TBoneTX

Good fortune and persistence -- and heed Daphne!

WNBA Players Forced To Supplement Incomes During Offseason By Cheerleading For NBA Teams MINNEAPOLIS—Grabbing their pom-poms before heading out to pump up the crowd, several WNBA players confirmed Thursday that they have been forced to supplement their incomes during the offseason by cheerleading for NBA teams. "With the season over, everyone in the league is scrambling to make ends meet by [...] https://theonion.com/wnba-players-forced-to-supplement-incomes-during-offseason-by-cheerleading-for-nba-teams/

'You're The Bonnie To My Clyde,' Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey WASHINGTON—Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned Thanksgiving turkey "You're the Bonnie to my Clyde" on Monday before running off with it and disappearing over the horizon. "It's us against the world now, turkey," said the commander-in-chief, grabbing [...] https://theonion.com/youre-the-bonnie-to-my-clyde-says-biden-running-off-with-pardoned-turkey/

Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog TORONTO—Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference between meteoroids and meteorites Thursday, struggling to describe what had just killed his dog. "God, I always forgot which one is the kind that actually hits the ground, if that's even the difference, so I'm not sure what just crushed Churro," said Nieto, explaining that the [...] https://theonion.com/man-forgetting-difference-between-meteoroid-meteorite-struggles-to-describe-what-just-killed-his-dog/

NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth WASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. "We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled by intelligent beings via a sort of joystick," said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who [...] https://theonion.com/nasa-potential-link-between-extraterrestrials-giant-metal-claw-picking-up-earth/

Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely incredible single day of retirement. "By the time most people leave the workforce, they'll have accrued the necessary funds to live it up like an absolute god for 24 hours, enjoying [...] https://theonion.com/report-most-americans-have-enough-saved-for-absolutely-incredible-single-day-of-retirement/

Sweating RFK Jr. Performs Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac From Stomach NEW YORK—After being forced to eat McDonald’s on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. "I have to cut the McDonald's out before it attacks my other organs," said the nominee for secretary of health and human services, taking a [...] https://theonion.com/sweating-rfk-jr-performs-self-surgery-to-extract-big-mac-from-stomach/

Oklahoma Law Requires Ten Commandments To Be Displayed In Every Womb OKLAHOMA CITY—In an effort to provide all developing fetuses in the state with a thorough grounding in Judeo-Christian values, a new bill was signed into law Tuesday that requires the Ten Commandments to be displayed in every womb in Oklahoma. "With this landmark law mandating the Ten Commandments be hung on every pregnant woman's uterine wall, Oklahoma pushes back against attempts to secularize our wombs," said Gov. Kevin Stitt, explaining that the law will [...] https://theonion.com/oklahoma-law-requires-ten-commandments-to-be-displayed-in-every-womb/

Are You An Alcoholic? Look For These Warning Signs [...] Here are nine signs to look for when determining if you are an alcoholic: • Your sentences often don't make sense. - If you find yourself saying things like "the significance of the passage of time" or "space connects us all," you might want to seek help. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/are-you-an-alcoholic-look-for-these-warning-signs

Excited Lobbyists Line Up Outside Capitol For Doorbuster Deals On Congressmen WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen. In order to create buzz and draw in more potential customers, Congress announced special Black Friday prices on all its members, causing crowds of lobbyists to arrive early to score killer deals on their favorite items. "You have to bribe early to get the best prices," said Fred Drummond, a lobbyist for several large pharmaceutical companies. "Last year, [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/excited-lobbyists-line-up-outside-capitol-for-early-bird-deals-on-congressmen

In Huge Black Friday Deal, Dyson Vacuum On Sale For Just $7,000 [...] According to several surprised early Christmas shoppers, the price of the high-end vacuum had been slashed to just $6,999.99 from its normal price of just under $10,000.00. Consumers said Dyson vacuums hadn't ever been this cheap before, leading them to jump on the deal. "Oh my goodness, just $7000? For a Dyson?" asked Melinda Jones, a Cincinnati resident, upon finding out about the sale. "Jeff, cancel that mortgage payment — we might finally be able to afford a Dyson vacuum after all! Hallelujah... you've got to love Black Friday." [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/in-huge-black-friday-deal-dyson-vacuum-on-sale-for-just-7000

All Other MLB Teams Forced To Forfeit As Dodgers Sign Every Baseball Player In Existence LOS ANGELES, CA — It's official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion contract. According to sources across the country, the Dodgers extended the astronomical contract offer to every single player who has ever laid a finger on a baseball, including [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/all-other-mlb-teams-forced-to-forfeit-as-dodgers-sign-every-baseball-player-in-existence

And they're already screaming like stuck pigs.

As is his fat head.

