Prenup agreement discussion

[nealxette 4]

I'm happy that my husband did not ask for a pre-nup agreement because if he did, I would not marry him. I don't have to prove my love for him by signing a pre-nup. And why would I marry a guy who is already think that it's possible that our marriage won't last a lifetime? The reason for marrying someone is to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. I only hear pre-nups when celebrities are getting married.

I understand that sometimes, it's hard to trust people like us coz they think that we just want the greencard or money. In my opinion, she was hurt coz she loves you. But like I said, it's hard to trust someone that you don't know that much. Explain everything to her and give her time to think and respect her decision about the matter. And give yourselves more time to know each other better before getting married

I'm so happy that Christ is the center of our relationship, that me and my husband vowed to love each other as Christ loved the church, that we saved ourselves just for each other...That's very special. Love is a commitment. If you love someone, you will choose to love him/her everyday, you will trust him/her, you will always forgive him/her for every wrong decision, you will accept him/her as a whole.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

It doesn't have to be a red flag...american culture is not the only one that exist. Because she got mad it doesn't mean anything. I'm venezuelan and we are not get use to that too. Actually, it can be taken as an offense. I only heard from a few cases, with extremly wealthy people involve. My husband is an american citizen but he never ever, talked about that. We love each other and even if things don't workout between us, I've s career and all the things I need to keep living, just like I did my whole life before I met him. I would be mad too

[Ismael&Blair 66]

My fiance and I discussed this. He's American and in his culture (a litigious one) that is a good discussion to have. We talked it through and came to some agreement about what we would do if in the first couple of years one of us died.. and what would we want for our families... His accountant strongly suggested a pre-nup and I can understand why. Having the conversation should not be an issue. As long as no-one is demanding anything rather the topic is on the table and being discussed. Kinda suggests that in that relationship some topics can't even be tabled! That would worry me.. is demanding in its own sense. Tread carefully.

Totally agree with your comments about bringing the topic and the reactions should not demanding.

I'll share my two cents about my situation. I am the petitioner and the wife. And months before we got married, through the urging of my close friends & reassuring my family, I brought up the pre-nuptial agreement to my now Moroccan husband. It was drafted and translated and I emailed it to him for review. He was surprised (maybe even offended) but he took it well and after reading it and we had numerous communications about the rationale for it. I explained how in America, there is a high rate of divorce (look at HOLLYWOOD). He was understanding and he agreed to it. Which makes me know that he really loves me for ME and I love him even more after this!

Edited February 4, 2013 by Ismael&Blair

[JessieRC 8]

I am a Chinese woman and I would assume being requested to sign a prenup by my future husband is something quite unpleasant, if not upsetting.

My husband is the USC and his ex-wife is also American. That woman used and abused him, and then drained him dry almost financially and emotionally. When I first met him, he was one of the most cynical men I've ever known. It wasn't easy for him to open up to me and eventually have the guts to get married again.

Anyways, when my husband proposed to me. No matter how unpleasant it is for my culture, I still took the initiate to offer signing a prenup with him. He declined firmly and said he would never consider doing something like that to me because 1).he knew it's insulting for a woman in my traditional culture;2). he wouldn't propose marriage to me if he didn't even trust me that much.

[sjr09 155]

so in my opinion, he should not be able to sue me for support as the I-864 allows, but it is what it is.

Your understanding of the I-864 is a bit off kilter.

[BatmanUSA 105]

I've had an American woman cancel the wedding because I wanted a pre-nup.. and I was ok with that... heartbroken, but figured it was for the best... you can have the pre-nup give her "x" amount, if the marriage fails, so she will have something if the marriage fails..

thinking,.. if she really loves me and the money doesn't matter, then she will sign it.... is the same as thinking,.. if he really loves me and the money doesn't matter, then he will not ask for one...

I did consider asking my fiancé to sign one... we did discuss it and she said then she has no reason to stay here if the marriage dooesnt work out so she would return home with whatever she arrived with... now, I do trust my sweetheart, and I believe what she says, so I will not ask her for a pre-nup... so I obviously Love and trust this woman more than the previous woman.. look for all those little red flags.. things that make you think.. Hmmmm...

you must decide what is best considering your circumstances...

[JessieRC 8]

Pre-nups by definition are a preparation document to determine what happens to assets when a divorce happens. They are distasteful, difficult, cynical in nature and are best left to those with large assets they need to protect for business purposes. You say her reaction is a big red flag to you, yet you have very little to protect from loss. It seems to me that you are less worried about a protection of asset question and more worried that she is the one person you wish to spend the rest of your life with.

My suggestion is to take more time to get to know her. Take time to go and see her again and let your feelings sort themselves as you grow to trust her motives and as she grows to trust yours.

You are dealing with something far more valuable than a few dollars here. Three people's lives will be changed as a result of your marriage. An innocent child's life will be forever changed by the move to America. Please think about the relationship and learning to trust each other and I bet the issue of a pre-nup will take care of itself.

