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texascamelqueen

Relationship Problems due to Language

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Zambia
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I understand what you're saying here....language is huge in communication...but what a couple of others have said makes a lot of sense....if he's open to suggestion, tv is a good idea, or how 'bout english music? though english is taught in highschool and college in argentina, the only way my fiance picked up slang and idioms was through Guns 'n' Roses, Bon Jovi, and other music in english....due to his hugely inquisitive mind, he found all the lyrics on line, read them while listening to them, memorized phrases (as we all do when we love certain music) and when he arrived in the States for the first time, he grilled EVERY person he worked with (including me) as to the meaning of every phrase he didn't understand....of course your fiance isn't going to pick up the language and meanings only through talking to you a few times a week....and i don't blame him for not picking up english books and studying....I have a basic grasp of spanish but when my fiance asks if i've beend studying, i honestly say no....there's a lot to do in this life and reading a book in a foreign language in my own time is really hard to motivate myself to do (not doing it for a grade in a class!)...plus i know it won't help much with fluency if I'm not using the spanish... and since my fiance wants to keep his english fluent, he won't speak to me in spanish so i have no way to become more fluent surrounded by english speakers.....your fiance is probably in the same situation..you're his only practice!.....my fiance keeps up his english very well by seding emails and talking to me over the internet and continuing to listen to music and watch comedians with subtitles and always asking me his newest questions...but he knows and i know that the next step in his progress will be by 'immersion'....til then we have to be patient with our shortcomings, focus on what we love and know about one another.....and remember 'real' life isn't about TALKING every time you're together....I thought the comment of language being 20% of the communication was HUGELY true....I was with my fiance for the last three months and coming back and trying to 'spend time' together online or on the phone every day is sometimes like pulling teeth because all you CAN do is talk...and we don't always have tons of things to say!....when you're actually together, much of the communication come from the common activity taking place at the time....my fiance could be working on his computer and i could sit at the desk in the same room for hours, both of us in silence, but knowing we were in the same room communicated the fact that we wanted to be together.....you take a walk down the street holding hands and comment on things you see or things you'd like to do based on your common location...not every conversation we'll have with our SO's will require a deep knowledge of the intricacies of our language....but i know it's difficult to imagine that when currently we lack all these opportunities to communicate...the only thing common about our lives right now is a computer screen in front of us....remember the times you spent together, don't get too hung up on the language right now...if he's as bright as you say he is, he'll pick up english when he gets here and you two will also have your own special language of love that you'll share and aquire as you spend time and your lives together.....hang in there!

WOW! You all have very valid points and great ideas. The point about not always talking when you are actually together is SO true...there aren't always things to talk about. Also, I'll talk to him about watching movies with English subtitles--movies are much less overwhelming than a book for English-language learners. He is busy with life just like me. Thanks for that suggestion. The thought that I may feel it more now because we're separated--yes, you're right. It's different when we're together. And the complexities and colloquialism of the English language--goodness gracious--thanks for that reminder.

Anyway, so many points to ponder. I feel much better now and appreciate all your thoughts. I have been really stressed lately, and I think that with it being the holidays and all, with the spare time, it gets lonely without him, and I tend to start over-thinking things and worrying about little things over which I have no control. Yes, patience is a virtue, and my fiance has plenty to spare, as do I on a regular basis (I teach middle school, for goodness sake!). But we're human and sometimes need others to help put things into perspective.

Of one thing I am sure, though, Old Dominion, when it comes to language: It's not necessarily what you say, but how you say it. The people on VJ are supposed to help each other out, not put each other down. :thumbs:

Everyone, THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE FOR ME! :)

No put-down intended. The difficulty is with how you react to limitations of language. I think you have recognized this already.

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I was born in France to British parents, spoke english at home, attended english/ international schools and moved to Germany when I was 10. My SO is the USC.

My french I just 'absorbed' as a kid and reinforced as an adult, spending 7 months back in Paris, submersed in french language through work, tv, music and friends. I got to the stage I was dreaming in french and had trouble finding english vocabulary at times. My flatmate was also english, though learnt her french at school until she moved there at the same time and we ended up communicating in french for small talk, because it was easier! She stayed on, married a frenchman and emmigrated to Montreal. She still makes small grammatical mistakes but being surrounded by french for 13 years has kept her fluency up, whereas I now struggle with more mature conversations (debating politics, for example).

