Do I have it Made or not?

[vermont77 12]

Me and my wife from the DR married Sept. 2015 in the USA on a k1 visa. She didn't get her work permit until March 2016. In the meantime, she really helped a lot with my business from home. She cooks for me, cleans, just does everything...until it comes to money. I didn't pay her much because she wasn't an employee. She helped the business because that is my "our" main income. This is the way I was able to spend the thousands to get her here to marry me and live with me. I flew to the DR many times, stayed at nice hotels, traveled, took her shopping, got her an apartment. She wasn't working at the time. Mysteriously, she lost her job 1 week after we met. They laid her off. She was a secretary for a large company. I know that secretaries are usually not the 1st to be laid off. Good secretaries are hard to find. She was paid peanuts but she worked for the company for 7 years. Anyways, this gets to where I am going with this. She actually expected me to give her a paycheck every week while she was helping 'my business'. Don't worry about the $20,000 I spent getting to know her and her travels to the US OF A. Don't worry about my mortgage, utilities, phone, car payment, health insurance. Excuse me...but life here in the 'greatest country on earth' is not free.

I always made sure she had some cash in her purse. What woman likes to go downtown and not have a $100 or so in her purse. I bought her clothes, shoes, winter clothes, the whole 9 yards. Fast forward a few months, her aunt passed in March 2016. She had to fly down for the funeral, which is 7 days of mourning. Here in the USA we have a wake, funeral, after-get-together and that is it. In the DR, culture is to mourn and celebrate for 7 days. She also needed to get a tooth implant replaced. She told me it would be cheaper getting this done in the DR. It ended up not being cheap. I had to pay for an apartment we no longer needed, her food, dental costs and her share of the 7 days of mourning. Imagine providing food for every John, ####### and Mary that came into your house to mourn her aunt. Half of these people didn't even know the lady, they just came for the free drink and food. Anyways, lesson learned...she stayed 30 days and came back. This was in the height of a New England winter, which is generally brutal cold. She never left her country before so I could understand this being her first winter, her body couldn't handle it. She knew where I lived. I told her way before she came to the states, that honey...I live in the country in Vermont. Here cold in the winter has a different meaning. She is so cute, she always said "I'd rather have it cold than blistering hot". We had a pleasant first part of winter and everyone kept telling her 'you haven't seen anything yet'. Needless to say, the heating costs were double this winter with my wife present. I never complained. I wanted her to be comfortable. It was an oven inside the house.

Ok, so...let's get to the point now right? Fast forward to April, 2016, she is back and now its time to get a job. Her English isn't bad, but it's not great either. I had her taking free English classes here but she dropped out after 5 of them. She knows enough English to work in a factory or do housekeeping, but cashier or secretary, probably not. We started getting applications. It turned into a hobby, she got an application from almost everywhere that had a now hiring sign. We had maybe 50 of them stacked up on the kitchen counter. Did they ever get filled out? Nope. I offered to fill them out for her, but she never showed any interest in actually filling them out. It was to much work. Well, a break came through, big break. My neighbor knows the general manager of a local hotel and he said she is looking for housekeepers, full-time. I take her to the interview, she gets hired and starts working 3 days later. She doesn't have a license in the USA, so I bring her to and from work, it's a 40 mile trip both ways. She needed to work. We were both going crazy being at home 24/7 together.

She has been working now almost 3 months and she has been promoted. Her boss loves her, she is a hard worker and stays until the last room is completed. Most of the other housekeepers call out on a daily basis with the same excuses. Some don't even show up, but she barrels through and works hard.

Now, her 1st paycheck. I told her, here in the USA we have to pay taxes. Expect 15-17% of your wages to go to the local and federal government. Back in the DR, they don't take taxes out. They don't pay you very much either, but it is also not a 1st world country. I don't like paying taxes any more than the next person, but I pay them. I don't want to go to prison. She gets her first paycheck and her mentality now is she is working for free. Haha, right, I feel the same way. I own a small business and pay thousands of dollars in taxes. Welcome to the USA.

