How to deal with an EXTREMELY stubborn spouse?

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Yes, I'm here with more dirty laundry. And no, the point of this post is not to bash my husband or complain about how annoying he is.

I do not believe I understand him as well as I could, and I do not believe he understands me as well as he could. We are married, which means despite how difficult it may seem, all things can be worked through (besides cheating, in my opinion....)

Mix in a language barrier (not extreme but bad enough to where we can't argue like couples who speak the same language proficiently), a HUGE cultural difference and you have a recipe for hard times.

My question, and all experiences and advice are welcome:

How do you deal with a very, very, very, stubborn spouse? Stubborn to the point they refuse to accept that something could be beneficial to the relationship, but have a misconception and refuse to even discuss the issue further because of their misconception. (Example, "My mind is made up and you'll NEVER be able to change it!")

Now, I am not blameless. I am very stubborn too. But the difference with me is I will sit down and look at a situation from every possible angle before coming to my determination. Once I have come to my determination, I will detail to my spouse exactly why I have decided yay or nay. My spouse is not giving me the same open mind. Please help

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Go to a marriage counseling. Everyone has a different way to solve things like this. Have you read a book called, " Five Love Languages?". Started with it. My husband and I went to a counseling prior our marriage though we didn't have any problems just to see how compatible we are.

[belinda63 2,981]

If I could answer that one we would still be married. Yes, after 6 years of marriage I gave up. I don't know if it is cultural, macho, or what but it seems that he will take the word of a stranger over mine.

Best advice I can give is what a few days and try approaching the subject from a different angle. Or maybe have one of his trusted friends talk to him about it, all casual like of course.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Go to a marriage counseling. Everyone has a different way to solve things like this. Have you read a book called, " Five Love Languages?". Started with it. My husband and I went to a counseling prior our marriage though we didn't have any problems just to see how compatible we are.

We aren't living together currently. We are still waiting for the visa. We've lived together a total of three months throughout our entire marriage. When we lived together, we did have groundbreaking arguments, but it was SO much easier to get through them when we were together. The distance makes it so much more difficult.

Step 1) Convince your stubborn husband to go to counseling

[Shauna&Wael 211]

If I could answer that one we would still be married. Yes, after 6 years of marriage I gave up. I don't know if it is cultural, macho, or what but it seems that he will take the word of a stranger over mine.

Best advice I can give is what a few days and try approaching the subject from a different angle. Or maybe have one of his trusted friends talk to him about it, all casual like of course.

When we were discussing the issue today, he was considering the idea in his mind, and I saw something change in his eyes. (I assume this is where he saw the situation going downhill fast) and his mind locked up. Once his mind has locked up, it is damn near impossible to even slightly open it again for discussion. Sometimes he outright bans further discussion of the issue. As if I adhere to that....

I've considered giving up, but it's not worth it to me when so many other things about our marriage are wonderful and going in the right direction.

[Boiler 43,450]

My guess is that he knows any discussion will go on and on and on and on until he sees the light and that there is no point so might as well just stop at first engagement.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

My guess is that he knows any discussion will go on and on and on and on until he sees the light and that there is no point so might as well just stop at first engagement.

True, he constantly says "How much longer do you want to talk about this?" Not in those exact words, but insinuating that I won't drop it.

Why won't I drop it?

1) It's an extremely important topic that will determine the path of our future, he needs to listen to all of my points about it

2) He is obsessing over ONE aspect of it, and building every opinion around that one aspect, without listening to any other aspects

3) I am more than willing to diminish his fears with logic, but he will not even detail the exact fears when asked for.

[Pythos1 24]

I'm stubborn, too. If a serious downhill possibility shows up in my mind, sometimes my coping mechanism just shuts down my brain, so I deal with it by making it go away. That's a very bad coping mechanism, but it is what it is. And if you persist in continuing the discussion on the topic I have had enough with hearing, it won't do anything except make the veins pop out in my neck. My suggestion would be to try to set up an arguing rule of sorts.

"When you don't want to talk about something anymore, tell me to take 24, and then I can't say anything more about it for 24 hours."

If that rule is in place, it will let him calm down and lose some of his fear. Because the shut-down is fear taking control, and men don't admit to having fear. I know, I am one. (A man who has great difficulty admitting to fear.) And then, when the 24 hours are up, if you still want to talk about it, come at it gingerly, like you're handling an antique china heirloom. Start out with love and compassion and empathy, and angle in on the problem softly.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

I'm stubborn, too. If a serious downhill possibility shows up in my mind, sometimes my coping mechanism just shuts down my brain, so I deal with it by making it go away. That's a very bad coping mechanism, but it is what it is. And if you persist in continuing the discussion on the topic I have had enough with hearing, it won't do anything except make the veins pop out in my neck. My suggestion would be to try to set up an arguing rule of sorts.

"When you don't want to talk about something anymore, tell me to take 24, and then I can't say anything more about it for 24 hours."

If that rule is in place, it will let him calm down and lose some of his fear. Because the shut-down is fear taking control, and men don't admit to having fear. I know, I am one. (A man who has great difficulty admitting to fear.) And then, when the 24 hours are up, if you still want to talk about it, come at it gingerly, like you're handling an antique china heirloom. Start out with love and compassion and empathy, and angle in on the problem softly.

