Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Hairball 11]

Ava,

Let me give you some old man advice..... "Run Forest Run".......Even if you could put this relationship together, it will never last.

At this point you should be very happy......are you?

A foreign relationship is a lot of work.....does he show you he is willing to work on your relationship......NOPE!

A foreign relationship requires understanding, respect, patience,nurturing and love......does he give you that now?

He could get a job.....don't fall for that one........he is mommy's boy and you have to realize that....

I moved to be with my now wife....you think I spoke Russian? ....Nope not one word.....But I could say thank you.....and now we speak something I think is called Russlish....

Move on...it might be a heartbreak, but it won't be a life long misery

[PostOakGuy 13]

Unless you are a highly educated individual with a high paying career in France, you would have to be a fool to not at least visit with your K1.

[Boiler 43,760]

Unless you are a highly educated individual with a high paying career in France, you would have to be a fool to not at least visit with your K1.

Why?, she can visit any time and presumably has at least once.

[ginnyirishrose 16]

Girl it sounds like you're the more responsible of the to plan unless he mans up and becomes more responsible hi wouldn't get on that plane. I would no more ask my beneficiary to come over to another country and help him I was going to just a status that is totally irresponsible

[ginnyirishrose 16]

Girl it sounds like you're the more responsible of the two. I wouldn't get on a plane unless he mans up and becomes more responsible I wouldn't get on that plane never risk being out of legal status if you stay more than 180 days in the United States you can be barred for 10 years. I would no more ask my beneficiary to come over to another country marry him and NOT ajust status that is totally irresponsible. you take all the risk and he doesn't take ANY responsibility

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Unless you are a highly educated individual with a high paying career in France, you would have to be a fool to not at least visit with your K1.

Why??? She can visit the USA without him! She'd be a fool to quit her promising career, home, friends, family, to squander all her savings on this man child to live with his Momma and multiple siblings! Please....... I can't

[chvsky 1]

This is tough and I really feel for you. There are red flags all over from your fiance that you shouldn't/must not ignore. "not loving you anymore" "not wanting to hear your complaints (your genuine concerns. And you are not even married yet???) " "not working and living with his mother". "wanting to have a baby asap" wow... this one makes my stomach crawl. You are setting yourself up for major disappointment and failures. I've to admit that I could be wrong because I don't know both of you and don't know anything about your relationship. But from what you have shared with us, I would say that you really need to way your options. Marriage can wait. You can reapply. You have a good job now and maybe a promotion coming up soon. Just my 2 cents. You have one life to live, and yes mistakes are inevitable but avoid those that you can. Good luck

[Malak&Hemza 4]

Greetings thanks for your reply as well, it means so much to me to realise I may feel alone, but there are lovely people out there who have compassion. He lives in California, in a small town. He has a sound engineering certificate, but somehow he hasn't been serious about his job search and hasn't applied as much as he should have (which disheartened me but he said he couldn't handle the stress of the job search :/ .. ) . We have had ups and downs, and in the difficult moment all he wanted was to play video games, and go to music shows, as opposed to looking for more jobs. When I confronted him about this, he said he still had plenty of time, but time flew by and nothing happened . As to being pregnant, I know he really wants a child, he even told me once that the only point of getting married is to have children, otherwise he sees little purpose in this.

Hello, my opinion may not matter. I am a US Citizen, yes sometimes jobs can be difficult to find. But as for a man who states he cannot handle the stress of the job search, then I'm afraid you may be dealing with a man who cannot handle the daily stresses of marriage.

Dear stop and list the pros and cons of coming to the US into a situation such as you have described. It appears to me that you would go into a far worse situation that you imagine. If it were myself, I would not come to stay, visit yes, but not come with the hope that he will change and get a job. Please understand and I'm sure you know you cannot change someone. That person must want to and be willing to change themselves. From everything I have read here, it seems he is looking for someone to take care of him as it appears his mother has done all his life.

