Tragedy in home country

[popthecork 0]

I have searched through the forums and have not found a situation like ours, so I do hope I am posting in the right spot. My husband and I have been married for two years and are in the ROC process.

Recently, we suffered a death in my husbands family. His parents are both alive and quite elderly. My husband wants us to move back to his home country to care for them. My in-laws are wonderful and the home country is beautiful, but I dont want to move there. He is my best friend and we are very much in love and I dont want to lose him. We have a good life here in the US, nice home, good jobs, etc. I fear losing this.

Has anyone here gone through a similar situation? What did you do?

[Inky 1,110]

He left his very elderly parents, his home, his friends, his previous job, life and country to come live with you in another country. Huge life changing event just to be with you.

Now that something has happened in his family he wants to return to care for his parents. You don't want to go?

Think about it in his shoes....

[Mary and Enrique 8]

Firstly, my condolences to you and your husband's family in what I know must be a very difficult time.

When my dad passed away unexpectedly at the age of 52, I felt a very strong need to move to my home state and take care of my grieving mother and devastated family. Ultimately I realized that I couldn't afford to move without a job, and it would be foolish of me to give up a good, stable job with coworkers who know me and understand that any flakiness is grief and not just my being a crappy worker. So I stayed here and did what I could from a distance until I was more stable.

I'm so glad I did.

I am still considering moving closer to my mom, but these days, I would be doing it with my life mostly put back together, a supportive husband, and with my mom in a relationship of her own. Giving a little space between such a loss allowed us to find healthy ways to move forward, rather than making an emotional, reactionary decision that could lead (and in our case, likely would have) to a codependent relationship where we can't fully heal as individuals. Instead of both being happily paired up with our own lives, we'd likely still be living in the same house, stuck in the past.

Conventional wisdom (not that that's always the right thing, but you know) is to not make any major life changes for one year after suffering the loss of a close loved one. If I were in your position, I would propose that you agree to stay in the United States at LEAST until your husband has his 10-year green card, and maybe longer (I know your in laws are elderly and this may make the situation seem more urgent, so you can decide on a reasonable timeline taking that into consideration). With that in hand, you have some options.

As for whether you should really move, there are so many factors to consider there -- my husband and I are in the same boat. What I have been researching, and what I'd encourage you to research, is planning an extended trip (say, 12 weeks) to your husband's country after this waiting period. See if your jobs would allow you to take a leave of absence, whether you can rent out your home for a few months, whether you would be welcome to stay in a relative's house abroad to keep your expenses manageable. It's a lot to plan, of course, but it's nowhere near as involved as going on a (possibly) permanent basis, and will allow you both to be more objective about whether the live you love as a couple will really translate to another culture. I love Honduras, but I've seen the numbers and know that half of ex-pats who plan to retire there don't make it. I think I probably could, but do I *know* that? It would be irresponsible to assume.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but that's what I'd do: comfort your husband in his loss, show him the value in waiting to make any decision until his 10 year green card is secured, and run the numbers on your finances to see how doable it would be for you to spend several months in his country, rather than just a week or ten days. Most likely, I'd imagine you would both come to the conclusion, there, that it isn't practical for you to move on a permanent basis - at least for the immediate future. And if it isn't, you can support him in planning out how to visit more so he can still take an active role in his family's life. Either way, I'm sure he will appreciate your willingness to (cautiously) move forward and try to consider his wishes and family in your own life.

best wishes -- I hope it all unfolds in the best way possible.

[Dave&Roza 748]

I am thankful that my wife does not care about the good job, the nice home, and other things. Things can be replaced. Family and friends cannot. Once they are gone they are gone. Having recently lost my Mother I think I can understand where your husband is coming from--besides, you might have a better life in Chile. I suspect you have some soul searching to do to come up with your desicion.

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you guys.

Dave

[AmberOctober 25]

I understand what you're talking about. It would be irresponsible for both of you to go to the country where you will probably not have a job for who knows how long, and will have to financially support yourself and his parents. Though it probably doesn't sound too good but it's the situation where you have to think with your head first.

How about bringing his parents here? I assume it takes 5 months now for parents' cases to be processed? He could go there during this wait time while you work and take care of stuff here.

