Mother Furious!

[martindart 0]

Mother Furious!

Daughter will soon marry allege boyfriend who talked her into marriage so he can stay in U.S. His student visa will soon expire. This is not true and sincere relationship. Both of legal age she 21 he’s 26. What can mother do? Report to USCIS?

[Niels Bohr 72]

She's 21, and he's 26. They can do whatever they want, it's their life. If the mother disagrees with them go for it. However, be warned that her daughter disagreed with the mother, it may lead to various problems with her in the future because at 21, she will want to be her own boss. It's up to the mother to support her child decision whether it's negative or positive.

[Dana-Mića 51]

Your daughter has a right to do anything she wants and should be able to do it since she is 21. Unless you have legit proof that it is a scam you shouldn't be able to do anything. My personal advice is to let her do what she wants and make her own mistakes because she can get really angry at you that she wont speak to you at all.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Mother Furious!

Daughter will soon marry allege boyfriend who talked her into marriage so he can stay in U.S. His student visa will soon expire. This is not true and sincere relationship. Both of legal age she 21 he’s 26. What can mother do? Report to USCIS?

Sure, she can TRY, but unless there's evidence it's just a mother who doesn't approve of a relationship and USCIS doesn't take that seriously at all.

Perhaps she can try talking to her daughter and explaining that she will be financially responsible for him, even if they divorce, for 40 quarters of work (10 years). It is a VERY serious decision. She can always petition for him after he goes home for a while. She will need to meet sponsorship requirements anyway, of $18,212 for a 2 person household. If she doesn't then her mother can always refuse to co-sponsor unless he goes home first (kinda like a "prove he really loves you") but I doubt it'll make a good relationship with the daughter.

I would suggest to her that he goes home for a while to spend time with his family. Then they can always petition for a fiance visa down the line. It will give her time to think about it, and if he doesn't want to leave and really doesn't love her he'll try and find someone else and some other way.

If he doesn't, and she loves him enough to try, then it's her mistake to make.

Edited March 4, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[mrs. wife! 3]

She can try to report, but based on what? They are over age and have a real relationship (bf-gf).

Unless she has proof that they are not in love and this is only business, everything she does will be worthless.

[SunDrop 59]

Mother Furious!

Daughter will soon marry allege boyfriend who talked her into marriage so he can stay in U.S. His student visa will soon expire. This is not true and sincere relationship. Both of legal age she 21 he’s 26. What can mother do? Report to USCIS?

Kids make mistakes, even grown ones. Mother needs to learn how to step back and allow her daughter to make her own mistakes, without alienating her daughter. Sounds like she might have to pick up the pieces, or at very least be there to support her through it. But for her daughter, dealing with what you apparently believe is an inevitable outcome (the breakdown of the marriage/ relationship), she'll have no trust in Mom to be that support if Mom doesn't stop trying to intervene.

Put it in a different perspective: what would Mom be doing if daughter was pregnant by him? Forcing her to a clinic to take care of the "problem"? You can't live your children's lives for them, you can't force a decision (except if you're hell-bent set on making sure that they don't do what you would like them to).

How is the daughter earning an income and can she afford to sponsor him? If she's not earning $18,212 (or a little more) then she'll need a co-sponsor. Most people use immediate family, so Mom could refuse to co-sponsor.

I suppose Mom could report the marriage to ICE, but what evidence does she have that he's only marrying her to stay in the US? These two people have been a couple and if they want to stay together, is it remotely possible that they are marrying because they want to give the relationship the opportunity to continue without lengthy, expensive separations? They are young, but why does this have to mean that it won't last?

Having said all that, who are we to comment really?

[Darnell 8,478]

Are you the Furious Mother ?

If so -

LOOK DOWN BELOW, at the bottom of this page. There's a contact for ICE. Give em a call, ask their advice on 'what to do'.

Good Luck ! (or something)

[Christi and Ian 24]

From personal experience: My mom HATED my first husband. So much so, that at one point, I stopped speaking to her. I moved to California, got pregnant and had a baby with my husband at the time, all without her knowledge. Finally, I thought I'd introduce my mom to my daughter, and if she was still horrible, then I figured I'd tried my best, and be done with her.

Well, luckily my mom was very happy to hear from me again, fell in love with her granddaughter at first site...and turns out she was right about my husband...

But children have to learn for themselves - and who knows, perhaps it will be a happy ending...?

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Mother Furious!

Daughter will soon marry allege boyfriend who talked her into marriage so he can stay in U.S. His student visa will soon expire. This is not true and sincere relationship. Both of legal age she 21 he’s 26. What can mother do? Report to USCIS?

Yeah, well...

I've got a couple of 'kids' who are in their 30's, a daughter in her late teens, and two new step kids also in their late teens. From my personal experience, all of that sound advice we fill our kids with while they're growing up doesn't begin to manifest itself into real adult wisdom until they are in their late 20's. I watched it happen with my two oldest kids, and I've watched it happen countless times with other people's kids. My oldest son could even recite verbatim advice I'd given him for years, but he didn't start actually following that advice until he was 28.

