How to deal with an EXTREMELY stubborn spouse?

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Are you not willing to bend yourself? It seems you are aligned with different poles, neither willing to shake their conviction. But marriage or any relationship means compromise in matters great and small, and communicating effectively as much as possible. If both are immoveable, there is deadlock, which is damaging to a healthy relationship

Are you not willing to compromise yourself? In the absence of any information relating to the content of the disagreement, it's not easy for us to give better counsel.

I know it's very hard to understand from an outsider's perspective especially with the little information I've given. I wish you've been in my shoes and could have seen first hand just how many compromises we have made for eachother to be together. We both fully understood before and currently in our marriage that we will both definitely be making compromises for the greater good of our future together.

Our big issue is not having a place to stay once he finally gets the visa. My "family" is unwilling to provide any help, not even extended. They will not even give him a chance to make an opinion on him. Funny, considering how warm and welcome his family was to me when I went to live there for two straight months. They became more my family than I have ever experienced in the 23 years I've been living with my "family". It is extremely toxic being here, and my mental state is deteriorating by the day. I am desperate to get out.

I worked my ### off to get a job making 30k a year (without any college degree, not even associate's) and I kept the job for the entire time it was needed. Mitigating circumstances forced me to quit the job. (It was quit or I would have been fired - very long story).

Cut to the chase -- I found an amazing opportunity for us. In exchange for helping a man with cerebral palsy with light duties, I would be provided a room in an apartment for free. The pay would come through a legitimate company (IHSS), and I would even have about $100 leftover each month. He also stated couples would be no problem. I even recently found a job about 10 minutes away (only waiting for the background check to clear to be hired which should be Mon or Tues).

When I first told my husband about the idea briefly he agreed.

Fast forward to Friday, I went to check out the apartment, met the man, and turned in my first ever rental application (I have been building credit with two cards for over 6 months, with excellent habits). The company told me they needed my new hire letter and my bank statement to qualify me (assuming the credit score would be adequate).

When I returned home on Friday to tell my husband about all the wonderful things I accomplished that day, he scoffed and told me he never agreed to it. Completely shut down, and told me to never speak about it again (He was fuming).

The next day, Saturday, he had cooled down and explained his fears about the situation to me. WHICH I SHUT DOWN, but he was still adamant and told me I could live there, but he would no longer be with me. I felt devasted, after everything I had done to make this a real possibility. I am still unsure what my next decision will be. I am still trying to convince him, because I cannot see anything wrong with the situation. It could be the thing we need.

[Lemonslice 4,569]

Gaslighting?

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Gaslighting?

Nice try, but no. He claimed he didn't understand what I meant when I first mentioned it. Which was over the phone, quick, and I did think he understood what I meant. But it is very possible that he didn't. Care to get more facts or you wanna stick with that?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Honestly with both of you being so hard-headed, it is unlikely to work out. I suspect because you are young and this is your first marriage that you didn't see all the warning signs that you should not be married. Neither of you will bend to the other's will, you have difficulty communicating, and the situation is likely to get more tense with time. I wouldn't even be surprised if it became physical.

[sandinista! 1,816]

So if the housing and employment option you found is unconscionable by his (not atypical for a more conservative minded person from MENA) standards, is he providing shelter, food, clothing, and all of your other daily needs and expenses?

[Anh map 2,098]

Cultural differences are real. So you best be prepared for that. (Am I being mean and spiteful?).

Perhaps as you live together there will be a reduction in the culture clashes and/or differences of opinion that you are experiencing. Provided that you both are willing to accomodate each other. For example, if one of you has a very traditional view of marital roles and the other does not, it could be problematic. As much as people want to believe that their spouse/significant other can be changed, it just isn't true. People don't change behaviors unless they want to. If he shuts you down now why do you believe he will behave differently in the future? Will you change your behaviors to accomodate him? Or are you not willing to "bend" on things?

This is one of the big reasons that marriages (of any sort) don't succeed. When love is in the air and we see everything through the pink glasses we can't imagine the other not wanting to do whatever is needed to keep the joyousness rolling on. Fast forward a while, and the mundane aspects of life can be the seeds of significant obstacles. The cute quirks become annoying habits. Resentment builds and communication drops off.

If you've lived in his world then you ought to have a good understanding of what's important / expected / tradition and how he sees it. He's moving to your world will need time and guidance to adjust. And if there is a language barrier, that can at times lead to strained feelings and misunderstandings. Recognize the present shortcomings and discuss them now. Don't wait for the pressure of the big move to bring up these things. As you've experienced already, his anxiety about the move brings unexpected responses. Hurt feelings follow, and you both feel bad.

Living arrangements can be stressful. And what you've found as a part time caregiver is probably a very new concept to him. It would be better for you to have a place where you can have your own space to work out the mixing of two cultures.

[Boiler 43,597]

This is a gender issue.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

So if the housing and employment option you found is unconscionable by his (not atypical for a more conservative minded person from MENA) standards, is he providing shelter, food, clothing, and all of your other daily needs and expenses?

