Need Help Ending It

[james&olya 1,121]

I have no idea what you should or shouldn't do. I do, however, think you put your wife in a position where nothing she could do would satisfy you.

You required that she be honest in the beginning; but you admit that if she had been honest, then you wouldn't have married her. Now that she is being honest, you want to leave her.

Maybe honesty isn't really what you were looking for in a wife.

Whoa! Prior to marriage ever occurring he has every right to find out who she is and decide if he will go through with it. You sound like you believe somehow she was ENTITLED to become his wife and therefore justified in saying/doing anything necessary to that end! NOT!!

[Gosia & Tito 199]

I think your spectacles have a tad too much red coloration to the lenses!!

My guess is that she thinks it is tactically advantageous to get him to file the divorce paperwork so that she can keep up the facade of poor little innocent miss that would NEVER engage in green card fraud, no NEVER!!

And he does NOT need to go to India to get a divorce or try for anullment! They live in the US so jurisdiction is here! Only a good lawyer can advise about possible anullment vs divorce.

I think we are here deciding to side with husband or wife based on fragments of what really went on. Only the OP can resolve his situation and only him knows what went on. Not sure how this forum turned into divorce court but it is not; This forum is for immigration help and advice: outside of the advice/opinion of whether this is fraud or not; I don't know that we (or at least I) have anything else to say.

None of us here, except the OP has the entire story. To begin with, we are fast to judge without the views and story from the wife. Maybe she is manipulative and cheater, etc, maybe she is not and OP is presenting things in a way that is beneficial to him; who knows, I certainly do not know and can hardly give any opinion with only one side of the story.

People have all sorts of reasons to not tell the entire truth; and it is often not black and white. I saw a posting earlier in which the advice was to 'make up a reason for her to go to India and once there, server with divorce'; so we are now advising to lie and manipulate?? Yes, you can rationalize that there are extenuating reasons, but would that make it less of a lie and manipulation??

The reality is that we do not know anything other than what the OP posted.

[Operator 1,925]

So here is the story. I meet my wife last year in India via relatives. This was going to be an arranged marriage. I had discussed with her what it was that i was looking for in a wife and told her that honesty and trust is what makes a good marriage. At this time I told her about my past relations, affairs, and secrets that no one else knew about me. I asked her the same and she told me that she had no past relations or affairs. So both happy get married in India last year and I apply for her CR-1 (I-130). I came back to USA about a month after the marriage (due to work). We talked every day and i kept telling her that it is very important to be open with one another; she assured me that she is telling me everything. I took November and December off from work to spend time with her (no pay!) as i had to leave rather quickly after our marriage. We learned that she had her interview in January in Mumbai, so i extended my time off to be with her though the process. She came to USA in February and received her GC and SSN after words.

Two or Three days after we got the GC and SSN she told me about her affair before marriage. She had been seeing a guy before me. I was upset of her lying to me in the beginning but for i gave her. She said she was afraid that i wouldn't marry her if she told me! Never the less i forgave her for lying to me asked her if she loved me more now; Which she said she did. I asked her again if there is anything else she would like to tell me and she said "No, this it, honestly"... ...few hours later she tells me that her ex was married at time! I was kind of disgusted but let it go thinking to my self "love makes you do crazy things"... as i have done crazy things for her.

A day later she tells me that she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 2 days before our marriage! I got upset and questioned if she truly loved me. She said she did and that she had forgotten about her ex and only loves me. I found this hard to believe, she loved some one so much that she was willing to over look that he was married and then get over him after 2 day! I forgave her again thinking that over time she will forget about him and love me more. At this point i asked her again if there is anything else she would like to tell me and she said "No, this it, honestly"...

A day later she tells me that she had an abortion before marriage! I feel that this is not a small issue; this may have implication when i want to have kids with her. I am upset and i can forgive her no more. I feel as if i have been cheated; she has been dishonest with me and has broke my trust and heart. We have been married for about 1 year, physical together for about 4 months, and she waits until she gets her GC and SSN to tell me all this! I want to yell FRAUD.

