Husband charged with domestic abuse breaks restraining order

[Transborderwife 4,666]

4 minutes ago, JFH said:

I'm thinking the same thing. Also for a misdemeanor domestic battery in California (I think that's what the OP means by domestic abuse) there doesn't even need to be an injury. It could be just using the palm of your hand to push someone away during an argument. You don't even need to touch their skin for a misdemeanor battery charge - it can be their clothes. I am in no way excusing or condoning his behavior but it does seem it may not be serious enough for deportation. If that's the case I'm wondering if there's any chance OP and her husband can work things out for the sake of the child? At least put something in place that will enable the child to have her father in her life. 

 

One thing that struck me in all this - and I see similar phrases and sentiments in many threads on this subject - is how the USC often feels because they went through a lot of paperwork and expense to bring a spouse into the country that the marriage should be a success - even to the point where some of them feel that the alien spouse is in some way indebted to them and the marriage is not allowed to fail. 50% of all marriages fail these days. Immigrants don't come with a guarantee of any kind - we are just as human as USCs. The embassies don't test us on our suitability to be lifelong marriage partners. Marrying anyone - from the boy next door to someone from thousands of miles away - always carries a risk of failure. Especially when you marry someone you barely know. 

Absolutely.  Especially when children are involved all aspects should be carefully considered.

[Auds 223]

Devil's advocate maybe - but could it be the strains of a new country, new relationship, baby..  

 

Also as JFH pointed i too heard the same in your post that you tried to 'give' him citizenship.  Quality counselling. Space and time apart may help.

 

there seems to be some honour about him - he's pleaded guilty, he gives himself in.

 

as for mental illness likely but most of us have them.  Trigerred by different factors.

 

good wishes and i hope you guys can stay apart and get together eventually if it works well.  Just from all your posts i can see a tendency of being an enabler in this abuse ( i was and still am to a degree so i know).   

 

Hugs, chin up and keep strong.

 

 

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

6 minutes ago, Auds said:

Devil's advocate maybe - but could it be the strains of a new country, new relationship, baby..  

 

Also as JFH pointed i too heard the same in your post that you tried to 'give' him citizenship.  Quality counselling. Space and time apart may help.

 

there seems to be some honour about him - he's pleaded guilty, he gives himself in.

 

as for mental illness likely but most of us have them.  Trigerred by different factors.

 

good wishes and i hope you guys can stay apart and get together eventually if it works well.  Just from all your posts i can see a tendency of being an enabler in this abuse ( i was and still am to a degree so i know).   

 

Hugs, chin up and keep strong.

 

 

I totally agree with you..

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

I am not excusing whatever he did but sometimes we are the architect of our own misery. OP didn't mention exactly what happened. It is uncommon for a victim to just mention the charge and not elaborate on the incident..like, he slapped me, he kicked me, etc but instead OP only mentioned the charge. As some have stated here, some charges don't require much. In some states, it doesn't take much to get a restraining order while others require more proof.

When he broke the restraining order and came home, did he attack you?

 Looks like the guy needs some psychological help cos he seem to be breaking down.

OP should also get some help. We sometimes poke people until they snap, then scream and act surprised when they react.

I hope, OP takes time to listen and understand what is going on with her husband.

Since a child is involved, if he is a good father to that child then don't take it away from her.

You are already asking about deportation and [I gave him citizenship] which seems to me like you have been using that as your leverage over him.

He maybe a good guy or maybe not, only you know him better. But look at your own contributory actions to his behavior also.

Your daughter needs her dad and you can't fill that role. 

Nonetheless, y'all should get some counseling from a neutral person.

[Xosorry 2]

3 hours ago, IcezMan_IcezLady said:

I totally agree with you..

He beat my face in. He was charged with a felony, but plead guilty to a misdemeanor so he could be released from jail. When I tried to drop off the baby for custody time he held me hostage. He only ever bought the baby formula and diapers twice. He tells me things like "why can't you just ###### die you piece of ?" That all said, I do very much love him. But I think until he receives mental help, we need no contact and he needs to go home and get his head on straight. The comments about getting back together are painful to read. 

[Cathi 5,610]

36 minutes ago, Xosorry said:

He beat my face in. He was charged with a felony, but plead guilty to a misdemeanor so he could be released from jail. When I tried to drop off the baby for custody time he held me hostage. He only ever bought the baby formula and diapers twice. He tells me things like "why can't you just ###### die you piece of ?" That all said, I do very much love him. But I think until he receives mental help, we need no contact and he needs to go home and get his head on straight. The comments about getting back together are painful to read. 

My 2 cents. If my husband "beat my face in" there is no way on God's green Earth that I would allow this man near me or my child ever again. I understand that you love him and did a lot to get him here but there is no excuse for what he did and he doesn't deserve another chance. 

[RO_AH 1,615]

Sanctuary city only means that the city will not assist the federal government on immigration efforts. There is nothing saying that you can't report him. The fact that he broke the restraining order even after he was told he could be deported worries me. I think you need to make sure you get any kind of assistance you can including staying somewhere he can't find you. Good luck. 

[Xosorry 2]

7 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

Sanctuary city only means that the city will not assist the federal government on immigration efforts. There is nothing saying that you can't report him. The fact that he broke the restraining order even after he was told he could be deported worries me. I think you need to make sure you get any kind of assistance you can including staying somewhere he can't find you. Good luck. 

