I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[Yhana 7]

Sorry  to hear your situation. Im a K1 visa beneficiary and Im proud of my hubby.  I can tell that ur wife is just after the green card. sorry for being candid, but its really obvious. 

[bigrob1 1]

24 minutes ago, bakphx1@aol.com said:

I would say go the intermediate step between keeping things the same and breaking up. It sounds like you do enjoy being together, though there seem to be barriers. In some ways, it sounds like you have a good relationship outside of the bedroom.  You don't have substance abuse problems or infidelity, which are the big deal breakers. If she's happy staying home and watching a movie with you, that may be where she wants to be.  My husband also would pick staying home over being around a lot of people he doesn't know, but is also happier to socialize in smaller groups. Most people won't pick to be alone with someone they have no feelings for given options. 

 

It sounds like you aren't communicating your problems with her.  The first she hears of your problems shouldn't be the day you break up. 

 

I would give her a chance to understand where you are coming from and find ways to make your marriage more fulfilling. 

 

It's hard to explain. I do enjoy being in her presence but I feel  that I'm giving too much. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual attention and I'm getting none of her sexual attention. I'm not saying she owes me anything but it's a marriage. We aren't in high school.

 

I haven't brought anything up to her yet but I can tell that she is clueless. I have talked to her about each one of the problems I listed here with the exception of the facebook issue. I'm going to bring up everything again once I calm down and can have a conversation calmly.

[bakphx1 785]

4 minutes ago, bigrob1 said:

 

It's hard to explain. I do enjoy being in her presence but I feel  that I'm giving too much. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual attention and I'm getting none of her sexual attention. I'm not saying she owes me anything but it's a marriage. We aren't in high school.

 

I haven't brought anything up to her yet but I can tell that she is clueless. I have talked to her about each one of the problems I listed here with the exception of the facebook issue. I'm going to bring up everything again once I calm down and can have a conversation calmly.

Doing it calmly is wise. Intimacy is important, so I hope there's a way. 

[noraliz73 243]

10 hours ago, bogrob said:

I thought about it  but I'm not sure how useful a marriage counselor would be. 

 

That's what I'm thinking but I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt since everyone needs some time to adjust to a new place. I'm her 2nd boyfriend in her life so as stupid as it sounds, I think she doesn't know how to love someone. 

I don’t think it’s she doesn’t know how to love someone.  Even animals and small children can do that.  You are right to have suspicions, but suggest counseling if talking to her hasn’t worked.  Maybe it is not you and she is unhappy here.  Not everyone ends up liking it here.  It’s hard to feel sexual when you are stressed and miserable.

[Going through 5,668]

13 minutes ago, bigrob1 said:

I haven't brought anything up to her yet but I can tell that she is clueless. I have talked to her about each one of the problems I listed here with the exception of the facebook issue. I'm going to bring up everything again once I calm down and can have a conversation calmly.

Might I suggest you put it in writing in a letter to her?  That way you can get your thoughts out more coherently and explain your side, what you may (or may not) understand about her side of things, and make it more of a loving and supportive approach?  Something she can take the time to digest.

 

The reason I suggest this is that---even with the best of intentions---those kinds of conversations never quite go as smoothly as we hope it will and can end in frustration/shouting match/words come out wrong/quick reactions/accusations/dissolve in tears and then the message gets lost in all of the emotion getting in the way of what you're trying to say.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Going through

[Lemonslice 4,589]

You might want to reach out to this poster, stories are very similar:

 

 

[Coco8 1,039]

Maybe try counseling first. She might have had a hard time adjusting or she is sad. You might want to find out if that explains her change in behavior. 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

7 hours ago, Aussielad said:

I think you have to take your goggles off....she DOES NOT wear her wedding ring...nothing at all on FB...she is NOT intimate with you....how much more evidence do you need....its right there in front of you...

 

the reality is that she DOES NOT love you....its a hard reality, but sometimes we have to accept it and let go.

 

All the red flags are there....you decide....God bless you.

Since when is Facebook central to a relationship? 

[NateAndJessica 200]

You need to talk to her not us. I think your afraid of the potential bad answer, your lying to yourself, she's only doing half the lying. 

Edited February 23, 2018 by NateAndJessica

[-Trinity- 513]

1 hour ago, bigrob1 said:

 

It's hard to explain. I do enjoy being in her presence but I feel  that I'm giving too much. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual attention and I'm getting none of her sexual attention. I'm not saying she owes me anything but it's a marriage. We aren't in high school.

 

I haven't brought anything up to her yet but I can tell that she is clueless. I have talked to her about each one of the problems I listed here with the exception of the facebook issue. I'm going to bring up everything again once I calm down and can have a conversation calmly.

