Is it just me or has going through immigration really put wedding planning into perspective?

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

My husband and I wanted a big white wedding but didn't get it. My father probably would have paid (he's fairly traditional and makes good money as a doctor) but we had to do everything rush-rush at the last minute for various visa-related reasons.

Our wedding was actually pretty sad. I wore a used dress and he wore an old suit. His parents were able to make it from Canada, thankfully, but only my parents and two of my nine siblings could attend. My dad snapped some shots on his camera but deleted most of them. I have, like, three pictures of my wedding day. I had to go to work right after so we didn't even have a dinner or anything "nice" afterwards. His parents offered us 4k for a honeymoon, an offer we haven't been able to take them up on four years later. My father swears to this day that he gave us some money as a present but he never did.

So my total wedding cost was whatever the marriage license cost plus $200 for both of our rings. His mom bought me a beautiful bouquet to "carry" which was sweet of her.

I think the hardest part was the total lack of validation from any of our other family/friends. We sent out cards but got maybe a handful of replies? Only his parents gave us a present. It was like...we had to do everything so last minute so it wasn't a "real marriage" in the eyes of most of our family and friends. I had family asking me two years into my marriage when I was going to have a real ceremony!

Ugh, that's awful that your extended family doesn't consider it a "real marriage" just because of the circumstances around it! A real marriage isn't having a big ceremony, it's the relationship you have with your other half that really matters! I'm not the most "popular" member of my family - very few of my extended family members have even said "congratulations" to us - I've had a few say they were happy for us, and I had a few that were like, "WHAT?" I'm not joking...*sigh* I'm not the most "successful" person, being a 28-year-old college drop-out who has mostly worked foodservice or retail jobs, with no immediate plans to go back to school at the moment. I'm currently examining if college is for me or not, because I've had a few attempts at college and I always ended up dropping out, not because I'm unintelligent or incapable of academic performance, but because my heart's just not in it. I have simple tastes for what makes me happy in life: time with my love, my family, good books, good conversation, good food, nature...and I don't think work is my identity at all. I love to read and learn new things, but something about the structure and conformity of college gets to me. And that's just me, but I think some of my extended family thinks if you're not a "career person" you are a failure, even if you're able to make an honest living and care for yourself and are a good member of society, you are a loser and a failure if you don't have a college degree and aren't working in a higher field. My parents more or less now accept that this is me, and are supportive. We don't really talk about it much, but they seem happy that I'm happy in my simple life. Other people in my family seem dubious about anything I want to do with my life at all, whether it's working a more simple job (working to live, not living to work, and just enjoying my hobbies and other things which make me happy in my spare time), or marrying a Russian. I think a lot of my extended family would only want me to have a big wedding so they could eat some free food and drink some free alcohol and have a free party to attend. Sorry, but I'm not going to throw a party for people who are barely ever there for me or don't even acknowledge me or congratulate me about the happiest part of my life, which is being in love with my husband! They can stick it where the sun don't shine, and I think it's healthier for you to have the same attitude towards your extended family who poo-poo your marriage just because it wasn't big, fancy, or traditional. It sucks that you're made to feel that way by your family. It seems like they're getting wedding mixed up with marriage. A wedding is just one day, a marriage is a whole lifetime!

[sachinky 464]

It's really a personal thing - the folks on the other side can't imagine why you DON'T obsess over every detail. Neither opinion is right or wrong though...careful

I can say that 4 years later..even the day after...most of it doesn't matter. You're married! Some folks just don't feel married unless they've had a big affair, some feel it's better to have something intimate with close family and friends.

I am hardly Kim Kardashian (who has been planning her wedding day since she was like 10 - supposedly) I always assumed I would be married but the details weren't something I worried about.

THIS. My best friend (since 5th grade) and I had a huge fall out because we were looking at pictures of some folks we knew in highschool and I implied that their traditional Bengali wedding pictures looked like a freaking circus. Apparently, that was her idea of a dream wedding--whoknew--and she blew up at me saying I was trying to dump on her wedding day (which was a year and a half away at that point) because I was unhappy in my marriage and whatnot. GOSH. Anywho, I am happy we are no longer on speaking terms because if she plans to be a raging Bridezilla b!tch for the next year and a half, I am not willing to partake in the madness. There's only so much interest I can feign when the topic hovers around 'what should the backs of the chair look like.'

[KayDeeCee 4,891]

My husband and I just wanted a wedding day that would proclaim our love and be memorable to us forever. That didn't mean big, fancy and expensive. I was married before and have 2 kids. I didn't have a wedding for my first marriage but wanted one with my new husband. Since we are an older couple, the wedding plans and costs were all on us.

