Getting Divorce on Conditional GC

[ENGUEE 0]

Hello!

 

I’m hoping I can get some insights here about my situation.

 

My wife and I have been together since Dec/2018, we got married in Feb/20 and I got my conditional GC on Mar/21 and now she's talking about getting a divorce.

Everything seemed to be fine until we moved in together back Jan/20, then I started realized that her mood would flip for no reason. Initially I thought it was related to COVID, since we suddenly got stuck home 24/7, but then I realized that were some issues going on. She never told me about her mental issues, that she was under depression and anxiety medication until early this. She managed to hide all medications she was taking from me and also hide her visits to the psychiatrist.

 

Things started getting a bit worse when I started talking about having kids. I mentioned a couple of times that I would like to have kids when we were dating and engaged, but she never explicitly said she does not want to have kids until a couple of months ago. She said for her it's overwhelming to take care of herself and she will not be able to handle taking care of kids, and she also said it's been exhausting even to have me in the house every day.

 

I feel bad, because I did not engage in a relationship and have invested a lot... emotional-wise and timewise... for this. I'm against divorce and believe that we should work this out... even though she kept me in the dark about her health situation, I forgive her... she said she was embarrassed and did not want me to think she was kind of crazy.

 

Anyways, she said this is not working for her and said we should separate... I suggested about us getting a couple counseling sessions, but she refused. She does not want to harm me, though, with my immigration process. She recommended us to separate until I get my definitive GC, and then get a divorce. I tried everything I can to make it work, but she's not willing to, so I don't know what else to do.

 

She realizes that I've given up a lot of things for this relationship, even a good job in The Netherlands because she was not willing to move to Europe. She also does not want to harm me with my GC process since we both tried to make it work, but it's not working.

 

February will be our 2nd year marriage anniversary, and I'm not sure how I should proceed with this. She said she'll do everything she can for me to get my definitive GC, but not sure if I should keep with my marriage or get a divorce now and apply to remove conditional on my GC by myself.

 

Does any have any thoughts on this? I would like to know how difficult it would be to prove bona fide and what would be the likelihood of getting it denied.

 

We've been filling taxes together, I have her under my insurance through my company... life insurance, 401-K, etc... I have statements of all her visits to doctors... I'm pretty sure she would do a statement saying that we engaged in a bona fide marriage, but it did not workout.

 

Thank you.

[mushroomspore 3,044]

24 minutes ago, ENGUEE said:

Hello!

 

I’m hoping I can get some insights here about my situation.

 

My wife and I have been together since Dec/2018, we got married in Feb/20 and I got my conditional GC on Mar/21 and now she's talking about getting a divorce.

Everything seemed to be fine until we moved in together back Jan/20, then I started realized that her mood would flip for no reason. Initially I thought it was related to COVID, since we suddenly got stuck home 24/7, but then I realized that were some issues going on. She never told me about her mental issues, that she was under depression and anxiety medication until early this. She managed to hide all medications she was taking from me and also hide her visits to the psychiatrist.

 

Things started getting a bit worse when I started talking about having kids. I mentioned a couple of times that I would like to have kids when we were dating and engaged, but she never explicitly said she does not want to have kids until a couple of months ago. She said for her it's overwhelming to take care of herself and she will not be able to handle taking care of kids, and she also said it's been exhausting even to have me in the house every day.

 

I feel bad, because I did not engage in a relationship and have invested a lot... emotional-wise and timewise... for this. I'm against divorce and believe that we should work this out... even though she kept me in the dark about her health situation, I forgive her... she said she was embarrassed and did not want me to think she was kind of crazy.

 

Anyways, she said this is not working for her and said we should separate... I suggested about us getting a couple counseling sessions, but she refused. She does not want to harm me, though, with my immigration process. She recommended us to separate until I get my definitive GC, and then get a divorce. I tried everything I can to make it work, but she's not willing to, so I don't know what else to do.