I know many people here may be thinking that i should forgive her; her past is her past. I should look towards the future. However for me it is hard to see my future with her. I feel as if i cannot trust her any more; and without trust the relation is not going any where.

I feel as i have been cheated and that she only married me for GC. At times i feel as she does not respect me or my family. I do not want to be with her any more! Should I seek an annulment or divorce? (we are in California). Contact USCIS? ICE? Is this fraud? How do I get her out of my life? Can't seem to get an appointment with lawyer until April!

California legal reasons for annulment can be found here http://www.courts.ca.gov/1037.htm If that doesn't work seek a divorce.

From your story I don't see much of a case for fraud but that is only my opinion which you neither asked for nor have to agree with. Seems like this sort of thing would be quite common in this type of relationship. Why would either partner be very free with intimate details of their life with someone who is in a position to back out of the deal. That might bring shame on the rejected party and bring down the wrath of the family. Now she has confirmed her fear; she came clean and is getting the boot. Granted it was late in the game.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Dunno. I don't think this warrants a conclusion of immigration fraud. If she was really intent on defrauding him to get and keep a green card then she would have kept her mouth shut and filed for the divorce after she got the 10 year green card. I think she kept this secret because she knew it would have been a deal breaker, and would have shamed her and her family. I think she finally confessed because she felt guilty about it, and she let it out a little at a time hoping to lessen the impact and possibly avoid a divorce.

I'm not even sure that love is an issue here. Love at first sight is rare, and often confused with infatuation or lust. Love at first sight in an arranged marriage situation is almost unheard of. The OP was right about one thing. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. That trust has been broken, and might never be restored. Divorce is justified. I don't think it rises to the level of immigration fraud, though. Not from what I've heard so far. The question to be asked is how would this situation have played out if the OP and his wife had stayed in India.

[NeedHelp_Fraud 0]

troutcat:

I totally respect her for being honest with me now. Never in my mind have I thought negative about her and that she doesn't deserve to have a happy life as well. But to build a good relation it needs to start off in the right step, no? How is it fair that she thinks "I will lie to him now, and then once he trusts me i'll tell him truth".

some one asked:

How many hours did he talk with her alone prior to the marriage?

=> We got married March 2011, I talked to her every data (2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night due to time difference). AFTER we were married and in the process of visa, i asked again if there is anything she would like to tell me we are married now.

Would you expect her to tell him about her affair/abortion with a married man and cancel the marriage?

=> That is her choice. If they love each other so much that they believe that it is right, then sure.

What sort of pressure would be coming from her and his families if she did tell him?

=> There will be pressure from family but in the end it is their choice and if they believe they love each other then family would need to understand.

If she was forthcoming, would he have married her?

=> If she had a boyfriend, yes. If she had slept with him, yes. If she had an abortion, I don't know. If she intends to lie to me, no.

I want to say that before our engagement I told her that she can tell me anything and it would be confidential; that i would not tell her parents or my. If she loves some one else and is being force in to this marriage, i would happily say that it is me that doesn't want to marry and take full blame; because i don't want a forced marriage. After the marriage i had to come back to USA quickly for work; but we talked everyday! I asked her even then but she didn't say anything...

I am not sure if her parents knew or not. But I am afraid to tell them anything either. Can they be thinking she stay here and do what ever she wants rather than coming back home shaming the whole family? I don't know.

I know her past is her past and which is why i would forgive her having a boyfriend and sleeping with him, i was even willing to forgive her about lying about that to me. But lying about having an abortion is not something i would forgive. She says she loved me from the day we got married, but its just too hard for me to believe she can for get about him so quickly and love me.

I do not wish or think ill of her. And i hope she will get married to someone else (being honest with them). At this point i don't care much if she keeps a GC or not, i just don't want to do anything with her.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I do not wish or think ill of her. And i hope she will get married to someone else (being honest with them). At this point i don't care much if she keeps a GC or not, i just don't want to do anything with her.

