Is it too late to back out? :(

[VOL 425]

Some people are just broken, some can't be fixed.

It would be best to severe ties and in a few years when you look back you will see this was one of the best decision you ever made.

[Hin-d 16]

Agreed with all the above posts...Save your sanity and your money!!!

[HoussemAnna 20]

Bottom line is you are very unsure borderline already ready to divorce, if you have your mind set to this will not work out then the advice is very clear to just end it. If it was just you and her I would give it more time with everything on hold but you have to think about your father and it is so true you dont want him holding the bag for your mistake.

[Gosia & Tito 199]

I admittedly married my wife, because she was living through hell with her ex-boyfriend, and I liked her, and wanted to help out a woman I liked. We're still in lots of danger right now, which is the reason I decided to go the Direct Consular Filing route.

If it wasn't for me, my wife would have been in jail for not having the economic resources to respond to her ex's bogus legal demands. Everyone says that we engaged and got married too quickly. And they're right. I realize that it probably would have been better to just let her continue to suffer and go to jail. I wasted so much time and money in Peru, and now this woman is proving herself to be completely ungrateful. She has a full time job, but she spends her money on superficial stuff, and yet I'm still paying for her food and rent. I've just about had it. I bought her a bunch of clothes, then I realized I needed to stop spending so much money on her. She saw a good deal on a couple pairs of pants and begged me to buy them for her, saying that, in return, she would prepare homemade vegetable juice for me every day with the extractor. So I agreed. Oops.

Well she hasn't been holding up her end of the bargain, and she has a really nasty attitude that I keep having to correct with direct speech, telling her not to disrespect me. Yesterday she was being lazy in the morning so I had to be the one to prepare the vegetable juice. When she finally came into the kitchen the first thing she did was complain to me, saying that I made too much juice and used too many vegetables. Talk about ungrateful! Even when I was helping her with her legal issues, she would still throw nasty temper tantrums, and now as I'm helping her with her Direct Consular Filing process (she basically does nothing) she still complains about every little thing. Like when I tell her to go get her police records, because we're leaving town in a couple days, and we don't have much time, she just wants to argue. Every little thing I tell her she just wants to argue about. Every day before she goes to work she gets all stressed and starts complaining about ANY and EVERY little thing. She tells me she's sorry every once in a while and wants to hug me, but I'm really at the point now, where it has started affecting me to where I no longer feel happy that I met her at all. She has successfully extinguished my love. I'm burnt out.

I don't have a history of being a violent person, but today when I heard her moaning and groaning about how the kitchen wasn't totally clean, I decided I had to leave. It's about the third day in a row that she throws a temper tantrum over something insignificant. She does not know how to communicate assertively, and when I try to explain things to her in a level-headed way, she just wants to test my patience and argue about whatever I'm saying. So, as I heard her whining and complaining in the kitchen this morning, I left the house, and didn't come back until she was already at work. It was all I could do to keep from harming her physically. I then went and threw rocks at a tree for an hour while shouting insults and swear words in English, just to calm down.

Well my dad still hasn't signed the I-864 and sent it as the joint sponsor. I'm thinking about just destroying the document when it arrives via DHL. Unfortunately, I fear that my wife will just get to the USA and become a public charge, and then my Dad will be in the horrible position of having to repay the US government for a mistake that I made. I feel very torn, because I just got done justifying to my parents why they should be the joint sponsor for the "love of my life."

When we went to a psychologist in June, the psychologist diagnosed my wife with Severe Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because her parents divorced when she was 8 and neither really took good care of her. Her father used to punish her with the belt. And then she met her exboyfriend who on occasion beat her, raped her and threatened her. She has bad insomnia, and she's always complaining about something (either her insomnia, her eyes that dry out and get red too easily, her hair, her acne, her skin discoloration from solar exposure, her belly fat). she just seems so discontented about everything, and the only time she ever says thank you for all the favors I do for her, is when I tell her. She always criticizes me for any arbitrary thing I do. Even when I tell her to act appropriately and be grateful for the favors I'm doing for her, she criticizes me for "rubbing it in." Uggghhh....I was blinded by love and paid the price dearly. What a basket case.