 

She realizes that I've given up a lot of things for this relationship, even a good job in The Netherlands because she was not willing to move to Europe. She also does not want to harm me with my GC process since we both tried to make it work, but it's not working.

 

February will be our 2nd year marriage anniversary, and I'm not sure how I should proceed with this. She said she'll do everything she can for me to get my definitive GC, but not sure if I should keep with my marriage or get a divorce now and apply to remove conditional on my GC by myself.

 

Does any have any thoughts on this? I would like to know how difficult it would be to prove bona fide and what would be the likelihood of getting it denied.

 

We've been filling taxes together, I have her under my insurance through my company... life insurance, 401-K, etc... I have statements of all her visits to doctors... I'm pretty sure she would do a statement saying that we engaged in a bona fide marriage, but it did not workout.

 

Thank you.

Really sorry to hear and I applaud you for suggesting couples counseling. However, if she is not open to it, there is nothing you can do about that. I'm also really sorry about the children thing. It's one of the major relationship deal-breakers (others deal-breakers are things like life goals, belief systems, etc). As in, there is no compromise over it. If a couple are not exactly on the same page about those "big issues", then the relationship can't really survive unfortunately because it means that one person will be forever unhappy. Children are irreversible, so if someone does not want children, they obviously should not be forced into having children. However, on the flip side, people who want children should also not be forced to remain child-less if they really want to start a family and they know that that will make them happy., While I understand that you are "against divorce", you should also really be looking at the current state of your relationship with open eyes here. You and your wife want opposite things here, both for valid reasons. There isn't really a functional relationship when you guys want opposite things. Staying together will only lead to further dysfunction, especially when she has plainly said it's no longer working for her.

 

As difficult as it is to say, the best bet is to start the divorce process and update your I-751 to a divorce waiver. Keep all pertinent paperwork and evidence that you have lived together, the taxes, insurance, etc. USCIS is familiar with this scenario as it happens all the time and the denial rate for I-751 is extremely low (I think it's 2% or less and those cases were probably already under investigation for fraud anyways). The only extra thing you have to do is send in the divorce waiver when it comes through. 

[Marieke H 2,523]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

If you are sure that you will be divorcing anyway (she seems to have her mind made up), I would not postpone that. If you separate now, file a joint I-751 in early 2023 when you  will be eligible to file, you may end up having an interview sometime in 2024/2025 if your interview is not waived. Who knows if she would still be willing to support you and go to the interview with you.

 

If you file for divorce now, you can file the I-751 with the divorce waiver as soon as you have your divorce degree.

[Mike E 11,742]

I will be the (conditional) contrarian. Did you have an I-485 interview? If not take her up on her offer to not start divorce  proceedings until after you get your ten year green card. At the I-751 interview you two must be candid with the IO that marriage is having problems and a divorce is probable 

 

Otherwise file for divorce now. 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Mike E

[ENGUEE 0]

2 hours ago, mushroomspore said:

Really sorry to hear and I applaud you for suggesting couples counseling. However, if she is not open to it, there is nothing you can do about that. I'm also really sorry about the children thing. It's one of the major relationship deal-breakers (others deal-breakers are things like life goals, belief systems, etc). As in, there is no compromise over it. If a couple are not exactly on the same page about those "big issues", then the relationship can't really survive unfortunately because it means that one person will be forever unhappy. Children are irreversible, so if someone does not want children, they obviously should not be forced into having children. However, on the flip side, people who want children should also not be forced to remain child-less if they really want to start a family and they know that that will make them happy., While I understand that you are "against divorce", you should also really be looking at the current state of your relationship with open eyes here. You and your wife want opposite things here, both for valid reasons. There isn't really a functional relationship when you guys want opposite things. Staying together will only lead to further dysfunction, especially when she has plainly said it's no longer working for her.

 

As difficult as it is to say, the best bet is to start the divorce process and update your I-751 to a divorce waiver. Keep all pertinent paperwork and evidence that you have lived together, the taxes, insurance, etc. USCIS is familiar with this scenario as it happens all the time and the denial rate for I-751 is extremely low (I think it's 2% or less and those cases were probably already under investigation for fraud anyways). The only extra thing you have to do is send in the divorce waiver when it comes through. 

