My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[betrayed 0]

Hi all,

I'm a member here, but I don't want to post under my regular name because I'm too embarrassed about what's been going on...

I've been messed up for the last couple of weeks here... My husband, who I worked long and hard to get to the US awhile back, I found out recently was having an online affair with 2 girls in his home country. It looks like this was going on before he came here too... He has his conditional green card now.

He's told me that he kissed one of them one time when he was out dancing (yeah right) and that that was it. But he was for sure writing her. Before we got married, after we got married, the whole bit. Telling her that he loved her...

The other one he swears was just online writing, something that he did to pass the time.

Keep in mind that this man and I have been together for 2 years now. We did long distance to Peru from the US for a year and a half before he got here.

This all got started because I found a picture of him in our pictures section (I was going to look at our wedding pictures) and there were all these little pictures of kissing, hugging stuff, stuff to put on someone's page on a social networking site. I was like, "What??" Also there was a picture of him that someone had downloaded and then wrote "I love you" on it...

I checked the social networking site and found out that he had a second profile! One that said he was looking for open relationships and he was friends with all of these other women. He'd also been emailing them through a second email acct that he created to communicate with them. Such bs... I couldn't even believe it.

He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now.

That I'm the one that he loves... now of course I'm wondering if the whole thing was just a scam to get here... how else could I feel differently? He was telling the other two girls that he loved them. What a crock...

I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid.

Any thoughts? I really need some help.

[Dakine 26]

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

[Gigli2008 70]

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

I hope that's true, especially after the conditions are removed.

Edited December 31, 2008 by Gigli2008

[betrayed 0]

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

Hi...

Thanks for the response. I pray to god that it's just something stupid... but now I'm seeing all these little things that I'd never thought about before.

He told me that he wanted to go back to Peru alone so we could save money for example. No way is he going to Peru alone for a long friggin' time. I can't trust him. At one point he told me that he wanted to go back home for two months... ?? Omg. I'm sorry, I'm still freaking out here.

I feel like I don't even know the man that I married. I mean, I married this man in front of god and my family and my friends and he was emailing another woman at the same time as the marriage right after he got here that he loved her?? It sickens me...

And all the time that I've spent and all the money I've spent... I've changed my name. I've changed everything, my insurance, my benefits, all of it because it was real for me... I feel so stupid...

How do I get beyond this??

[Nagishkaw 510]

0nly you can decide what is acceptable . Can you forgive him? Do you want the relationship to continue? He has betrayed you and your trust. Can you ever trust him again? 0nly you know the answers to these questions.

[betrayed 0]

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

I hope that's true, especially after the conditions are removed.

The conditions are not removed... he just got his conditional green card. I guess that I'll have to wait and see in the next little while to see if he does anything else stupid. If so, it's over. I will not apply for him to get his conditions removed if this bs continues... I'll have my answer if he continues being stupid.

[Ling Ling 22]

This may get more responses if this gets moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes...".

For what it's worth, I'd say that it could very well be harmless.

Lots of people like to play out fantasies online....that have nothing to do with their real life or interests.

My wife plays an online game called "Mob Wars". The chances of her deciding to go into the mob are zero.

You haven't said how long you've been living together....or how things are otherwise.

If everything else seams alright at home...you probably have nothing to worry about.

If things had been uneasy before...this may be good reason to feel angry and injured.

Good Luck!

[inGODShands 0]

I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make it right!!! That's totally unacceptable in my opinion. I hate when people cheat on their spouses!!! Why bother getting married if you are clearly not ready to settle down??? I'm sorry sweetheart... this just makes me angry! You deserve better than that. He owes it to you to be honest with you and tell you what's REALLY going on. I'll make sure to keep you in my prayers. I sincerely wish you the very best that life has to offer. You don't deserve any of this.

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

[betrayed 0]

0nly you can decide what is acceptable . Can you forgive him? Do you want the relationship to continue? He has betrayed you and your trust. Can you ever trust him again? 0nly you know the answers to these questions.

The stupid part of this for me is that I do love him soo much... I currently want the relationship to continue, but I need to know that it's real, and I don't know how I can be sure of that ever again. I'm starting to wonder if we're going to need counseling in order to make this work for me.

I don't know that I can get past it on my own. I've barely been able to eat, I look at him and all I see is a man who has been telling me lies for MONTHS... and god truly knows for real how long...

[Nagishkaw 510]

0nly you can decide what is acceptable . Can you forgive him? Do you want the relationship to continue? He has betrayed you and your trust. Can you ever trust him again? 0nly you know the answers to these questions.