I do some freelance web design work and already have hosting space, so I just created our wedding site on my own and paid a small fee for the personal domain name.

We paid for a beautiful room for the night and use of their gazebo for the ceremony at a lovely little bed and breakfast.

I bought and arranged our own flowers and we decorated everything ourselves. We purchased the food and cake from local delis and bakeries and laid out the food spread ourselves as well. We recorded music on DVDs for the ceremony and reception, and purchased a few bottles of wine and champagne for the celebration. We bought a cake topper from online that had a lot of meaning to us, and since I did not care about traditional wedding dresses, I found a burgundy dress I loved on sale for $45. It was perfect, since our wedding colors were burgundy, black and white.

We used a local officiant who only asked for a small donation to a charity as payment. The photographer I wanted could not shoot our wedding as she was pregnant with twins at the time. I looked around and found the cheapest alternative for $375. In total we spent around $2k on everything. The food and photographer took up the biggest chunk of the budget.

We wrote our own vows and had a lovely private ceremony with just my kids, mother, our maid of honor and best man, and a few other family members and friends. We were finally able to live together and begin our lives as husband and wife. It was not about how much money we spent or having everything you are "supposed" to include and do for a wedding. It was about celebrating our love and the fact we had finally made it through the distance and immigration stresses. It turned out wonderful.

[at long last 58]

This is an interesting subject for me. I too have been married before as well as my fiance. I just got to the point that I'm tired of Having to invite so and so and if you invite so and so don't forget whats her name. BLAH.. We are having a JP in our home with a couple to be a witness, even not needed just wanted, and our own vows. Then we are going out for dinner. Then arriving back to our home on the waterfront with our own stuff, own timeframe. Can't wait. After all this time apart we just want alone time and quiet time together.

But because we want to have a party this is going to be our (secret wedding) so we can get paperwork done. The party is for everyone else to celebrate with us when the weather is warmer...lol

good luck to everyone and their marriages.

Terri

[Hank_ 9,173]

hmmm... .interesting.

If some would put as much planning into the marriage as they do the wedding there would be fewer divorces.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

hmmm... .interesting.

If some would put as much planning into the marriage as they do the wedding there would be fewer divorces.

I agree. I hate how some people obsess (men or women) during that engagement/wedding planning phase about their "big day" like it's a destination to be reached. I often wonder what these people occupy with their time once their wedding has come and gone.

I recently talked to a newly married co-worker about how his engagement/wedding planning went. He told me that for the entire engagement period his fiancee's mom and grandmother talked about nothing except wedding planning when he was in their company. He also said he couldn't tell me what his wedding centerpieces looked like or how the food at the reception tasted. He was married 3 months ago.

Just as many holidays have been exploited by commercialism, I similarly feel weddings have followed suite. No thanks. Not for me.

[Austramerican 83]

We are going to get married by law as a small just us plus witnesses thing, start adjusting the status, and then a few months later have the big event with family and friends. I'm the first girl in my family to get married and he's the first one in his to get married so we are going to have a decent sized wedding since our family and friends are veryyyyy important to us and we want to show them a good time my dad is paying for it, but my budget is around 7,000. Fortunately I have a network of awesome talented friends, and my fiance and I are both creative, so we can do a LOT of stuff ourselves. I totally don't think wedding planning detracts at all from the visa process, in fact it keeps me sane during this long wait!

I'm one of those people that have been planning my wedding since high school, however the plan I made back them is totally different for our wedding theme now. Ben and I both love steampunk, so our wedding will be steampunk/civil war theme as I also live in VA. I'm currently writing a novel based on the story behind our wedding theme, where instead of it being the north and south, its australia and america who were at war, and our wedding is the peace treaty The clothes will all be civil war era styled and the reception will be a Victorian era tea time. CHeap is good, what matters most is being married, but Ben and I love to express ourselves artistically in everything we do so we just couldn't have a generic basic wedding ;D

[wee carrington 33]

I am hardly Kim Kardashian (who has been planning her wedding day since she was like 10 - supposedly) I always assumed I would be married but the details weren't something I worried about.

The whole planning her wedding since she was 10 thing worked out well for her I see

hmmm... .interesting.

