So afraid of making the wrong choice - I want to go home.

[Reallytorn 1]

Hello,

I hate to post such a negative thing in such a wonderful community, but I need help, and do not have anyone to turn to.

I immigrated to the US 2 years ago, with our 1 year old daughter (she's 3 now).

There are many times I wish I'd never made the choice to move here with her. I was always afraid this day might come and I'd risk losing everything. At the time of course, it seemed like the proper thing to do. Have us both raise our daughter. Besides that, I had hope our marriage would get better if we were living together. I associated many, if not most of our marital problems on the stress of a long distance relationship.

I'm not here to put my husband down, nor do I blame the collapse of our relationship on him, however I'm here to let it out so here goes. I can't take his angry outbursts anymore. I don't know how to cope and what I'm doing wrong. I'm constantly living in fear and have always felt very inferior to him. I don't like being so afraid all the time. This extends to all aspects of our marriage. He is in control of everything. He has never laid a hand on me but his yelling is out of control. This can't be healthy for our daughter either - she woke up crying tonight from it. I hate that I bring out such rage in him. I've never made another human being so angry. I feel like if I just got out of the way maybe he and our daughter could be happy. I am a failure of a wife. I also never got over his plan to fly to a different state to meet another woman. I often blame myself and think if I were this other woman he would be happy, and not hate me so much. This is not healthy though! This is no way to live my life and I want out so desperately.

The thing stopping me from going home? Our 3 year old daughter.

When we have talked of divorce before he has made it very clear that he gets our child and everything else. No questions asked. Given my position, I seriously doubt I could put up much a fight in court anyways. He is an engineer, making good money. I have no education and upon going home would be simply working a minimum wage job, starting completely from scratch as I really didn't have much when we met either. I'd lost everything from a previous divorce - I'm a real winner eh? :/

I do not want a thing from this man. I just want to be free. I'm afraid of the consequences though. I can't imagine life without my daughter. Thinking about it sends me spiraling into misery you can't imagine. I've been in this position before and it is the most traumatic and horrible thing a person can go through.

So - Why not just stay in America you ask? Well there are many reasons for that. Some are more obvious like just being home sick and not feeling overly happy here but the main reason is that I have 2 daughters at home who I lost from a previous divorce. While I do get to see them every 6 weeks or so, I've never forgiven myself for how everything has played out. Don't get me wrong - I can't say I regret my exes and my choice. He is a terrific dad and I know they are living happy and healthy. Still though, they are at an age where I feel it would be good if I were there. I don't want to miss everything. Ugh. What a damn mess I've made of my life.

See my dilemma here? I feel like a horrible mother. I despise myself for thinking of losing yet another child. What's wrong with me?!?! What's worse though? Losing her or raising her in as toxic environment?

I know my options: 1) stay married until she moves out and then go home. 2) proceed with divorce now, and lose her.

I don't know why I'm even here and what exactly I'm asking? I just feel lonely and afraid. I don't know what to do.

If you have any advice, please help me.

If you are tempted to leave a post telling me what a horrible mother I am, please refrain. I already feel it inside and am just here for help.

Thank you for reading.

[I & B 273]

First, let me be clear that I am not a professional mental health professional. Someone in your situation--feeling trapped and with no one to turn to--needs to consult a licensed, professional counselor to work through your issues with a neutral party. While this board is very supportive and (often ) quite informative, it is no substitute for working through your troubles with another human being in real life. You will never regret going to counselor and you deserve the help.

That said, my impression is that you cannot blame yourself for your husband's outbursts. Regardless of what you are or are not doing, the fact that he cannot communicate without violent outbursts is on him, not you. You are not making him have outbursts; his own immaturity and other issues are manifesting themselves through outbursts. You are collateral damage, not the target.

Abuse is not just physical. It sounds very much like you are in an abusive relationship. You need to come to terms with that and stop blaming yourself for his failings. The best way to do that is through counseling. After you are strong enough to see the situation objectively, you can then make a clear-headed decision as to whether you should try to work through counseling with him as well. It sounds like he needs counseling just as much as you do, and your relationship certainly does. If he cannot agree to counseling, you have to protect yourself and move on.

Now, depending on how bad things are, leaving him right away and seeking counseling (hopefully with the support or some family or friends) may be an even better option. Separating and seeking counseling will not make you lose your child. He is misleading you on divorce laws and using such threats to further abuse and cow you. It is far, far more common for the woman to win the child in American courts, regardless of whether the father is the income earner. Given his clear record of creating an abusive environment for you and the daughter, he is likely in a precarious position in regards to custody. Definitely consult local divorce attorneys. Meet with two or three to get a feel for how they would evaluate your case--you'll likely be shocked to see how different divorce proceedings are than what your husband makes them out to be.

So, in summary:

(1) find counseling immediately.

(2) consult divorce attorneys.
(3) make a clear headed decision about what is best for you and your daughter.

And stay strong. You are not alone in suffering through this type of situation. Things can and will get better.

[Cathi 5,609]

I'm so sorry, I am heartbroken for you. Just because your husband earns a lot of money and has a better education than you does not mean he will get custody of your child. They will be more concerned about the child's well being, than how much money you earn. You will get child support, which can be substantial if he has a high salary. With his temper it is clear that you would be the better choice for a parent. Don't give up and move home without your child, he is bullying you into believing he will automatically get custody, which couldn't be further from the truth. Get a lawyer, if you cannot afford one go to the court and they will have a list of attorneys who,will work pro bono. I have to run off to work, if you need to,talk I will be back later. I went through a divorce with a man like this and it isn't hopeless, I have full physical custody of my children. feel free to contact me if you need advice or someone to talk to.