The bottom line is that you can give all the advice you want, and just pray that enough of it sticks so that they'll survive their "stupid" years without killing themselves or completely wrecking their lives. If you try to intervene in an aggressive way, they'll block you out and won't even ask for your advice anymore.

Getting married is serious business. I'm sure your daughter knows this much already. What she might NOT know is that sponsoring an immigrant is ALSO serious business. This is the angle you should approach her with. Vanessa&Tony mentioned the financial obligation of the affidavit of support. It's actually even more serious, potentially. If the immigrant husband never accrues 40 quarters of SSA work credits, and never becomes a US citizen, then she could be responsible for his support for the rest of his life, even after they are divorced. He could actually sue her for support based on that affidavit, and she would have to pay it. Honestly, this doesn't really happen very often, but you don't have to tell HER that.

Tell her you think she's making a mistake, but don't do anything aggressive to stop her. It will only backfire on you. If it becomes obvious you were right a few years from now, don't gloat and say "I told you so". Offer your sympathy. She'll be much more likely to listen to you in the future. It will also save you a ton of embarrassment in case it turns out you were wrong. Kids can easily forgive a parent who is human, but they don't easily forget when a parent tries to strangle them with apron strings that should have been cut years ago.

Just my two cents...

[EmVee 3]

Yeah... calling the Immigration cops on your kid is probably not the best way to get her to listen to, trust or respect you. She's 21 years old and she's entitled to marry whomever she decides to marry. You don't have to approve, you don't even have to like him, but you should probably respect your adult daughter's decision and not try to sabotage her life, because she'll choose him over you if you go down that road.

Like the others said, talk to her in a non-aggressive way about how much money and responsibility this visa is going to be. Maybe you guys could all sit down together and do some research online, find out how much everything is going to cost, where she's going to get the money from, if they need co-sponsors because of lack of funds, etc etc. You never know, they may decide to go a different route - i.e. K-1 or K-3, in order for him to be able to go home, save some money and get his affairs in order.

The worst thing to do is go on the offensive and push her away by being unreasonable and overbearing. You're worried about your daughter, which is understandable, but wouldn't that worry be a million times worse if she cuts you off and refuses to have anything to do with you??

[belinda63 2,981]

Love is blind and while it MIGHT be obvious to the mother that this man is using his daughter threatening her is not the way to approach this.

Explain the financial obligation she is incurring in a calm reassuring manner, something like "honey I am just concerned that you will be obligated for any public assistance he may receive for at least the next ten years if things don't work out" Like I said love is blind and of course she is not thinking of what will happen if the marriage doesn't work out. Explain that even if they divorce the daughter is still obligated financially to the man.

Better yet suggest they "take a break" from each other for a month or two and see if he suddenly finds another US citizen girl friend. This may reveal his true motives.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Mother Furious!

Daughter will soon marry allege boyfriend who talked her into marriage so he can stay in U.S. His student visa will soon expire. This is not true and sincere relationship. Both of legal age she 21 he’s 26. What can mother do? Report to USCIS?

Yes - the mother should report any violations of the law to the approriate authorities.

[Tricia599 2]

When I was 21, I could barely support myself (I became the queen of ramen noodle cuisine during my last years of undergrad), let alone another person. Does the daughter have the financial resources to satisfy the sponsor requirements and then the few thousand it will take to process the application? If she does, more power to her. If not, seems to me that the problem solves itself.

[Emmamama 2]

When I was 21, I could barely support myself (I became the queen of ramen noodle cuisine during my last years of undergrad), let alone another person. Does the daughter have the financial resources to satisfy the sponsor requirements and then the few thousand it will take to process the application? If she does, more power to her. If not, seems to me that the problem solves itself.

good point....if she can't meet the financial standards (125% above poverty line) then she will need a joint sponsor and if she can't get one then....well...no dice.

i agree too, 21 year old girls/women are just reaching the point of being a woman and leaving girlhood. (do you guys remember that cheesy britney spears song? i do, feel free to make fun of me.) your daughter just reached the age where she can legally drink and enter bars, clubs, etc. she is going to want to do what she wants.

[lucyrich 19]

Perhaps she can try talking to her daughter and explaining that she will be financially responsible for him, even if they divorce, for 40 quarters of work (10 years).

Actually, it's potentially much worse than that.

The I-864 terminates when one of the following happens

* Alien dies

* Sponsor dies

* Alien leaves the US permanently

* Alien becomes a US Citizen

* Alien accumulates 40 quarters of work credits for social security purposes

Note that, while married, the alien is credited with quarters of work earned by both spouses in the marriage. So if both are working and the marriage continues, the 40 quarters could be earned in as little as five years. But nobody cares so much about that "best case" scenario.

The worst case scenario is that the pair divorce and the alien stops working. He's within his right to do that. If he does that, then the sponsor is responsible for providing support at 125% of the poverty guidelines until one of the terminating conditions occur. And note that, barring murder or suicide, NONE of the terminating conditions are under the sponsor's control -- it's all up to the alien. This could become a lifetime financial obligation.

http://www.divorcesource.com/NY/ARTICLES/venzon4.html

http://www.ilw.com/articles/2006,0110-wheeler.shtm

http://jzmlaw.com/wordpress/2009/09/29/mar...vit-of-support/