Shoe on the OTHER foot!!???

[CentaursLady 4]

Ok Ok.. so I know that in so many topics that have been started, its assumed and often factual, that the beneficiary who comes into the US, has a vastly improved and better life. We see so many times that many from other countries come from vastly differnt living standards. They come to this new world, relearning many things and finding their "place" in this new society. Many are grateful and happy to be with the person they Love. There are a few that see it only as a ticket to get into this "fantasy" land to better everything in their lives to the expense of the person that brought them here in Love and hopes and dreams.

But I was thinking last couple days, what about the person that comes here to only benefit the US citizen? We dont often hear the side of how one comes here because the benificary will benefit the US citizen. Do any of you feel sometimes that you came here to end up putting forth MORE than the US citizen? Not that I dont communticate about balance with my partner, but sometimes I get the "feeling used" part and I am the beneficiary!! LOL

It is a hard adjustment no matter where your from, but being blessed to be born and raised in Canada, sometimes we feel being there has better benefits.

So I paid for most of all the paperwork, fees, travel and such on the K-1. With my savings in tow, I come down and I am paying for 95% of the wedding and as well as AOS coming up. I had a great job in Canada,moving up in a company, independant lifestyle, family, my own place, my son nearby, no one to look after but myself.. If I wanted cereal for dinner , then by dammit, thats what I'm eating! LOL. My daughter is 25 on her own with a major degree and career, my son, working in a great trade, making good money.

Now I am here, cooking every day, cleaning, and often paying for groceries and looking after partners 8 year old kid. He has to short sale his home because he made a hasty decision buying when prices were skyrocketing. (I wont bail him out since its not a place I want to live in.)

Before I came we agreed on having his kid every other weekend so that "WE" have a weekend to do things. But I am left with her on "HIS" weekends while he works. I made it clear that I am not raising kids again.. been there , done that.

He always complained how tired he was to do housework, because of how much his job takes out of him. ( to his defence, he works 10-14 hours a day, 6 days a week) I dont begrudge doing cooking, cleaning right now, but once I have my work permit... look out.. career again!

But right now some days just dont please me at all. I feel like im taken advantage of.

Any one else ever feel like the shoe is on the other foot?

[Calicolom 265]

If you feel used, get out, it does not get any better. He thinks you his Mail order bride.

[UK_Fan 192]

looks like you've been together for a long time and had plenty of time to discuss your issues. you are from canada, you had plenty of chances to spend more time together, maybe even live together for a couple months, as you did according to your signature, didn't you figure out what kind of fruit cake he is before you left everything behind?

honestly, if everything was as perfect back in Canada as you describe, i would have made the husband move there instead of coming over here.

[cdneh 3,112]

Wow. I love the way people judge. Nothing like 20/20 hindsight is there now.

[Confused 2 94]

If you keep focusing on 'benefits' that he got because of you and 'benefits' you did not get, you will never enjoy your marriage. There is only so much a USC can give up compared to the beneficiary who has to move. If every beneficiary starts to hold it against the USC, there won't be any happy, successful stories anymore.

You could try to not put conditions on everything and base your happiness off of that - Food, kids, independance, career, what I paid for versus what he paid for etc etc. Have you really even enjoyed the fact that you both are together, without the thought of how much you have put into it?? Did you really move here to benefit the USC with nothing in it for you?? If you really feel that then maybe you both need to have a talk on a lot more serious topic than the balance with your partner. You are not a young, teenager but a grown woman, get over yourself and start looking at your marriage as 2 people coming together. With your attitude, you will always feel taken advantage of in any relationship.

[LeftCoastLady 441]

So I paid for most of all the paperwork, fees, travel and such on the K-1. With my savings in tow, I come down and I am paying for 95% of the wedding and as well as AOS coming up.

The fact that you, as the beneficiary, are paying for the majority of the various fees and costs should have been a red alert. Was there discussion on that first and now you're feeling sour grapes, or was your fiancé not in a financial position to contribute as much to the process?

If either party -- the petitioner or the beneficiary -- feels as if moving to a new country means giving up more than it's worth*, then a) rethink who should move or b) talk more about what will happen before entering this process.

*And yes, moving to be with your loved one is definitely #1, but there are other pieces that should feel right as well since you still have a life to live outside the home.

[pddp 240]

No, I don't ever feel used or taken advantage of by my husband?! We are twins, soulmates, partners and happier together than either one of us could ever be if we were apart. Otherwise what would be the point??

It is obvious, though, that quality of life and standard of living are much higher in my country of origin, which is why I find it quite annoying when people act like being here must be some kind of a dream come true for me, or, better yet, this whole immigration process which every step of the way assumes that I'm trying to commit some kind of fraud to gain immigration "benefits"... Seriously, people..!