My german is appalling now that I've not spoken it for 12 years. I can still remember a fair bit, but I wouldn't choose to watch a movie dubbed into it and expect to not be distracted by the terminology. I'd understand it, but have to watch it twice for deeper following.

My english is, obviously, fluent as it's my mother tongue. My SO and I sometimes have difficulty with vocabulary, despite my being more proficient at american english than he is at english english. So much of language is situational too. As an example, he struggles still to really grasp quite what 'posh' truly means. LOL. And he hasn't a clue what brass monkeys have to do with our weather. I sometimes feel like I'm compromising myself if I choose to ask him to grab a cart at the grocery store, and help put the groceries in the trunk before we take the freeway home. But you know, does it really matter? I use words that he doesn't know, because I'm a wordy sort of person (EFL teacher and journalist for parents, what can I say!? lol) He equally gets frustrated when he refers to things that are part of the american cultural institution, and I just go 'huh?' The last example I can think of was the discussion about Pee Wee Herman. Never watched him growing up, but know about his 'scandalous' demise.

Believe me, your SO sounds like he won't have any problems picking up the venicular. An average 80% of all communication is through body language. Yes, you'll hate having moments where you're trying to tactfully express yourself on an emotional subject and realise he's just not getting what you're trying to say, but my point is that it's not only down to language, but also the individual. sometimes simple is the best way. You can't go wrong with "sorry" "i love you" "can we talk" and "i don't understand, but I want to".

You'll be fine, have confidence!

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K-1/K-2 NOA1 - POE: 9 February - 9 July 2010

Married: 17 July 2010

AOS mailed - Interview : 22 November 2010 - 10 March 2011

ROC mailed - approved: 14 February - 18 June 2013

Citizenship mailed - ceremony: 9 February - 7 June 2017

 

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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On our case most people would assume our language skills are very similar, me having learnt only English as my first (and embarassingly only) language in an overseas country and my USC who speaks what he thinks is English. This isn't so, we have daily interactions where more explanation is necessary due to the many slang and colloquialisms that Aussies use. I often have to explain why I have used a specific word, and my USC is well educated not "thick"  at all. 

We often have a lot of fun with our respective arguments about each others "correctness". 

As for being teachers and patient, perhaps the experience of standing in anothers shoes will really allow you to see it from a different perspective. Often in my travels I have noticed friends who have learnt English as a second language often seem more precise.

Once you are together, facial and other gestures will add to your repertoire of understanding one another, so it wont be as difficult as others have mentioned before me.

2004 K-1 Visa Service Center : Texas Service Center Consulate : Sydney, Australia Sep 22: I-129F Sent Approved in 89 days. Apr 4: Interview took 194 days from filing. Apr 13: LAX POE Date Marriage 5 July 2005

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2006 July 21 06 GREENCARD

2008 I751 Application sent Mar 10: Texas Service Center Mar 14: Check cashed

April 17: Infopass at Miami for 1 year extension stamp in passport due to no NOA

April 22: Biometrics - took 15 minutes April 22/23: Touched both days but no changes

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I agree, it is the patience that will be the biggest problem. I was a bit annoyed at first, but just kept on with with my jokes and everything else. Soon enough, my SO caught on to all my jokes and such without explaining. I just told him we would use English and little else and this has helped. In person, it IS much easier to be understood....thank goodness :lol:

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Canada
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i can see now how language might be a much larger barrier than i originally thought. being on this forum, you don't hear relationship problems a lot, but the nuances of dating someone from another country are certainly a big deal.

thank god i'm dating a canuck! :P

Edited by bogartnoir

AOS

05.17.10 - I-485/I-765 mailed

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06.25.10 - biometrics appt

07.02.10 - emailed that our case is moved to CSC!

07.14.10 - touched

07.21.10 - touched

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08.05.10 - uscis mailed out EAD

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01.05.11 - a ###### RFE over 6 ###### months after the fact

02.01.11 - touched

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DONE WITH USCIS FOR 2 YEARS!