Nope, not at all. He can't. For basically the same reasons why I can't be Mrs. Rich. We both only have highschool completion (I have a little bit of community college but nothing to furnish a degree, however I do plan on going back). He has told me in order to get a nice paying job in his country, he would need a degree. Everything else is paid in cash or under the table. He does work currently, but the wages only provide enough for him to upkeep his cigarette and coffee addiction (convenient?). While I have been the money-maker. He fully intends to work as much as possible to "pay me back" when he gets here. Which I do believe.

This is a gender issue.

Stemming from cultural roles?

I think the situation has many more aspects which make an influence other than just gender. That's way too black and white.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Honestly with both of you being so hard-headed, it is unlikely to work out. I suspect because you are young and this is your first marriage that you didn't see all the warning signs that you should not be married. Neither of you will bend to the other's will, you have difficulty communicating, and the situation is likely to get more tense with time. I wouldn't even be surprised if it became physical.

I would love if you could detail these "warning signs" that you know oh so much about. So by your standards, two young, stubborn people should be forbidden to marry? It's a surefire road to divorce? We should just pack up and say, well, everything previous to this, let's just give up!

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Cultural differences are real. So you best be prepared for that. (Am I being mean and spiteful?).

Perhaps as you live together there will be a reduction in the culture clashes and/or differences of opinion that you are experiencing. Provided that you both are willing to accomodate each other. For example, if one of you has a very traditional view of marital roles and the other does not, it could be problematic. As much as people want to believe that their spouse/significant other can be changed, it just isn't true. People don't change behaviors unless they want to. If he shuts you down now why do you believe he will behave differently in the future? Will you change your behaviors to accomodate him? Or are you not willing to "bend" on things?

This is one of the big reasons that marriages (of any sort) don't succeed. When love is in the air and we see everything through the pink glasses we can't imagine the other not wanting to do whatever is needed to keep the joyousness rolling on. Fast forward a while, and the mundane aspects of life can be the seeds of significant obstacles. The cute quirks become annoying habits. Resentment builds and communication drops off.

If you've lived in his world then you ought to have a good understanding of what's important / expected / tradition and how he sees it. He's moving to your world will need time and guidance to adjust. And if there is a language barrier, that can at times lead to strained feelings and misunderstandings. Recognize the present shortcomings and discuss them now. Don't wait for the pressure of the big move to bring up these things. As you've experienced already, his anxiety about the move brings unexpected responses. Hurt feelings follow, and you both feel bad.

Living arrangements can be stressful. And what you've found as a part time caregiver is probably a very new concept to him. It would be better for you to have a place where you can have your own space to work out the mixing of two cultures.

Does everyone here think that I've conveniently overlooked the fact that there are cultural differences to face? I've just been ignoring them since now? We have been going through hurdles of culture clash throughout our entire marriage. We have been compromising. We realize we have a hard road ahead, but we are willing to get through it together. Because we want to. Underneath our cultural veils and habits, we are two people. Pink glasses? How artificial. How about, we truly love eachother, enough to make sacrifices for one another.

I completely agree, it would be preferable to find our own place. But I wish he could understand, that in the Bay Area (one of the most expensive places to live in the U.S.), I have found a pretty unheard of opportunity. Yes, it's not ideal, but the alternative would NOT be ideal by any stretch of the imagination.

The alternative is to find a tiny studio (not sure we could even afford that), and be flat broke every month. If that is his preference, so be it. But I truly do not think he knows what this would actually entail. It will not be pretty.

By the way, I want to know, how can anyone be fully prepared for culture clashing? It just happens, and you have to deal with it as it comes. There is absolutely no way I could be 100% prepared for it, as could no one on here.

[Teddy B 17,251]

Not sure why you're arguing with people who are giving the advice you asked for. Is this the same way you approach your marriage?

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Not sure why you're arguing with people who are giving the advice you asked for. Is this the same way you approach your marriage?

Not sure why you came here only to spout off that I'm arguing with people without providing any actual advice yourself?

Do you know what arguing means? I am asking meaningful questions to those who gave me advice. And shocker --- I am expecting an answer. If one cannot be provided, it only proves the holes I poked into their responses.

[Teddy B 17,251]

Not sure why you came here only to spout off that I'm arguing with people without providing any actual advice yourself?

Do you know what arguing means? I am asking meaningful questions to those who gave me advice. And shocker --- I am expecting an answer. If one cannot be provided, it only proves the holes I poked into their responses.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

To everyone who replied in a constructive manner - I thank you truly. I just want to inform you all I will no longer ask for help or guidance on this site. I'm sorry for any inconvenience I've caused anyone. I wish you all well and again, sorry. I won't bother anyone with my posts ever again.

[Lemonslice 4,569]

Culture, values and personality differences happen in all marriages. However, if no one wants to be flexible, I don't see how it can work.