[CentaursLady 4]

Unfortunatly, partner is not in a financial state to help. (his ex took him back to court when she found out I was coming into the picture) and now has to pay double child support, and all his various financial obligations. At least he has a steady job with lots of overtime. We spend a ton of time together over the years, but lucky enough dont have any issues on communicating with 95% of things. He is a wonderful father to his child and has a wonderful family whom I get along great.

I think alot has to do with waiting for status so I can work. This is first time I have not worked in my life! We have so many plans for a new place and real vacations to take us places, but right now I dont like the "stay at home part" I would volunteer in a heartbeat, but live in the "boonies" and dont have a car yet.

The ONLY reason I am here is to be with him. Just some of the days tick tick by.

[LeftCoastLady 441]

If I'm reading your signature dates correctly, you've only been in the US for about a month, right? Enjoy the time off, network, read up on the various job opportunities to get an idea of what's available in your area.

Edited April 14, 2012 by LeftCoastLady

[Ban Hammer 12,861]

let's knock it off with the judgmental posts that can put the op on the defensive. thank you.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Well, I do understand exactly what you are feeling and going through. Like you, I moved as an older woman who had a well-established career, financial freedom and personal independence doing a job I LOVED to marry a man I loved - who was an American. We discussed the options of which country to live in and our choice was purely pragmatic. He owned a house - I rented; he had a job that paid 3 times mine, and the weather was nicer here - at least in Winter! . So, I moved to the US. Living in the US is nothing like living in Canada and the differences, while subtle, can be quite disturbing at times. People expect Canadians should be able to adapt and accommodate quickly because 'we are so much alike', but your first months here will prove to you how very, very different Canadian and American cultures are, and many won't understand that unless they have gone through it for themselves.

My husband also works long hours - out of the house from 6:30 am to 7 or 7:30 pm and often 'on call' overnight or on weekends when there is a deployment (software, not military). My first week here was basically on my own and fine,although I was nursing a sick cat who did not take the move very well. I was busy unpacking my belongings and getting settled in and taking care of the housework, cleaning and laundry since I was at home and my husband at work. It felt like a fair bargain - and it generally is, although while he generally gets weekends for himself, I never got a day off unless I didn't do something - so I started taking weekends off as well. So what if the dishes sit a day before being washed and so what if the house gets untidy. I'll deal with it on Monday. We will work on the yard together, or go out and do something together and just let the housework take care of itself. We share the cooking if we eat at home as he enjoys cooking too.

I really dislike housework as well, and there are things that annoy me. That is normal. There are things about me that annoy him too. For example, I was used to picking up after myself, of course, but it is different picking up after someone else - and my husband basically leaves everything where it drops - milk on the counter; shoes in the middle of the floor; empty envelopes and packages on the middle of the table; dishes by the sofa, books and magazines everywhere. At first I was really annoyed - and then realized that he is set enough in his ways and he isn't going to change. I could make myself unhappy and complain - or I could just do it and get it done. Of course, now he complains he can't find anything - but I have made myself indispensable - I know where it is .

You have been here for a month and you have been thrown head-first into a life style that really is alien to what you knew before - and is different that what you expected and were promisied. That is a big deal.It doesn't help that you are also being financially responsible for much of the household and all of the immigration expenses, and that does seem unbalanced. I can appreciate that you feel used - and I suspect, unappreciated for the sacrifices you have made by moving here. Many Americans don't understand that. I do think this is something that you need to discuss with your husband. He is breathing a sigh of relief that you are here picking up the slack and extra work that he used to have to do - but I doubt he has told you how important that is to him and how grateful he is. This is why you need to start talking with each other. You may want to see 'how permanent' is the current situation is with the child. If it is expected to change in a few months, then this is one of the compromises (and yes, you are making a lot) that comes with a relationship. If not, then you need to re-negotiate that 'condition'.

The first year of marriage is always the hardest. Throw in a complete change of environment, along with giving up everything that you have known and are familiar with, and it becomes very stressful. There is definitely a sense of loss when you move from an environment in which you were better off to one where things are not as good - and that is what has happened to you. The saving grace is supposed to be the mutual love and support you have with your husband, but you would be very unrealistic to expect that this will be enough to compensate. This is where the evolution of the relationship comes in. Hopefully your husband - who is also making adjustments - and you will be able to talk about each of your 'expectations'. It does sound like his expectations and yours are not quite on the same page. That is very common - and normal - in the first year of marriage, and is basically one of the concerns that gets discussed and 'negotiated' (yes, a relationship has to depend on negotiations with each partner looking at what the other needs as well as what they themselves need and want). I entered this relationship with what I thought were 'open eyes' but there is no way to prepare completely for such an absolute change in your life. Sometimes there are deal-breakers that can't be worked around, but you are the only one who will know that.