(thank christ)

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Filed: Other Country: China
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This is only vaguely on topic but I've developed a habit that turns out to be a detriment to my wife's English improvement. I've spent so much time adjusting and simplifying along with restructuring sentences to make it easier for her to understand me, that now that she really is ready to improve rapidly, I find it hard to just use plain English with her. It's no problem with my step-daughter, but my wife and I sort of have our own "Manglish". What was a tool, is now detriment. Be careful.

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English is my second language too. It is easier for me to write/type English than to talk. When my husband and I fight, I just drop the call in msn and go offline because I know I can't express myself anymore (in english) when I am mad or sometimes i end up crying and that ends the arguments LOL. It is not easy for me to speak english all the time, sometimes I feel the stress after talking to my husband all day (take note he's a very talkative person) LOL Well I am glad my husband is showing some effort to learn my language too.

I know it is hard for you to freely communicate with your husband, but remember it is as much hard on his part too to speak your language. If you get tired of simplifying things for him...just use the "body language" I bet he'll get it right away! LOL Just kidding.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Isle of Man
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English is my second language too. It is easier for me to write/type English than to talk. When my husband and I fight, I just drop the call in msn and go offline because I know I can't express myself anymore (in english) when I am mad or sometimes i end up crying and that ends the arguments LOL. It is not easy for me to speak english all the time, sometimes I feel the stress after talking to my husband all day (take note he's a very talkative person) LOL Well I am glad my husband is showing some effort to learn my language too.

I know it is hard for you to freely communicate with your husband, but remember it is as much hard on his part too to speak your language. If you get tired of simplifying things for him...just use the "body language" I bet he'll get it right away! LOL Just kidding.

Your English seems pretty good to me. I'd be lucky if my fiancée was at your level in 2-3 years.

India, gun buyback and steamroll.

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I am still struggling with Claudeth. Filipinos just don't seem to ever answer a yes or no question directly. She says, yes, maybe, but not so much. Ugh :unsure:

hhmm....i've heard this kind of comments before to filipinas but no offense, i beg to differ. My fiancee commented that its refreshing for him to encounter a woman who knows what she wants and outright says what she wants...(yes or no).well, i think it has something to do with me being a hillbilly girl-growing up in the coutryside and grew/lived life the hardway. :whistle: i hope things will improve in the future and u get a firm YES or NO answer from her, just be patient-she'll come around it. :thumbs: Bless us all :star:

K1 Visa

01-31-2009 I-129F to USCIS-CSC

02-19-2009 NOA1

03-24-2009 NOA2

06-21-2009 Medical(The Polyclinic, Dubai UAE)

06-28-2009 Interview @ USE AD (approved)

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07-07-2009 went to pick up my visa (ready 2 fly)

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09-11-2009 POE-SFO(no questions asked,just a reminder 2 get marry within 90 days)

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09-28-2009 applied for SSN at Sac., Ca(no hassle)

10-05-2009 received SSN card on mail

11-04-2009 applied for marriage license @ Sacramento County, Ca

11-18-2009 married (marriage certificate on hand-same day)

11-25-2009 I-693 signed by CS(MMR-$70, Vericella-$70, I-693 Form- $15)

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12-28-2009 recvd by USCIS

01-04-2010 check cashed by USCIS

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**alls well @ Biometrics-less than 20 mins.

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04-06-2010 AOS interview, APPROVED! Bye USCIS til 2012- Sac, CA

04-15-2010 GC Welcome letter received fr mail

04-16-2010 GC recvd on the mail (Yiihaa!!!)

=

03-08-2012 ROC I-751 mailed to CSC via USPS Priority Mail

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"Thank you to God and to VJ"

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As far as english is concern, id say i wouldn't have problem in conveying my thoughts thru writing and ...uhh....well..speaking too but the problem lies on my asian accent. Ops! Not so much of a problem because its hasn't brought us huge misunderstanding.....except on what has been mentioned here about the american jokes with a slang twist - :lol: he would get "duh" reaction from me when he was trying to be funny :bonk: ...however, enable for me to get around US and be living it more homely, iam ready to learn to pick up the trade so to speak- if it would mean a better place to live and be accepted in my future new home. I would definitely go my way to improve my skills -english speaking ability if thats what it takes to live peacefully in my fiancee' s country. No trading him over language barrier :no: lol :no:

K1 Visa

01-31-2009 I-129F to USCIS-CSC

02-19-2009 NOA1

03-24-2009 NOA2

06-21-2009 Medical(The Polyclinic, Dubai UAE)