I never thought I would be going through this and regardless of how much I want her to get better, she's the first one who should wants it in the first place. I think her depression, anxiety and social anxiety disorder are the main cause of our problems but she refuses to get proper treatment and do a therapy. I feel bad because I really love her and it hurts me to see her going through this mostly by herself because she doesn't want to let me in.

 

2 hours ago, Marieke H said:

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

If you are sure that you will be divorcing anyway (she seems to have her mind made up), I would not postpone that. If you separate now, file a joint I-751 in early 2023 when you  will be eligible to file, you may end up having an interview sometime in 2024/2025 if your interview is not waived. Who knows if she would still be willing to support you and go to the interview with you.

 

If you file for divorce now, you can file the I-751 with the divorce waiver as soon as you have your divorce degree.

I'm willing to try other things, but she's not... she keeps saying she always took care of herself and doesn't need anyone... she says she doesn't want to be a burden in my life especially because she knows how much I want to have kids... I always wanted 2-3 kids, and I even said about having just one but she's said it's a big no... she thought she would think differently about having kids, but she thinks she wasn't born to have kids.

 

1 hour ago, Mike E said:

I will be the (conditional) contrarian. Did you have an I-485 interview? If not take her up on her offer to not start divorce  proceedings until after you get your ten year green card. At the I-751 interview you two must be candid with the IO that marriage is having problems and a divorce is probable 

 

Otherwise file for divorce now. 

 

We had our interview for my conditional GC in earlier this year and it was approved on the same day... I got a notification 2 hours after the interview.

[Mike E 11,742]

31 minutes ago, ENGUEE said:

.

 

We had our interview for my conditional GC in earlier this year and it was approved on the same day... I got a notification 2 hours after the interview.

Since it is unlikely you will get an I-751 interview, file for divorce now.  Try to get a divorce decree before your I-751 expires.  

Edited December 6, 2021 by Mike E

[ENGUEE 0]

1 hour ago, Mike E said:

Since it is unlikely you will get an I-751 interview, file for divorce now.  Try to get a divorce decree before your I-751 expires.  

If it's very unlikely that I will get an I-751 interview, wouldn't be better wait for the 10-year GC. Just wondering what would be the safest option.

[Mike E 11,742]

3 hours ago, ENGUEE said:

If it's very unlikely that I will get an I-751 interview, wouldn't be better wait for the 10-year GC. Just wondering what would be the safest option.

If you don’t file I-751 you won’t get a 10 year green card.  Instead you will eventually get deported. 
 

You need to file for divorce, get a divorce decree, and then file I-751 with the divorce waiver. 

[da95826 387]

3 hours ago, ENGUEE said:

If it's very unlikely that I will get an I-751 interview, wouldn't be better wait for the 10-year GC. Just wondering what would be the safest option.

If you are not going to live together as a married couple the safest thing to do is to get a divorce as soon as possible. USCIS routinely approves i751 divorce waiver cases with proof that the marriage was entered in good faith and ended with divorce. You only need the good faith marriage proof and your final divorce decree to be approved. 

 

If you separate from your spouse and don’t let USCIS know you can run into issues with USCIS about misresention. If USCIS suspects you are not together with your spouse with a joint i751 filed without a good reason your i751 may be denied.

[PaulaCJohnny 713]

If you lied about your situation just for get the remove of conditions filled joint will be considered fraud. Don’t do it.

You can still be in the US and file for your ROC without her. 
And please read this post…

 

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by PaulaCJohnny

[USC4SPOUSE 506]

@ENGUEE

Sorry you're going through. You will come out of this a stronger person. I just wanted to add that you will need evidence of bona fide marriage since the date of your marriage. Follow the I-751 instructions verbatim. You need evidence since the date of your marriage until the time you file. USCIS does not really care why you divorced. Irreconcilable differences is enough. 