Smart man...I really wish you the best

Edited March 20, 2012 by inluvnwaiting

[aaydrian 479]

Oh, i see what you mean but i don`t think she would reaveal all those things about herself if that was her plan. She could have used other ways to get him to divorce her without telling him all that as we have seen many times here on VJ. People who are wicked like that are also very resourceful in that area.

I agree with Troutcat and Bob4Ana.

Who has concrete facts that she really had an affair with a married boyfriend up to 2 days before her marriage and an abortion. For all we know she could have been a virgin up to the night of her marriage to the OP. This could just be her way of getting out

[NeedHelp_Fraud 0]

Who has concrete facts that she really had an affair with a married boyfriend up to 2 days before her marriage and an abortion. For all we know she could have been a virgin up to the night of her marriage to the OP. This could just be her way of getting out

She was not a virgin; night of marriage i "asked about sheets" and she said it does not always work that way (she is from medical field). I had no reason to challenge her or to question her; this our first night and trusting her felt like the right thing.

If she was looking for a way out, why threaten to kill her self? If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies? (unless for GC). Before marriage i told her my values (you may or may not agree with my values) and she did not HAVE to agree to them; i told her if she doesn't think it is to be and i will be willing to say it isn't to be because of me to family.

[aaydrian 479]

She was not a virgin; night of marriage i "asked about sheets" and she said it does not always work that way (she is from medical field). I had no reason to challenge her or to question her; this our first night and trusting her felt like the right thing.

If she was looking for a way out, why threaten to kill her self? If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies? (unless for GC). Before marriage i told her my values (you may or may not agree with my values) and she did not HAVE to agree to them; i told her if she doesn't think it is to be and i will be willing to say it isn't to be because of me to family.

What I wrote was hypothetical anwser to a hypothetical situation so you don't have to give personal details.

Since she's knowledgeable about the medical field, bleach isn't the first one would use to 'kill' themselves. She cold have 'planned' this and so replaced the bleach in the container with water that way the chlorine content in the water she would have drunk may get her sick but not necessarily kill her.

'If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies?' I think someone did say there is a sizeable possibility that she married for a green card.

[catknit 144]

Watch Monsoon Wedding - the story is almost identical [no pregnancy though].....

It's going to be up to you to decide - though relationship counseling isn't always regarded as a normal way to deal with things in desi communities, maybe a few sessions can give you some clarity on what happened/is happening. Also, if she has a few mental issues, it may help her get the help she needs and explain to you her actions.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Understand that I'm not trying to defend her in any way here. I've been in relationships where dishonesty destroyed the relationship so I do understand where you're coming from.

I'm also currently in a relationship where I discovered that my wife was not entirely truthful about a situation in her past and I have decided that she isn't the same scared young girl that she used to be and I appreciate that she learned to trust me enough to be honest with me now.

I totally respect her for being honest with me now. Never in my mind have I thought negative about her and that she doesn't deserve to have a happy life as well. But to build a good relation it needs to start off in the right step, no? How is it fair that she thinks "I will lie to him now, and then once he trusts me i'll tell him truth".

Again I'll say that life really never is fair. We each have to decide how we will deal with it when we get the short end of the stick.

You can't honestly presume to know what she was thinking and it's unfair of you to jump to conclusions on that.

I know her past is her past and which is why i would forgive her having a boyfriend and sleeping with him, i was even willing to forgive her about lying about that to me. But lying about having an abortion is not something i would forgive. She says she loved me from the day we got married, but its just too hard for me to believe she can forget about him so quickly and love me.

What exactly was your presence in her life "before the wedding"?

Often times we hold on to relationships long after we have lost the love for that person simply because it's all we have and are afraid of not having that little bit.

If you weren't there to be a presence in her life then how can you feel betrayed?

I do not wish or think ill of her. And i hope she will get married to someone else (being honest with them). At this point i don't care much if she keeps a GC or not, i just don't want to do anything with her.

Then stop thinking ill of her.