[popthecork 0]

Thank you all for your responses. I do have some soul searching to do. He would walk on fire for me, so I am seriously considering all the options. I am not so worried about the "stuff" as I am of the security that those "things" indicate. My reason for writing here is to gain perspective from others who have gone through the same situation. The VJ community is unique in that we do have each other to turn to. I am thinking through the complexities involved with financial, emotional, familial - for both me and my husband. I appreciate the insight the forum like this provides.

[Nina~ 431]

I am going to agree with Amber. I know 2 people who have done exactly what you are talking about and have regretted it for the rest of their lives. It would be wise to not make any big decisions like this during an emotional time.

Is it possible that your husband could be homesick and is using his parents as a reason to justify moving back? Can you convince him to hold off for another year till he can apply for his citizenship and bring his parents here instead?

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

You asked, so I will answer.

A child is born into a family.

He grows up with his family, learns, starts making informed decisions.

Eventually he becomes an adult.

He gets married and starts his own family in a land far, far away.

Something happens in his old family. He now has to decide between his previous family and his current family.

Will he choose his previous family, the one he left over his current family?

If so, it's the same like he's moving back in with his ex-wife.

If so, he's not worth your time.

A man who is willing to abandon his wife to be with mommy and daddy deserves a kick in the buttocks. No, two.

Well, you asked.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

You asked, so I will answer.

A child is born into a family.

He grows up with his family, learns, starts making informed decisions.

Eventually he becomes an adult.

He gets married and starts his own family in a land far, far away.

Something happens in his old family. He now has to decide between his previous family and his current family.

Will he choose his previous family, the one he left over his current family?

If so, it's the same like he's moving back in with his ex-wife.

If so, he's not worth your time.

A man who is willing to abandon his wife to be with mommy and daddy deserves a kick in the buttocks. No, two.

Well, you asked.

Actually, she did not say he was willing to abandon his wife to be with 'mommy and daddy' - don't turn this into something that doesn't exist. She wrote: "My husband wants us to move back to his home country to care for them.".

Sometimes reality throws us for a loop and an event that causes us to realize that our parents - who always seemed to capable and independent - are fragile and in need is one of those loops. Illness and death are no longer abstract thoughts but in-your-face possibilities. All of a sudden something that seemed so stable and so secure, something that is part of your own sense of identity, is at risk, and you are hit hard by the realization that they may not have much time left. Loving children - even as adults - care about their parents. When you care about something you want to protect it, to look after it. When we were children, our parents cared and protected and looked after us. Now we are adults and we suddenly fear that our elderly parents now need us to care and protect and look after them. This is not about a man abandoning his wife to be with mommy and daddy - this is about an adult child who realizes that the time left with his parents is growing short; who sees that they are now frail and require help - and who loves them enough that he wants to protect them and care for them too - not instead of - but 'in addition'.

I can fully sympathize with his feellings, having lost my own elderly father just a few weeks ago. Please don't try to turn something caring and thoughtful into something small and mean-spirited. It is anything but - and the OPs concerns are also valid. These are major life realizations and major life choices they are facing - and they do require a lot of careful weighing of all of the options.

Good luck to you both as you try to figure out what to do next. If your husband's parents situation is such that he can wait until after he removes his conditions and obtains US citizenship, your future options will be more numerous. That timeline, however, may not be a real option depending on your in-laws health and circumstances.

Edited December 17, 2011 by Kathryn41

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My in-laws are wonderful and the home country is beautiful, but I dont want to move there. He is my best friend and we are very much in love and I dont want to lose him. We have a good life here in the US, nice home, good jobs, etc. I fear losing this.

Why does the recent death mean moving back to his home country to care for his parents? I suspect that for some time your husband has been thinking about the family he "left behind" to come here and this death has shocked him into thinking about his, and his parents mortality.

I am the immigrant and my sister back home in Australia is now pregnant. While I *thought* I thought about what moving here would mean in terms of family situation, it wasn't until she announced it that I started thinking about how her kid would grow up seeing my husband and I only occasionally and wondering if they/he/she would know who we were. That of course led to thinking about our own children and how to make that work. It seems unrelated but I feel its similar to how your husband was suddenly forced to think about realities he'd been ignoring/putting out of his mind.