Some people are givers, and others are takers. Usually it's how things develop within a relationship, I don't suggest this is right but it happens. Maybe she got used to being pampered all the time by you.

 

As another poster suggested, put all of your thoughts in a letter and give it to her. Have her react it in a timely manner.

And if nothing changes after all the effort you put into it, it's time to move on.

 

 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

5 hours ago, bigrob1 said:

Hey this is the op. I dont' know why but I can't post anymore. I don't know if there is a daily post limit or what since it says I have to wait 24 hours. Anyway, I created another account to at least try to get some more help. To answer your question, no, I wouldn't take her last name. It's because it's tradition to take the husbands last name in this country. I told her about that initially and she said yes. That's why I'm upset about it. 

Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's right. Just imagine being in a situation where you're supposed to change your name to prove your love. That's how you start developing empathy. 

[ASMS 86]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this.

 

Some of the things that you described might not be a reason to get divorced (the ring, the last name), but sex and affection are definitely important, and can't be ignored.

I honestly believe this person might be just using you, I've heard stories from women doing that in here (only for money), and you will be surprised how meticulous they are to avoid sex, but still give some feeling that everything it's ok, once they get questioned, they would find ways to make you believe that you are exaggerating, or ask for some time so they will fix whatever is bothering you (which can happen just temporarily). The real question is how much you do you want to risk for waiting for a change that might never come.

I don't think yo are being insecure, and even less being needy when you clearly are not receiving affection and love, and someone in love with you would give that.

 

Be careful once you talk with her about all this if you haven't already, marriage counseling or a simple conversation that makes her feel that you are aware of her intentions, would only make her say whatever you want to hear.

[Natyerus 18]

I am truly sorry for all the things happening between you and your "wife". If you don't mind let me ask you the following questions. 

*What did you tell her about life in America before she came to the state? Did you kinda EXAGGERATE about your income, job, house, car? 

* Is there a lot of Ethiopian community in your area? 

* Is she from Oromia or Amhara region? The reason I am asking these questions is because I think you know that there is civil unrest in some parts of Ethiopia and may be her families are in danger and she is worrying about them. 

 

[Marco&Bettina 502]

11 hours ago, Illiria said:

The last name thing, she probably didn’t realize how much it meant until she had moved and it may have felt like losing the last bit of her cultural identity.

 

The sex, why does it all come down to sex with men who import women, might be for other medical reasons not just meds. Friend of mine had sex with her boyfriends in her home town moved country for school and met someone new and developed Dyspareunia which led to vaginismus when she tried to push sex when she just wasn’t able to. Luckily she had an understanding boyfriend and was able to after several years of therapy and techniques to get her body to relax to have a normal sex life again. It was the stress of moving that led to the initial issue and pushing sex a couple of times that made it to the more complex issue. 

 

Not saying it’s this exact for her but she might be too embarrassed to tell you why she doesn’t want it, you did say you are only her second boyfriend.

 

You say she isn’t affectionate but also say she loves to cuddle when watching stuff, so which is it? Or by affectionate do you just mean sex or what you consider foreplay?

It doesn't "all come down to sex with men who import women". Geez. Sorry but "men who import women". What a statement. Whether a relationship is between 2 people from the same country who met traditionally or whether it's between 1 person from a country who met someone from another country that was willing to give up their entire life to be with them, sex is important. It's a normal thing in a relationship, unless something is going on behind the scenes. Sex is like the ultimate thing that you give of yourself to another person. It usually shows a certain level of commitment. When sex doesn't exist, it's only natural for one partner (the deprived one) to start feeling insecure and inadequate. It also can lower their self-esteem as said feelings grow over time. It's natural to then question the commitment level of the other person. I envy people who claim sex isn't important.

 

And for the record, I didn't import my spouse. That makes it sound like I just ordered her online like you order something from Amazon. Our spouses come here willingly. They leave literally everything behind. That's not importing. It's just a normal relationship, aside from the original distance gap.

[JE57 239]

You said a couple of things... Your are only the 2nd man she's been intimate with... .You said she will cuddle with you and that she allows (enjoys) you giving her Oral.  I would suggest a possible alternative narrative here....  She, unknown to herself, and unwilling to admit it is actually a Lesbian and she's depressed because she confused and scared that maybe just maybe she is a Lesbian and doesn't want to be.   It's a bit out there as  a theory but maybe something to consider given what you've said.   She didn't know it when you were with her in her home country either and it was only thru the experience with you that she's learning (reluctantly) that she's not into men.