Nervous about in-laws

[depressedgirl 3]

Looking for a bit of advice here, my wife and I are waiting on our visa for me to move to live with her in the USA from the UK. Whilst I'm generally looking forward to this there is one big worry - the in laws!

Whilst they're all polite to my face, my wife's family is very catholic, trump supporters and I personally find them a little racist, a little homophobic and a lot of their comments I find aren't what'd be acceptable at home in England. This has led to me starting to delete some of them on facebook so as to avoid looking at their nasty facebook statuses and avoid engaging with them in political debates because I really just think it's getting us no where but I'm aware that me disagreeing with them and thinking they're racist etc is probably making me unpopular. My wife is of the opinion that they are a bit racist and homophobic but they're her family and despite not agreeing with a lot of their views she loves them. I come from a family of non racist, non homophobic atheists who are usually on the same page for everything, I'm not really used to these sorts of people.

I haven't been in their family long but already I am the black sheep, do I stick to my guns and try to avoid them wherever possible once I move or should I bite my tongue when they make nasty remarks about mexicans or gays or whatever else it happens to be that day? Any thoughts welcome.

[carolynhotstuff 252]

There are 50 states here and you should ask your wife if she would like to relocate so you can develop your marriage without her family being around. That is one option. I don't discuss politics or religion with anyone but my husband. Those are very hot topics and people get angry real fast when you don't agree with them.

[Jasmine&Roni 33]

While your views and opinions might not be the same as her family's, I would take the higher road and bite your tongue. If they're saying these things and it makes you uncomfortable try changing the conversation or possibly say it makes you uncomfortable. Getting into politics is a slippery slope even with family. Be respectful with them since after all they are your family now too. Hopefully that respect will be given back. Good luck

Edited June 24, 2016 by woobie94

[at long last 58]

While your views and opinions might not be the same as her family's, I would take the higher road and bite your tongue. If they're saying these things and it makes you uncomfortable try changing the conversation or possibly say it makes you uncomfortable. Getting into politics is a slippery slope even with family. Be respectful with them since after all they are your family now too. Hopefully that respect will be given back. Good luck

I totally agree with this. I am atheist and very open minded about things. BUT I NEVER TALK RELIGION OR POLITICS WITH ANY LARGE GROUPS....EVER... I bite my tongue and then my husband and I rant about it after when we are alone...

[Unlockable 7,306]

Are you going to be living close to her family? Or even worse.... WITH them?

Whatever comments you see them post on Facebook is multiplied under their own roof.

[depressedgirl 3]

No thank goodness, we will have bought a house by the time my visa ever gets remotely sorted! Not that they haven't offered - like I say, to my face they're very nice. In America is not discussing religion or politics a big thing?

[Jasmine&Roni 33]

No thank goodness, we will have bought a house by the time my visa ever gets remotely sorted! Not that they haven't offered - like I say, to my face they're very nice. In America is not discussing religion or politics a big thing?

Well it depends who you're talking with but most people don't openly discuss it. That's what I've experienced anyway. You just can't be sure what someone's views are unless they've told you before so people often don't speak about them to avoid offending anyone. Religion/political views are usually something you don't ask someone out of respect. Of course it depends on the individual person

[Unlockable 7,306]

They are just highly sensitive topics that can lead to some uncomfortable situations. Some people have very strong opinions of them and if you do not share those opinions they may take it as a threat to their beliefs.

Keep this in mind. If there are any topics that are at risk to escalate quickly, Politics and Religion would be at the top of the list.

Edited June 24, 2016 by NuestraUnion

[Deagle 494]

Some people it's totally pointless to discuss politics or religion with them because they simply WANT to believe what they want, even if what you are saying it true, they DONT want to believe, it's their choice. Just exactly as you have your views everyone else have their own. If they are nice to you in your face then be nice to them in their face too. Keep it cool.

[NikLR 13,220]

It can be a very big thing or not a thing at all. There are so many people, ethnic groups,religions, that it can be hard to avoid the subject but you can choose to. I grew up not discussing religion and politics because my mother told me they are personal. I enjoy a good theological discussion and a healthy conversation about politics, but in general stay away from the topic not with close friends or family. I especially wont discuss it with my husband's family because they're from the bible belt. Down there they often grow up believing racist things are okay to say (freedom of speech... *cough BS*) I've called my husband out on it enough that even he had a conversation with his best friend about his use of language.