To be clear, there will be overlap between the evidence you submitted for AOS and the evidence you will submit to remove conditions. That is fine. As redundant as it may seem, just submit it again. Here is a nice example of a solid Joint I-571 filing. https://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/699699-i-751-march-2019-filers/ Scroll down to the second post. 

 

You will be fine. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I would not recommend filing jointly and then switching to a waiver. Others have done that and sometimes the spouse flips on them or send a letter, whatever, Print out or save to pdfs all the evidence you need, get her to sign the divorce papers and find a space of your own. 

 

All the best to you.

 

[Dashinka 24,741]

I feel bad for your situation as well.  Since you just got your CGC in March 2021, and you will not have to file the I751 until December 2022/January 2023, and considering the marriage seems beyond repair (I applaud your suggestion of counseling), I would file for the divorce now which would likely be finalized well before you even have to file the I751.  Make sure you keep all the evidence of the marital union, etc.

 

Again sorry for the issues you are facing, but Good Luck!

[mam521 2,153]

19 hours ago, ENGUEE said:

I never thought I would be going through this and regardless of how much I want her to get better, she's the first one who should wants it in the first place. I think her depression, anxiety and social anxiety disorder are the main cause of our problems but she refuses to get proper treatment and do a therapy. I feel bad because I really love her and it hurts me to see her going through this mostly by herself because she doesn't want to let me in.

 

I'm willing to try other things, but she's not... she keeps saying she always took care of herself and doesn't need anyone... she says she doesn't want to be a burden in my life especially because she knows how much I want to have kids... I always wanted 2-3 kids, and I even said about having just one but she's said it's a big no... she thought she would think differently about having kids, but she thinks she wasn't born to have kids.

As a person who shares 2 children with a person who has mental health challenges that ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship, please understand that in this moment, she doesn't understand how not good she is, so she is incapable of "wanting to get better" because she doesn't fully understand what that means. She doesn't understand what it's like to wake up and just be ready to take on the challenges life tosses at her like you are.  Every single day is a struggle for her in ways that you cannot begin to fathom.  It's like chronic pain, but of a type a "normal" person could never imagine.  

 

If you are still in a position of influence in her life, you may need to find her different doctors or even consider an in patient program.  A common misconception is you take a medication and it alleviates the symptoms.  Unfortunately, that's only part of it.  It can take a very long time to find the correct combinations of medications to get someone with imbalanced brain chemistry to a balanced state and more often than not, the patient gives up before that happens.  The other caveat is that there are no guarantees that that particular combination of medications is going to work indefinitely.  There's a higher likelihood that they won't, and tweaks along the way will be required.  If she's been dealing with this her entire life, this is where she's at - she doesn't have much hope and she's probably doing more surviving than actual living. It's easier to push you out and away because she's not tasted the success of a proper combination of medications and therapy that have made her actually feel good and to want to be better.  She's riddled with guilt because she knows she's not normal but doesn't know how to be normal and doesn't want to drag you down with her.  It's seemingly irrational thinking to "normal" people, but she has no other baseline reference to base her thinking on.  

 

People with mental health disorders need the village to really help them out.  If your partner is suffering, you've never seen her at her best.  If you can find a way in and advocate to help her reach her best, you'll meet an entirely different person.  She'll also meet an entirely different person in herself because she's never felt "good", let alone "great".  Once she's there, she'll need the village to help her stay on track because many, many people with these disorders finally feel great and then decide because they feel great that they don't need their medications anymore when really, that's when they need them the most.  

 

If you really cannot work through the parts of the marriage at the moment, take the divorce and file accordingly.  There's no harm in that.  You could always rekindle your relationship at a later date.  But if this is the major stressor, do what needs to be done in the best interests of everyone in the moment and that does include yourself and not jeopardizing your status.  

 

Sorry for the soap box!  