He cannot make a life for you and him sitting playing video games. Please do not put yourself nor a new baby into this situation. From everything I have read you are bright and very smart, you deserve better than this couch potato which is what I would call anyone not willing to grow up, get a job and support those he claims to love. He has had plenty of time to prove to you that he is willing to get a job, support you and help to create a life for you and himself.

My dear, he is not a man yet, he is still a little boy wanting to play house.

[AvaAdore 4]

From all the stuff you've said, I think you know this has no chance of working out?

He wants you to give up your job and your home, and bring your savings because he can't be bothered to get a job?

He wants you to be a stay at home mum, but he doesn't have a job?

He tells you the process has damaged his feelings for you?

He can't be bothered to learn your language and would rather be playing computer games?

I've just got married on my k1 visa. Being married involves a massive change in your life, and it takes time to work things out and settle into it. Moving to a new country is a stressful too. I would only advise even attempting it if you believe your relationship is perfect. If there are any cracks then its going to get shaken apart in no time. It involves compromise and give and take? So far you seem to be compromising and giving everything, and he's done... well... nothing? My new wife and me did whatever we could to be together - she sponsored me and got all the paperwork she needed, and I did my part, paying the fees and visiting often and getting all my paperwork like police certificates etc... and we worked so well on it together. That's what its all about.

I'm probably older than many here (i'm 43). I've been through a lot in that time - failed relationships, and one bereavement. One lesson I learned a while back was that it hurts to break up with someone, but often it hurts more to stay with them. If things aren't right, learn from it and move on. Staying in a bad relationship will just make you unhappy.

Hello. Your advice and everyone's precious advice has made me think a lot today at work. I emailed him yesterday and today, to expose my concern as the day we are supposed to meet is soon. All I heard back was "I've heard all of this before, I'm doing what I can. Good night". But alas it was followed with the 12 hour rest, and a day of gaming. Heck if I was in his position, I would treat the job search as if my LIFE depended on it. I'd apply everywhere, and I know Macdonald's are also hiring. But whenever I hint at all this, he just asks me to stop complaining.

I'm so glad to hear things have been much easier with your wife. After all these ordeals, you deserve the very best to heal from the past.

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[Shadowess 13]

Wow this topic is such a difficult one to tackle.

As someone who was in a relationship similar to yours, I can tell you that in my experience it didn't work. Now looking back I realize that it was an emotional abusive relationship. When I would visit him he was super sweet and romantic, but when I left it was controlling (told me to call him each morning to tell him what I was wearing and he would decide if it was acceptable), manipulative, and made me isolated from my friends and family. After 2 years of that I finally realized that I wasn't valuing myself and I ended the relationship

Your situation sounds similar. my thoughts to you is to either cancel or extend the visa. Have a firm talk with him and tell him that you will not come to the USA to visit, get married, anything until he has secured employment. My lovely man finished his Phd in December and only now found a job, however he would wake up each morning and apply for 3-5 jobs, search out new jobs, go to career advisers, etc. Your fiance sounds like he has no interest in becoming employed.

So I suggest:

1. Cancel or extend your visa

2. Do Not go to the USA to visit, I expect he will be super sweet and romantic while your there

3. If you do go to the USA, I recommend getting a hotel room (as previously suggested) so that you can escape from him and his family if you need to

4. Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, or if you do YOU must be in charge of any protection (are you on birth control, condoms, spermicide foam) Use the lot of it, he could possibly want to get you pregnant to "force" you to stay with him.

5. Consider taking a "break" from the relationship while you stay in France. Revisit it in a month, 3 months, however long. With this I suggest you tell him to contact YOU when he's ready to be an adult in the relationship (ie. gets a job, moves out of his mothers house, starts paying rent to his mother, actually wants to talk to you and not just play video games)

I'm so sorry about your situation, I think you should take some time and re-read YOUR posts on this topic. Try to read them as if one of your friends is explaining their situation to you. The heartbreak is very difficult to overcome, but I promise that you will be able to come out of this a stronger person.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

[AvaAdore 4]

Is loving him forever worth a life of misery and abuse? Not only for yourself but also for your children? Is this abuse the environment that you want to see your children witness? Do you want them to live in grandmom's house with their uncles and aunts while he emotionally abuses you in front of them?