Best wishes to you,

Well said. I also think the best protection is not a prenup but taking time to know and trust your future spouse before you rush into any marriage.

My husband was drained dry both emotionally and financially by his American ex-wife. He had issue trusting others because of that tramatic divorce.

I met him 2 years after his divorce, and it took less than 1 year for us fell in love in the most unexpected way. I loved him so much that I wished I could marry him then ut I did realize he wasn't able to open up to me completely at that stage and decided to take things slower. Eventually he proposed to me after we had been together for 5 years when he has felt condifent and comfortable about the whole idea of "his traditional Chinese wife wants to be married and stay married for life".At this stage, to him a prenup is a merely insult to our love.

Trust doesn't come easy. Took me more than 6 years to earned my husband's trust.

[GermanGuy 0]

Just out of interest – how does immigrations react to prenups? Does it raise any red flags on their end?

[Khaleesi 1]

It doesnt make much sense to capture love in a contract, right ? What love is it then .. it would be more like a business deal. Yet marriage itself is exactly that... it is a contract... so i would understand if someone doesnt feel comfortable with prenups if they dont feel comfortble with marriage. But if u are willing to get married, then u are already in the contract zone...

Both marriage and prenups give security ... what would u think if the person you love doesnt want to get married for example ? If they think it is a piece of paper and that is not love .. you would feel like they wouldnt want to give u the security.... They will tell u that they will never leave u and live with u forever... but when there isnt a marriage, there isnt a divorce either... one can walk away easily... it is the same with prenup.. one can promise u that u will never get divorced, but if it does happen ?

So it is a question of trust or security ? quite philosophical

I think it is important to discuss it, like it is important to discuss everything in a relationship, but have in mind philosophical questions arent easily discussed and u may never reach an agreement or even understanding on the other point of view, which doesnt mean that u cant compromise on it

[Grant PDX 183]

I absolutely don't see prenups as a trust issue. Millions of people with the very best intentions, faith in god, love, and trust, and all those things.... get divorced. To say "it'll never happen to me", well, let's just say 100% of people who marry think the same thing. A prenup is NOT about trust. It's about making sure our partner will be ok, even if our marriage ends for ANY reason. It could be death, could be divorce. Who knows? The point is, IF it ends, the two people have discussed what will happen afterwards. And if you have a prenup, you had the discussion when you were both madly in love and didn't want the other person hurt. Isn't that the best time for the discussion? Not when it's ending/ended and someone might be hurt or angry?

Have a rational discussion. Talk about the "what ifs". Take care of each other with a solid agreement. Love is great but we all live in the real world. Like it or not, some people who are madly in love now will have a marriage end. It's not a trust issue, it's a love issue. You do it because you love each other, and even if the marriage breaks down at some point you made sure to take care of her/his needs when you were crazy in love, not after when there's bickering and hurt.

In the prenup I'm working on it will spell out what each gets in the EVENT of a breakdown. I will absolutely make sure she's taken care of. I don't expect a breakdown, I'm madly in love and I trust my fiancee. But I can't predict the future and I want to make sure we are BOTH ok if things come to and end. I don't ever hope for that. I hope to put the paper away and never see it again. But if there is an end, at least we both have assurance that we took care of each other way before, when we were driven by love, not anger, pain, etc.

[CaroSL 68]

So the US citizen must make a financial commitment to the K-1, and the k-1 provides no assurance That she will not take everything if there is a divorce?

How is a one sided solution where the K-1 gets all the protection and the US citizen get none a win-win situation?

The OP's fiancée is not even willing to discuss his concerns. How is that going to work long term in a marriage? She pouts like a baby and refuses to discuss his concerns is not going to create a healthy marriage.

Your solution will be great for you in case of a divorce. Your husband will have his family and friends. You will have all his money and his house. I guess that's fair to you for leaving your family and friends. Guess you'll never use his money to go see them again.

I say all this sarcastically to prove my point. All is good when you are in love. Things can end badly when only one spouse is protected and the other is not when that live ends.

Wouldn't it be fair if both had some protection in case of a divorce?

If there is no divorce, then it's just a piece if paper. So what's the problem with the US citizen getting a little protection?

OK... I know I should not really have posted that... But I talk about I-864, not pre-nup.

Here is how I see it (and keep in mind that this is just the point of view of someone who never experience the situation, so it could be different from how it really works...)

If things go really bad and I go crazy and I want to take all the money from my to be husband and we have no pre-nup, then I potentially can. This is not fair and this is why I want a pre-nup.

