Need Help Ending It

[Shane and Lovely 22]

I also want to add that when she told me all of this, my first reaction was "I don't want this". She then threatened to commit suicide if i left her. She even ran to the bathroom and tried to drink some bleach; i stopped her. Currently i told her that i am still thinking it over, i need time...

...but inside i have already made my decision, but can't tell her. Divorce/separation is a big deal.

how can i go about this not looking like the bad guy?

To me this sounds like a woman who truly loves you. Slowly she is trusting you not to judge her. She has been very scared to tell you anything because none of this is accepted in her culture. If she meant to commit fraud or anything of that nature she wouldn't feel so scared of you leaving her and really wouldn't have told you anything in the first place. She can't change her past but has chosen you as her future. Has she hidden major things from you? YES!! Now ask yourself the reasons for this. I personally understand your feelings on the abortion, but this doesn't mean she can't have children with you. Don't make a rash decision my friend. It all seems to me the acts of a very scared, very emotionally unstable woman based on past experience. Yet your forgiveness of her past, and acceptance of what she has done has given her courage to trust you and tell you more. Call me anything, but if you really do love her then the past is the past.. you can't change it and neither can she. The question is what has she done with you? Has she been a good and loyal and loving wife? (past out of the question) You make the choice but remember you have to live with any regrets in the future .. positive or negative.

[princess apple 4]

you really needto contact ice while it is yet still early and also uscis. because not reporting this can also get you into trouble as well. call them before time passses.

you really need to report this to the ice and to the uscis office.this is nothing to play with and waiting could have an adverse problem for you as well.

[Mike B. 231]

you really needto contact ice while it is yet still early and also uscis. because not reporting this can also get you into trouble as well. call them before time passses.

you really need to report this to the ice and to the uscis office.this is nothing to play with and waiting could have an adverse problem for you as well.

Like what? "Freeze, perp! You're under arrest for not telling us that your wife wasn't a virgin on her wedding night!" As Dana Carvey impersonating George H.W. Bush would say, "Nah. Ganh. Happen."

[Poolshark 0]

This is sad and you sound young. I caution you to go slow. Living a life takes a long time and there will be many bumps in the road. Maybe you feel like you are off to a rough start, but that doesn't mean things won't get better. When you meet someone in another country and you can't spend a lot of time together, there are bound to be surprises. It is naive to think that nobody has a past. Of course, they do. You just have to treat it like time started from the here and now. If you turn down the drama and just show your loving side, someday you will love each other so much more than you do now, if you just give it time. Put your wounded pride aside and let time heal your wounds. Try to work it out. Good luck

[princess apple 4]

Like what? "Freeze, perp! You're under arrest for not telling us that your wife wasn't a virgin on her wedding night!" As Dana Carvey impersonating George H.W. Bush would say, "Nah. Ganh. Happen."

they can be told that she married him under false pretenses and and she was not truthful in the marraige and that there is a pending divorce. he just needs to let them know he is out of the marraige to further make her case look bad when she goes to lift condidions. they can deny her and send her phony butt back home.

[aaydrian 479]

Oh my God, can we please stop making totally wild assumptions about this? Maybe the bleach had been secretly replaced with some other liquid! Or maybe it was bleach after all and she knew through her medical expertise that drinking bleach somehow isn't that bad for you! Maybe she didn't really get an abortion, and is lying about lying about that! Or maybe not only did she get an abortion, but her parents found out and married her off!

Or maybe none of us know hell we're talking about. Ever think of that possibility? Unbelievable.

Don't blame 'us' because our imagination is as wild as The OP's wife's plus you need to follow the specific convo that led to the 'virgin' and 'bleach doesn't kill' statements.

[Laure&Colin 290]

Let's clarify a few things:

- no, spousal visa doesn't buy you a 10-year green card if the couple has been married less than 2 years. You'll have a conditional 2-year green card if you go through POE before your 2nd anniversary.