The stupid part of this for me is that I do love him soo much... I currently want the relationship to continue, but I need to know that it's real, and I don't know how I can be sure of that ever again. I'm starting to wonder if we're going to need counseling in order to make this work for me.

I don't know that I can get past it on my own. I've barely been able to eat, I look at him and all I see is a man who has been telling me lies for MONTHS... and god truly knows for real how long...

I understand. All I can do is pray for you, and I promise I will go do that now.

[betrayed 0]

This may get more responses if this gets moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes...".

For what it's worth, I'd say that it could very well be harmless.

Lots of people like to play out fantasies online....that have nothing to do with their real life or interests.

My wife plays an online game called "Mob Wars". The chances of her deciding to go into the mob are zero.

You haven't said how long you've been living together....or how things are otherwise.

If everything else seams alright at home...you probably have nothing to worry about.

If things had been uneasy before...this may be good reason to feel angry and injured.

Good Luck!

We've been living together since May here in the States; I visited him many times in Peru and we spent a significant amount of time down there together. I lived there for a while.

Things have never been uneasy, hence part of the reason that I am so flabbergasted by the whole thing...

I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make it right!!! That's totally unacceptable in my opinion. I hate when people cheat on their spouses!!! Why bother getting married if you are clearly not ready to settle down??? I'm sorry sweetheart... this just makes me angry! You deserve better than that. He owes it to you to be honest with you and tell you what's REALLY going on. I'll make sure to keep you in my prayers. I sincerely wish you the very best that life has to offer. You don't deserve any of this.

I agree, the online affair is unacceptable. Why did he marry me if he was still writing her? What did he think was going to happen? He could be here, get his green card and then divorce me and get someone else up here? I seriously do wonder that. I let him know that legally he'd have to wait five years after this whole process even to get anyone up here. (I have a friend who's a lawyer that I've already talked to about this.)

Thanks for saying that I don't deserve it; I know that I don't. I've felt like I've had the ground ripped out from under me...

[Ban Hammer 12,848]

This may get more responses if this gets moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes...".

agreed....and mbc to there.

[Ling Ling 22]

This may get more responses if this gets moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes...".

For what it's worth, I'd say that it could very well be harmless.

Lots of people like to play out fantasies online....that have nothing to do with their real life or interests.

My wife plays an online game called "Mob Wars". The chances of her deciding to go into the mob are zero.

You haven't said how long you've been living together....or how things are otherwise.

If everything else seams alright at home...you probably have nothing to worry about.

If things had been uneasy before...this may be good reason to feel angry and injured.

Good Luck!

We've been living together since May here in the States; I visited him many times in Peru and we spent a significant amount of time down there together. I lived there for a while.

Things have never been uneasy, hence part of the reason that I am so flabbergasted by the whole thing...

Well...if you had no reason to suspect any problem before...perhaps you still have no reason to suspect any problem.

As someone said, only YOU can decide how to respond and deal with this.

That said, if you had no reason to distrust him before, then perhaps you still can trust him.

ON THE OTHER HAND....if he was in-fact having an online affair, it's still not the end of the world.

You may feel really stupid and silly right now, but you've been given this gift that may help...forgiveness.

Yes, forgiving him should still be an option. Although cheating is wrong, it can happen. You are not the first person

to ever be betrayed, and you're not the last. But before you can forgive him (if that's what it comes to)

he really does need to start being honest with you about what was going on.

You've invested not just time and money, but your heart into your marriage. Give him (yourself) an opportunity

to salvage it. It won't be easy, but few things worth having are ever easy.

[mnieto 2]

Being hurt as you are it won't be easy for you to figure out what to do. From my experience, sometimes the best way to cope is to take some time off from each other, if possible. Being away from him for a while will allow you to get a clear head and cool off a little bit, until you are sure what you want to do.

Men do all kinds of crazy stuff when they are bored,but it's tough that this had to happen that early in your marriage, when everything should be lovey-dovey and nobody else should be on either his or your mind. Don't do anything in a hurry,though.

[Ling Ling 22]

Don't do anything in a hurry,though.

I think this is absolutely the best advice

Not sure if I agree with the time away advice though.

Time away just gives both of you time to wonder what the other is thinking...doing...preparing to do.

I think now is the time to face each other, and get to the bottom of it.

Let it be known, how you feel and what your expectations are.

Give him an opportunity to either come clean, or dig his hole deeper with lies.

From the truth, you can build mountains of love. From lies, you can only dig holes of despair.