My father is elderly. Whilst here in my first year he had a stroke. I had to fly home (over 24 hours of travel time) and eventually make the decision (together with my mother) to put him in a nursing home (elderly care facility if you want to be p.c.). As you can imagine, whilst I knew before leaving my father was elderly, and came to terms with the idea that he *might* pass while I was away, it was one of those situations where I thought more about what's involved in "going back home" for such events. You actually have to talk to yourself and discuss the scenarios/illnesses that would have you flying home to be with family.

If I was at home in Aus I would be going to baby expos with my sister, probably an ultrasound or two, probably in delivery with her. She's asked me to throw a baby shower but from here I can only liaise with the person she's had to pick with ideas and stuff. These are all things I gave up without realising it. What medical situations am I okay ignoring? Surgeries? What surgeries are more severe than others?

Did you ever discuss with your husband the likelihood of going back to his home country? You'll see the part I left quoted above and the sections I bolded. You'll notice a lot of "I" statements. It's always good to know what we as individuals want, but sometimes relationships take compromise. Some people in your situation wouldn't even think about it and would hope on a plane and move to the other country. As some people have posted, many regret making an emotional decision. My husband is like you. We discussed, long before marriage, moving back to Aus at some stage. There was a day a few months ago where I mentioned it and he said he was worried about leaving behind the house, and trucks and other "stuff", jut like you said, you're afraid of losing what's taken you years to build and secure, and I totally understand that.

I also understand that you're thinking about what exactly your life will be like there. Will he work? Will you find a job easy? What exactly does "caring for them" mean? Live together? You get along now but what if living together becomes really difficult? What if your relationship doesn't survive the strain and you return to the US with nothing? How are you going to stay there? Apply for a visa? What about all the money "wasted" on the process here? Does this mean you'll live out your lives there or return once they've passed on? And then what? You've sold/moved all your stuff so you have to start from scratch years from now.

It's not a healthy relationship decision to think about moving back SOLELY to care for his parents. If you and he aren't going to make your lives there, you will basically be marking time waiting for his parents to die. That probably wouldn't be how you thought out-loud, but that's really all it would be. I suggest looking into alternatives. Visiting now for him for an extended period (a month maybe). Or visits more regularly (every 4-6 months). OR as someone else suggested, just do a visit now, and then in a year when he can get USC, apply for their visas to move them here. You get to keep your jobs, you're able to look after them. No major upheaval.

Bear in mind though - he gave up his life to move to the US, so be sensitive when you talk to him about what you want. Compromise. Right now he's most likely to have a one track mind. Maybe you can have another family member move in with them for now. Maybe you can pay for a help service.

[AmyWrites 593]

I don't want to be cold, but he left everything for you, and judging by the fact that you're going through ROC, forever, and you can't do the same for him? This isn't some petty "It's more fun in Chile" type of argument. It's his family.

Some feedback you're getting here is from people from Anglo countries... different culture. Latin Americans, like apparently Filipinos, expect to take care of their families; and "family" means your kids, your husband/wife, your parents. It's cultural.

Obviously you need to plan this very well, since practicality does matter. But at the very least you should look into moving, since he moved for you, and Chile is doing very well anyway.

[Krikit 1,163]

Some feedback you're getting here is from people from Anglo countries... different culture. Latin Americans, like apparently Filipinos, expect to take care of their families; and "family" means your kids, your husband/wife, your parents. It's cultural.

No offense, but "Anglo countries" do that too.

Good luck on a difficult decicision, popthecork.

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

No offense, but "Anglo countries" do that too.

I know right.

OP - When you marry someone from a different country this is part of the deal. If you didn't discuss it before hand then that's too bad but have a conversation about it now. You can be kind and willing to compromise while still making your feelings known.

Good luck with everything

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

My husband and I have lived in both his country and mine and now we are in the process of moving back to his. He has been gone for more than 3 months now getting a job, fixing a place for us to live, etc. He was concerned about the health of his parents. Its a good thing he left when he did...his dad passed away just over a month after he arrived. I would go to the ends of the earth for my husband...as he would for me. Is it difficult leaving behind things here and starting over again in the UK....of course. But we'll be together....and that's all we've ever wanted.

[AmberOctober 25]

Glyn and Kathy, I don't think it's comparable. The UK is the UK and Chile is Chile.

(BTW, My husband (USC) and I would give a LOT to move to the UK to live there. Have been there many times and LOVE it.)