wife wants me to support her family

[Harmonia 211]

I have regularly supported my wife while we where apart. But after being here in the USA for 2 weeks she now wants me to keep sending money to support her family. My answer is you can get a job, help pay for your car and insurance and household share and if you want or have any left you can send it home. Her answer was i want to go with friend in another city to work, my answer ok is tomorrow to soon. How many of you have gone through this major cultural change with a spouse before.

Back it up..she's been here TWO WEEKS, and you want her to get a job and start working right away. Does she even have a work permit?

Regardless, talk about major culture shock. If I moved to a foreign country, I'd also feel homesick and want to see friends and do some traveling. And she is probably panicking somewhat, maybe feeling she abandoned her family, and she wants to support them.

Give it time.

[Harmonia 211]

What's amazing to me is that people get married before even "knowing" their partners. Things like family support should have been discussed long before any thoughts of marriage.

My husband and I speak the same language, yet we still have cultural conflicts at times because he isn't American. I can't really imagine marrying someone who (1) doesn't fluently speak my language (2) is from a very different culture (3) moved here to be with me and thus left their family.

I think it would be a big struggle, requiring a lot of time, patient, compromise, and understanding to overcome and be successful.

I say this not having been in a K1 situation, so maybe I'm wrong. I married my husband, who was already in the US, and his family are here too. So I didn't do a K1, nor did I bring my husband here from oversees.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Back it up..she's been here TWO WEEKS, and you want her to get a job and start working right away. Does she even have a work permit?

Regardless, talk about major culture shock. If I moved to a foreign country, I'd also feel homesick and want to see friends and do some traveling. And she is probably panicking somewhat, maybe feeling she abandoned her family, and she wants to support them.

Give it time.

It would be nice if you read through the whole thread before commenting.

everything was discussed before she came, I am living up to my end, sending her to english language school, driving school. But due to an on the job injury and surgery tomorrow on my shoulder we have to be careful and live on a tight budget. I have told her We only have so much budgeted for the above and if she want to use it to send home then the others go away. But she needs to be independent before i return to work in 3 to 6 months and after i can return to work then a used car for her. But she has to help pay for the car, insurance, gas, household stuff like everyone else. After all that if she wants she can send money home. She needs to stay on the plan we agreed to or none of it will happen.

[Boiler 43,881]

It would be nice if you read through the whole thread before commenting.

If that was a requirement half the posts on VJ would never be made.

[Harmonia 211]

It would be nice if you read through the whole thread before commenting.

My point is even more emphatic having now read and seen he lived in Thailand for 6 years, and they are already married.

After 6 years in a country, he didn't learn the culture? He must have lived with his spouse in Thailand. He paid a dowry. Did he never interact with his in-laws? They say you don't just marry a spouse, you marry the family. Never did it occur to him to discuss what support they'd be providing to the in-laws? You say you have a plan to support your household. The folks back home never came up in that plan?

I feel for the OP, having an injury. My husband was in a car accident several months ago. A 92 year old woman hit him, and he couldn't work for 15 weeks and was ineligible for unemployment due to being unable to work. Sh*t happens, and we were fortunate to have an emergency fund and sustain ourselves with my salary. I hope your injury improves, and my point is there will always be emergencies. The car breaks, the pipes burst in the house, the washing machine goes out. Any financial planning should involve an emergency fund, and I see that conversation as completely separate from sending remittances back to the old country.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Harmonia

[Merrytooth 5,748]

My point is even more emphatic having now read and seen he lived in Thailand for 6 years, and they are already married.

After 6 years in a country, he didn't learn the culture? He must have lived with his spouse in Thailand. He paid a dowry. Did he never interact with his in-laws? They say you don't just marry a spouse, you marry the family. Never did it occur to him to discuss what support they'd be providing to the in-laws? You say you have a plan to support your household. The folks back home never came up in that plan?

All your questions have already been answered by other members in the thread 2 days ago.