Here is my dilemma: She still does everything around the house - cooks, cleans etc, but she won't contribute towards bills. We want to move into a larger house and possibly have a baby, but I don't make enough to do this on my own. I give her examples like my brothers who are married. It takes 2 incomes to build a life together. I don't want to seem biased to her country. She comes from a country, where the government doesn't care about its people. They don't earn much but they also don't pay taxes. They don't contribute anything to building the country. Here our streets are paved, we have social services. In the DR, you need to pay for everything. Streets are in miserable shape, parks are rarely cleaned. Her mentality is "I worked hard for this money and I don't want to part with it" or she will say "You were paying the mortgage before I came. You were paying the car payment, light bill, phone bill etc etc". Why do I need to pay it? If you were paying it already. She doesn't have the mindset of contributing within a marriage. Yes, she cooks, cleans and does everything around the house. I am very thankful for her hard work, and try to show her my appreciation by going on vacations with her or taking her to the mall and buying her things that she wants.

Has anyone been in this situation with your wife/husband and how did you tackle it? She pays for food, which is a big expense of $400 a month. She doesn't make much money and she is saving for a car. But, I have told her that in the USA you can save a few hundred dollars a month for your car and pay money towards bills and not have much left over at the end of the month. That is common here unless you are in he 1%.

[Cathi 5,771]

tell her if she wants a larger home she has to contribute or she will not get the bigger home she wants.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Your money should go to support the two of you, but her money is hers alone. That's a recipe for divorce.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

That's the mentality in DR unfortunately many belive Americans find money lying in the streets not sure. You go there and everyone eats drinks on you no one will pay a thing. I'm Dominican American by birth and I go there and spend thousands on one trip.

And over there they belive it the mans job to support the family....wait for the family hitting you up for money that's next.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Anitafeliz

[vermont77 12]

I am lucky only her brother hits us up for money. Her family actually does well, most own businesses and some are nurses and 1 is a doctor. One of her brothers will knock up any woman in the DR, get her preggers and then beg for money. The poor guy works as a security guard for 35 cents US an hour, so I will throw him 50 bucks here and there, not as a loan, because he will never pay me back. I am lucky in that regard, that nobody from her family asks for money. BUT, when I come to the DR on vacation, It's pretty much expected that I pay everything, food, beer when I go out with her family.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

This seems to be a very common problem from many countries. Did you talk about house finances before you got married?

[NikLR 13,227]

Even in many American relationships, the husband pays all the bills and the wife uses her own money for her own things. I have found it's really common with southern couples. Our best friends are exactly like this. His wife wanted a bigger house and he said no, unless you're willing to put some money into it. She works but pays for her own car, child care (because shes working), and her student loans. His money is his money, and her money is her money. So if either of them want to make a large purchase, they just do it without consulting each other.

My husband essentially pays all the bills as well, but I contribute to the house hold financially, and save money for large purchases towards our home, vehicles, or for fun. We make sure to be able to live off a single income because what if someone loses their job? I do majority of the house work because I make a 1/3 of his income even though I work from 30-40 hours per week. We consult on large purchases because it affects us as a couple.

OP you guys need to sit down and seriously talk about finances. Obviously you're pretty decent with them if you've been running your own business in a place that's expensive to live like Vermont. America's Most expensive states Maybe she needs to hear it from a financial adviser? Come up with a plan on paper how you could afford a larger house or the expense of a family.

Edited June 5, 2016 by NLR

[christinebee 1]