Thank you. I am receiving such conflicting messages on leaving him or not, but the truth is this was just the end of a very abusive cycle, a lot more damage was done. He is great with his words- he can fool everyone, he's fooled past court rooms. He fools me into thinking he will change, every time. I love him so much but he never changes. 

[myheart0628 30]

1 hour ago, Xosorry said:

He beat my face in. He was charged with a felony, but plead guilty to a misdemeanor so he could be released from jail. When I tried to drop off the baby for custody time he held me hostage. He only ever bought the baby formula and diapers twice. He tells me things like "why can't you just ###### die you piece of ?" That all said, I do very much love him. But I think until he receives mental help, we need no contact and he needs to go home and get his head on straight. The comments about getting back together are painful to read. 

Have you tried going to a family crisis center. The center is not just for people of limited funds, they have counseling and can direct you towards somone that will be able to help you and your family. It seems like you are experiencing a lot of emotions right now such as anger and hurt. 

Edited May 22, 2017 by myheart0628

[Xosorry 2]

19 minutes ago, Xosorry said:

Thank you. I am receiving such conflicting messages on leaving him or not, but the truth is this was just the end of a very abusive cycle, a lot more damage was done. He is great with his words- he can fool everyone, he's fooled past court rooms. He fools me into thinking he will change, every time. I love him so much but he never changes. 

I think part of the reason he broke it is he wants to be deported because he's self destructive and I think he finally reached a breaking point in jail. I wish I could ask him why he put himself right back in jail the day he got out. He was begging me to forgive him but he called the police on the way to tell them he was turning himself in. I just don't get it. You have a 1 year old. Why. 

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

1 hour ago, Xosorry said:

He beat my face in. He was charged with a felony, but plead guilty to a misdemeanor so he could be released from jail. When I tried to drop off the baby for custody time he held me hostage. He only ever bought the baby formula and diapers twice. He tells me things like "why can't you just ###### die you piece of ?" That all said, I do very much love him. But I think until he receives mental help, we need no contact and he needs to go home and get his head on straight. The comments about getting back together are painful to read. 

No one here would ask you to get back together but because you left details out of your initial posts, that's what others like myself drew out of your issue.

Your safety should be your top priority. His immigration status is no longer in your hands.

And I hope both of you get help. Not just him only.

[Xosorry 2]

1 minute ago, IcezMan_IcezLady said:

No one here would ask you to get back together but because you left details out of your initial posts, that's what others like myself drew out of your issue.

Your safety should be your top priority. His immigration status is no longer in your hands.

And I hope both of you get help. Not just him only.

Thank you. I do too. 

[JFH 12,189]

OK, I suggested that you perhaps try to work things out (that doesn't necessarily mean get back together - just come to an agreement that benefits the child) and that was based on the original post that claimed it was a misdemeanor for domestic battery. In California that *could* be as little as pushing someone's shoulder. Now we have the pertinent information and there was a corporal injury. However it was reduced to a misdemeanor (presumably under the clause that allows this based on the background of the case and/or the person's lack of previous criminal history). 

 

Are you wanting him to be removed from the country? I don't think you know what you want yet. Whether you want to have contact with him for the sake of the child or whether you want him out of the picture forever. Think long and hard about that. It will be very difficult for your child to grow up not knowing her father. 

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Most judges will allow some sort of supervised visits even for violent partners.  If you believe he wants to go home then let him.  If you're concerned for your safety I suggest a protective order

[David & Diana R 1,005]

14 hours ago, nightingalejules said:

Sanctuary city doesn't necessarily apply here.

A city being a sanctuary city doesn't mean that people under deportation proceedings will not be deported, it just means (usually) that city/state police will not detain a person if the only reason to hold them is that Immigration wants them.

This is not the case here. OP's hopefully soon to be ex-husband has committed arrestable offences, and is detainable because of them. Besides, violent offences have always been reason for deportation - one of the reasons for deportation, frankly, that pretty much everybody agrees with.

 

As for your heartache, Xosorry, I feel for you. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you were fooled by an abuser. It makes a person feel like they've been stupid and it makes them feel ashamed and weak, or like you've failed. You haven't. You're not a therapist or a psychiatrist or a miracle worker, and you can't fix him. You can only save yourself.

You are not weak, and you haven't failed. You are one of the strong ones who has stood up for yourself and your child's safety and emotional health. Many don't, and the abuse continues and often escalates. You are saving your child from growing up in a home where her dad abuses her mom, and/or abuses her. You were strong enough to prove that you (her model for the kind of relationship women deserve) deserve better. You need to be proud of that strength. You aren't your husband's caregiver or his savior. You are being those things for your daughter.

 

Not in Hawaii.  The only way anyone can be deported if they commit a crime of moral turpitude.  Unless the abuse was a felony and there was serious damage done to the victim or a weapon is used ICE won't get involved.  I have spoken to Homeland Security about this and they are not really going to get involved unless the abuse is a rather heinous in nature.   Sorry but that's just the way it is.  I would suggest you just provide the information to immigration officials and let them deal with it.  Move on...it's not worth your time to try to get him deported.  BTW:  Did you call the Police when he violated the TRO?  In Hawaii the Police put out an APB the minute a report of violation is alleged.