stepdaughter will not arrive unless we allow boyfriend to arrive

[Me_Theo 25]

Please , do not be mad from my words.

But that is your life, you choose your way.

I don't know about you. But if this happen to me. I will send her mom to be with her and his boy friend in their country. Just I will give divorce to her mom.

I don't like my wife start to thinks I am a donkey (jack ###) and need to abuse by this kind people.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Please , do not be mad from my words.

But that is your life, you choose your way.

I don't know about you. But if this happen to me. I will send her mom to be with her and his boy friend in their country. Just I will give divorce to her mom.

I don't like my wife start to thinks I am a donkey (jack ####) and need to abuse by this kind people.

We're cut from the same cloth it seems.

I'm almost embarrassed to read what the OP is posting.

[SennaBrigante 92]

We're all rooting for you OP. Don't be one of those husbands that gets bullied and taken advantage of by his wife and her family. No bueno.

[discoverusa 233]

Okay, first thing first. Your wife threaten to go home is a test (or at least that is what my wife did. She would just say, "I'll go back home." We had a major fight right around our first anniversary and she again threatened to go home. I looked up airfare and a RT ticket was not more expensive if I bought it for tomorrow or 3 months later. So I asked her if she was going home. She said "NO. I'll stay." Then I told her how close I was to sending her home. Once I called the bluff, it has not been used.) Most Kazakh women expect the man to be a MAN. So here is your chance.

I would tell them that the daughter can come over if that is what you wish. No guarantees on the BF. Should he still want to come to the US to study, HE must get a student visa. You might want to make the wife aware of the cost of things here in the US. College is not cheap nor is housing. Ask her where she and her daughter will get the $1000-$2000 per month for him to live on--make it clear that this is the daughter's decision and SHE has to pay for the BF. Might want to also remind her that in the US you really need a car and all the expenses that go with it.

If the daughter does not want to come over then she can get a job and go to school in Almaty or Pavlodar (much cheaper than Almaty). You can send her some extra money to help out. This is where $500 per month really goes a long way. If the wife decided to go home than I guess you will have no choice but let her go home, but I would give her an ultimatum that she has only so long before the marriage is over.

Go over everything that you want to happen with this situation and make your position crystal clear with all the possible out comes. Also explain what happens if the daughter get pregnant. Then see what happens. Right now the possible outcomes are daughter comes to US or does not. Wife goes home because daughter did not come to the US or wife stays in US with her new husband. Her prospects of a good husband in Kazakhstan are not very good--at least according to my wife when she talks about the men over there.

Good luck,

Dave

I really like what Dave said. No nonsense advice. Don't let teenager run your life.

Even if he gets student visa he will have to pay out of state tuition. It's thousands of dollars.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

You cannot be serious! I know that you probably want to do anything you can to make your new wife happy but if you go along with this plan (assuming he will even be allowed in) you are showing her and her daughter that you are a doormat.

Plus 17 year olds and relationships are usually pretty ephemeral, especially if she's going to be away from him for a year and at college! I think that you know that you shouldn't give in, but whatever you choose good luck, its a pretty tough ultimatum to be given.

[Hn&Ma 5]

To the OP: Have you had a heart felt conversation with your wife on the reasons she choose you as her husband and decided to start a life with you in the US? You haven't mentioned anything about your feelings over this issue, step back and think for yourself: "what about me, where do I stand in this whole thing"?

Your DIL didn't initially want to come and your wife knew this. She probably felt sad leaving her daughter behind like most mothers would feel, and still decided to emigrate to be with you (that was the time she could have called off your relationship if she couldn't live without her daughter, too late now!!). Now change of plans... Well your DIL should own up to her erratic behavior and either stay home or ask you and her mother in a polite manner to petition for her so she can get into college and hopefully get a part time job while she studies that will enable her to travel home and visit her bf as much as she herself can afford it. When she becomes a USC and can afford it (maybe with some help from your wife) she can petition her BF assuming they are still together (if they are soulmates).

Give me a break it is not like your wife's country is some super power rich country with as many opportunities compared to the US that will make her give you such an ultimatum. Trust me both your wife and DIL know this!!

There is no love in true clear cut cases of blackmail. No one blackmails the other (when the love is still going strong) never! But if your wife was just bluffing to test you and make her daughter "eat her cake and have it" then time to straighten things out with both your wife and DIL.

People talk to your fiancé(e)s and spouses, there is a lot involved in this long gruesome journey and one doesn't just arrive in America and start changing every plan or making ultimatums overnight (on both sides: Petitioner's and Beneficiary's alike) and if things should change they can be asked for with kindness and empathy which are both lacking in the case of the OP.