06-28-2009 Interview @ USE AD (approved)

07-01-2009 Visa ready for pick up @ USE AD

07-07-2009 went to pick up my visa (ready 2 fly)

=

09-11-2009 POE-SFO(no questions asked,just a reminder 2 get marry within 90 days)

=

09-28-2009 applied for SSN at Sac., Ca(no hassle)

10-05-2009 received SSN card on mail

11-04-2009 applied for marriage license @ Sacramento County, Ca

11-18-2009 married (marriage certificate on hand-same day)

11-25-2009 I-693 signed by CS(MMR-$70, Vericella-$70, I-693 Form- $15)

=

12-23-2009 mailed AOS to USCIS, Chicago Lockbox (FedEx)

12-28-2009 recvd by USCIS

01-04-2010 check cashed by USCIS

01-08-2010 received NOA1 (I-797C) for I-485, I-765 and I-131

01-11-2010 recvd ASC Appointment Notice for Biometrics

01-25-2010 Biometrics Appointment- West Sac, CA

**alls well @ Biometrics-less than 20 mins.

03-04-2010 recvd notice for AOS interview date

03-04-2010 EAD card production ordered (online notice)

03-08-2010 AP (I-512L) approved-recvd in mail (dated 3/2/10)

03-11-2010 EAD recvd on mail

04-06-2010 AOS interview, APPROVED! Bye USCIS til 2012- Sac, CA

04-15-2010 GC Welcome letter received fr mail

04-16-2010 GC recvd on the mail (Yiihaa!!!)

=

03-08-2012 ROC I-751 mailed to CSC via USPS Priority Mail

03-12-2012 ROC recvd by CSC

03-12-2012 NOA1 (revd on mail 03/19/12)

03-15-2012 ROC check cashed

"Thank you to God and to VJ"

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Filed: Timeline

texascamelqueen, North Africans (Magrebian particularly) are very good at picking up languages. It's true that once he is exposed to an English-speaking environment things will improve drastically. Speaking from experience, when I met my husband he would be lost at times in the middle of our conversations...and I am not referring to slang or any form of cultural expressions/jokes, but fairly basic English. After a few years my husband and I speak on a very high level with no problems with the exception of a word here and there. However, even in our own native languages we are constantly learning new words, too! Look at the positive points of your relationship. Currently your SO's level of English is not as you wish it to be, but surely there are a lot of other things that have benefitted your life by marrying him (like you becoming familiar with another culture). Communication is one of the most (if not THE MOST) important thing in any type of relationship, but lack of it can happen even with two people that are fluent in a same langauge. In all relationships there are times where patience is a virtual, and I think you will find that your conversations will be on a more equal footing if you give it some time.

Edited by Zahra23
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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Morocco
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Be sure to do the chats and keep them, this shows some of the understanding also be sure that he can re read them back to the interviewer as one recently was asked to do this. At the interview he can request it to be done in another language but to show them english would be best. My husband has very good english but still of course the OFF words, slang, jokes etc he doesnt get the meaning, they translate word for word ha and sometimes it doesnt work the same. Take this time and just talk talk talk you would be surprised how he will improve if he types a word and it just doesnt fit tell him, they want to learn, just say here we would say ......I was telling ahmed something yesterday and he came up with I GOT YA he said there you say this when you understand something i said yes, he said i heard this in a movie. ha so he was letting me know he understood what i was explaining to him

TIMELINE

04/04/2007 K1 Interview from H...w/the devil herself

06/12/2007 Rec'd Notification Case Now Back In Calif. only to expire

-------------

11/20/2007 Married in Morocco

02/23/2008 Mailed CR1 application today

03/08/2008 NOA1 Notice Recd (notice date 3/4/08)

08/26/2008 File transfered fr Vermont to Calif

10/14/2008 APPROVALLLLLLLLLLLL

10/20/2008 Recd hard copy NOA2

10/20/2008 NVC Recd case

11/21/2008 CASE COMPLETE

01/15/2009 INTERVIEW

01/16/2009 VISA IN HAND

01/31/2009 ARRIVED OKC

BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, BECAUSE THOSE WHO MIND DONT MATTER AND THOSE WHO MATTER DONT MIND

