Bad situation

[KCMO 84]

wow. OP if this thread is not helping you i suggest you seek advice from your friends or your family who understand your situaion better. i am sorry that there are people who jump to judgements without understanding the full picture your situation?. dont take these judgements personally. there are not about you ,they are often about themselves. Is there no mutual friend or family member who knew you both that can advice and help you move forward in this situation?. ultimately you need to decide if you want to stay and what does your truth tell about your relationship?. if it does not work for you then take small steps towards getting out and getting your own place or temporarily staying with a friend or something. i understand for you its more than about just splitting bills. its about companionship and caring. i hear from you that it is lacking your relationship as i read your posts.

Edited September 21, 2016 by KCMO

[BethyWink 96]

You all think cable is not a luxury?! She admits to buying things that are not luxuries. The minimum salary her husband has to have to have her out here is 20k, So if she makes 15k, and he makes JUST A MINIMUM of 20k (assuming no co-sponsor was associated with this case) I think it is completely reasonable to split the bills! And yes, if he is not using the pots and pans, woe is me, you have to buy them yourself!

So far the OP has stated that she has spent her money on the following:

1. Cable - a luxury that even most executive level employees have cut since everything streams now

2. taking her husband out to eat - SUPER luxury!

3. Clothing - a one time expense, that can be lessened by going to goodwill

4. her own transportation to and from work... - last I checked that should not be anyone's bill and if it takes that much to go back and forth, then find a better job. Uber, Lyft, Molly Maids, warehouse jobs all pay decent and have normal working hours

She is complaining about pitching in for the following bills:

1. RENT

2. ELECTRIC

3. PHONE

Tell me again how this post is not a frivolous excuse to complain about her husband and get sympathy? There are two sides to every story.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

no changing read carefully and please stop making fun of my situation is this how you treat people thank you all

So how much exactly your husband is making per month?

I thought you guys were planning to go to Canada a while ago?

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

wow. OP if this thread is not helping you i suggest you seek advice from your friends or your family who understand your situaion better. i am sorry that there are people who jump to judgements without understanding the full picture your situation?. dont take these judgements personally. there are not about you ,they are often about themselves. Is there no mutual friend or family member who knew you both that can advice and help you move forward in this situation?. ultimately you need to decide if you want to stay and what does your truth tell about your relationship?. if it does not work for you then take small steps towards getting out and getting your own place or temporarily staying with a friend or something. i understand for you its more than about just splitting bills. its about companionship and caring. i hear from you that it is lacking your relationship as i read your posts.

OP is dancing around the main reason for posting here..Her main concern is her status here.

Her postings have nothing to do with immigration if she wants to dodge the big elephant in the room.

if she needs help with her marriage, this is not the place.

[B_J 2,752]

Wow, VJ never ceases to disappoint me.

OP, your husband is a jerk.

That is all.

[KCMO 84]

OP is dancing around the main reason for posting here..Her main concern is her status here.

Her postings have nothing to do with immigration if she wants to dodge the big elephant in the room.

if she needs help with her marriage, this is not the place.

As i have said in my other post op has expressed in her posts to the best of her ability that she feels that there is lack of care in her relationship ( its not just about splitting bills , its about feeling like there is emotional support, which i feel is lacking in op's marriage based on what she has written in her posts).i feel she is perhaps contemplating divorce and starting an roc with divorce waiver (but is afraid to do so because of the cultural diffferences), while knowing may be thats what she needs to do. i dont think she is dishonest here. all i see is many people jumping to harsh judgements without understnding tht for someone who is from different culture where divorce is not normal and the decision can be difficult .She perhaps now is in ' i dont know what to do or how to do ' place. she cane here for advice on manythings including roc but now i see she is having to defend herselfbecause of various misinterpretations or misunderstandings. sad. that is why i suggested to her to seek advice of her friends and family about not only the possible divorce but also next step in Roc. Edited September 21, 2016 by KCMO

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

You all think cable is not a luxury?! She admits to buying things that are not luxuries. The minimum salary her husband has to have to have her out here is 20k, So if she makes 15k, and he makes JUST A MINIMUM of 20k (assuming no co-sponsor was associated with this case) I think it is completely reasonable to split the bills! And yes, if he is not using the pots and pans, woe is me, you have to buy them yourself!

So far the OP has stated that she has spent her money on the following:

1. Cable - a luxury that even most executive level employees have cut since everything streams now - She can get an antenna for $20 to $70 and get local channels for FREE

2. taking her husband out to eat - SUPER luxury! - Home cook meals (but wait, aint that the same dude that wont talk her to work? why take him to a restaurant?

3. Clothing - a one time expense, that can be lessened by going to goodwill - Good option

4. her own transportation to and from work... - last I checked that should not be anyone's bill and if it takes that much to go back and forth, then find a better job. Uber, Lyft, Molly Maids, warehouse jobs all pay decent and have normal working hours, Instacart is another option

She is complaining about pitching in for the following bills:

1. RENT

2. ELECTRIC

3. PHONE

Tell me again how this post is not a frivolous excuse to complain about her husband and get sympathy? There are two sides to every story.

[Ciyara 11]

You all think cable is not a luxury?! She admits to buying things that are not luxuries. The minimum salary her husband has to have to have her out here is 20k, So if she makes 15k, and he makes JUST A MINIMUM of 20k (assuming no co-sponsor was associated with this case) I think it is completely reasonable to split the bills! And yes, if he is not using the pots and pans, woe is me, you have to buy them yourself!

So far the OP has stated that she has spent her money on the following:

1. Cable - a luxury that even most executive level employees have cut since everything streams now

2. taking her husband out to eat - SUPER luxury!