From everything you've wrote it doesn't sound like the real issue here is that she lied but more over what she lied about. You're hung-up on the "broke-up just 2 days before your wedding" and "had an abortion". If these are the reall issues then just be upfront with yourself about it and move on. She will always be a woman who had an abortion, he past can't change.

On the other hand, if you believe that she doesn't want to be dishonest with you and is a good person why not see if the relationship can grow?

Sometimes the strongest bonds are forged while overcoming difficulties together.

She was not a virgin; night of marriage i "asked about sheets" and she said it does not always work that way (she is from medical field). I had no reason to challenge her or to question her; this our first night and trusting her felt like the right thing.

FWIW, she is correct that the first time isn't always a bloody mess.

If she was looking for a way out, why threaten to kill her self? If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies? (unless for GC). Before marriage i told her my values (you may or may not agree with my values) and she did not HAVE to agree to them; i told her if she doesn't think it is to be and i will be willing to say it isn't to be because of me to family.

You ask good questions, how does she answer these? I would think that matters more than what some internet strangers say.

[james&olya 1,121]

She was not a virgin; night of marriage i "asked about sheets" and she said it does not always work that way (she is from medical field). I had no reason to challenge her or to question her; this our first night and trusting her felt like the right thing.

If she was looking for a way out, why threaten to kill her self? If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies? (unless for GC). Before marriage i told her my values (you may or may not agree with my values) and she did not HAVE to agree to them; i told her if she doesn't think it is to be and i will be willing to say it isn't to be because of me to family.

She was correct about the 'sheets' thing not being able to disprove virginity. Girls that are quite active in athletics often may have a 'non-virgin' appearance just due to athletic activity. There are also myriad ways that minor playground accidents could result in the same.

The bleach thing was an obvious play for attention or sympathy! Bleach is rarely fatal, often has no significant effect at all! People who are truly suicidal make their attempts in private and are found dead. People who make suicide GESTURES do it in front of others or announce it right after, usually choose what they understand to be probably non-lethal 'means', and do it all in the midst of emotional game-playing or blackmail! This obviously fit the latter!

[NY_BX 397]

What I wrote was hypothetical anwser to a hypothetical situation so you don't have to give personal details.

Since she's knowledgeable about the medical field, bleach isn't the first one would use to 'kill' themselves. She cold have 'planned' this and so replaced the bleach in the container with water that way the chlorine content in the water she would have drunk may get her sick but not necessarily kill her.

'If she never wanted to be with me, then why marry me in lies?' I think someone did say there is a sizeable possibility that she married for a green card.

I do not depart from my assumption that the "abortion/ 2 days prior to marriage affair" story is the actual lie. It sounds like a movie plot fabrication- the pregnant mistress that will partake in an arranged marriage... what to do? Have the child and escape with the married man or have an abortion and marry her actual fiance? The twists, set-ups and pay-offs of this story are undisclosed... and that's all good.

I truly believe the lady wants out and she laid out the cards for him to play them. She knows what is unacceptable to him and she played the part. If he wants out, then they both want the same thing.

Edited March 20, 2012 by NY_BX

[Mike B. 231]

Oh my God, can we please stop making totally wild assumptions about this? Maybe the bleach had been secretly replaced with some other liquid! Or maybe it was bleach after all and she knew through her medical expertise that drinking bleach somehow isn't that bad for you! Maybe she didn't really get an abortion, and is lying about lying about that! Or maybe not only did she get an abortion, but her parents found out and married her off!

Or maybe none of us know hell we're talking about. Ever think of that possibility? Unbelievable.

[Fandango 1,439]

Oh my God, can we please stop making totally wild assumptions about this? Maybe the bleach had been secretly replaced with some other liquid! Or maybe it was bleach after all and she knew through her medical expertise that drinking bleach somehow isn't that bad for you! Maybe she didn't really get an abortion, and is lying about lying about that! Or maybe not only did she get an abortion, but her parents found out and married her off!

Or maybe none of us know hell we're talking about. Ever think of that possibility? Unbelievable.

Ding ding ding! we have a winner

+1 to you, sir.