Just for the record, I too was diagnosed with Depression, but I've at least sought out treatment and have pretty much gotten things under control with the help of my medication. My wife, on the other hand, would rather spend her money (and my money) on shoes and beauty creams. It's totally unacceptable. I went home to the USA for three weeks in the summer, and I left her a note telling her to please continue her therapy with the psychologist who diagnosed her. I left her enough money in the envelope for three sessions, and indicated this in my note. Yet when I returned to Peru she said that she only went to one appointment, and started criticizing therapy. She spent the rest of the money on clothes she didn't need.

At this point, I'm just about ready to cut my losses, and go back to how my life was before I travelled to Peru. If she doesn't go see a psychiatrist very soon and get on some heavy heavy medication to calm her down, then there is absolutely no way I'm going to tolerate this marriage.

It seems you are in Peru. It also seems that it was a marriage not long ago.

Do you actually live in Peru (reside, work, etc)? There is no reason, unless you want to, for you and her to be in the US.

Thus, you can cancel the immigration procedures at any point, especially if the 864 is not yet submitted. And remain in Peru if you wish.

I'd still get out of that relationship.

In fact, given what you post, I'd think that the minute you announce there is no 864 and no immigration, one of two things will happen: she will become an angel or she will leave you

Beware of the first.

If the second, you still would want to complete the legal aspects -divorce- if you are thinking that there is still a good wife in your future.

Outside of all the above; you have to realize that there seems to be a cultural chasm among the two of you. Whatever legal issues she had, they are not yours. Sorry to say, but you might have fallen or it and now you ned to get out of it.

[Ortolan 381]

If it's this hard...it's not in the cards for you and her.

[cocolucho 35]

I admittedly married my wife, because she was living through hell with her ex-boyfriend, and I liked her, and wanted to help out a woman I liked. We're still in lots of danger right now, which is the reason I decided to go the Direct Consular Filing route.

If it wasn't for me, my wife would have been in jail for not having the economic resources to respond to her ex's bogus legal demands. Everyone says that we engaged and got married too quickly. And they're right. I realize that it probably would have been better to just let her continue to suffer and go to jail. I wasted so much time and money in Peru, and now this woman is proving herself to be completely ungrateful. She has a full time job, but she spends her money on superficial stuff, and yet I'm still paying for her food and rent. I've just about had it. I bought her a bunch of clothes, then I realized I needed to stop spending so much money on her. She saw a good deal on a couple pairs of pants and begged me to buy them for her, saying that, in return, she would prepare homemade vegetable juice for me every day with the extractor. So I agreed. Oops.

Well she hasn't been holding up her end of the bargain, and she has a really nasty attitude that I keep having to correct with direct speech, telling her not to disrespect me. Yesterday she was being lazy in the morning so I had to be the one to prepare the vegetable juice. When she finally came into the kitchen the first thing she did was complain to me, saying that I made too much juice and used too many vegetables. Talk about ungrateful! Even when I was helping her with her legal issues, she would still throw nasty temper tantrums, and now as I'm helping her with her Direct Consular Filing process (she basically does nothing) she still complains about every little thing. Like when I tell her to go get her police records, because we're leaving town in a couple days, and we don't have much time, she just wants to argue. Every little thing I tell her she just wants to argue about. Every day before she goes to work she gets all stressed and starts complaining about ANY and EVERY little thing. She tells me she's sorry every once in a while and wants to hug me, but I'm really at the point now, where it has started affecting me to where I no longer feel happy that I met her at all. She has successfully extinguished my love. I'm burnt out.

I don't have a history of being a violent person, but today when I heard her moaning and groaning about how the kitchen wasn't totally clean, I decided I had to leave. It's about the third day in a row that she throws a temper tantrum over something insignificant. She does not know how to communicate assertively, and when I try to explain things to her in a level-headed way, she just wants to test my patience and argue about whatever I'm saying. So, as I heard her whining and complaining in the kitchen this morning, I left the house, and didn't come back until she was already at work. It was all I could do to keep from harming her physically. I then went and threw rocks at a tree for an hour while shouting insults and swear words in English, just to calm down.