Hi again Aaron. I had a grandmother that was abused by her husband, I know that abusers wreck any chance of a healthy relationship, even if the other person does her very best. I certainly don't want to be in this position, let alone expose children to this. I also know that abusers can abuse their spouse in front of their children, and I suppose years down the line, these same children would have no respect for the abused spouse, due to these evil sick patterns they witnessed.

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[AvaAdore 4]

Hi Ava,

I know you have received a lot of different and great opinions here so far. My thoughts come from being married previously and learning life lessons.

Personally, I would suggest staying right where you are in France. Let him know gently that you just don't feel comfortable coming at this time since he has no home for the two of you to live in and no way to support you while you look for employment here. This is a big deal; what if you were to get sick when you get here? What if you did get pregnant with no way to support the baby? If he were to become angry with you or upset in any other way that didn't include complete understanding of your choice... well my advice would be to end the relationship and keep looking.

It's quite possible that your fiance is not quite as mature as you are, and doesn't understand the full scope of what you are putting on the line to come here. Find someone who wants to take care of you just as much as you want to take care of them.

He unfortunately has this ability to find excuses for this. He tells me that it's very hard to find a job in the US right now (which I know is true, though statistically, the US economy has been more prolific than the one over here lately). He also tells me he doesn't want to work in LA, as he "hates big cities" and he wouldn't want us to live there as it would be too costly. So anytime I try to remind me of his responsibilities, he just finds excuses as to why nothing has changed ever since he promised he'd find a job ASAP, which was a promise made as soon as the embassy approved our K1 visa.

I know his mother has told him that I should love him, even jobless. So it would be living in an environment where she sides with his vices, and I am not strong enough for that. Hence why I need changes.

I know why you're saying I should find someone else..it's just so hard to find someone that makes you feel at home. He did for me, before he became hurtful. And the innocence in me is still yearning for these early days.

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[Boiler 43,760]

Odd

I see job signs up all over.

[AvaAdore 4]

Not if she doesn't have EAD. She can't have EAD unless he makes enough money to sponsor her AOS, or finds a co-sponsor, none of which he appears willing or able to do.

You're right that if he hasn't found a job by now, he won't.

It took her 8 months to find this job, she likes it, and is up for a promotion. She should leave this job to chase after someone who is "too stressed" to find a job and won't be able to get it together enough to make sure she has legal status in the US? And who wants to have a baby right away while taking zero actions to actually support the baby?

Also, OP--- why did his behavior change? Possibly because people change. Also, abusers (I don't mean beating I mean emotional abuse and manipulation) get you to fall in love with them, and then show their true colors. And one of their tricks is withholding their love from you to get you to work harder to "earn" it. And looks like it's working. You're talking about giving up your good life for the nothing that he is offering you, putting yourself at risk (legal status and financially) and he doesn't even treat you nicely, forget treat you equally (being willing to come to you, for example). That didn't happen by accident.

Catherine, actually my friend here told me to look into Cluster B personalities. She suggests he *might* suffer from that, or depression, or even bi-polar for the rapid and drastic changes in tone/moods. Which could all either be intentional, or not.

Edited July 21, 2015 by AvaAdore

[AvaAdore 4]

I have been reading all the comments and this is so sad. You want to have a marriage like that?

Once I read "marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%"

It seems you are giving/doing 200% and he 0%. That sounds like a not very nice way to live. Please THINK. Listen to your heart and soul. You want to be happy. You want to be with someone who really loves you and treats you like you deserve. Not being far from home with that human being.

I thank you for your sympathy once again, really everyone here is making me see everything from a different perspective, and I no longer feel "bad" for needing him to have a job absolutely (when his mother thinks I shouldn't care about it).

I did indeed tell him I'm making all these compromises and sacrifices, and he seems to be taking that for granted. I said all this in the hope he'd realise all the efforts I put into it. But it has dawned on me that the more efforts I have made, the less effort he made. Why would that be? I jut don't understand the thinking behind it.

"marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%" is spot on.