If some would put as much planning into the marriage as they do the wedding there would be fewer divorces.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of women are so focused on having 'their big day' that the groom is pretty much a fill-in-the-blank type guy. To each their own, I suppose.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

THIS. My best friend (since 5th grade) and I had a huge fall out because we were looking at pictures of some folks we knew in highschool and I implied that their traditional Bengali wedding pictures looked like a freaking circus. Apparently, that was her idea of a dream wedding--whoknew--and she blew up at me saying I was trying to dump on her wedding day (which was a year and a half away at that point) because I was unhappy in my marriage and whatnot. GOSH. Anywho, I am happy we are no longer on speaking terms because if she plans to be a raging Bridezilla b!tch for the next year and a half, I am not willing to partake in the madness. There's only so much interest I can feign when the topic hovers around 'what should the backs of the chair look like.'

Or freaking out because the invitations are, God forbid!, sea green instead of mint and it's totally going to clash with the mint bridesmaid dresses! Gosh! Those soulless printers must have no intention other than ruining the "Big Day".

[Kathryn41 3,205]

We are going to get married by law as a small just us plus witnesses thing, start adjusting the status, and then a few months later have the big event with family and friends. I'm the first girl in my family to get married and he's the first one in his to get married so we are going to have a decent sized wedding since our family and friends are veryyyyy important to us and we want to show them a good time my dad is paying for it, but my budget is around 7,000. Fortunately I have a network of awesome talented friends, and my fiance and I are both creative, so we can do a LOT of stuff ourselves. I totally don't think wedding planning detracts at all from the visa process, in fact it keeps me sane during this long wait!

I'm one of those people that have been planning my wedding since high school, however the plan I made back them is totally different for our wedding theme now. Ben and I both love steampunk, so our wedding will be steampunk/civil war theme as I also live in VA. I'm currently writing a novel based on the story behind our wedding theme, where instead of it being the north and south, its australia and america who were at war, and our wedding is the peace treaty The clothes will all be civil war era styled and the reception will be a Victorian era tea time. CHeap is good, what matters most is being married, but Ben and I love to express ourselves artistically in everything we do so we just couldn't have a generic basic wedding ;D

Now, This is delightful! I love SteamPunk - it is so incredibly creative and 'fun' - and you are making your wedding so uniquely your own in a way that means something to you - and you are having fun with it . Bravo!

When I was younger I thought I would love to have a reproduction Regency style wedding (as a War of 1812 re-enactor, it fit). However, by the time Joe and I met the re-enactment wedding just didn't fit anymore and we wanted something simple but meaningful for the two of us. I had planned to make my dress - not a wedding dress but something that felt right for me - and while looking for fabric in a discount fabric warehouse, totally unexpectedly came across 'my dress'. A designer had left some dresses at a fabric store that went out of business and when they were not able to locate her, the dresses and inventory ended up being bought by the warehouse. Out of curiosity, I looked at them and they really were lovely - and all one of a kind. Then, I found mine. It was so perfect that everyone who saw it said it looked like it had been designed for me. It also fit perfectly and was on sale at $75 (original price was over $880)! so, I bought it even though we had only just started the K-1 process.

When it came time for our wedding, everything else fell perfectly into place just like the dress. Through a mutual friend we had met socially a Judge who we both liked. A few weeks later, we asked if he would marry us and he said he was happy to do so. He didn't charge a fee for marrying people, but did ask them to make a donation to a charity of their choice in lieu.

We thought that getting married outside in some sort of a gazebo in a park setting would be really nice but were having trouble finding the right location. While visiting a heritage antebellum mansion site north of where we live, we toured their heritage gardens - and found the perfect spot - a lovely little garden arbor over the entrance to the gardens. We asked the site if they allowed weddings and explained that we wanted something very small with only a handful of people out in the garden and it would be outside of their regular operating hours. They said they didn't normally do that but would ask their Board. We gave them the details of our request, along with the name of the Judge who would be doing the ceremony - and the woman smiled. It turns out he was one of their long term supporters and benefactors. A week or so later, we got our permission as long as we were willing to make a donation to the site in exchange. We were obviously happy to do so and made a donation both to the site for the wedding and then increased the amount to cover the donation requested by the Judge. We figured that was appropriate.

So,on the hottest day of the year to date, in the shade of the garden arbor, with a good friend standing with me, her husband, her daughter and my father as witnesses we were married. I had made the bouquets we carried and my Dad, who was a hobby photographer, took the photos. We then walked to a little bakery cafe in the village with everyone waving and honking as we went by - and with no reservations, walked in to have a lovely after noon tea to celebrate. We then headed back to our house for dinner which Joe and I had already prepared before hand.