Now, if we get separated, I will hopefully be working, and my fiancé knows me well enough to know I'll do everything I can to be working as soon as I have the EAD, so in the case I make my own living, I don't think he will have to pay me anything because of I-864... And I wouldn't stop working, and have lower living standards probably, and choose to be dependant in a stupid attempt to hurt him (that wouldn't even work, he'd find it pathetic that's all)

Of course if I didn't want to work, he would know it from the beginning. I don't know how binding is the I-864, and for how long it is in case of divorce... Of course if it means that you have to take care of someone that you got separated from for years, even though that person doesn't try to earn decent money, yeah, ok, not fair... If it is just about making sure the person doesn't become a public charge (with no job, no familly or friends to go to, this could easily happen) for a little while... well it is the fair risk of marrying a foreign citizen that doesn't want to be independant. But maybe I live in a dream world and the I-864 is much more binding than I think and then of course it is also a bigger risk than I think.

Other than that, I am for pre-nup, even if both sides are making the same kind of money. Just because it can change in the future, as feelings and persons, and I think it is a fair protection to both.

Anyway, again, not the wisest of my post... I totally get your point aaron.

Edited February 4, 2013 by CaroSL

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I still took the initiate to offer signing a prenup with him. He declined firmly and said he would never consider doing something like that to me because 1).he knew it's insulting for a woman in my traditional culture;2). he wouldn't propose marriage to me if he didn't even trust me that much.

We all trust our spouses until they cheat, abuse, or just otherwise make us miserable. Normal people don't marry people that they don't trust, but humans make mistakes and people can change.... and then all you are left with is the fleeting emotion of trust you had for that person on your marriage day as they screw you over.

My relationship with my husband right now is the most amazing, trusting, and loving I've ever had. He is truly a decent, kind, and loving man but you can bet your britches that he is signing a post-nuptial when we get back to America. He doesn't think we'll ever divorce and if we did he wouldn't want my money anyway, so what is the big deal in signing a contract that already outlines what you would do especially if you don't ever think it will be an issue?

If you aren't planning on taking more than what you are due during a divorce, I don't see how a pre-nuptial could hurt anyone.

I've had an American woman cancel the wedding because I wanted a pre-nup.. and I was ok with that... heartbroken, but figured it was for the best... you can have the pre-nup give her "x" amount, if the marriage fails, so she will have something if the marriage fails..

thinking,.. if she really loves me and the money doesn't matter, then she will sign it.... is the same as thinking,.. if he really loves me and the money doesn't matter, then he will not ask for one...

I did consider asking my fiancé to sign one... we did discuss it and she said then she has no reason to stay here if the marriage dooesnt work out so she would return home with whatever she arrived with... now, I do trust my sweetheart, and I believe what she says, so I will not ask her for a pre-nup... so I obviously Love and trust this woman more than the previous woman.. look for all those little red flags.. things that make you think.. Hmmmm...

you must decide what is best considering your circumstances...

I know the money doesn't matter in our relationship because my dad passing was something unforeseen and my mother is hopefully a long way off from that. However, I know that my dad and mom would not want their inheritance to be split with my husband were we ever to divorce, that isn't really the point of it. I don't like the spirit of the law in that regards and neither does my husband. So signing a document in which we both like the terms isn't a trust issue it is just us stating in plain legal language what we already believe would be just in the event of a breakup.

[lovelovelove13 9]

In my opinion:

Yes, for some filipina they will look at it as an insult but let me speak for myself only. If my future husband wants to have a prenup before our wedding I will give it to him for the reasons that I am not marrying him for his money and I do not have plans on leaving him in the future. Let's just put it this way, if you have clean intentions then you do not have to freak-out and feel insulted about that topic

[aaron2020 11,651]

I'm happy that my husband did not ask for a pre-nup agreement because if he did, I would not marry him. I don't have to prove my love for him by signing a pre-nup. And why would I marry a guy who is already think that it's possible that our marriage won't last a lifetime? The reason for marrying someone is to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. I only hear pre-nups when celebrities are getting married.

I understand that sometimes, it's hard to trust people like us coz they think that we just want the greencard or money. In my opinion, she was hurt coz she loves you. But like I said, it's hard to trust someone that you don't know that much. Explain everything to her and give her time to think and respect her decision about the matter. And give yourselves more time to know each other better before getting married

I'm so happy that Christ is the center of our relationship, that me and my husband vowed to love each other as Christ loved the church, that we saved ourselves just for each other...That's very special. Love is a commitment. If you love someone, you will choose to love him/her everyday, you will trust him/her, you will always forgive him/her for every wrong decision, you will accept him/her as a whole.

So it's your way or no way.

You wouldn't even have a rational discussion to address his concerns.

Guess God said to only worry about what you want and not care if your partner has concerns.

For those Filipinos who had divorces and annulments, guess God was never at the center of their relationships.

Edited February 4, 2013 by aaron2020

[nealxette 4]

For those Filipinos who had divorces and annulments, guess God was never at the center of their relationships.

I never said that. I was talking about my marriage and my beliefs.

My advice for the OP is on the 2nd paragraph of my previous comment.

And my husband did not ask neither talk about prenup. If ever he did, I would listen to him but I would stick with my beliefs. That's why I'm happy that we have the same beliefs, we know each other very much, and our marriage has a strong foundation.