YOU CANT CHANGE THE PAST BUT YOU CAN RUIN THE PRESENT BY WORRYING OVER THE FUTURE

TRIP.... OVER LOVE, AND YOU CAN GET UP

FALL.... IN LOVE, AND YOU FALL FOREVER

I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, JUST NOT THE ABILITY

LIKE THE MEASLES, LOVE IS MOST DANGEROUS WHEN IT COMES LATER IN LIFE

LIFE IS NOT THE WAY ITS SUPPOSED TO BE, ITS THE WAY IT IS

I MAY NOT BE WHERE I WANT TO BE BUT IM SURE NOT WHERE I WAS

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Even though your SO might speak a language almost perfectly, words don't always translate the same in different cultures as cultures have different underlying feelings and assumptions attached to the exact same words.

Even though my English is close to perfect as I studied for more than 5 years in English only, lived in the US before and always used to love translating English pop music into my native language, my SO and I sometimes still have communication issues which are based on the fact that I attach different meanings to what I am saying even though we both speak English :whistle:

Since I can't think of anything, here is a stupid example:

immediately in German really means 'right now' or in '5 seconds' whereas my fiancé tends to use it as 'in 10 minutes' :blink:

Also language is often influenced by what stars, politicians or whoever said and so phrases might be used constantly that lose its meaning if translated to a different language.

By now, I am glad my SO knows which words I do know and which I don't. He is very patient in explaining all of them to me over and over again since I tend to forget a lot. And we kind of developed our own language together mixing English, French (which we both have a good knowledge of) and German. He just started to learn German but I am proud that he even tries. To my understanding, English is the easiest to learn as grammar is a lot easier than in many other languages. So I wonder how he will do with German but I am confident. :innocent:

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Filed: Other Country: China
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Even though your SO might speak a language almost perfectly, words don't always translate the same in different cultures as cultures have different underlying feelings and assumptions attached to the exact same words.

Even though my English is close to perfect as I studied for more than 5 years in English only, lived in the US before and always used to love translating English pop music into my native language, my SO and I sometimes still have communication issues which are based on the fact that I attach different meanings to what I am saying even though we both speak English :whistle:

Since I can't think of anything, here is a stupid example:

immediately in German really means 'right now' or in '5 seconds' whereas my fiancé tends to use it as 'in 10 minutes' :blink:

Also language is often influenced by what stars, politicians or whoever said and so phrases might be used constantly that lose its meaning if translated to a different language.

By now, I am glad my SO knows which words I do know and which I don't. He is very patient in explaining all of them to me over and over again since I tend to forget a lot. And we kind of developed our own language together mixing English, French (which we both have a good knowledge of) and German. He just started to learn German but I am proud that he even tries. To my understanding, English is the easiest to learn as grammar is a lot easier than in many other languages. So I wonder how he will do with German but I am confident. :innocent:

"Soon" is a word my wife tends to have big problems with, because it can mean from seconds to months, or even years, depending on the context, as in, "Soon supper is ready." "Soon it will be January." and "Soon I will retire."

Facts are cheap...knowing how to use them is precious...
Understanding the big picture is priceless. Anonymous

Google Who is Pushbrk?

A Warning to Green Card Holders About Voting

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Ireland
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"Since I can't think of anything, here is a stupid example:

immediately in German really means 'right now' or in '5 seconds' whereas my fiancé tends to use it as 'in 10 minutes'"

We have exactly the same problem!

Granted we're both native English speakers.

But I blame the fact that he is a guy!

Some of these issues sound very familiar to me and my husband (and every other boyfriend I've had!)

K-1 Application

================

2nd October 2007 - I-129F sent to CSC

10th October 2007 - NOA1 issued

31st January 2008 - NOA2 issued

22nd May 2008 - Interview date

18th July 2008 - US here I come

22nd August 2008 - Wedding date

AOS

================

15th September 2008 - AOS Pack (I485, I131, I765) Sent

22nd September 2008 - NOA1 x 3 Received

6th October 2008 - Transferred to CSC

17th October 2008 - Biometrics

5th December 2008 - EAD & AP approved

20th February 2008 - GC approved

I-751

================

1st December 2010 - I-751 Sent (CSC)

3rd December 2010 - I-751 Received

7th December 2010 - Cheque cashed

3rd January 2011 - Biometrics

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