If my husband could articulate English as well as you, he would be saying the EXACT SAME THING. 24 hour rule wouldn't really work except calming him down. And even when I walk on eggshells around the topic, he's not stupid, and he knows where I'm going with it. I can be as nice as possible about it but he'll instantly put up the great wall of china.

It's helpful to get the perspective from someone who is the same way. May I ask, are you married? If so, how does your Mrs. feel about this?

Don't you think it's fair that if I will listen to anything he wants to say, he should listen to anything I want to say? Especially if it pertains directly to our future and there is no way it can be ignored by a certain point?

[Pythos1 24]

I have a fiancee, and I've had to deal with fear issues she has had, and inferiority issues she's had. I was married once before, but those issues don't fit this topic. I understand the closing up thing, and I understand your point.

At some point, you two will have to sit down and discuss "rules on arguing" and suchlike. Yes, you can actually have a set of rules on how to argue, and other things. You need to be able to give him space when he shuts down, and he needs to be able to listen to you after the initial shock. And distance and language barriers make it more difficult, but not impossible.

Another way to approach it is to do some character-acting. He plays the role of you, and you play the role of him. And you both try to play the roles honestly. Then have the discussion again. Even when you play the other person's role honestly in the discussion, other things will come out, because part of you is in your roleplay of him. And that way, you each get to see a little bit of what the other person sees.

[Pythos1 24]

It doesn't even have to be the argument you roleplay out. You can pick a nonsense topic, like "Houses should have flowers on the roof". And you could provide his attitude and responses while he provides your attitude and responses to a safe, nonsense topic. Just to get a feel for how the other person perceives the debates that have happened.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

I have a fiancee, and I've had to deal with fear issues she has had, and inferiority issues she's had. I was married once before, but those issues don't fit this topic. I understand the closing up thing, and I understand your point.

At some point, you two will have to sit down and discuss "rules on arguing" and suchlike. Yes, you can actually have a set of rules on how to argue, and other things. You need to be able to give him space when he shuts down, and he needs to be able to listen to you after the initial shock. And distance and language barriers make it more difficult, but not impossible.

Another way to approach it is to do some character-acting. He plays the role of you, and you play the role of him. And you both try to play the roles honestly. Then have the discussion again. Even when you play the other person's role honestly in the discussion, other things will come out, because part of you is in your roleplay of him. And that way, you each get to see a little bit of what the other person sees.

That's a great key though. At least she tells you her fears, I don't even know my husband's exact fears, so how can I go about trying to fix them?

I really like the idea about rules on arguing. When I talk to him next, I'll see how he feels about it lol. For someone as strong (physically, mentally) as him it's kindof embarrassing to see him throw a hissy fit like a toddler. It makes me wonder how he'll deal with pressurized situations in a work environment. For lack of a better word, I would like to "train" him on how to deal with his anger better. Whenever this happens, I always try to figure out, calmly:

Why are you angry?

What are you afraid of?

How can we solve this together?

How can I make you feel more comfortable?

Once I have figured those things out, the situation can usually be easily fixed. But missing any component, and we're headed to scream match.

"YOU open your mind!"

"NO, YOU open your mind!"

It doesn't even have to be the argument you roleplay out. You can pick a nonsense topic, like "Houses should have flowers on the roof". And you could provide his attitude and responses while he provides your attitude and responses to a safe, nonsense topic. Just to get a feel for how the other person perceives the debates that have happened.

When we roleplay eachother, it's usually always in a demeaning and joking way

Our impressions of eachother are pretty damn spot on though.

[JohnandAmy 7]

I'm so thankful I have a husband who is my best friend now. My ex husband is from Syria and the cultures are the same as your husband. I've been there and done that and I would NEVER marry into that culture again. It was very mentally and physically abusive and it was his way or no way at all, no matter that this is the USA. Our cultures are just way too different.......I couldn't live a solid year in the house with him but was married a total of 6 long years and we have a son together. I hope you can find a way of communicating but I can guarantee that he won't change.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

I'm so thankful I have a husband who is my best friend now. My ex husband is from Syria and the cultures are the same as your husband. I've been there and done that and I would NEVER marry into that culture again. It was very mentally and physically abusive and it was his way or no way at all, no matter that this is the USA. Our cultures are just way too different.......I couldn't live a solid year in the house with him but was married a total of 6 long years and we have a son together. I hope you can find a way of communicating but I can guarantee that he won't change.

I'm so thankful I'm not a bigot who chooses to group an entire culture together based off of one experience.

Do you actually believe those behaviors are unique to muslim culture? Surely you're not that ignorant?

You can find a highly stubborn person in the U.S., just as much as you can find a tolerant, laid-back person in countries with muslim culture.

I feel sorry for you, honestly. I hope you and your new hubby are really that happy, but don't go around spewing venom at those you can't understand. To make the claim that I'm in a mentally and physically abusive relationship is appalling.

Thanks for your crappy advice, but I've gotten plenty of helpful, non-spiteful advice from others already. I think you know where you can take your opinion.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Are you not willing to bend yourself? It seems you are aligned with different poles, neither willing to shake their conviction. But marriage or any relationship means compromise in matters great and small, and communicating effectively as much as possible. If both are immoveable, there is deadlock, which is damaging to a healthy relationship

Are you not willing to compromise yourself? In the absence of any information relating to the content of the disagreement, it's not easy for us to give better counsel.