It is hard for many Americans to understand that life in the US is not always the be all and end all. I often think that those of us who come from first world countries and move to the US for the sake of our spouses often give up far more than many people realize. I know that in the Canada forum many of us have discussed a type of 'mourning' we go through for what we have lost, especially before we are able to appreciate fully what we are gaining in exchange. The love of a partner isn't always enough. You need to try and re-invent your life now, finding acceptable compromises and replacements for what you had in Canada and don't have here. You can't compare them one on one because they just don't line up that way. You won't find in the US what you had in Canada; you won't have the familiarity of the past upon which to build, but you may find lots of excellent opportunities for something totally different here in the US as you create a new life for yourself which may resemble the former but will not be the same. It is like having two separate lives in the same lifetime. It's not for everyone, but it can work if both partners are willing to work it out.

Good luck.

Edited April 14, 2012 by Kathryn41

[torontogal4388 20]

What a wonderful post Kathryn! Very sage advice.

I too am paying all of the expense of the immigration and have borne the economic burden on much else as well as I am the higher earner. I am concerned about those first six months once I get there, and I often, even now, get the feeling that my husband cannot begin to comprehend the emotional and economic cost all of this has created. He has a bad back and so, as well, I do the 7 hour drives each way every two weeks until this process is through. I at times don't think anyone recognizes the toll that takes either LOL.

We did have one serious blow-out in the fall over the "Aren't you lucky to come to wonderful USA" - some from him, but a huge amount from his mother. I'd had enough and blew. I made it perfectly clear the only reason I was coming to the US was to be with my dearest. That, in fact, I was coming from in many respects a far better economic world and a far better world in so many other respects. I love the Americans but at times find their myopia more than a little disturbing LOL.

I think the original poster needs to focus on the "donut and not the hole". You will go through a massive roller-coaster of feelings for at least six months perhaps even a year until you get your sea legs under you. Just remember how precious your love is for each other and remember too he can't possibly understand what you are going through. Post here and get your venting and support with people who do know. Rely on this group to get you through - otherwise you will create impressions with your family and friends, you new family and your husband as well, that will damage or taint your lovely future together.

[sheeshkabelle 153]

Kathryn said it beautifully.

I can sympathize. I will tell you the perspective from the left shoe.. After we were first married I went to Canada.

Most Americans know next to nothing, except that Canadians play a lot of hockey, drink beer, and end sentences with "eh?". I was no exception. I moved from a very very small town in Tennessee. (I grew up in an even smaller town!) No public transportation, 45 minute drive to get to the grocery store, you knew everyone, everyone knew you... Then I was slammed, smack dab into a city of a million and a half people.

I was excited at my new life, until I wandered out our front door on my own.

Everything is different, but yet the same.

I was confused with the traffic patterns and the sideways stop lights (I found out later that's an Alberta anomaly)

Where's the interstate?! Why am I stopped at a light on a major hi-way in the middle of no where?! And no, Deer Foot doesn't count Calgary.

The twenty five pounds of coins always in my purse, and people really don't like you to pay for $50 worth of stuff in toonies and loonies!

The pretty monopoly inspired money.

The vinegar and gravy on french fries.

You want me to pay HOW MUCH for a pack of cigarettes?!

It still takes me 45 minutes to go to the grocery store on a Friday afternoon. But the store is only 8 miles away..

I won't get into the social, political and economical side of it.

This strange and beautiful place confused the hell out of me. I missed my old life, my old job, my old comforts. It stressed me out and it effected our marriage. I was SO homesick. (I did leave my kids behind with their father, with the plan of bringing them to Calgary after I had PR and a job.)

We were arguing over the stupidest things. "WHY did you leave a glass in the living room?!" "Well, why are you're socks on the bathroom floor?!" He worked 12 hour days six days a week, and I cooked, cleaned and did the laundry. After a month I felt just like you do. "Well, I guess he only brought me here to be his maid and keep his bed warm!"

My mother in law (of all people) made us sit down and talk! He didn't realize how home sick I was, how stressful and confusing Canada was to me. I gave it my best, he started pitching in on Sunday's. In the end it wasn't him, it was me. I wanted to go home. He decided he could live in Po-dunk Tennessee.

For us to file for him, he had to pay all the filing fees, he will have to pay to move. Everything will be up to him. After I came home, I went back to doing contract work for my uncle's company, and became a full time student. I had children and the house payment and the bills here. He makes substantially more money than I do. We didn't even discuss who was going to pay what. Maybe it's a little different since we are married. We both had to make sacrifices to be together.

Love is not enough. I don't care what anyone says. It takes mutual respect, responsibility and compromise. I worry to death if my husband will be happy here. He will have the same adjustments I had, plus some, but this time I can understand and sympathize. Hopefully that will make his adjustment a little easier.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Any one else ever feel like the shoe is on the other foot?

