

If it's just lust, puppy love, or infatuation, there's probably very little incentive to trust them again, or to try to make it work.

If you really love someone for who they are, and not just because they were convenient, easy, and obedient, then you'll try.

I believe that giving them your trust again does take a lot of heart, but it's easy if you love them.

I mean, if you don't give them another chance, you're also not giving yourself another chance at happiness. You'll have to wonder for the rest of your life,

"could it have worked?". If you give them another chance and they blow it....you walk away knowing that it wasn't because you were unreasonable.

If you give them another chance and it works out...what's better than that?

I think too many people expect a fairy tale marriage. Prince proposes, princess accepts, they get married, they live happily ever after.

It takes a lot of work....not 50/50 but 100% from each side. Happily ever after is sometimes filled with arguments, late night discussions,

sleeping on the couch, crying, venting on VJ, etc. Happily ever after is hard work and compromise by both spouses. Happily ever after is not a destination, but a journey.

Happily ever after is not the absence of difficulty, but the ability to overcome difficulty.

[Jamie76 0]

So why not install that program on your computer to track him? How could SAY he has no more profiles or chats but how will you really know?

that may not be legal in some states.......

from one site selling keyloggers:

POSSIBILITY OF LEGAL INTERFERENCE

Before using any of our products, documentation and web site you must understand that under some circumstances and under certain legal conditions your use\misuse of the software can lead you to a court (a legal action can be taken against you). Make sure using our software does not interfere with your local laws. You must understand that if your actions will be classified as 'intruding third party privacy' you will be the only person responsible for this. Superkeylogger.com will never take responsibility for any action of final users. It is the final user's responsibility to obey all applicable local, state, and federal laws.

link

It's her computer, she can do as she pleases. The company is basically stating, don't use the software for things like, stealing peoples information, id's etc.

[Ling Ling 22]

So why not install that program on your computer to track him? How could SAY he has no more profiles or chats but how will you really know?

that may not be legal in some states.......

from one site selling keyloggers:

POSSIBILITY OF LEGAL INTERFERENCE

Before using any of our products, documentation and web site you must understand that under some circumstances and under certain legal conditions your use\misuse of the software can lead you to a court (a legal action can be taken against you). Make sure using our software does not interfere with your local laws. You must understand that if your actions will be classified as 'intruding third party privacy' you will be the only person responsible for this. Superkeylogger.com will never take responsibility for any action of final users. It is the final user's responsibility to obey all applicable local, state, and federal laws.

link

It's her computer, she can do as she pleases. The company is basically stating, don't use the software for things like, stealing peoples information, id's etc.

That's pretty broad advice you're giving. Certain states have privacy and electronic monitoring laws that might end someone in court.

Think about your phone. It's your phone, but if you record a conversation, you have to give notice, and in some cases get permission.

This is one of those situations where 2 liberties clash. For example, if I'm outside your home at 2am screaming the Pledge of Allegiance, my freedom of speech can not infringe your right to quiet enjoyment of your home.

[Ban Hammer 12,886]

So why not install that program on your computer to track him? How could SAY he has no more profiles or chats but how will you really know?

that may not be legal in some states.......

from one site selling keyloggers:

POSSIBILITY OF LEGAL INTERFERENCE

Before using any of our products, documentation and web site you must understand that under some circumstances and under certain legal conditions your use\misuse of the software can lead you to a court (a legal action can be taken against you). Make sure using our software does not interfere with your local laws. You must understand that if your actions will be classified as 'intruding third party privacy' you will be the only person responsible for this. Superkeylogger.com will never take responsibility for any action of final users. It is the final user's responsibility to obey all applicable local, state, and federal laws.

link

It's her computer, she can do as she pleases. The company is basically stating, don't use the software for things like, stealing peoples information, id's etc.

That's pretty broad advice you're giving. Certain states have privacy and electronic monitoring laws that might end someone in court.

