Relationship Problems due to Language

[MargotDarko 0]

"Since I can't think of anything, here is a stupid example:

immediately in German really means 'right now' or in '5 seconds' whereas my fiancé tends to use it as 'in 10 minutes'"

We have exactly the same problem!

Granted we're both native English speakers.

But I blame the fact that he is a guy!

Some of these issues sound very familiar to me and my husband (and every other boyfriend I've had!)

Hehe. Yes, that is definitely a "guy speak" problem not an English problem. "Immediately" really means "right away" in English as well.

[panterchen 1]

:rofl:

Well, ok...I have never noticed that before with the German guys I know but might be a 'guys thing'.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

This is only vaguely on topic but I've developed a habit that turns out to be a detriment to my wife's English improvement. I've spent so much time adjusting and simplifying along with restructuring sentences to make it easier for her to understand me, that now that she really is ready to improve rapidly, I find it hard to just use plain English with her. It's no problem with my step-daughter, but my wife and I sort of have our own "Manglish". What was a tool, is now detriment. Be careful.

I know what you mean pshbrk about the "Manglish"...I use "Turklish" with mine and only because he now knows the same words in English and because any words I use in Turkish now are much shorter than the English ones...easier and faster. I am determined to help him become fluent AND fluent in colloquial English as well...he can't help it because I talk in metaphor and joke ALL the time...he has already caught on anyhow...but we have a LONG way to go.

[shaggy_mutt 0]

my USC who speaks what he thinks is English.

Best line of the day on VJ!! Thanks for the laugh.

I used to live next to a "mixed" couple - he was Scottish and she was Irish! I. and B. used to crack me up with their Celtic English.

Me: Hey, I'll be out of town for a few weeks.

B.: Shall we nip over and pick up your post?

Me: ?

[in US English, 'nip' is something the dog does if he doesn't like you... and 'post' is a long piece of wood you would put in the ground, to put up a sign]

Me: Oh... You mean pick up the mail!

[rebeccajo 14]

i can see now how language might be a much larger barrier than i originally thought. being on this forum, you don't hear relationship problems a lot, but the nuances of dating someone from another country are certainly a big deal.

thank god i'm dating a canuck!

LOL.......

Does he not have an accent? No regional slang?

Couples who both speak English as their native language don't have the language barriers of most the folks in this thread, but my personal experience is that there are still communication barriers - and resultant misunderstandings. Mixed cultures are mixed cultures, after all.

After all this time, my husband and I still can't really talk from 'room to room' with each other - the accents are mutually too confusing unless we 'turn up the volume'. There are still loads of "what did you say" and "um.....what does that mean?"

And there are cultural nuances too. Example - I was really annoyed with Wes the other day because he could not easily find a clothes brush in the spot where I told him it was kept. He informed me that the clothes brushes he was used to seeing over there look nothing like the ones in our US home, so when he hears the words 'clothes brush' he doesn't think of the same thing I do.

[caybee 21]

This is only vaguely on topic but I've developed a habit that turns out to be a detriment to my wife's English improvement. I've spent so much time adjusting and simplifying along with restructuring sentences to make it easier for her to understand me, that now that she really is ready to improve rapidly, I find it hard to just use plain English with her. It's no problem with my step-daughter, but my wife and I sort of have our own "Manglish". What was a tool, is now detriment. Be careful.

This is such a good point. In addition, I found some of my husband's incorrect expressions endearing in the beginning and didn't always help him with correct pronunciation or usage when I should have. I'm not saying I should have jumped on every mispronunciation, but I could have done a better job of making sure I pronounced the word correctly myself by working it back into the same conversation. Letting him continue to pronounce "credit union" as "credit onion," for example, didn't do him any favors, as cute as I thought it was.

