second thoughts...

[GJ&Rach 12]

So my fiance tells me that he's having second thoughts about going through with the visa. We've been feeling the strain lately of the being apart, we thought the visa process would be over and he'd be here by now. The last several months have really taken a toll and we aren't nearly as close and intimate as we used to be. So now he's worried, what if he leaves everything there, his job, his home, a lot of his stuff, and comes here to marry me, and it doesn't work out. Suppose we end up not being compatible long term in person. Suppose this lack of intimacy continues and we never get back that "totally in love" feeling.

Not sure what to do here.

I guess i need specifics on how the process works if it doesnt work.

[Ryan H 3,790]

Moved from General Immigration-Related Discussion to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits forum as it is this forum that deals with the issue raised by the OP.

[Bugs 455]

My advice is to end it. If your heart is no longer in it, then there is no way you'd be able to handle the process and all that it entails. It takes a very dedicated pair to follow through on it, as it is hard enough as it is. And it is best to end it soon, as the deeper you get into it the more you will lose once it truly is over.

[GJ&Rach 12]

Thanks for your response. However my heart is in it just fine, and I think his is too, he's just realizing how big of a move it is and is a little afraid of what he stands to lose if it weren't to work out. I really don't doubt that we will be fine once we are back in face to face relations. However I've been trying to figure out just how it works if things were to go sour. Basically I'm wanting to tell him step by step what happens. From what I've been able to find, we have to still be married for the AOS, (haven't figured out yet how long that takes to get either) but if necessary after a good faith marriage, he can remove conditions if we are divorced? then what?

[Bugs 455]

Thanks for your response. However my heart is in it just fine, and I think his is too, he's just realizing how big of a move it is and is a little afraid of what he stands to lose if it weren't to work out. I really don't doubt that we will be fine once we are back in face to face relations. However I've been trying to figure out just how it works if things were to go sour. Basically I'm wanting to tell him step by step what happens. From what I've been able to find, we have to still be married for the AOS, (haven't figured out yet how long that takes to get either) but if necessary after a good faith marriage, he can remove conditions if we are divorced? then what?

Once he is here in the US, as long as it can be proven it was with bonafide intentions, he can stay and even go through the ROC on his own.

[Gosia & Tito 199]

So my fiance tells me that he's having second thoughts about going through with the visa. We've been feeling the strain lately of the being apart, we thought the visa process would be over and he'd be here by now. The last several months have really taken a toll and we aren't nearly as close and intimate as we used to be. So now he's worried, what if he leaves everything there, his job, his home, a lot of his stuff, and comes here to marry me, and it doesn't work out. Suppose we end up not being compatible long term in person. Suppose this lack of intimacy continues and we never get back that "totally in love" feeling.

Not sure what to do here.

I guess i need specifics on how the process works if it doesnt work.

For what is worth:

We, like many here have had the talk about who would move and were would we live. I (the USC) was ready to move over to Europe if need be. She was ready to move to the US. We even considered a 3rd country either in Europe or South America.

Have you considered you being the one moving?

International relationships are inherently risky in that if it does not work, one or both would be left up in the air, so to speak. Few have the means to easily bounce back.

Is it possible for a longer trial in one place? Say 1-3 months at least. My now wife spent 5 weeks in the US, while I went to work and did the things I would normally do, adjusting to her of course, so weekends were times that we would plan activities. But weekdays, it was work, work at home and limited time for interaction. She was not on vacation either, but did the things she would be doing (not working as the plan was that she would not need to work unless she really wanted to) but gardening, classes, activities with neighbors, etc. At the time I was in 4-day week schedule so that one day off we do groceries and other chores se the weekend was free.

The alternative is to just let go and break it off. If there are doubts, it is a good indication that there might not be a future together. AN international relationship is difficult even in the best of circumstances.

Good luck

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

He will get 90 days here on the visa, and you must marry within that 90 days. Then you will both apply for AOS which results in a GC (this can take a while to get approved). The GC is good for 2 years and towards the end of the 2 years you prove that you are either still together, or that you have divorced and that the marriage was entered in good faith.

I think you'll know in the first 90 days, either good, marry and go on, or that's it's not working, and you don't marry and part.

It's normal to have cold feet and be a little scared.

[GJ&Rach 12]

Oh we've spent probably 1 1/2 of the last 5 years together living together. I have kids here so me leaving isn't an option without leaving my kids behind due to their dad not being agreeable to it. We get along just fine in person, no real problems except a couple silly things. Kids adore him and all that. we've spent 3 months at a time together multiple times, time with the inlaws and all that.

He's just got cold feet and is worried what will happen to him if it doesn't work out. We're a bit not close right now...he's worried that will last.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Oh we've spent probably 1 1/2 of the last 5 years together living together. I have kids here so me leaving isn't an option without leaving my kids behind due to their dad not being agreeable to it. We get along just fine in person, no real problems except a couple silly things. Kids adore him and all that. we've spent 3 months at a time together multiple times, time with the inlaws and all that.

He's just got cold feet and is worried what will happen to him if it doesn't work out. We're a bit not close right now...he's worried that will last.

IMHO, you two have done all that you can.