[ManCharsey 254]

I feel your pain and I am very sorry about your plight. I would advise you to seek help with a counsellor. You are human and no human being deserves to feel this way. I will remember you in my prayers.

[Rich and Wen 101]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Some people prey on people with low self esteem, and this is what it sounds like, from reading your post. This person you are married to cannot be called a man, he is bullying you, and none of it is your fault. It is common for abusers to make you think it's your fault. "Now look what you made me do." And also not uncommon for women to internalize that and believe it. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!

Please see a professional to help you clear your head from this toxic environment.

[Anna Grant 169]

I didn't want to read an run, so I will just suggest one thing. Start to document his outbursts. Log the time, date and the detail of the outburst i.e. what triggered it, what he said, how long it lasted. This may be useful in the future when you have to say to someone 'He had terrible outbursts' and he says 'what outbursts?'.

[InHisTime 110]

Hello and hugs to you. I am sorry of your situation. I hope it will improve soon. I & B gave you a very good advices to consider. Please don't feel down of yourself, everybody commit mistakes.

And, yes sometimes we could experience similar or pattern of mistakes in life. We just need to learn our lessons from our past mistakes, thus we become stronger and better persons.

Your husband needs to realize the toxic effects of his behavior to you and your daughter. He needs anger management. Mutual respect is very important. I'm not sure what to advice you legally, all I know since you live in Canada, then you can come back to the US without the need for visa, just in case you come home and give up your immigration benefits. So you will have the opportunity to visit your child.

I just pray there is still hope for change. Without your daughter, I would think it is easier for you to leave, but I understand you don't wanna lose another child this time. It is heartbreaking for sure.

For now, I suggest you to pray hard to God, to give you courage and determination to overcome the trials you are facing now, and to attain peace in your mind and heart.

Try to be still or calm, and know that God is still in control. Don't exhaust too much of your energy on thinking beyond your control, this will let you down physically and mentally. The best way is to pray, talk to God all your heartaches and desires. And please seek professional advice, consult a lawyer on how to fight for your child's custody in the event of divorce. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Don't try to get into a series of argument with your husband as you know he cannot control his anger. I am not saying you have to tolerate his behavior......that is why it is best if he will undergo counseling.

I wish your situation will change soon. There is always HOPE. God bless you and your family.- InHistime

Edited January 11, 2014 by InHisTime

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Your daughter will someday be an woman and although we only have one side to the story your husband does not sound like a good role model to any woman.

[Reallytorn 1]

I want to thank everyone for the kindhearted support. I am reminded of why I loved this community so much when we needed the help immigrating! Not at all what I would have anticipated! I am glad I posted this and will certainly seek counseling.

Bless you all Vj.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

I agree, seek counselling either together or by yourself if he won't go. That would be my first step, as long as he never gets physical. IF that changes, then get out...both of you.

[Ketsuban 1,033]

I grew up in a family like this. My dad still has violent outbursts to this day. I resent my mum for never having the spine to leave him and failing to protect us from him and I'm not really interested in maintaining a familial relationship with them once I establish my own life. I don't know how your daughter will turn out, but having been through it myself, I know how she feels and what she is going through. It is a desperately lonely and terrifying experience. Please follow the advice above and get out of there asap.

[skysofialila 45]

I also grew up in a family like this, much like Ketsuban mentioned. My father had and still has violent outbursts. He never hit my mom, though...

They waited until my siblings and I were in teens before they separated and divorced.

I think they should have gotten divorced sooner.

I'm going to say something important: STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE HAS THESE OUTBURSTS. YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON NOR A HORRIBLE MOTHER. PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT.

Please see a therapist to help begin to heal on the inside. Trust in the universe/God/whatever you believe in to take if from there. He is abusing you emotionally. My father did this to us when we were growing up. My ex husband did this to me too - an exact copy of my father. This isn't your fault and you do not deserve this.

Of course if he should ever lay a finger on you or your daughter, leave the marriage!

[*Snowdrop* 603]

We do only have one side of the story but that's all we have to comment on so my advice would be.

Do not leave your daughter all alone with this man - even though he is her father. What will happen if you go? It's unlikely that he will suddenly change his personality and never have any outbursts like this again.

So he will either still have these outbursts and your daughter will be the only one he can focus on.

Or he will meet a new woman and he will still create this toxic environment and your daughter will still be exposed to it but she will have step-mother in the equation who may or may not protect her.

[Jon York 156]

Record his outbursts. Get audio recording software on your phone (it's easy to do - just search on recording app on your phone's store). Then just turn it on and lay it on the table next to you next time you think he's going to have an outbursts. These can be very helpful in court.

Also, a few have mentioned it, but don't forget about the spiritual aspects. Pray to God. Read the Bible - it has tons of great wisdom for people to live by. And when you live by its principles it's amazing how many times our shattered lives begin to get better and better. Pray to Christ and ask for forgiveness for your own sins and ask him to be the master of your life and then follow him.

[JnRMo 16]

In some states this may be considered domestic violence - even though he hasn't physically abused you. Look up domestic violence resources in your area, and some may be able to get some help dealing with your situation from people better suited to your situation.