Our expenses were my dress, the marriage license, the donation to the historic site, afternoon tea for 7, a home cooked dinner for 6 and the flowers we carried. I made both bouquets with silk flowers from a local craft store, then to mine added two lovely beaded flowers a friend had made for me, and real lilies. My Dad took the real lilies back home with him to Canada and placed them on my Mom's grave and my bouquet is in a vase on display in the living room. It couldn't have been any nicer if we had spent a fortune - and we loved it.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Kathryn41

[TBoneTX 43,059]

that the groom is pretty much a fill-in-the-blank type guy.

Si, man (sigh, man). In Marriage #1, I was a complete appendage -- an appendix, really. My only purpose was to be the validation (or the excuse) for the wedding.

As for Marriage #2 (the final one so far), we were married by a Justice of the Peace on Hallowe'en and had the party (hosted by a cousin locally) on Pearl Harbor Day. Fortunately, few days have lived in infamy so far, si man.

[Rufus2012 175]

Unfortunately for me, WA state has a 3 day waiting period after issuing a marriage license, otherwise, I'd just drag my darling, neanderthal style, to the nearest judge after her plane lands.

The OP makes a great point, this miserable process puts a lot of things into perspective.

[wee carrington 33]

I'd just drag my darling, neanderthal style, to the nearest judge after her plane lands.

[Nicoco 26]

@OP- I totally understand. Everyone around me is trying to make it into a big mess. I just want a simple wedding so I can marry the man I love.

[Lynn n Sam 57]

Now, This is delightful! I love SteamPunk - it is so incredibly creative and 'fun' - and you are making your wedding so uniquely your own in a way that means something to you - and you are having fun with it . Bravo!

When I was younger I thought I would love to have a reproduction Regency style wedding (as a War of 1812 re-enactor, it fit). However, by the time Joe and I met the re-enactment wedding just didn't fit anymore and we wanted something simple but meaningful for the two of us. I had planned to make my dress - not a wedding dress but something that felt right for me - and while looking for fabric in a discount fabric warehouse, totally unexpectedly came across 'my dress'. A designer had left some dresses at a fabric store that went out of business and when they were not able to locate her, the dresses and inventory ended up being bought by the warehouse. Out of curiosity, I looked at them and they really were lovely - and all one of a kind. Then, I found mine. It was so perfect that everyone who saw it said it looked like it had been designed for me. It also fit perfectly and was on sale at $75 (original price was over $880)! so, I bought it even though we had only just started the K-1 process.

When it came time for our wedding, everything else fell perfectly into place just like the dress. Through a mutual friend we had met socially a Judge who we both liked. A few weeks later, we asked if he would marry us and he said he was happy to do so. He didn't charge a fee for marrying people, but did ask them to make a donation to a charity of their choice in lieu.

We thought that getting married outside in some sort of a gazebo in a park setting would be really nice but were having trouble finding the right location. While visiting a heritage antebellum mansion site north of where we live, we toured their heritage gardens - and found the perfect spot - a lovely little garden arbor over the entrance to the gardens. We asked the site if they allowed weddings and explained that we wanted something very small with only a handful of people out in the garden and it would be outside of their regular operating hours. They said they didn't normally do that but would ask their Board. We gave them the details of our request, along with the name of the Judge who would be doing the ceremony - and the woman smiled. It turns out he was one of their long term supporters and benefactors. A week or so later, we got our permission as long as we were willing to make a donation to the site in exchange. We were obviously happy to do so and made a donation both to the site for the wedding and then increased the amount to cover the donation requested by the Judge. We figured that was appropriate.

So,on the hottest day of the year to date, in the shade of the garden arbor, with a good friend standing with me, her husband, her daughter and my father as witnesses we were married. I had made the bouquets we carried and my Dad, who was a hobby photographer, took the photos. We then walked to a little bakery cafe in the village with everyone waving and honking as we went by - and with no reservations, walked in to have a lovely after noon tea to celebrate. We then headed back to our house for dinner which Joe and I had already prepared before hand.

Our expenses were my dress, the marriage license, the donation to the historic site, afternoon tea for 7, a home cooked dinner for 6 and the flowers we carried. I made both bouquets with silk flowers from a local craft store, then to mine added two lovely beaded flowers a friend had made for me, and real lilies. My Dad took the real lilies back home with him to Canada and placed them on my Mom's grave and my bouquet is in a vase on display in the living room. It couldn't have been any nicer if we had spent a fortune - and we loved it.

Oh Kathryn41 - how lovely a wedding day you had and so awesome how everything fell into place for you two! Thanks for sharing such a heartwarming story!

To the OP - I totally agree and I'm with you Amanda - just wanna be with my guy already!! We're just having a few close friends and family at my best friends house. It's all we need and want!