Not all relationships will work, only you two can decide if you are willing to keep the flag hoisted in yours.

He has valid concerns and I would have hoped that you have worked/talked through this in the past 5 years.

Good luck.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

He told you he is having second thoughts about going through with the visa, well I would day he is having second thoughts about getting marriage with you. I could understand if he was dating you 1 year or a few months, but five years and he has second thoughts? believe me it's not a good start at all.Good luck.

[Lynkali 163]

There are days in this multi-year process where even the best of partners will get cold feet, worry, have second thoughts, and be scared. This is A SCARY THING for anyone, to pick up and leave their entire life behind, trusting blindly in the future and the love of a partner who is half a world away. It's terrifying and it requires intense patience and trust and sometimes just blind faith. I don't begrudge or think ill of anyone who starts to doubt -- I think it's entirely normal, sane, and human.

However, there are also many more days -- the majority, I am sure -- where we cannot imagine life without our partner, where we are willing to fight and struggle and undertake massive effort to be with our loved one. Where we consider all the good things, the joys and the future together, and all of the effort seems minuscule compared to the payoff.

Unlike some of the responders here, I don't think you need to call it off at all, nor even to worry overmuch. I do think you need to communicate better, and find ways of staying intimate, supportive, and laughing with each other about the absurdities of this horrendous process. I know that there have been times -- months even, before we actually filed and were trying to decide how it all was going to work -- where we both felt it was hopeless, that we'd never make it, that the obstacles were too great. You in particular have been hit with extra delays, and I hope you can find faith and humor in each other, to survive.

My best suggestion is: either visit if you can (the absolute best option, but depending on timing and money, not always possible), or find some new way of maintaining humor and intimacy. Start a new videogame together, make a playlist for each other, document your journey to be together, start any project together that you can share and enjoy again. Let him recapture the joy and love he feels when he's in your presence, and those cold feet will warm right up!

I'd also remind him (as I do with my fiance) that he will not be "trapped" here if things do not work out as you plan. If he leaves before you're married, he goes home, no problem. If you divorce after AOS but before ROC, also no problem: he can remove conditions on his own based on your bonafide intent when you married, or he can return home. His choice, he is free and there are no ill repercussions, apart from the money.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Oh we've spent probably 1 1/2 of the last 5 years together living together. I have kids here so me leaving isn't an option without leaving my kids behind due to their dad not being agreeable to it. We get along just fine in person, no real problems except a couple silly things. Kids adore him and all that. we've spent 3 months at a time together multiple times, time with the inlaws and all that.

He's just got cold feet and is worried what will happen to him if it doesn't work out. We're a bit not close right now...he's worried that will last.

Well, he comes over on the K1 and you have 90 days to marry. You then need to file AOS and that includes filing the I-864 support document. If your relationship fails before AOS is approved (before he gets his GC and it takes 6-9 months right now) then one of 3 things will happen:

1. If you don't get called for interview and he gets the GC approved before the divorce is final, he's good;

2. If you DO get called for interview, you can't lie and say everything is good, so he'd be denied and need to leave; or

3. If you withdraw your I-864 (which you would be smart to do otherwise you're on the hook for a long time) he needs to return to his country. He cannot legally stay without a GC.

Let's say it's after GC approval and the relationship fails. If he still needs to file ROC then he will file with a waiver once the GC is final (or during the 90 days window, whichever is first) showing proof of good faith marriage. He should have no problem getting the 10 year card and he doesn't need to leave unless he wants to.

It is hard for the immigrant, especially if they own a house, rent a place and have no family, to uproot everything and try and return. Had it happened to me I would have just gone back to Australia and moved back in with my parents until I got my things (and myself) together.

I would say the cold feet aren't a good thing though. It is going to be very stressful being here, unable to work or leave (well and return after leaving) for at least 2-3 months after filing. It's a lot of pressure on your and your relationship for him to be completely (emotionally AND financially) dependent on you. It can be a struggle and lots of relationship fail. The risk with the immigration relationship is if the relationship fails it is a lot of money and effort to go "back home".

[fantonledzepp 159]

The excitement of having a long-distance relationship will fade away, as it has in your case. It's now that you will find out if you're willing to push and see this through.

I believe that you really need to consider ending it. Not being close or intimate is a big deal. Being sad because you miss each other is normal, losing the connection you once had is serious. Normally, when we are in "local" relationships, we don't give it much though, we can always break up with relatively minor ramifications. When immigration is involved, things get tricky fairly quickly. Have you read the I-864? It's scary to be liable for somebody to whom you're no longer attached, should you divorce.

I think it's time for a visit, if it's possible. See where you are, face to face.

Best of luck to you both.

Edited June 5, 2013 by fantonledzepp

[TBoneTX 43,059]

I'd beat it over to his country this week, as a priority, and stay for as long as it takes to salvage this relationship or to determine that the fires are permanently out. He's missing you poignantly, I believe.

[Jawaree 717]

Everyone gets cold feet, maybe that's what it is,

also a real man will think twice abput giving up his

stability home, job, friends etc for an unknown

lifestyle, so discuss it again , is it an undying love,

do U want to be forever, will U tough it out & got each

others back no matter in what country