Well my dad still hasn't signed the I-864 and sent it as the joint sponsor. I'm thinking about just destroying the document when it arrives via DHL. Unfortunately, I fear that my wife will just get to the USA and become a public charge, and then my Dad will be in the horrible position of having to repay the US government for a mistake that I made. I feel very torn, because I just got done justifying to my parents why they should be the joint sponsor for the "love of my life."

When we went to a psychologist in June, the psychologist diagnosed my wife with Severe Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because her parents divorced when she was 8 and neither really took good care of her. Her father used to punish her with the belt. And then she met her exboyfriend who on occasion beat her, raped her and threatened her. She has bad insomnia, and she's always complaining about something (either her insomnia, her eyes that dry out and get red too easily, her hair, her acne, her skin discoloration from solar exposure, her belly fat). she just seems so discontented about everything, and the only time she ever says thank you for all the favors I do for her, is when I tell her. She always criticizes me for any arbitrary thing I do. Even when I tell her to act appropriately and be grateful for the favors I'm doing for her, she criticizes me for "rubbing it in." Uggghhh....I was blinded by love and paid the price dearly. What a basket case.

Just for the record, I too was diagnosed with Depression, but I've at least sought out treatment and have pretty much gotten things under control with the help of my medication. My wife, on the other hand, would rather spend her money (and my money) on shoes and beauty creams. It's totally unacceptable. I went home to the USA for three weeks in the summer, and I left her a note telling her to please continue her therapy with the psychologist who diagnosed her. I left her enough money in the envelope for three sessions, and indicated this in my note. Yet when I returned to Peru she said that she only went to one appointment, and started criticizing therapy. She spent the rest of the money on clothes she didn't need.

At this point, I'm just about ready to cut my losses, and go back to how my life was before I travelled to Peru. If she doesn't go see a psychiatrist very soon and get on some heavy heavy medication to calm her down, then there is absolutely no way I'm going to tolerate this marriage.

Since you are doing direct consular filing and you want to stop the process and you are planning about divorcing her, I would suggest you email the US Embassy in Lima and withdraw your petition I-130. You can send emails to the immigrant consular section directly at LimaIV@state.gov or go directly to the US embassy in Lima where you filed the paper work and request to speak with an officer to formally withdraw your petition I-130.

Remember if you do this if will be difficult to change your mind after you withdraw your petition. It seems to me this is not a healthy relationship between the two of you and you are in route to a very difficult marriage if you continue.

My two cents here, when you married her you knew her circumstances so you knew what you were getting into. Someone who has gone through with what she went through needs lots of help and understanding and you may not be prepare to handle that level of commitment to someone who has been abused, rape, and suffers depression, etc... I am not justifying her actions to you, but you knew how she was from the beginning and marrying her was your decision. Anyway, this is a very difficult decision you must make and you alone, so I wish you good luck.

By the way, I don't understand when you say you are still in lots of danger?? Maybe you refer to the ex-boyfriend who is chasing you both?? I am sorry I didn't read your other posts so it seems you were having some legal issues with the ex.... Hopefully it doesn't continue.:-(

Edited October 13, 2014 by cocolucho

[insipidtoast 3]

Uggh, I already regret writing this. If you only knew the other side of the story. My wife is so much fun to be around. She's very playful. She chrerishes and praises me regularly and is very warmhearted. And we have very good chemistry. We were simply passing through a bad moment at the time I made the original post. I'm on medication for my depression, and I believe it's affecting me in a very negative way. I just feel so edgy all the time, and I have very little patience.

I'm not justifying my wife's behavior. Sometimes it is plain out-of-line, but it's nothing a little psychiatry can't fix, nor does it represent the norm of her behavior.

[insipidtoast 3]

Oh Gosh I hate using the mobile site, my texts always get sent like this ... I am sorry

I know what she went through, I've been through the same from a young age on & for way too years.. This is not an excuse for being a pain in the ### eventho I have been one myself in the beginning of the relationship. I made him pay for what happened to me in the past until he told me to stop he's a great man and he loves me to death but he won't put up with my attitude.