Think about your phone. It's your phone, but if you record a conversation, you have to give notice, and in some cases get permission.

This is one of those situations where 2 liberties clash. For example, if I'm outside your home at 2am screaming the Pledge of Allegiance, my freedom of speech can not infringe your right to quiet enjoyment of your home.

and i have seen court cases where parents installed this same type of software on their computer to monitor their kid's internet activity and got in hot water legally.

so let's review: person owns the computer + same person installs software to monitor other users = potential violation of privacy issue along with possible court action and lawyer fees.

eta: did a brief search in this forum and found the link, as this very topic has come up before:

link

Edited January 4, 2009 by charles!

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Ling Ling,

I am NOT questioning the motive for wanting to repair the marriage and the wish to rebuild trust between the parties. I am questioning the OP's willingness to accept a promise that things won't occur again as sufficient to offer her complete trust to him so quickle and so soon. This was not some simple misunderstanding, at least not from the OP's words and comments. This series of actions brought the marriage to a critical state. The OP was contemplating divorce as a result o his actions. If a simple promise can restore the trust, then it causes me to wonder how significant the actions really were to the marriage's future.

As I said earlier, I am not proposing that anyone draw out, unnecessarily, the steps required to restore faith in one another, but I am saying that if she is willing to take a mere utterance from her errant husband as enough to offer unconditional acceptance of him, she might be compounding the problem, or at least, her approach to this relationship might have caused the opportunity for this to occur in the first place.

A couple needs to define what is acceptable behavior by communicating where the boundaries between what will be tolerated and what will not be tolerated lie. This should be done arly on in the relationship. But if not, certainly after an event of this magnetism. And in order to make sure that neither breach the trust, one has to stand firm on boundaries and set consequences that will occur if those boundaries are not honoured.

He's done everything I asked him to do in regards to winning back the trust.

Could it be that easy? Really? If so, my earlier comment stands. I don't recommend that anyone exaggerate anything in the way of making sure someone makes retribution, but honestly, an act, or rather two acts in this case, that brought your marriage to its knees, and now the individual that breached the trust has miraculously restored that trust, in a matter of a couple of days, JUST LIKE THAT?

Please, for your own sake, reconsider this. It took you both many months, I suspect, in the beginning of your courtship to open up to each other and to feel like letting your guard down. It can't be rebuilt in a day. Otherwise, your reaction to this whole affair was a tempest in a tea cup. UNLESS, as I said earlier, you are generally unreasonably forgiving that he is taking advantage of that fact.

Actually, it is that easy.

If it's just lust, puppy love, or infatuation, there's probably very little incentive to trust them again, or to try to make it work.

If you really love someone for who they are, and not just because they were convenient, easy, and obedient, then you'll try.

I believe that giving them your trust again does take a lot of heart, but it's easy if you love them.

I mean, if you don't give them another chance, you're also not giving yourself another chance at happiness. You'll have to wonder for the rest of your life,

"could it have worked?". If you give them another chance and they blow it....you walk away knowing that it wasn't because you were unreasonable.

If you give them another chance and it works out...what's better than that?

I think too many people expect a fairy tale marriage. Prince proposes, princess accepts, they get married, they live happily ever after.

It takes a lot of work....not 50/50 but 100% from each side. Happily ever after is sometimes filled with arguments, late night discussions,

sleeping on the couch, crying, venting on VJ, etc. Happily ever after is hard work and compromise by both spouses. Happily ever after is not a destination, but a journey.

Happily ever after is not the absence of difficulty, but the ability to overcome difficulty.

[morocco4ever 63]

Actually, it is that easy.

What incredible luck for a man (or woman for that matter) that has no intentions on stopping. It gives them an opportunity to hide their indescretions better next. Perhaps better advice would have been to close her eyes and let him do what he wants. Who was it that said that forgiveness shows the highest love? So true, it's a shame that it is the one that has been cheated on rather than the cheater that is willing to show that kind of devotion.