To the OP, you have a very valid concern. Some of our first little spats occurred because we couldn't get the little nuances across to each other. But if it's any encouragement, since my husband has been immersed in American English here, he has picked up a great deal, including many of those subtleties, and we pretty much get what the other is trying to say in most cases these days. And oh, the slang he brings home from work! But that's another subject. I'm not sure what you were quoting, but I have certainly known Americans with whom I could not express myself clearly because their language development had stopped at a functional level that allowed them to get by in society but didn't allow for more complex communication. But in those cases, there's unlikely to be much more improvement over time. On the other hand, your SO already speaks at least Darija, probably standard Arabic, French, maybe a little of a Berber dialect, and English well enough for you to communicate fairly well. His brain is already wired for learning languages. As long as you can communicate your needs and emotions (and practical things, of course) to each other well enough to navigate the process and hang in there during the wait before the visa and the adjustment period after his arrival (most of our misunderstandings happened during the first year he was here), he's likely to pick up those nuances bit by bit. That's been our experience, anyway. Sometimes we still do have to reword something to get the meaning across, but I think that's true for any couple. I don't feel like there's anything we can't express to each other these days if we try.

Good luck, and best wishes.

[merijan 0]

My husband learned to speak fleunt English from watching TV. He also finds learning languages He speaks six languages. The first time I spoke with him on the phone he spoke with a slight british type of accent. But even though he writes and speaks well there are still phrases, some words he asks me about.

Like he often uses him , her all mixed up. He may say her for a guy or him for a girl. He calls pillows couches, even though he knows what couches are. One time when we were talking on the phone he was refering to a feather in the conversation. Only he said it like this feeeder. I said what?? a feeder?? he said ya.. I said what?? he said you know a feeder like a bird has..I said ohhh f-eather... we still laugh.

So even when they learn English well there are still some words, sometimes pronounceing them, or even phrases they dont know. And another thing is he learned some English from British teachers, and lived in London for two years. So some slang we have they dont have.

I think if you have been communicateing all this time, you should be patient and realize it will get better over time once he gets here. Some how you have managed to get to know him so far.

[blondie2713 0]

Some people may think that not speaking the same language can cause some kind of barrier. I met my fiance and he did not speak one word of ENglish. He is slowly learning but it is difficult when living in a rural part of Mexico. I hardly spoke spanish but we have an amazing relationship and communication skills. Just becuase you have to explain something differently or simplify doesn't necessarily change its meaning. Sometimes I don't know the word in spanish so I say it in English and then try explaining in spanish. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. If you communicate on some level, that is better than most relationships I know, even if they both speak the same language.

[livelife 0]

if you really love the guy,learn his language...and for sure,he is trying his best to learn yours too...I am a filipina and my husband is trying to learn it little by little and i am trying to talk fluently in english though i am not used to it in our house in the Phil...both of you should adjust...

[Cham 3]

Here is my two cents:

I understand your fustration, but don't you think its being a little superficial to worry about his english?? I am sorry but the English language is one of the hardest to speak and you should be happy he is trying hard to speak it so he can be with you. Remember, it is not YOU who is leaving your homeland, your culture to be with him, it is HIM who is leaving everything to be with you. BE PATIENT and help him. Buy him learning tapes, watch tv, movies radio and when he does not understand it HELP HIM. You should also do the same and learn HIS language (if you got language tapes its not as hard as you think...practice practice practice. Put yourself in HIS shoes and think about how you would feel if he was impatient with you and you were leaving everything behind.

Best wishes

[Karri 0]

I'm so thankful that my Sam speaks English very fluently. Occasionally he'll slip on the grammar but I correct him instantly. He also corrects my spelling mistakes so we're a good team. We have gotten into arguments in the past where I said something and he interpreted it the wrong way or he said something and I interpreted it the wrong way but we always worked it out. I can't wait to learn Hindi when he comes here. Then we can shout romantic expressions across the apt and the neighbors will have no clue what we are saying.

Edited December 30, 2008 by Karri

[elkfarmer 4]

I married a Colombian lady that did not speak any English when we got married. Her father, mother, brothers and one son all spoke English. My wife can now speak some English after studying for a year off and on. We still just get on a computer and use Google traductor if we need to. If the love is there, it does not matter. Patience is a virtue. I was born without it, and am probably a typical American. We have now been married one year and I hope we are together by March. I know what you are going through.

[luckytxn 2,263]

Yeah I remember a year ago when my fiancee called me a old foolish elephant. I just took it as a good thing but after awhile I tried to picture a old foolish elephant and then did not seem too pleased.