3. Clothing - a one time expense, that can be lessened by going to goodwill

4. her own transportation to and from work... - last I checked that should not be anyone's bill and if it takes that much to go back and forth, then find a better job. Uber, Lyft, Molly Maids, warehouse jobs all pay decent and have normal working hours

She is complaining about pitching in for the following bills:

1. RENT

2. ELECTRIC

3. PHONE

Tell me again how this post is not a frivolous excuse to complain about her husband and get sympathy? There are two sides to every story.

the thing is he want me to pay helf of rent and full electricity and gass and cable + food and he only wants to pay his car stuff and half the rent so im supposed as you all of you agreed pay half the rent full amount of gass cable electricity and food and he only pays for half of the rent ans his car stuff good to know

[Merrytooth 5,748]

the thing is he want me to pay helf of rent and full electricity and gass and cable + food and he only wants to pay his car stuff and half the rent so im supposed as you all of you agreed pay half the rent full amount of gass cable electricity and food and he only pays for half of the rent ans his car stuff good to know

So TELL US how much he makes per month!

[.yana 586]

the thing is he want me to pay helf of rent and full electricity and gass and cable + food and he only wants to pay his car stuff and half the rent so im supposed as you all of you agreed pay half the rent full amount of gass cable electricity and food and he only pays for half of the rent ans his car stuff good to know

Cut off the cable. Just tell him "Look, I'm sorry, money is tight, and unfortunately we can't afford cable right now, unless you would like to pay for it yourself".

Cable is definitely not a necessity.

Gas+electric is probably $50/month or so?

As far as food goes - well, he'll have to get used to eating lots of pasta and rice. Again, buy only what you can afford if he insists on making you pay for it.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

As i have said in my other post op has expressed in her posts to the best of her ability that she feels that there is lack of care in her relationship ( its not just about splitting bills , its about feeling like there is emotional support, which i feel is lacking in op's marriage based on what she has written in her posts).i feel she is perhaps contemplating divorce and starting an roc with divorce waiver (but is afraid to do so because of the cultural diffferences), while knowing may be thats what she needs to do. i dont think she is dishonest here. all i see is many people jumping to harsh judgements without understnding tht for someone who is from different culture where divorce is not normal and the decision can be difficult .She perhaps now is in ' i dont know what to do or how to do ' place. she cane here for advice on manythings including roc but now i see she is having to defend herselfbecause of various misinterpretations or misunderstandings. sad. that is why i suggested to her to seek advice of her friends and family about not only the possible divorce but also next step in Roc.

That is the main question that i think she has been dodging.

If I read correctly, she has been here 8 months so she is not near ROC. That's why I find this as a plot so set the ball rolling.

if She had come straight with that, I bet there would have been fewer judgement against her. She said she would rather [stay here single than to go home divorced] so is she afraid of divorce or just afraid of getting sent back home?

This really has nothing to do with Mexican culture. it is contrary for Mexican men to behave this way to their women. Not all of them but typically, their men stay around through thick and thin. She is 22 yrs old not a middle-age woman with kids who is afraid of what others will say about her.

But I respect and understand your point.

[Ciyara 11]

Cut off the cable. Just tell him "Look, I'm sorry, money is tight, and unfortunately we can't afford cable right now, unless you would like to pay for it yourself".

Cable is definitely not a necessity.

Gas+electric is probably $50/month or so?

As far as food goes - well, he'll have to get used to eating lots of pasta and rice. Again, buy only what you can afford if he insists on making you pay for it.

thank you for responding I'll try to talk again about this and see how it's going to get Us thank you

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Wow, VJ never ceases to disappoint me.

OP, your husband is a jerk.

That is all.

This.

I've been the immigrant, and also the spouse of an immigrant. The first few years in a new country can be difficult, disheartening and baffling. If the OP's tale is true, her husband is a selfish ####. There is nothing out of the ordinary in expecting one's spouse to contribute to the household economy. What is bizarre is the husband's refusal to assist her in getting situated in this country, by helping her navigate the healthcare system and at the very least establishing a joint account for household expenses. One can keep separate accounts for individual use, while still having a joint account for those expenses incurred jointly. This isn't brain surgery.

I just can't wrap my head around the idea that there are husbands who do not wish to assist their wives, and vice versa, when times are tougher for one spouse than the other, and that this is okay, because "that's just how some people are." Marriage is a joint enterprise based on trust. Trust that the other spouse will be there for you when times are hard, or you're sick, or frustrated, or need moral support. Without these interconnections, the marriage is little more than a roommate situation with benefits. Marriage is more than two individuals -- it is the creation of a new entity formed from the love and labour of the two who came together. Why even bother to get married if you're not willing to actually form a union?

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

You don't have to pay cable, rent, electric , if none of that is in your name. You have no contract with him.

But he can kick you out to find your own place and pay all of your bills on your own..

You can pay half the rent, half electric and leave the cable out if you don't watch tv (especially if it is in his name).

[dawning 212]

thank you for understanding, like i said i don't mind paying at all

Thank you for answering. I am sorry some of the people here are being so mean to you. As someone else said, it is probably more about them and their lives than anything to do with you. And discussions about money, and especially money in relationships, push buttons for some people. Just take the best advice you can see in the answers, and don't worry about the others. It doesn't matter if people on the forum think it's fair how you and your husband handle your finances, what matters is if YOU think it's fair. If not, there are people like counselors that can help you sort out what to do about.

Best wishes in working out what to do. If you feel too alone and need to talk to someone you can message me.