Need Help Ending It

[Darnell 8,478]

some arranged marriages are excellent after some time,

some are dissolved a month after moving in together.

IMO, using my busted crystal ball, the parents knew something already, and wanted to get their daughter out of India.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

some arranged marriages are excellent after some time,

some are dissolved a month after moving in together.

IMO, using my busted crystal ball, the parents knew something already, and wanted to get their daughter out of India.

Amen sista!!! I thought this too.

[zzzlpr 7]

It is amusing how people jump into major conclusions based on few lines posted.

Most people that posted so far, has little to no idea of what an arranged marriage is, me included.

The little I know comes from either friends and co-workers that experienced these arranged marriages or what I read.

In other words, "your mileage may vary" (substantially).

Do you have the slight idea of what is going to be her life after being shipped back to India divorced because she had an affair/abortion with a married man prior to her marriage?

As far as I know her life will likely be ruined beyond repair, while for him it is a clean sheet and soon another arranged marriage.

I'm not defending her, or him, but there are too many possible scenarios coming from the few lines posted, from the simple ones to very complex or absurd ones. Perhaps some questions might help all posters to think.

How many hours did he talk with her alone prior to the marriage?

Would you expect her to tell him about her affair/abortion with a married man and cancel the marriage?

What sort of pressure would be coming from her and his families if she did tell him?

If she was forthcoming, would he have married her?

As far as I know all the issues posted so far should have been sorted out by the families prior to the arranged marriage, so if there is some "kind" of blame, I would say the families do bear a major responsibility, but no one had pointed this out.

Bottom line, my advice is that based on what the OP posted there is no base to claim fraud, and divorce is not a switch where you turn off, then turn on to marry again. So, I suggest him to put himself on her shoes and think what you would have done.

[AmyWrites 593]

Well, she lied to you about so many things... IMO, her parents knew about it and wanted to get her to the States anyway, so maybe it can be called visa fraud, but I don't know how'd you get proof of that. But also, if this girl tried to drink some bleach, something else might be wrong with her, and she just might need some help.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

@ zzzlpr~ your quote...Bottom line, my advice is that based on what the OP posted there is no base to claim fraud, and divorce is not a switch where you turn off, then turn on to marry again. So, I suggest him to put himself on her shoes and think what you would have done.

Maybe it would be more appropriate in this case to put himself in her pants...She created this with her own choices then with her mistakes screwed up his ideals for marriage and future wife.

With a switch of turning off and on a marriage... I agree...but why should OP do anymore to make a marriage out of deception? To change a liar? To placate unstable actions of threatening suicide? To shake the rest of the her honesties out of her?

He has his answers of what he should do...No one on VJ can alter this but it is still interesting to see the varied opinions.

Edited March 20, 2012 by inluvnwaiting

[NY_BX 397]

IMO, using my busted crystal ball, the parents knew something already, and wanted to get their daughter out of India.

Exactly!

I'm gonna be "devil's advocate" for a second:

I find it hard to believe that someone entering an arranged marriage agreement would do anything to break that agreement. That goes on both parts. When the OP provided a bullet point-like statement of what he expects in a wife, he pretty much boxed the "mail-bride" with his own expectations and the counterpart (the wife in question) didn't have any other choice but to comply. You can ask for all honesty by either water-boarding or mental games/ guilt trips. There's no way this lady would've been honest prior to completing this agreement.

However, now that she does have the green card, the agreement has been fulfilled, so of course she's open to be honest. Lying or hiding a secret is not fraud. She's saying all this (and I agree with a previous poster) to initiate divorce proceedings. If all of this situation is true, she's getting exactly what she wants.

Here's my conclusion: I believe there's some sort of chauvinist belittlement behavior from the OP that triggered his wife's reaction. The lady got tired and now she's angry and frustrated. I think she's lying to him now (meaning, none of that ####### really happened) to get out of the marriage and putting up a crazy act. Childish? absolutely. The other option is she played him like an old piano and now she wants out. No matter what the truth is, she's not good news.

Carry on and good luck!

[Mike B. 231]

First time in my life I'd disagreed with TBoneTX. I think he is exactly wrong and troutcat is exactly right. At the end of the day, however, none of our opinions matter at all: either you're going to forgive this woman about not telling you her whole sexual history before you entered into an arraigned marriage with her, or you're not. You're an adult, you figure it out. Forget about the whole "I'm-going-to-get-her-deported-out-of-spite" nonsense.

[faithinGod 8]

I can`t help but wonder, if it`s fraud , why confess all those things to him AT ALL? Why not take her her brand new GC and be on her merry way?

[aaydrian 479]

I can`t help but wonder, if it`s fraud , why confess all those things to him AT ALL? Why not take her her brand new GC and be on her merry way?