[brightfuture78 118]

I have regularly supported my wife while we where apart. But after being here in the USA for 2 weeks she now wants me to keep sending money to support her family. My answer is you can get a job, help pay for your car and insurance and household share and if you want or have any left you can send it home. Her answer was i want to go with friend in another city to work, my answer ok is tomorrow to soon. How many of you have gone through this major cultural change with a spouse before.

You were supporting her when you two were apart. If she was living with her family at that time, I'm pretty sure that in turn, she was using some of the money to support her family. Now, she's here and I take it you're no longer giving her the allowance you were previously sending. Sure, she personally no longer requires the money you were sending in order to live, but what about her family? Can they get by now that the money you were sending has completely stopped coming? Do you care?

Maybe you've taken the stance that the fate of her family is none of your concern, but clearly your wife is very concerned. It's partly her fault for getting them acclimated to the financial supplement and then not making sure that there was a contingency plan for them. However, I'd suggest that you weigh things out and determine what's most important. Would it hurt you financially to keep sending something to her (and by way of marriage, your) family for a little while longer while she's looking for a job? If so, I totally understand your choice to stick to your guns. You need to keep your own house in order first.

However, if you're refusing based simply on pride and principal, then I have to ask you: is it worth losing your wife over? Are you open to a compromise? Maybe you could agree to keep paying for their bare minimum basic needs. It may just help to curb your wife's anxieties by giving her the comfort of knowing her family would at least be able to keep a roof over their heads and not starve. It seems to me that she's so worried about their immediate well-being that she's willing to move to another city with her friend if it sounds like a promising way to help her family as soon as possible.

It could be that your wife is under a lot of pressure right now. If you love and care about her, consider whether or not it's well within your power to do something to help alleviate her concerns.

[EmilyW 1,236]

And, by the same token, she ought to be doing the same and trying to make her marriage work.

[TBoneTX 43,550]

Maybe you could agree to keep paying for their bare minimum basic needs.

This is not the OP's job, nor that of any other Amcit.

The family obviously hadn't starved to death before he came on the scene.

If he never existed, they would have found a way to get by.

How arrogant is any individual (or culture) to feel entitled to leech from a "moneybags Amcit"?

If Mrs. T-B.-to-be had exhibited one iota of the above behavior during any stage of the process, including after marriage, her shapely hindquarters (with a footprint as a souvenir) would have been on the first one-way conveyance back to Ecu.

It would be nice if you read through the whole thread before commenting.

Thank you for this crucial reminder.

[brightfuture78 118]

This is not the OP's job, nor that of any other Amcit.

The family obviously hadn't starved to death before he came on the scene.

If he never existed, they would have found a way to get by.

How arrogant is any individual (or culture) to feel entitled to leech from a "moneybags Amcit"?

Didn't say it was his job. It also wouldn't be his job to help his own mother out if she was struggling with the mortgage (she'd find a way to survive). But even in American culture, he'd be looked down upon if he didn't help his parents who were living in poverty while he was comfortable. We take this for granted because we rarely find ourselves in such a situation. Since there is so much opportunity here, the "every man for himself" mentality is perfectly acceptable. If you have nothing for yourself, the general consensus is that you're not trying hard enough.

There tends to be a communication breakdown when one tries to convince a spouse who is from a culture of poverty to conform to this ideology. I'm just saying, from a different perspective, being able to help family out with relative ease but refusing to do so out of principal looks, well... harsh. I'm not saying he should empty his pockets to their every whim and support them forever, but it sounds like he knew from the get-go that being able to help the family was part of his wife's overall plan. It's just that he told her "do it yourself", which is why she's taking desperate measures to do just that. You can't marry someone who has an objective that you just can't support. It doesn't work.