If things get to that subject maybe your spouse can step in, at least in your home, and say we don't discuss politics etc here thanks. Its better that she deals with her family than you. I would only suggest intervening if theyre being mean to her.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

While i am a huge family supporter i also hate people that wanna ruin relationships. my mom wouldnt hate on my fiancee religion out of respect...

My mom is first because when relationships go down the tubes she has always been here men come and go but moms always here.

That being said mom cant give me what my partner can. I respect both relationships for what they are. They both give me what i need and when one fails i expect support from the other. Like a well greased engine you need all

Functional parts.

I live in my own home. Mom near by. I respect her relationship she respects mine i expect her approval on my partner but with respect for my choices.....

If my mom she tries to love my partner if he is no good for me she tells me and i like to seek her approval but when it wrong i stand up to her BUT QUIET FRANKLY the womans never wrong

I know none of this is your case lol i would move far if they dont respect you relationship a mother will always take back her babies if shes a real mom OR set bounderies of the bat.

This seems like a bad situation they shouldnt hate on FB you can on follow but keep them there so they dont get offended...

Edited June 24, 2016 by Anitafeliz

[Wooderz 314]

I'm from Texas and husband is from London so I get it.

We just don't discuss this stuff with my family. If they want to talk about Ted Cruz or trump, husband and I just sit quietly until the subject is changed. We don't agree with a lot of my extended family's beliefs.

It's easier and more peaceful to just ignore it and talk about how nuts they are when we're alone later.

It may be your nature to stand up for what you believe in so saying nothing seems wrong to you. But chances are so so slim that you'll change any of their minds. You'll just end up alienating yourself.

Just my 2 cents on what works for my family.

[Marc_us82 49]

Looking for a bit of advice here, my wife and I are waiting on our visa for me to move to live with her in the USA from the UK. Whilst I'm generally looking forward to this there is one big worry - the in laws!

Whilst they're all polite to my face, my wife's family is very catholic, trump supporters and I personally find them a little racist, a little homophobic and a lot of their comments I find aren't what'd be acceptable at home in England. This has led to me starting to delete some of them on facebook so as to avoid looking at their nasty facebook statuses and avoid engaging with them in political debates because I really just think it's getting us no where but I'm aware that me disagreeing with them and thinking they're racist etc is probably making me unpopular. My wife is of the opinion that they are a bit racist and homophobic but they're her family and despite not agreeing with a lot of their views she loves them. I come from a family of non racist, non homophobic atheists who are usually on the same page for everything, I'm not really used to these sorts of people.

I haven't been in their family long but already I am the black sheep, do I stick to my guns and try to avoid them wherever possible once I move or should I bite my tongue when they make nasty remarks about mexicans or gays or whatever else it happens to be that day? Any thoughts welcome.

I'd cut them loose so quick! Family or not, it is NEVER OK to be racist or homophobic. Here is the good news, you are marrying their daughter, not the family, so you can choose not to spend time with them AT ALL. Quite frankly I can't even stand to be in the same room with any bigots. Life is too short to put up with people who has no place in your life. JMHO.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Just limit your interactions and bite your tongue. You are probably like me, when it stinks and the person is annoying, I might just say something but one thing I have learned to do is to be watchful around the family of my spouse. One spat with a single one of them can result in a coup d'etat on your marriage.

You are here to love your wife and build a strong family with her. Her family's actions will be a good learning experience of "what not to do" for you in the long run. When anything the say or do begin to get on your nerves, think about your spouse and how uncomfortable it is for her. You can keep them as friends on fcbk but you should follow them.

Don't cut ties with them but reduce the interactions.

And enjoy your new family...

[lmihler 23]

Some are saying that you should limit your interactions- which is all fine and dandy but that puts pressure on your wife to distance herself from her family.

My husband's family are very conservative and I am very liberal. I don't feel like the black sheep just because I am different. So don't distance yourself from them just because you believe in different things. I usually don't engage unless they ask specific questions (usually about Canada's healthcare, etc.)

I have stopped the family from using the word "retarded". I work in the IDD field so that's what I tell them. Once you get there, you will know which family members you can have conversations with and which ones you do not. Luckily, my in mother-in-law admitted to voting for Obama so she is a "secret democrat" so I have learned talking with her is different than if we are with the extended family.