I too got the "Aren't you SO happy you get to live in the US?"... um no? i don't really think about it. I'm not "living in the US", I'm "living with my husband". I am living away from my family and instead closer to his family who are (the vast majority are) bad people. My personal income is non-existent at the moment but even when I was working it was about half what I was earning back home. Yes the cost of living is lower here but I read a post just the other day were the lady was talking about how much financially better they are now (after many many years) and it got me thinking actually we're WORSE off. I'm sure it'll get better but there you go.

I don't hate living here (anymore ) but it doesn't mean I LOVE living here, I'm pretty ambivalent about it actually. It doesn't mean I should "go home" (like is so often said in reply to these kinds of posts). In fact I've had people get pretty insulting if I don't say I love it here. They get this curl of distaste on their lip... like I'm this selfish self-absorbed immigrant who doesn't realise how lucky I am. I had a GMIL tell me I didn't know anything about how AMERICAN bread behaved in the fridge (it goes stale like all other bread!) because I "wasn't American". I get my words corrected (sometimes quite nastily) and I once made a FB note listing the different words/things and my SIL called me ignorant for thinking that American's "didn't know" particular words. I never said they didn't, I said it's just not the word they use... man.. some people get quite angry so I'm on tenderhooks until I know what a certain person is like.

The above poster talks about how the opinion of the "other country" is. Tony's never been to Aus (just not financially viable at the moment) so his opinion is Crocodile Dundee and Mad Max.. that's what he thinks Australia and Australian's are like There are no taxis in this town, no public transport. It's a bike or a vehicle.

This is a little bit of a sexual stereotype but I've noticed from reading here and other forums that it's typically the women that have the hardest time adjusting. I think it's just because we're more emotional creatures.

My husband has given up stuff by me moving here. His income now goes towards the mortgage and other bills. Before I came (and before we got together) he was building a truck (he still has it in the garage but no movement on it for a while). He doesn't spend as much time with his friends or go out drinking/partying (and one friend in particular likes to point that out). He probably would have stayed in Houston and moved in with another friend down there... instead we moved up to Iowa to be closer to his (then not so bad) family. Those are different things to what I gave up but he still sacrificed as well and I notice and acknowledge that. He feels bad that his family are such a disappointment and that I miss my friends/family but you know, gotta grow up sometime. Luckily for me mum is visiting in August for my birthday (her first international trip) and I am SUPER excited. I actually still get teary thinking about how awesome it will be to have her here and finally seeing for herself what it's like here (and meeting her fur-grandbabies ).

Sometimes I don't notice that permanent ache of homesickness in the back of my mind/heart and sometimes I do. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I don't. I don't think that feeling will ever truly go away. I think it will fade more and more with time and then on days like Australia Day I'll be sobbing like a child while singing the National Anthem and other Aussie tunes. Sometimes you just need that.

Edited April 14, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[CentaursLady 4]

I really dislike housework as well, and there are things that annoy me. That is normal. There are things about me that annoy him too. For example, I was used to picking up after myself, of course, but it is different picking up after someone else - and my husband basically leaves everything where it drops - milk on the counter; shoes in the middle of the floor; empty envelopes and packages on the middle of the table; dishes by the sofa, books and magazines everywhere. At first I was really annoyed - and then realized that he is set enough in his ways and he isn't going to change. I could make myself unhappy and complain - or I could just do it and get it done. Of course, now he complains he can't find anything - but I have made myself indispensable - I know where it is .

LOL you had me so laugh at this one!! ITS SO TRUE!! I have cleaned up a TON of paperwork he leaves all over the place and put everything listed in an organizer...Then he STILL asks where something is!

Thanks Kathyrn. You pretty much nailed what was in my head. There are subtle differences here, but still noticable to us that are new to itall.

Most Americans know next to nothing, except that Canadians play a lot of hockey, drink beer, and end sentences with "eh?". I was no exception. I moved from a very very small town in Tennessee. (I grew up in an even smaller town!) No public transportation, 45 minute drive to get to the grocery store, you knew everyone, everyone knew you... Then I was slammed, smack dab into a city of a million and a half people.

I went to exact opposite to you! Came from a big city with excellent public trans. I could do anything and go anywhere. Now I am in a small town where it takes over two hours by bus to nearest shopping district where it only takes 10 min by car! jeez!!

You guys made me feel much better (the latter posts, at least, )

I am lucky enough to say, we have not had one fight or argument since we have been together. My guy is rather passive as I am and we like peace and quiet in the home. We went out for a great dinner tonight (first one since the drive down here a month ago) and talked about all this stuff. He feels bad for "taking" me away from all that I knew and loved. I assured him that there was only one reason for me to do all that I have done so far, and it was only to be with him. And us women ARE more emotional when it comes to these things, only because we analize things, past, present and future. Learn from the past, make the best of today, and do some planning for a bright future. Its just hard sometimes when your seeing those dirty socks on the nightstand where you put fresh flowers.