Have you tried doing that?

If it doesn't work... Then maybe it's best to part

This is very sincere. I had a long conversation with my wife, and she had the same revelation you had. I ask her why she needs to punish me for things other men did to her? It's not fair. So, she wants to get on medication and continue with cognitive behavioral therapy. She realizes the damage she has done to our relationship, and wants to fix things.

Out of all the women I've met and girlfriends I've had, my wife is the most compatible out of all of them, which is why I decided to marry her. I've never met any other woman I thought would make a good life companion. What troubles me about this website is that I ask practical questions about filling out an I-864 form and get zero replies, but when I make a post about relationship troubles, I get 20 replies in one day.

Edited October 14, 2014 by insipidtoast

[Ontarkie 13,915]

This is very sincere. I had a long conversation with my wife, and she had the same revelation you had. I ask her why she needs to punish me for things other men did to her? It's not fair. So, she wants to get on medication and continue with cognitive behavioral therapy. She realizes the damage she has done to our relationship, and wants to fix things.

Out of all the women I've met and girlfriends I've had, my wife is the most compatible out of all of them, which is why I decided to marry her. I've never met any other woman I thought would make a good life companion. What troubles me about this website is that I ask practical questions about filling out an I-864 form and get zero replies, but when I make a post about relationship troubles, I get 20 replies in one day.

I'm happy that you had a nice talk but remember ppl will say just about anything to get what they really want. If you truly want to work on your relationship stay in Peru longer hold off the interview till both of you get much more counselling. If you follow through with her moving to the US it can make her issues worse as she will be also going through major stress. Culture shock, home sickness, trying to adjust to another doctor and most likely another new medication.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

I'm happy that you had a nice talk but remember ppl will say just about anything to get what they really want. If you truly want to work on your relationship stay in Peru longer hold off the interview till both of you get much more counselling. If you follow through with her moving to the US it can make her issues worse as she will be also going through major stress. Culture shock, home sickness, trying to adjust to another doctor and most likely another new medication.

+1,000 to every word of this.

[Caryh 5,206]

I'm happy that you had a nice talk but remember ppl will say just about anything to get what they really want. If you truly want to work on your relationship stay in Peru longer hold off the interview till both of you get much more counselling. If you follow through with her moving to the US it can make her issues worse as she will be also going through major stress. Culture shock, home sickness, trying to adjust to another doctor and most likely another new medication.

This is some of the best advice I've seen here. The adjustment process is very stressful for most that make this kind of move. Its a huge reason cross country relationships fail with one side thinking the other doesn't appreciate all the things I did to get them here, and the immigrant thinking their spouse is heartless and doesn't understand what they're going through. Both are right of course, which gives the perfect reason to end the marriage. For some the adjustment is impossible, and for others its next to nothing, but most people fall somewhere in between those ends. And if she's having emotional issues before the move, odds are she's going to be one that acts out significantly during the stress of adjustment, which can take years. If you're not the person who can handle that, your odds of surviving as a married couple are very small. You should have a serious discussion about this, before coming to the USA. At least then you'll have a base starting point for discussion when it does come up.

[d3adc0d3 186]

I admittedly married my wife, because she was living through hell with her ex-boyfriend, and I liked her, and wanted to help out a woman I liked. We're still in lots of danger right now, which is the reason I decided to go the Direct Consular Filing route.

If it wasn't for me, my wife would have been in jail for not having the economic resources to respond to her ex's bogus legal demands. Everyone says that we engaged and got married too quickly. And they're right. I realize that it probably would have been better to just let her continue to suffer and go to jail. I wasted so much time and money in Peru, and now this woman is proving herself to be completely ungrateful. She has a full time job, but she spends her money on superficial stuff, and yet I'm still paying for her food and rent. I've just about had it. I bought her a bunch of clothes, then I realized I needed to stop spending so much money on her. She saw a good deal on a couple pairs of pants and begged me to buy them for her, saying that, in return, she would prepare homemade vegetable juice for me every day with the extractor. So I agreed. Oops.