Edited March 4, 2016 by brightfuture78

[Umka36 781]

Brightfuture78, you might want to read what the OP wrote on post #6:

"we did discus my obligations, english school. Driving school. and education needed to work, for her to help support our hose after she starts work and that I will not support her family, i paid my dowery so to me that part is over. her sisters and brothers can support them"

[Caryh 5,206]

Didn't say it was his job. It also wouldn't be his job to help his own mother out if she was struggling with the mortgage (she'd find a way to survive). But even in American culture, he'd be looked down upon if he didn't help his parents who were living in poverty while he was comfortable. We take this for granted because we rarely find ourselves in such a situation. Since there is so much opportunity here, the "every man for himself" mentality is perfectly acceptable. If you have nothing for yourself, the general consensus is that you're not trying hard enough.

There tends to be a communication breakdown when one tries to convince a spouse who is from a culture of poverty to conform to this ideology. I'm just saying, from a different perspective, being able to help family out with relative ease but refusing to do so out of principal looks, well... harsh. I'm not saying he should empty his pockets to their every whim and support them forever, but it sounds like he knew from the get-go that being able to help the family was part of his wife's overall plan. It's just that he told her "do it yourself", which is why she's taking desperate measures to do just that. You can't marry someone who has an objective that you just can't support. It doesn't work.

I know you know that once the money train starts flowing over seas, it will never end. How many Phil families have said you can stop sending now, we have enough? Its much more likely that more in the family will start moving in and sharing a piece of that money train so the amount is forced to grow, or mama will go hungry. Because of course mama is never going to tell her hungry children, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc... they must move on and support themselves. Sending money back home is a double edged sword. It may originally been sent to help just the parents in retirement, but it is extremely common for extended family members to show up wanting help too. I'm extremely glad my wife's family is not like this. They're a bit better off than the extended family, and they needed to learn before I even came around that you can't let everyone leech off of you, or you'll only get dragged down.

[brightfuture78 118]

I know you know that once the money train starts flowing over seas, it will never end. How many Phil families have said you can stop sending now, we have enough? Its much more likely that more in the family will start moving in and sharing a piece of that money train so the amount is forced to grow, or mama will go hungry. Because of course mama is never going to tell her hungry children, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc... they must move on and support themselves. Sending money back home is a double edged sword. It may originally been sent to help just the parents in retirement, but it is extremely common for extended family members to show up wanting help too. I'm extremely glad my wife's family is not like this. They're a bit better off than the extended family, and they needed to learn before I even came around that you can't let everyone leech off of you, or you'll only get dragged down.

If a foreign spouse from the Philippines (or Vietnam in his case) expresses that he/she intends to help the family, they don't mean for just a couple weeks or a month. I know that, you know that, and the OP knows that. They live in poverty, that's not likely going to change, and so common sense suggests that she intends to support them for the long haul. If he acknowledged her intentions, then he acknowledged that fact. If he still married her even though he didn't support or at least accept the notion, he set himself up for an inevitable conflict.

Nowhere in any of my comments did I say anything about an unlimited allowance from him to the family with no restrictions. I suggested a compromise where he might agree to helping with bare-minimum living expenses until she was able to get a job in the correct manner (to put her mind at ease if that's what's making her anxious), and standing firm on that figure. You're presenting a slippery-slope argument based on a sweeping generalization. You could be completely right about her family being the scheming type, but that's a whole different bridge to cross if/when he gets to it, and I'd have a completely different suggestion for how to resolve that.

My comments are focused on what he might be able to do to diffuse the implosion of his marriage right now. Of course, if it's a compromise he's not willing to make, then by all means, let her go. Every one of us has to weigh out what is worth the effort and where to draw the line for themselves. I'm simply trying to provide some input without bias towards one side or the other.

[khwaidee1 196]

Just an add on to my comment above. My wife got her first job a few weeks ago as a chef (her term) in a Thai restaurant. When she got her first paycheck she said that now she can send money from her job to her parents. That made me smile. I knew her expectations and obligations even before I asked her to marry six years ago. While the initial adjustment period was brutal, she came from a village of about 500, things just keep getting better and better.

[Penguin_ie 5,988]

****** Op has gotten plenty of good advice, and topic has started to deteriorate into generalisations, so it is now closed. Op is free to create a new topic if they need help on specific issues later. *****