[Chocobo 196]

3 hours ago, mam521 said:

As a person who shares 2 children with a person who has mental health challenges that ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship, please understand that in this moment, she doesn't understand how not good she is, so she is incapable of "wanting to get better" because she doesn't fully understand what that means. She doesn't understand what it's like to wake up and just be ready to take on the challenges life tosses at her like you are.  Every single day is a struggle for her in ways that you cannot begin to fathom.  It's like chronic pain, but of a type a "normal" person could never imagine.  

 

If you are still in a position of influence in her life, you may need to find her different doctors or even consider an in patient program.  A common misconception is you take a medication and it alleviates the symptoms.  Unfortunately, that's only part of it.  It can take a very long time to find the correct combinations of medications to get someone with imbalanced brain chemistry to a balanced state and more often than not, the patient gives up before that happens.  The other caveat is that there are no guarantees that that particular combination of medications is going to work indefinitely.  There's a higher likelihood that they won't, and tweaks along the way will be required.  If she's been dealing with this her entire life, this is where she's at - she doesn't have much hope and she's probably doing more surviving than actual living. It's easier to push you out and away because she's not tasted the success of a proper combination of medications and therapy that have made her actually feel good and to want to be better.  She's riddled with guilt because she knows she's not normal but doesn't know how to be normal and doesn't want to drag you down with her.  It's seemingly irrational thinking to "normal" people, but she has no other baseline reference to base her thinking on.  

 

People with mental health disorders need the village to really help them out.  If your partner is suffering, you've never seen her at her best.  If you can find a way in and advocate to help her reach her best, you'll meet an entirely different person.  She'll also meet an entirely different person in herself because she's never felt "good", let alone "great".  Once she's there, she'll need the village to help her stay on track because many, many people with these disorders finally feel great and then decide because they feel great that they don't need their medications anymore when really, that's when they need them the most.  

 

If you really cannot work through the parts of the marriage at the moment, take the divorce and file accordingly.  There's no harm in that.  You could always rekindle your relationship at a later date.  But if this is the major stressor, do what needs to be done in the best interests of everyone in the moment and that does include yourself and not jeopardizing your status.  

 

Sorry for the soap box!  

^^^  All of this.  

 

This is kind of thinking out of the box, but think she'd be open for couple's counseling in terms of how you two could navigate the divorce amicably?  It sounds crazy but that IS a thing.  Maybe she'd be open to that and while you both are doing counseling, you two may discover some other options available.  It's kind of a hail Mary, but might work?

[ENGUEE 0]

On 12/6/2021 at 9:19 PM, da95826 said:

If you are not going to live together as a married couple the safest thing to do is to get a divorce as soon as possible. USCIS routinely approves i751 divorce waiver cases with proof that the marriage was entered in good faith and ended with divorce. You only need the good faith marriage proof and your final divorce decree to be approved. 

 

If you separate from your spouse and don’t let USCIS know you can run into issues with USCIS about misresention. If USCIS suspects you are not together with your spouse with a joint i751 filed without a good reason your i751 may be denied.

Thank you! We're still living together and I'm trying to talk her into getting some professional help, but she kind of shuts me down.

 

On 12/6/2021 at 11:34 PM, PaulaCJohnny said:

If you lied about your situation just for get the remove of conditions filled joint will be considered fraud. Don’t do it.

You can still be in the US and file for your ROC without her. 
And please read this post…

 

 

Thanks. Well, as of today, it would not be a lie as we still live together, but I understand what you're saying.

 

On 12/7/2021 at 12:03 AM, USC4SPOUSE said:

@ENGUEE

Sorry you're going through. You will come out of this a stronger person. I just wanted to add that you will need evidence of bona fide marriage since the date of your marriage. Follow the I-751 instructions verbatim. You need evidence since the date of your marriage until the time you file. USCIS does not really care why you divorced. Irreconcilable differences is enough. 