[MO-MO1974 7]

This is what i am told.....Boyfriend would apply for student visa and arrive in summer 2015. My wife and her daughter would work to help him pay for room and tuition. A year later daughter and bf would live together and continue education. I would be sponsor of daughter, if she gets pregnant, I pay? This seems like to many unknowns.......and now wife says she will return to her home country.

I was just going to read through and say nothing but when i saw the bolded section,i simply could not stop myself from saying something

sorry to say,i think your wife is using you to have her family in the US...I might be wrong but everything simply points to marital fraud for visa purposes....why would your "wife" threaten to destroy her marriage so that her daughter can be happy?

If your wife is threatening to go back home,tell her you wll go ahead with the divorce,withdraw your petition ,so u dont get tied on the AOS front,and see how fast she will change her mind

[MO-MO1974 7]

I think that, if wife is saying she'll leave if daughter's BF won't come, points to something very fishy going on. Tread carefully.

exactly...wont be surprised if so called BF to daughter is actually being brought for mom

[evoria 19]

exactly...wont be surprised if so called BF to daughter is actually being brought for mom

This is exactly what I was thinking. I mean it just does not make sense to insist that "my daughter boyfriend comes or I am leaving"? Who says that!

[Misha'sgirl 44]

I need some direction on this moral issue please....my wife and I recently married and applied for I 485. Originally her daughter was to go to college in Moscow for three years. we were to pay 500 per month for her schooling. now because of new laws for out of country students studying in Russia, (they must leave every three months) it is difficult for her to school there. And my wife misses her daughter so she wants daughter here. She is age 17 and this is not a problem for me, we have the extra bedroom and college is walking distance away. But daughter will not arrive unless we provide for her 18 year old boyfriend to arrive a year later, at which time he would go to college also. I don't wish for my new family to be responsible for the boyfriend. At age 58, I think I am too old for this added responsibility. or is this greed on my part? please comment. thank you.

Hi, thanks for going public with your private matter--I hope everyone can be helpful to you.

First, no one knows what they want (or NEED) at the young age of seventeen. Life in general takes awhile to figure out: especially relationships. However, teenagers need to learn from their mistakes. Perhaps, as her "father-figure" you could provide support and nurturing for her at this pivotal moment in her life. Gurantee you, a year (maybe sooner, probably sooner) from now she will change her attitude about this boy. Probably because he is young also, and doesn't know what he wants. School is so important in the younger years! If more young people of our day in age would wake up and get an education, instead of worrying about having bf/gf and going to parties; we would have a generation to be proud of.

With that said, if it were my situation, I would allow it because I would be confident that it would not last. I would also have a strict set of rules in the house, but lovingly inforce them. For me, being a parent is being supportive and helping your child through their mistakes so that they can become successful. One day their graduation will come and they will be thanking you for helping them. If not you, who else will be their hero?

[isoballer 7]

sorry if it offends you/your wife but i guess your wife her daughter are thinking you are a soft person, if your daughter comes to usa, and you apply for her bf a student visa, it takes a year and by that time your daughter may have another, better bf so don't take her seriously and do what you really want i think what happened with your wife is something every husband has to take, a household fight for a day . Sorry if it offended anyone btw

[Neonred 3,461]

I won't repost it, but what Dave said in post #28 is exactly what I would advise. Good luck, and keep us updated.

[nikshevphilscott8 4]

Ummm when I was 17 I did not have the authority to dictate to my parents what to do especially when it came to the opposite sex. Take hold of the reigns and take control of this matter. Don't allow her to manipulate u and ur wife. U tell her she can spend her own money to file for him if she wants.

[Al422 221]

There are really two issues here, the legal and the moral. Legally, there is no basis for you to get a visa to bring bf here. Daugther gets a free ride on mom's visa because she is under 21. No such luck for bf. He would have to file for his own visa. Not being an immigration expert I am not going to say there is no way; I can only say I know of no way. He will have to consult with an immigration lawyer to find out if he can even do it.;

The thorny issue is the moral one. The girl is 17 and is not even close to a high enough level of maturity to make a decision to bring her bf here permanently. This is where the parent (your new wife) and step parent (i.e. you) must lay down the law for the girl's own good. Think about when you were 17. Did you have the maturity to make such a decision? I sure as hell didn't when I was 17. So what makes you think this girl has such maturity?

This is for you and your new wife to decide. I won't decide for you, but you get a good sense of how I would decide if I were you. Good luck to you, and I hope you and your new wife have many happy years together.

[razspaz13 30]

don't think it is greed on your part

being a step-parent for many many years I know the ups and downs, all I can say is young children smaller problems, older children bigger problems

and of course at 17 the world revolves around the "one that is 17 and knows best and all" LOL

how does your mrs feel about providing for the boyfriend, how long have the two of them been together?

in my lifetime I know of one person that met the love of their life at 17 and stayed with them 25 years plus, it does happen but not very often.

good luck, maybe the daughter won't want to come over in 3 or 6 months?