- if you divorce now, she will have to file for Removal of Conditions as soon as the divorce is finalized, NOT in 2 years. ROC works like that: 2 years after acquiring the LPR status if still married to the same USC OR immediately after divorce, should it be the case, then having to prove that the marriage was entered in good faith.

On a non-immigration related subject:

- bleech is bad, don't drink bleech. The people who said it was harmless are totally wrong. It will cause chemical burns to your digestive system and get you to the hospital. Will it kill you? Probably not, unless you get complications afterwards.

- not all girls bleed during/after their first sexual intercourse, she was right about that. I find the fact that you asked her about it quite interesting.

Now I think you are saying one thing and actually doing the contrary: you say that you want trust and honesty, that spouses must be open to hear each other's story, you want to be loved, but you agree to an arranged wedding with someone you obviously expected to meet all the requirements for your "perfect wife": virgin, honest, willing to tell you everything about her although she barely knew you.

I don't know how you could think that an arranged wedding would bring you love and an honest relationship. Maybe in 5 years time, that's what it could turn out to be. But what you did was marry a complete stranger, how could she sincerely love you?? She dumped the ex-boyfriend 2 days before the wedding... so?? She was not in love with you at that time, she was just completing her side of the agreement, and she stayed with the guy she loved as long as she could before tying the knot with the husband her family chose for her. What exactly is wrong with that?

I have to say I'm quite surprised by your expectations from an arranged marriage. From what I have witnessed (not in France of course, not in India either, in a third country where I lived during 5 years where arranged marriages are common), an arranged marriage is a lot of pretending and concealing, very little intimacy, and rarely any love at all. I've seen people who were ok with that, because they did NOT expect personal and emotional fullfilment through their marriage. They found that with their close family or friends, and their marriage was merely a way to have children and a respectable social status. There can be mutual respect and trust, but love is just not the foundation such a marriage is built on.

Divorcing her is gonna cause a shockwave which may have very serious consequences when it reaches her family back in India. That's something you should really think of before making any decision.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Laure&Colin

[Mike B. 231]

they can be told that she married him under false pretenses and and she was not truthful in the marraige and that there is a pending divorce. he just needs to let them know he is out of the marraige to further make her case look bad when she goes to lift condidions. they can deny her and send her phony butt back home.

Lying about your sexual history is not a crime, nor is it prohibited by immigration laws, nor is it per se proof that the marriage was not based upon a bonafide relationship. If it were those things, 90% of this country would be in jail and we'd have virtually no immigration.

[NeedHelp_Fraud 0]

Lying about your sexual history is not a crime, nor is it prohibited by immigration laws, nor is it per se proof that the marriage was not based upon a bonafide relationship. If it were those things, 90% of this country would be in jail and we'd have virtually no immigration.

I guess this may not be a "fraud" issue... i may be looking at "she told after she got her GC" too much... it may just be a coincidence...

...

Now I think you are saying one thing and actually doing the contrary: you say that you want trust and honesty, that spouses must be open to hear each other's story, you want to be loved, but you agree to an arranged wedding with someone you obviously expected to meet all the requirements for your "perfect wife": virgin, honest, willing to tell you everything about her although she barely knew you.

...

virgin was never a requirement. there no such thing as a "perfect wife/husband". I am by no means "perfect", i have told her my flaws (that i know of and ppl have told me) and it was upto her to pick if that is okay with her.

willing to tell me everything, yes. barely knew me, may be. but why wait 1 year until?

...

I don't know how you could think that an arranged wedding would bring you love and an honest relationship. Maybe in 5 years time, that's what it could turn out to be. But what you did was marry a complete stranger, how could she sincerely love you?? She dumped the ex-boyfriend 2 days before the wedding... so?? She was not in love with you at that time, she was just completing her side of the agreement, and she stayed with the guy she loved as long as she could before tying the knot with the husband her family chose for her. What exactly is wrong with that?

...