Well she hasn't been holding up her end of the bargain, and she has a really nasty attitude that I keep having to correct with direct speech, telling her not to disrespect me. Yesterday she was being lazy in the morning so I had to be the one to prepare the vegetable juice. When she finally came into the kitchen the first thing she did was complain to me, saying that I made too much juice and used too many vegetables. Talk about ungrateful! Even when I was helping her with her legal issues, she would still throw nasty temper tantrums, and now as I'm helping her with her Direct Consular Filing process (she basically does nothing) she still complains about every little thing. Like when I tell her to go get her police records, because we're leaving town in a couple days, and we don't have much time, she just wants to argue. Every little thing I tell her she just wants to argue about. Every day before she goes to work she gets all stressed and starts complaining about ANY and EVERY little thing. She tells me she's sorry every once in a while and wants to hug me, but I'm really at the point now, where it has started affecting me to where I no longer feel happy that I met her at all. She has successfully extinguished my love. I'm burnt out.

I don't have a history of being a violent person, but today when I heard her moaning and groaning about how the kitchen wasn't totally clean, I decided I had to leave. It's about the third day in a row that she throws a temper tantrum over something insignificant. She does not know how to communicate assertively, and when I try to explain things to her in a level-headed way, she just wants to test my patience and argue about whatever I'm saying. So, as I heard her whining and complaining in the kitchen this morning, I left the house, and didn't come back until she was already at work. It was all I could do to keep from harming her physically. I then went and threw rocks at a tree for an hour while shouting insults and swear words in English, just to calm down.

Well my dad still hasn't signed the I-864 and sent it as the joint sponsor. I'm thinking about just destroying the document when it arrives via DHL. Unfortunately, I fear that my wife will just get to the USA and become a public charge, and then my Dad will be in the horrible position of having to repay the US government for a mistake that I made. I feel very torn, because I just got done justifying to my parents why they should be the joint sponsor for the "love of my life."

When we went to a psychologist in June, the psychologist diagnosed my wife with Severe Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because her parents divorced when she was 8 and neither really took good care of her. Her father used to punish her with the belt. And then she met her exboyfriend who on occasion beat her, raped her and threatened her. She has bad insomnia, and she's always complaining about something (either her insomnia, her eyes that dry out and get red too easily, her hair, her acne, her skin discoloration from solar exposure, her belly fat). she just seems so discontented about everything, and the only time she ever says thank you for all the favors I do for her, is when I tell her. She always criticizes me for any arbitrary thing I do. Even when I tell her to act appropriately and be grateful for the favors I'm doing for her, she criticizes me for "rubbing it in." Uggghhh....I was blinded by love and paid the price dearly. What a basket case.

Just for the record, I too was diagnosed with Depression, but I've at least sought out treatment and have pretty much gotten things under control with the help of my medication. My wife, on the other hand, would rather spend her money (and my money) on shoes and beauty creams. It's totally unacceptable. I went home to the USA for three weeks in the summer, and I left her a note telling her to please continue her therapy with the psychologist who diagnosed her. I left her enough money in the envelope for three sessions, and indicated this in my note. Yet when I returned to Peru she said that she only went to one appointment, and started criticizing therapy. She spent the rest of the money on clothes she didn't need.

At this point, I'm just about ready to cut my losses, and go back to how my life was before I travelled to Peru. If she doesn't go see a psychiatrist very soon and get on some heavy heavy medication to calm her down, then there is absolutely no way I'm going to tolerate this marriage.

Uggh, I already regret writing this. If you only knew the other side of the story. My wife is so much fun to be around. She's very playful. She chrerishes and praises me regularly and is very warmhearted. And we have very good chemistry. We were simply passing through a bad moment at the time I made the original post. I'm on medication for my depression, and I believe it's affecting me in a very negative way. I just feel so edgy all the time, and I have very little patience.