Thrilling Friday-on-Saturday non-GS/ES report, see man: Lunch was a turkey-&-cheese sandwich, ingest we man. Dragged ourself to the ESs/GS in the cold weather, we hate winter man. Stopped at Costco Business Center for 2 items, returned with Many (2+2) man. We completely forgot a Many'rd needed item, and we man. Upon return, a siesta was taken, zzz we man. Din-din was ex-Mrs.-T-B.'s leftovers, ingest we and just as good now as then man. Spent hour on phone with Mama T-B., instruct senior she man we man man. Established Saturday rendezvous with Many-year-old chica*, socialize we man. *not a rubia, no and sigh man Ministered to ultra-demanding miu, brush feed treat re-brush demanding miu we man. Got requested info to doc, collect data Dr. he man on we man man. Must hit Aldi on Saturday, si man. Must see chica on Saturday, see man. No party with the rubias tonight, no cavort we man. And that was/is our thrilling Friday, report we man.

Friday GS/ES report, see man: We itineraried 2 ESs and a GS, itinerary we man. The first ES was phantom, truly awful and vague advertising and man. The GS and second ES yielded nothing, no take and oh well at least our weekly streak is intact man. Total = $0

Great story and upvoted despite multiple, blatant P-Math errors, si and man. Is ex-wife also a rubia, score twice you man? You guess, huh man?

Gracias, si and sigh man. Have a Many-year-old chica to see tomorrow, take to mall and watch spend money man.

Man Does His Part To Prepare For Thanksgiving By Not Going Into Kitchen So He Won't Be In The Way GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving meal preparations this year: staying out of the kitchen so his wife, Carla, could actually get things done. Collings successfully did his part by not going into the kitchen at all, just playing around on his smartphone, and "generally making himself scarce," according to sources. "I'm not a hero or anything," he told reporters as he [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/man-does-his-part-to-prepare-for-thanksgiving-meal-by-not-going-into-kitchen-and-staying-out-of-the-way

Remembering Rush Limbaugh's 'First Thanksgiving' Story You Didn't Learn in School While we celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends, we will also remember the Thanksgivings of our past—the ones of our childhood and the ones when our parents were still with us. But there is another Thanksgiving tradition that conservatives might have forgotten. It involves the great Rush Limbaugh. It has been almost four years since he left us, and I am confident that I speak for many when I say I miss him daily. As he always did, Rush educated us daily, even at Thanksgiving. Every year, he told the story of the first Thanksgiving, but he told the parts of the story that were left out. [...] https://redstate.com/beckynoble/2024/11/28/rush-limbaugh-and-the-true-story-of-the-first-thanksgiving-n2182584

VDH nails it on X! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Fumes of the 2024 Election Three weeks after the election and the fallout from it, we are starting to appreciate the clarity of the vote. It explains much of the present, the past, and the future. Consider the following: 1. Even Donald Trump’s enemies are beginning, albeit sheepishly and begrudgingly, to concede he proved indestructible in a way they never imagined. [...] https://x.com/VDHanson/status/1861875869608026218

Angry, deranged liberal viewpoints. See also the letter below this screed! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somehow, Americans Are Liking Trump Better Every Day [...] Then there's the extra-governmental Department of Government Efficiency, which has Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy—tech bros without portfolio who are equal parts clueless and ethically conflicted—claiming a mandate to hack away at one-third of the federal budget and 75 percent of the government workforce. Looking out at this new model army of boodlers and craven sycophants and professing optimism and excitement is something like promoting Deadpool v. Wolverine for a best-picture Oscar nomination. [...] https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/trump-approval-ratings/

A fascinating analysis. Comments? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trump's plan to drain the swamp: Washington's vested interests are rattled You would be hard pressed to find a bar in Washington D.C. where you'd find a group of people as ideologically diverse as Donald Trump's cabinet. He's got Tea Party veterans mingling with a Kennedy, a Teamsters ally, George Soros's "protege", and the former vice-chair of the Democratic Party. And, yet, on the surface at least, D.C. is uncharacteristically calm. Some anti-abortion groups are agitating about Trump's decision to nominate Robert F. Kennedy Jr to head up the Department of Health and Human Services, but on the Right, nothing inside the conservative movement resembles a "freak out" at all right now. "It's the end of Trump Derangement Syndrome," says one insider, reflecting on the feverish resistance movement that sprang into action after the President-elect's 2016 win, creating an arms race for anti-Trump donor cash and media attention. While there's some "grumbling" about Kennedy and Trump's pro-union pick for Labor Secretary, nobody wants to "step on the vibes", one senior activist tells me. [...] https://unherd.com/2024/11/how-trump-will-drain-the-swamp/

Ignore the hysteria: Trump's deportations will be an outbreak of lawfulness There is about to be an outbreak of lawfulness in the United States, and Democrats and the press can't handle it. President-elect Donald Trump's talk of "mass deportation" is being treated as a clear and present danger to the American order that blue jurisdictions need to mobilize to stop. Gov. JB Pritzker of Illinois has vowed, "I am going to do everything that I can to protect our undocumented immigrants." [...] https://nypost.com/2024/11/26/opinion/ignore-the-hysteria-trumps-deportations-will-simply-enforce-the-law/

Happy Thanksgiving (and Turkey Coma) to all, si man. Happy Czolwulracyzyzyzk Day* in Poland, oj tak! *combined Columbus & St. Patrick's Day, oj tak Post stories about your din-din here, see man.