I never knew that arranged wedding can not be open and honest? Her family didn't choose the husband, she did. And I told her then, "if she is being force into this, i will say no on her behalf". And i do know her family, they didn't force her into this.

...

Divorcing her is gonna cause a shockwave which may have very serious consequences when it reaches her family back in India. That's something you should really think of before making any decision.

...

Yes, i know this. India culture is harsh, esp on women. I want to be careful as i can be, for my and her safety. But this shouldn't mean i should just shut up and live with her, even if i don't trust her? The "very serious consequences" are due to my deception/actions?

As i said in my original post,

"I know many people here may be thinking that i should forgive her; her past is her past. I should look towards the future. However for me it is hard to see my future with her. I feel as if i cannot trust her any more; and without trust the relation is not going any where."

I have lost trust in her. And knowing my self, i will not be able to forget so easily. (go ahead call me selfish or whatever). If we have arguments down the road, knowing my self, i will bring "this" up. I do not want to use "this" as a leverage in our relation. (i have no right to?).

I believe i should not focus on if this is fraud or not, and just find a lawyer and get an annulment/divorce and move on. Carefully find a way for her to get to family/friends (all in India). And hope she will be safe with her family/friends.

This is going to financially suck. Indian wedding are already expensive, who would thought divorces would be too... life is worth it... i guess...

[Soapz 14]

Op, sometimes life deals us an unlucky hand. I do not know much about India or its culture beyond second hand knowledge, but I did do some counseling with a girl who was expected to agree to an arranged marriage. She was from Egypt and lived in the US since age 4. Her parents were guilt-tripping her like I've never seen before, but they never "pressured" her. Of course not. Usually there is a lot more than what we see on the surface and what we are allowed to see.

I believe that you are disappointed and hurt because your 'future' just fell apart. I can't say if it is all her fault, maybe and maybe not. I think it is good for you that you are now willing to dissolve this situation amicably for both of you.

My advice: Make sure she understands that there will be no ongoing marriage with her. Make sure that she understands that you are willing to 'help' her to a certain extend, but that there are definite limits on how much. Offer her assistance in returning home. And of course, get a divorce. Now, if you have to assume at any given time that she will suffer consequences from her family you might want to think of an alternative route. And no, I'm not suggesting to break any laws or do anything illegal. But maybe you could consider giving both of you more time to decide what to do with your future. Do you really know why she didn't tell you all these things before?

It is real easy to yell fraud when our feelings/trust/love, etc. get hurt. We feel betrayed and used and our first instinct is to lash out and hurt the other person in return. It is frightening to see how many people are willing to act out of revenge, unwilling to take responsibility for the situation. You basically agreed to marry a stranger, and now you don't like the person you got. This happens all time, even with people that actually know each other for years. Take this experience, learn from it and do not repeat it.

Sometimes we make a bad call, all we can do is deal with it and get over it.

[TBoneTX 43,194]

As i said in my original post,

"I know many people here may be thinking that i should forgive her; her past is her past. I should look towards the future. However for me it is hard to see my future with her. I feel as if i cannot trust her any more; and without trust the relation is not going any where."

"Know thyself."

I have lost trust in her. And knowing my self, i will not be able to forget so easily. (go ahead call me selfish or whatever). If we have arguments down the road, knowing my self, i will bring "this" up. I do not want to use "this" as a leverage in our relation. (i have no right to?).

Loss of trust is perhaps the chief relationship-killer.

I believe i should not focus on if this is fraud or not, and just find a lawyer and get an annulment/divorce and move on. Carefully find a way for her to get to family/friends (all in India). And hope she will be safe with her family/friends.

Do this, si man.

This is going to financially suck. Indian wedding are already expensive, who would thought divorces would be too... life is worth it... i guess...

It may, they are, and it is, si man.

[Penguin_ie 5,986]

**** Judgemental comment and post quoting same removed. The OP has received the necessary advice, so I am closing this topic as it has become personal/ life style advice. OP, if you want it re-opened, either "report" it or PM me *****