I get your wife's point... you were paying for everything just fine before she started working, so why does she need to contribute that now? Maybe you both had different expectations going into the marriage. But I also understand needing the additional income if you two are really planning on getting a larger house. If she really wants that, I'm sure she'd work towards it but it seems she has her personal goals as well (at least she's saving up for her own car and not making you buy her one). I think in the end it's all about the expectations that are set. I am about to immigrate to the US to be with my husband and I asked him what he expected me to contribute to the household income, so that we have those expectations beforehand. Maybe have a serious talk with her about her current financial goals. Do you want a larger house and the baby right now more than she does? Maybe she's not contributing to that currently yet because she's got other things in mind first (like the car)? Maybe she's thinking ahead because when you guys have a baby, she'll want to be able to drive. Or were you expecting her to take care of the baby at home and not be able to run to the store to get food and diapers if she needed them? Just speculation. At the end of the day... if you love each other, the relationship is good, you're happy and you wouldn't mind continuing to work hard to provide those things for your family, then it doesn't seem so bad. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to tally up the bills. I love my husband, and if he needs help financially, I'd dish out all the money I have and then some and not bill him for it. And all I'd hope for in return is that if I needed the same help, that he'd provide it too if he can. Which he does. We both have had our ups and downs financially and I don't think we'd be very getting very far if I counted up all the times I spent money to go see him. You wanted to get to know your wife, right? Who cares how much it cost you, don't you think she is worth all of it and more? Would you really rather have kept all that money to yourself and not have her in your life? Did she MAKE you spend all that money to visit her and see her? Or did you want to see her as well? Just some questions to think about, everyone is different. My husband would be more than thrilled spotting rent + utilities if I cooked, cleaned, paid for food and also worked to have my own spending money. I'm way more ambitious than that, lucky for him. I will say though, kudos to you on providing her part for her family's 7-day mourning/celebration. Taking care of your wife is one thing, but taking care of her family in that way is extra. You deserve bonus points for that.

[p-ana 933]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/577877-separated-4-months-after-marriage-well-that-was-fun/

You two need to work on communicating better. You already have separated, you don't like her behavior... If you both don't talk to each other and come up to a common ground, these kind of situations will keep repeating themselves.

[Cheezees 1,514]

I think you both deserve each other. One enables while they other takes advantage. One "bought" a spouse and the "purchase" is giving them there money's worth. One does the majority of the unpaid housework and the other gets to complain. Both seemed to have discussed nothing to do with finances prior to marriage and said finances not seem to be joint. What exactly is the problem again?

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

I just read the other tread you are in deep ? Deep she has family here she is waiting on her gc and then goodbye.

[Cheezees 1,514]

OP, you stayed with her and you are posting for sympathy again. I don't know how much clearer she could have made her intentions. She showed them to you and everyone who responded you your original post showed you.

Does you have it made? Yeah! OP, you "made" your bed, now please lie in it WITHOUT bothering the rest of us. Thanks.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Cheezees

[vermont77 12]

We didn't end up separating long. We never talked about finances going into the marriage or before she came here to the USA. I talked to her about contributing money towards living expenses and she said to me "I see you are stressed and probably stressed about having a baby, so you know what? I no longer want a baby with you". She said she can go to a sperm bank if she wants to have a baby. She makes these ridiculous decisions and if I try to counter argue, she says she can leave and go back to her country. She is pleasant as sweet peas when were not having a serious conversation. We get along great, have fun together, but when it comes to making a decision or talking about our future, she doesn't have anything good to say. It's her way or the highway. So, I told her, we are going to live in this small house in Vermont forever. Unless, you want to start contributing to our future, this is our future.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

We didn't end up separating long. We never talked about finances going into the marriage or before she came here to the USA. I talked to her about contributing money towards living expenses and she said to me "I see you are stressed and probably stressed about having a baby, so you know what? I no longer want a baby with you". She said she can go to a sperm bank if she wants to have a baby. She makes these ridiculous decisions and if I try to counter argue, she says she can leave and go back to her country. She is pleasant as sweet peas when were not having a serious conversation. We get along great, have fun together, but when it comes to making a decision or talking about our future, she doesn't have anything good to say. It's her way or the highway. So, I told her, we are going to live in this small house in Vermont forever. Unless, you want to start contributing to our future, this is our future.

Nah, she'll leave you before then.

[Cheezees 1,514]

We didn't end up separating long. We never talked about finances going into the marriage or before she came here to the USA. I talked to her about contributing money towards living expenses and she said to me "I see you are stressed and probably stressed about having a baby, so you know what? I no longer want a baby with you". She said she can go to a sperm bank if she wants to have a baby. She makes these ridiculous decisions and if I try to counter argue, she says she can leave and go back to her country. She is pleasant as sweet peas when were not having a serious conversation. We get along great, have fun together, but when it comes to making a decision or talking about our future, she doesn't have anything good to say. It's her way or the highway. So, I told her, we are going to live in this small house in Vermont forever. Unless, you want to start contributing to our future, this is our future.

Why didn't you get a divorce, like, yesterday? Do you like the drama?