To be clear, there will be overlap between the evidence you submitted for AOS and the evidence you will submit to remove conditions. That is fine. As redundant as it may seem, just submit it again. Here is a nice example of a solid Joint I-571 filing. https://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/699699-i-751-march-2019-filers/ Scroll down to the second post. 

 

You will be fine. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I would not recommend filing jointly and then switching to a waiver. Others have done that and sometimes the spouse flips on them or send a letter, whatever, Print out or save to pdfs all the evidence you need, get her to sign the divorce papers and find a space of your own. 

 

All the best to you.

 

Thank you! What kind of evidence should I make sure to have to make my case strong. An affidavit from her would make it stronger?

 

On 12/7/2021 at 9:06 AM, Dashinka said:

I feel bad for your situation as well.  Since you just got your CGC in March 2021, and you will not have to file the I751 until December 2022/January 2023, and considering the marriage seems beyond repair (I applaud your suggestion of counseling), I would file for the divorce now which would likely be finalized well before you even have to file the I751.  Make sure you keep all the evidence of the marital union, etc.

 

Again sorry for the issues you are facing, but Good Luck!

Thank you. Yeah, I feel sorry as well and sad to see her going through this.

 

On 12/7/2021 at 11:18 AM, mam521 said:

As a person who shares 2 children with a person who has mental health challenges that ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship, please understand that in this moment, she doesn't understand how not good she is, so she is incapable of "wanting to get better" because she doesn't fully understand what that means. She doesn't understand what it's like to wake up and just be ready to take on the challenges life tosses at her like you are.  Every single day is a struggle for her in ways that you cannot begin to fathom.  It's like chronic pain, but of a type a "normal" person could never imagine.  

 

If you are still in a position of influence in her life, you may need to find her different doctors or even consider an in patient program.  A common misconception is you take a medication and it alleviates the symptoms.  Unfortunately, that's only part of it.  It can take a very long time to find the correct combinations of medications to get someone with imbalanced brain chemistry to a balanced state and more often than not, the patient gives up before that happens.  The other caveat is that there are no guarantees that that particular combination of medications is going to work indefinitely.  There's a higher likelihood that they won't, and tweaks along the way will be required.  If she's been dealing with this her entire life, this is where she's at - she doesn't have much hope and she's probably doing more surviving than actual living. It's easier to push you out and away because she's not tasted the success of a proper combination of medications and therapy that have made her actually feel good and to want to be better.  She's riddled with guilt because she knows she's not normal but doesn't know how to be normal and doesn't want to drag you down with her.  It's seemingly irrational thinking to "normal" people, but she has no other baseline reference to base her thinking on.  

 

People with mental health disorders need the village to really help them out.  If your partner is suffering, you've never seen her at her best.  If you can find a way in and advocate to help her reach her best, you'll meet an entirely different person.  She'll also meet an entirely different person in herself because she's never felt "good", let alone "great".  Once she's there, she'll need the village to help her stay on track because many, many people with these disorders finally feel great and then decide because they feel great that they don't need their medications anymore when really, that's when they need them the most.  

 

If you really cannot work through the parts of the marriage at the moment, take the divorce and file accordingly.  There's no harm in that.  You could always rekindle your relationship at a later date.  But if this is the major stressor, do what needs to be done in the best interests of everyone in the moment and that does include yourself and not jeopardizing your status.  

 

Sorry for the soap box!  

Thank you, and I'm sorry for what you've been going through. It might be even more difficult with 2 kids.

I've been trying to help her, but it's hard to help someone who shuts you down and apparently does not want to help herself.

 

On 12/7/2021 at 2:37 PM, Chocobo said:

^^^  All of this.  

 

This is kind of thinking out of the box, but think she'd be open for couple's counseling in terms of how you two could navigate the divorce amicably?  It sounds crazy but that IS a thing.  Maybe she'd be open to that and while you both are doing counseling, you two may discover some other options available.  It's kind of a hail Mary, but might work?

Thanks. I've tried pretty much everything, but she does not want to look for help... she's still taking medication for depression, anxiety and ADHD.