Someone speculates reverse psychology on the wife's part. Get husband to divorce her, he comes out looking wicked, she looks like victim when removing conditions from her green card then she goes on her merry way.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

First we need to put the relationship in the proper context of an Arranged Marriage.

They did not date for any period of time and therefore neither can really say they loved the other before the marriage.

He asked for honesty and she was scared (possibly even at the instance of her parents) that she is "soiled goods" and if he knew the truth he would just walk away from her. It was wrong for her to lie to him but let's be honest how many of us tell someone everything about ourselves within the time-span of days after the first meeting/date?

We usually wait until there has been some relationship building and bonding, then we find a point and sit down to get the dirty laundry out in the open.

I agree that she's dumped a lot on him an I'd even go so far as to say that it's unfair but really that's life...

Apparently he has a past of his own and she was accepting of that. Kudos to him for being honest but isn't Indian Culture on that is more forgiving to men than women?

Would I vilify him for deciding to leave her, nope not even a little bit.

Would I applaud her for deciding that she needs to be honest with him (even if it is a bit late), sure I would. I would agree that she really could have continued the lie but she made what must have been a scary and difficult decision for her.

The question is now that the truth is out can he look beyond her past and she the woman she is?

Edited March 20, 2012 by Bob 4 Anna

[Olomi_811 130]

This was going to be an arranged marriage. I had discussed with her what it was that i was looking for in a wife and told her that honesty and trust is what makes a good marriage.

You can only judge your wife on being a liar if she's lied to you about things during your marriage. She was not obligated to tell you about that relationship or any other. You kept digging for what you wanted to hear and now that you heard it you are crying fraud. Since this was an arranged marriage not one of chance meeting or true love couldn't you also be accused of perpetuating a fraud? Perhaps she was ashamed and she knew that that relationship was going nowhere. It's not something she would not disclose to you, your family, or her family.

If you want to challenge moral turpitude you must also call your own into question.

[B_J 2,752]

So here is the story. I meet my wife last year in India via relatives. This was going to be an arranged marriage. I had discussed with her what it was that i was looking for in a wife and told her that honesty and trust is what makes a good marriage.

If she had told me this before getting married, I would have not married her. But the fact is that I asked her and she lied to me about it. I was nothing but honest with; told her stuff about me that no one else knew. I had told her that the relation between husband and wife needs to be open and trusting. She has broken my trust. Even if she loves me and I love her the trust is just not there.

I have no idea what you should or shouldn't do. I do, however, think you put your wife in a position where nothing she could do would satisfy you.

You required that she be honest in the beginning; but you admit that if she had been honest, then you wouldn't have married her. Now that she is being honest, you want to leave her.

Maybe honesty isn't really what you were looking for in a wife.

[faithinGod 8]

Someone speculates reverse psychology on the wife's part. Get husband to divorce her, he comes out looking wicked, she looks like victim when removing conditions from her green card then she goes on her merry way.

Oh, i see what you mean but i don`t think she would reaveal all those things about herself if that was her plan. She could have used other ways to get him to divorce her without telling him all that as we have seen many times here on VJ. People who are wicked like that are also very resourceful in that area.

I agree with Troutcat and Bob4Ana.

[NY_BX 397]

You can only judge your wife on being a liar if she's lied to you about things during your marriage. She was not obligated to tell you about that relationship or any other. You kept digging for what you wanted to hear and now that you heard it you are crying fraud. Since this was an arranged marriage not one of chance meeting or true love couldn't you also be accused of perpetuating a fraud? Perhaps she was ashamed and she knew that that relationship was going nowhere. It's not something she would not disclose to you, your family, or her family.

If you want to challenge moral turpitude you must also call your own into question.

OMG! I love how you put it. Well said.

[james&olya 1,121]

You can only judge your wife on being a liar if she's lied to you about things during your marriage. She was not obligated to tell you about that relationship or any other. You kept digging for what you wanted to hear and now that you heard it you are crying fraud. Since this was an arranged marriage not one of chance meeting or true love couldn't you also be accused of perpetuating a fraud? Perhaps she was ashamed and she knew that that relationship was going nowhere. It's not something she would not disclose to you, your family, or her family.

If you want to challenge moral turpitude you must also call your own into question.

He asked for honesty and disclosure. She could have said that she would tell all someday but not then. She didn't. Instead she lied and let him believe she was what he wanted. And continued an affair with a married man until TWO DAYS before the marriage! She had to have known long before two days that the marriage would occur! Would ANY of you justifying her behavior have accepted your spouse continuing an illicit affair with someone else until 2 days before your wedding? I would like to know if any of you would say yes! I will wait for your reply!