I'm not justifying my wife's behavior. Sometimes it is plain out-of-line, but it's nothing a little psychiatry can't fix, nor does it represent the norm of her behavior.

Based on these two posts I can tell you're struggling with keeping your emotions as stable as you'd prefer them to be. We all have days/weeks/months like that and I totally sympathize.

I would recommend the following:

1. Hold off on the immigration thing, it's stressful for you BOTH and neither of you need that right now when you're both in Peru and adjusting to your new lives together. Not to mention how it'll be to adjust to life for her in the US. She has a lot of healing to do, and too much change, I suspect won't be good for her.
2. Seek relationship counseling. It will help you both learn how to communicate with each other in a more positive and productive way. As a woman from a previously abusive relationship I suspect she may simply not know HOW to communicate with you in a way that works for you both. Have you tried writing letters or emails to each other about your issues? It helps because you can get everything out, without being interrupted and your s/o can go back and re-read it after she calms down from the initial emotional shock of it. You can also re-read 40 gazillion times to make sure it's as un-offensive as possible before handing it over to her or her to you. My mother always used the 2:1 rule - for every criticism, use 2 sincere compliments. People are wired to remember the negative and painful... it's survival... it takes more good than bad to remember the good as strongly.
3. Talk to your wife about a "free spending" budget. Put her on it, and make her stay on it. Have her pay for some of her own personal regular expenses, like a cell phone bill, that won't effect you. If she doesn't manage her own budget, she goes without. Don't chip in, don't help her. Hold her to it. After she's forced to figure out how to balance it, she will do better. Many women who escape from abusive and controlling relationships do everything they can to make themselves feel good about themselves, salon visits, clothes, skin care products, hair care products, shoes, etc. We want to feel pretty and desirable again... and after being told for years that we are ugly and worthless... these little things give us a small boost of confidence that we very much need, and we're not able to giver ourselves yet as we're still healing. She can still have those boosts... just in moderation. You'll have to stand firm and be consistent. Compliment her sincerely every time you wake up, before you go to bed, when you come home. Make her feel beautiful, irresistible, and compliment her profusely when she tries to help around the house, makes a responsible decision, or dresses up. Don't make her feel a child, but letting her know you see it, and think she's doing wonderful will make her blossom. It will heal her, my husband did that with me and I'm a totally different person now.
4. See a therapist for just you, and have her see one too. Both of you should schedule appointments with different therapists at the same time in the same building. That was you're not missing any time with each other and you can be sure you're both seeing one. Try having the appointments once a month (or at least her's). Sometimes people need it further apart to digest what the therapist said.
5. Find out if your wife doesn't like the medication she was on, or if she's afraid of side effects. A natural remedy is Valerian root. It's known as a mood stabilizer. Many times it's marketed as a sleep agent, but it simply stablizes your moods so you can sleep. I use it to help with my PMDD, and if it can help with that... it can help with depression. LOL

You can contact the embassy and put your I-130 on hold, or even cancel it if you think you'll be there for more than a year. You can always re-initiate the application later on down the road.

Edited October 14, 2014 by d3adc0d3

[eieio 1,594]

Out of all the women I've met and girlfriends I've had, my wife is the most compatible out of all of them, which is why I decided to marry her.

There is your answer. I am not a psychologist, but like most others on here, I play one on the internet.

My advice is to do whatever it takes to get her here. This is your last chance for true love. Sure it may not be all fun and games everyday.....but I can see this from a mile away.....You two were meant to be together.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

In regard to compatibility: Someone can be wonderful in every aspect but one. If that one factor is something that causes us to compromise our principles, ethics, safety, sanity, or sense of ease in a way that makes us uncomfortable, it's a disqualifying factor.

A self-question guideline is, "What qualities, characteristics, flaws, or incompatibilities about this person am I willing to overlook... and never bring up again?"

[Sandra G. 5,016]

If you are with someone that is not madly in love with you ,and you are not insanely happy with her, then you are wasting your time. Start a relationship attending therapy is a great recipe for disaster.If in the beginning is like that , picture in 5/10/15 years. Good luck.Never forget that we are our choices.